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Author Topic: Life outside r/s = adultery  (Read 397 times)
empath
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: July 24, 2014, 02:34:45 PM »

I was away from home for about 30 hours this weekend at a retreat related to my work. Beforehand, I talked with uBPDh about it and got his 'buy in'. When I returned home, I was met with distance and non-engagement, then an argument.

By Monday morning, he was able to tell me that he feels jealous of this job that I have (I brought up that possibility before I took the job). He 'feels' like it is another lover -- like I am committing adultery. He knows that it isn't really a rational feeling, so he apologized for that and how he was acting. I thought it was really good that he was able to talk about how he was feeling instead of just reacting to those feelings -- I said that to him.

He has also been on this thing where he says that he wanted a 'wife' when he got married, but he hasn't been quite able to tell me more about what that means to him. I've had hints about someone who is totally focused on him.

Anyway, I've just been processing how this feeling has manifested itself in our r/s. Early in our marriage, he would say that he 'needed' me to be home while he was working -- as well as when he wasn't working. When I had jobs, there would often be tension or he would make bad choices during the times when I was working. He says he felt lonely at those times.

He will claim that he is 'traditional' but I think that is just a socially acceptable way to express his 'discomfort'. He knows that he would seem suspicious if he said what he actually feels (because it sounds like what abusers say... .). The good thing is that he is feeling enough discomfort and tension and social pressure to act appropriately that he is thinking that we might need to talk with a marriage counselor. We are also scheduled for an intensive marriage week in about a month -- other people require it from us.
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2014, 08:39:33 PM »

That's interesting, empath. And good that he realizes his feelings are a bit "off" but that he was still willing to verbalize them to you. If he can do this conversationally, then he isn't stuffing them inside and then blowing up over some other thing where you feel that the anger is coming from left field, and unable to understand it.

My own husband is like yours in this way; he has mentioned lately to me that he feels that I am "obsessed" with this website, and he wishes I were "obsessed" with him in the same way. He also has been able to tell me that he needs "attention" when he's feeling that way, and so I try to close down the laptop as soon as I possibly can, and then give him what he needs.

In the days before I found this site, he would wait to communicate these feelings of being ignored by brooding for a few days or so, until the anger in him was so strong that he would have an episode over some small or perceived slight. I would be stunned by the sudden turn of moods, and try to find out what the problem was, and he would just be angry and not communicate it well enough for me to understand. The whole thing would snowball with me getting mad at him for getting mad at me and him getting madder and then just going silent and belligerent on me. For sometimes days 

To be very honest with you, I find this neediness of so much attention very annoying sometimes, but since he's now communicating it at the exact moment he feels it and not dysregulating about it, I am genuinely thankful for that. And so I try to acknowledge his need in a loving way, and do what I have to, to give him what he needs. It's much better than the old way of his communicating in a non-communicative way 

I think both of our husbands have made some progress, no? I hope that the counseling goes well when you go to it... .What do you mean about an "intensive marriage week"? Is it some sort of Marriage Encounter program? We did that very many years ago... .The first time was after only a couple of years of marriage and it was really good and went well. The second time was when we were married about 12 years, and he was in the middle of what I'd thought was an "emotional affair" but was really a full-blown affair. That one didn't go so well 

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ziniztar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
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« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2014, 05:57:28 AM »

By Monday morning, he was able to tell me that he feels jealous of this job that I have (I brought up that possibility before I took the job). He 'feels' like it is another lover -- like I am committing adultery. He knows that it isn't really a rational feeling, so he apologized for that and how he was acting. I thought it was really good that he was able to talk about how he was feeling instead of just reacting to those feelings -- I said that to him.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Two thumbs up. 1 for him to recognize his own feelings/thoughts and that he was able to voice them.

One for you for validating that good behaviour!

My dBPDbf gets to make individual plans as he needs distraction from his feelings. Sometimes he forgets we're in a relationship that sometimes needs quality time and attention. On other occasions when I tell him have to travel for work for 6 days, he will get extremely sad.

What I find difficult: whenever the emotion is really out of proportion (e.g. super sadness when I have to leave for a week) it does not hurt me. I'm somewhat annoyed with his dependance but can also validate that emotion.

Whenever the emotion seems reasonable, or causes me to be pushed away, I all of a suddent can't understand this anymore. Yet it doesn't make me angry - it makes me sad. Like it's two sides of the coin.

Best of luck on this - I know it can be challenging...
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empath
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« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2014, 01:02:59 PM »

Excerpt
What do you mean about an "intensive marriage week"? Is it some sort of Marriage Encounter program? We did that very many years ago... .The first time was after only a couple of years of marriage and it was really good and went well. The second time was when we were married about 12 years, and he was in the middle of what I'd thought was an "emotional affair" but was really a full-blown affair.

The intensive marriage week is a week-long program that is kind of a combination of prayer and counseling. It is reported to be a very good and indepth program that addresses areas that need healing in our lives.

Excerpt
My dBPDbf gets to make individual plans as he needs distraction from his feelings. Sometimes he forgets we're in a relationship that sometimes needs quality time and attention. On other occasions when I tell him have to travel for work for 6 days, he will get extremely sad.

Yes. I've also pointed out that he has a job and I don't feel like he is abandoning me every day when he goes to work. He said this week that he was angry that he had to go to a job and that I had things to do. He just wanted us to be together all the time. There has also been a long history in our marriage of him doing what he wants to do without regard for my needs or the rest of the family's needs. We had a family event with my extended family this weekend that I had planned and checked with him about before planning. I found out last week that he had volunteered to do a couple of events that day. Then, he didn't want me to have to work around his things.

He has been able to pursue his interests -- art, learning to play instruments, fishing, etc. with my enabling. If I try to pursue my own interests, he becomes unavailable or 'competitive'.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2014, 02:46:22 PM »

my uBPDh needs my undivided 200% attention 24/7 365 or he flips out... .I can't keep up with it anymore.  He has never been jealous of my work, but I wouldn't doubt deep down he does feel that way somehow. Then again I also make more money than him so he probably doesn't say anything because he needs me in that regard.

I'm in the process of deciding if I'm staying or leaving now... .I need to move boards because this behavior is becoming intolerable.
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