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maxsterling
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« on: July 24, 2014, 12:11:38 PM »

I had a feeling this would happen, but it is happening much sooner than I expected.  I expected her job to create stress and anxiety.  But last year the anxiety started after the first day of school.  This time it's started weeks before the school year has started.  She's not even officially working yet.  But so far she's:

- Decided she doesn't like the other teachers in her grade

- talked with teachers in another grade, and that upset one of the other teachers in her grade

- Found fault with her classroom, too much furniture, not the right kind of furniture, not the right teaching materials

- Worried about money, not being paid enough, etc.

- complained she doesn't have enough time to plan and get organized.  She's been "planning" almost constantly for the last two weeks.  The other teachers are telling her to chill out and worry less, and this causes her more anxiety.

The end result is a few nervous breakdowns this week.  Crying uncontrollably on the sofa in the evening, hitting herself, blaming me for the house being messy and that as the cause for her anxiety (an argument that really makes no sense).  She's rejected my compliments, and my attempts to try and get her to take her mind off things.  I've done my best to weather the storm, anticipate, communicate better, and validate.  It's helped, but ultimately I can't cure her emotions.  I've had to practically force her to eat by bringing her food and telling her to eat it. 

Last night as I was leaving work, she frantically called to tell me it was hot in the house, claiming there was something wrong with the AC (the only issue is she doesn't understand how a thermostat works).  She claimed she doesn't want to live here, hates it here, hates our pets and our house.  I heard her yell at the kitten, claiming she was going to throw him across the room.  When I got home, she was feverishly "planning" once again, and I asked her if she was hungry, if she needed anything, if I could help.  She  replied "no" to all of the above, but I periodically checked in with her as I went to do my own thing and organize the spare room.  After awhile, she came in, and gave me a hug.  I told her I was going out to a 12-step meeting (thinking and hoping she would go to one of her own).  I went to the meeting, left a little early to pick up a few groceries and flowers for her on the way home.  I came home, gave her the flowers, forced her to eat some blueberries, then fixed her a light dinner.  She told me when I left, she had an anxiety attack, dumped a messy drawer out and threw the contents onto the floor.  I validated and soothed her as we watched TV.  Afterwards she begged me to never leave her.

Today she has more HR meetings with her district, then is going to group PTSD therapy.  I'm hoping the therapy helps.  And then I am hoping her friend drags her to an AA meeting afterwards.  I think I need to accept a likely reality here in that her anxiety will once again overwhelm her, and within a few weeks could be back in the hospital.  I'll do my best to validate and support her the next few weeks in hopes she can settle in, but it's going to be a rough road. 
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2014, 01:40:06 PM »

I can understand how hard this must be for you. I'm there myself. It's hard to validate them, only to get zero in return. I feel like my uBPDh is sucking the very life out of me. I'm happiest when he is not around. He comes home, I serve him dinner, he gets on his computer and ignores me all night. If I try to talk to him, he won't even look up. It's very disrespectful. It's a great big statement of "you are not even important enough to look at".

It just wears on the nonBPD after a while. I'd kill for a little validation of my feelings, but instead he gets angered that I have any feelings. I'm the woman, but he is the moody one. I'm not allowed moods, and I'm not allowed to ever expect him to compromise or listen. He takes everything the wrong way, and dysregulates.

Tonight we are supposed to talk. He left last night because I was trying to talk to him. He only agreed because I blew up his phone at work. With a "normal" spouse, I wouldn't have to resort to crap like that. His avoidance of all emotion, until he blows up, is just hard. He can't deal with my emotions or needs, but he is ALL about his kids' needs(they are all grown, and angry and dysfunctional too... .most likely personality disordered), and he runs if they want to "talk"(this means complain about ME). I get to see him give to everyone else what I NEED. It's so hard.

It's like we are married to a sponge. All they do is take. I do read of some on here whose spouses have some good points, and are working on their issues. I keep hoping I make it to that point. Right now I'm getting zero, and he just blames it all on me. Any effort on his part would have me doing cartwheels.
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thereishope
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« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2014, 01:54:02 PM »

I can understand how hard this must be for you. I'm there myself. It's hard to validate them, only to get zero in return. I feel like my uBPDh is sucking the very life out of me. I'm happiest when he is not around. He comes home, I serve him dinner, he gets on his computer and ignores me all night. If I try to talk to him, he won't even look up. It's very disrespectful. It's a great big statement of "you are not even important enough to look at".

It just wears on the nonBPD after a while. I'd kill for a little validation of my feelings, but instead he gets angered that I have any feelings. I'm the woman, but he is the moody one. I'm not allowed moods, and I'm not allowed to ever expect him to compromise or listen. He takes everything the wrong way, and dysregulates.

It's like we are married to a sponge. All they do is take.

We were together before we got married for almost 3 years... .separated for a few months in between and back together and married 9 months ago... .  During the previous 3 years he got caught up in a phone mob game... .which became an obsession or an "escape" for him... .probably so he didn't have to deal with how sucky his BPD made him feel his life was... .After we got back together he vowed to do oh so many things differently... .one thing was that he wouldn't allow this mobster game to become an obsession again... .Well, guess what he does almost every waking moment... .  You guessed it ... .in Cerulean Blue's own words... ." gets on his (phone game) and ignores me all night... "   I guess I should be thankful he is getting his narcissistic supply from being a good leader/boss on the game with his mostly male friends and not cheating around on me right?  I feel like such a jerk for complaining but dang it really does stink to be ignored as if you don't even exist the majority of the time.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2014, 12:35:12 PM »

Well, it hit the fan this morning.  We woke up to the alarm.  As usual, I got up, she laid in bed for a bit.  After feeding the pets and turning on the water outside, I took a shower.  We have one bathroom in the house.  After about 10 minutes in the shower, I hear her scream, "I HAVE TO PEE!"  I replied that I was just finishing up.  I got out, toweled off, left the bathroom and she rushed in to use it. She remarked screaming, "YOU ALMOST NEVER TAKE A SHOWER IN THE MORNING AND I WISH YOU WOULD TELL ME FIRST SO THAT I COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO USE THE BATHROOM!"

And after that it was pure dysregulation for the next hour.  I'd hear her curse at this or that, curse at the kitten, and blame me for stuff.  She blamed me for the house being messy, for it being too hot, etc.  I tried validating "I know you are under a lot of stress with the new job, it's tough having to deal with all the paperwork and requirements when you are just starting out.  is there anything I can do to help you?"  Her reply "NO!  I HATE IT HERE!"   I went outside with that. A few minutes later she called me in to kill a spider in the bathroom.  After that, she started complaining about the house being messy, saying that I am a slob and I don't care.  I reminded her that I do all the cleaning and if she wants a cleaner house then she needs to help.  She continued to storm around, picking up paperwork and mail and throwing it on the floor in the office room, screaming "SEE, I'M GOING TO LIVE LIKE A SLOB LIKE YOU!"

At that point, I just ignored her, and she left for work without saying goodbye.  I took the next half hour to just catch my breath before leaving for work.  She did send me an "I'm Sorry" message about an hour later. 

But GEEZ.  About the only way to survive that is to know it has absolutely ZERO to do with me, let her rage, and pay attention and take action if she starts to damage something or hurt something.  The poor cats went and hid.
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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2014, 02:16:02 PM »

I heard her yell at the kitten, claiming she was going to throw him across the room. 

Is there any chance you can re-home the cats?


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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2014, 03:03:24 PM »

You are sure strong. I have trouble remembering it isn't personal, when uBPDh says things about me, because let's face it, those things are about me, aimed at me. If my husband didn't attack my character, it would probably be easier to take. It's like he knows my Achilles heel, which is that I try to be a good person, so he attacks my character.

It sounds like you did the right thing in how you dealt with it. At least your wife calms down, and is later sorry. I'd love to get that. If my husband would own any of his behaviors, it would sure help. He has been through anger management twice, and been in therapy for three years, but his anger has gotten worse. I bought him a workbook about dealing with anger, and he said he was "not interested". Well, I'm not much interested in staying married to someone who abuses me, and has no interest in getting better. I want to stay, but his outright refusal to now "work" on his anger is scaring me.

Does your wife at least admit she has "issues"? Is she sometimes calm enough to talk about them? My husband just really is not. His therapist says he has bad anger issues, but it's like my husband just doesn't care. He likes being mean, I guess. I think people with BPD, hate having it, but I'm beginning to question if my husband actually has APD. It just always seems like my husband sounds so much worse than most of the stories I hear on here. Maybe it's just because I'm living it.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2014, 07:47:34 PM »

Re home the cats.  Well, the kitten probably.  We are really only planning on fostering him anyway for another few weeks.  But the older cat is my buddy, I've had him for years.  If I think she is a threat to him, then I think she is a threat to me, and that means she goes.  But seriously, I don't think she would hurt any of the animals, but her violent language is enough to get me alarmed.  We also have two guinea pigs, and I don't think she would do anything rash there.  The worst she would do is give them away. 

Yes, she is aware of her illness and admits to it.  And that is what has kept me with her.  Although, one moment she will be blaming everything on me or society, and the next minute she is breaking down crying asking what is wrong with her.  I think she accepts she has mental health issues, but not to the point where will work to do anything about them.  She still maintains a "I want someone else to fix me" attitude, and doesn't realize that she needs to change her own attitude.  I think with proper support and patience from those around her, things can change.  The two apologies I have gotten lately are a real positive sign - the first apologies I have heard for months.

Cerulean - sounds like your H has narcissism mixed in.  I dated a woman like that.  Most of her behaviors were spot on-BPD, with one exception - she never exhibited that self-loathing that I see with my current BPD fiance.  This ex was so full of herself.  She seemed at times to know she wasn't right, claimed depression, and blamed it on society.  SO full of herself and sure that nothing would ever fix her.
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KateCat
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« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2014, 08:38:06 PM »

max,

Does your fiancée's history suggest she is able to fulfill a teaching term contract? Would it be better for her, her colleagues, and her students if she were to bail out now rather than when the term has started?

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maxsterling
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« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2014, 09:32:17 PM »

Kate, in all honesty, she's had more jobs in her life than she can remember.  I don't think she has ever had a job that lasted more than a year.  Going by her track record, she will last about 2-3 months at this one, have a nervous breakdown, feel suicidal, and be back in the hospital.  Over the past year, I've also seen her get hired for two different jobs that she quit the week before her first day. 

And of course, as an employer, she would be a difficult employee because she's not dependable.  She's gotten into screaming matches with bosses before, and I think has generally been a burden on both management and HR.   The students get under her skin, but I think for the most part I don't worry so much there. 

My personal opinion is that it would be better for her colleagues and her students to bail out now if the inevitable is her falling apart completely in two months.  But that's not up to me.  She has to choose her own path, and if she is a burden to her colleagues or her management, it's their issue to deal with.

Perhaps a good thing is that she is dysregulating now, and may get it out of her system before school starts. 
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« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2014, 10:05:34 PM »

Do you think that management and colleagues might get the wrong idea of her capabilities if someone helps her create a "pre-impression" that she can't really live up to?

This time you: "spent the entire weekend with her, helping her get the things she needs for her classroom.  This doesn't include the amount of things I have done for her over the past few months when she has been too depressed to do much of anything.  Monday I took the day off to help her set up her classroom."



If there is a next time, do you think you will do the same things?

I've been a teacher, and I know it's a visible position with a number of pressures. It's got to be very painful for your fiancée to have trained for this profession and feel such distress when she tries to practice it. I wonder if it wouldn't be healthier in the future for you to be completely hands-off about the difficult decisions she may have to make in regard to her career.

(I guess I can't see the venerable and practiced "waverider" doing all of these things for his partner, for instance. Being cool (click to insert in post))


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« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2014, 07:54:17 AM »

Yes, she is aware of her illness and admits to it. 

This is good.  I wonder how you can find the moments to gently push for more treatment... .and then back off when she starts dysregulating.

That way maybe its three steps forward and 1 back.  Because you took full advantage of the calm periods.


Have you tried this... ?  Or have any strategies for this?

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« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2014, 07:58:17 AM »

(I guess I can't see the venerable and practiced "waverider" doing all of these things for his partner, for instance. Being cool (click to insert in post))

This is one of the things that really makes BPD family special.  You get to see how others have handled the same problem that you are having. 

I will also admit to thinking through... .I wonder how "waverider" or someone else would handle things.  I also find that many times I post things to see if my assumptions are correct.

Ultimately... .I see this as not so much how to exactly figure out a situation... .but to figure out he "policy" or framework that you will use to approach someone with BPD traits. 

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maxsterling
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« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2014, 09:44:06 AM »

Kate - I've definitely thought of that.  It's hard to find that line between helping an enabling.  I can tell you this much, though - she's gone through this process before without support or help, and failed time and again.  She's 38, and that seems to be the story of her life - people giving up on her and unwilling to help.  And it's not like she's learned that people won't help her because of her negative attitude and has changed her attitude for the future.  It's the same story over and over.  So, I figure if I can take some of the annoying tasks out of the way (like hanging posters on the wall and cleaning) she will be better able to handle the actual teaching tasks. 
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KateCat
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« Reply #13 on: July 26, 2014, 09:52:03 AM »

No one could wish for a more supportive partner than you.

You will probably learn something important from this effort you have made to support her.
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« Reply #14 on: July 26, 2014, 02:22:37 PM »

Hi maxsterling,

Kate - I've definitely thought of that.  It's hard to find that line between helping an enabling.  I can tell you this much, though - she's gone through this process before without support or help, and failed time and again.  She's 38, and that seems to be the story of her life - people giving up on her and unwilling to help.  And it's not like she's learned that people won't help her because of her negative attitude and has changed her attitude for the future.  It's the same story over and over.  So, I figure if I can take some of the annoying tasks out of the way (like hanging posters on the wall and cleaning) she will be better able to handle the actual teaching tasks. 

is she having a problem or is she creating a problem with her mind? I suspect it is the latter.

Chores can be a mindfulness exercise... .

Stopping and starting work can be extremely stressful events and she is ill equipped to handle them. She may need a lot of validation and structure (boundaries) to support her. It may help to occasionally validate that yes, she is freaking out right now but when work starts she'll eventually manage. Yes, there were times in the past where it was too much but then there were times in the past where she pulled through.

There may have been progress in the past. Right now it may look bleak. Yes, she might spiral down again. But there is another possibility that the improvements gave her a lower baseline and more energy allowing her to temporarily create a bigger drama that will fizzle out once she has some real life problems to occupy her mind.

Solving her problems is not solving any problem. More the opposite.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #15 on: July 26, 2014, 07:42:16 PM »

I'd say the problems are 99.9% in her mind.  At least from my perspective.  The issues she is facing are really everyday issues.  Claims she is running out of money when she has $1000 in her checking account and zero bills to pay. 

Some of me helping her is to help relieve stress for the next few weeks until she can settle into the job routine.  At least that is my hope.  Just to help her get started.

Some of me helping her is to protect my own interests and my property.  If a little help could keep the rages from escalating to the point where damage is caused to something, such as breaking things.  Yes, boundaries would work better here, but the simple act of crossing the boundary could mean $$$ and a huge pain in my rear.

Some of me helping her is because I don't want to live like this.  Sure, she won't do the dishes or clean (yet complains of the house being messy), but I don't want to live in a pigsty.  I can't just let crap pile up and say "It's your turn".   It simply won't get done if that was the case.

Today was BAD.  I thought I would be taking her back to the hospital.  Weekends are always s--t.  And I can sense it coming on.  She was in a bad mood upon waking up.  I dragged her our of the house in a grouchy mood to go to the store.  Then we went to another store and she started getting short with me.  She was ready to leave.  We got home, she didn't want to eat (hadn't eaten anything all day).  I tried validating, asking her what was wrong, what I can do to help - turned into her screaming uncontrollably, crying, pounding her fists into the sofa, pounding her fists into her thighs, biting her hand so hard it bled.  Just a complete, overwhelming anxiety attack.  She blamed me for EVERYTHING, screamed that she hates me, hates it here, hates everything.  I stayed close for her safety, but I wanted to get the hell out of there.  Eventually, it passed, she calmed, apologized, and hugged me.  Then we went out shopping again, had a good time for awhile, was still short with me at times, and was mostly in a sour mood again by the time we came home.  She was in a sour mood because the office room was a mess because during one of her previous rages this week she dumped the contents of a few drawers onto the floor.  95% her stuff, yet blamed me for the room being a mess.  I helped her get started organizing the mess.  Probably shouldn't have - just told her that she made the mess, she can clean it up.  I felt like a parent trying to motivate his 4-year or to clean her room after a tantrum.
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