Dd misbehaves, wife enables

[peace in steel town]

So, we had a bit of drama from dd just before we went away on our trip. She always creates some personal drama then, so the focus is on her instead of us. Seems she dumped her boyfriend, was all upset, and suddenly needed a new place to stay, so she called my wife , asking if she could live here for a while. Despite past conflicts, despite running away twice, she wants to move in here. We didn't like the idea, but we talked about it, and agreed it might be possible, to help her out, but ground rules would have to be agreed upon first, so she invited dd over to talk it out first. Dd wanted no part of that, wanting mom to come over to the mall to see her. No, you come here, she said. After an hour and a half of waiting, I texted dd and asked if she was ready to talk, or was she going to hang out at the mall all night. Dd snapped back a nasty reply, so I told her I assumed she had found lodging for the night and we wouldn't hear more about this until tomorrow, at which point she told me to f off. I told my wife, and she did nothing, in her mind, dd has a mental disorder and cant be held responsible for what she says or does. Later, we found out that dd was only looking for a back up plan, could stay where she was, wasn't ready to talk, and got back together with the boyfriend two days later. On to our trip. Make no mistake about it, our trip was a shopping trip for the wife. Three hours at an outlet mall, plus Macys, plus lululemon, plus bed and bath, plus Victoria secret, plus a Michael Cors purse. The final tab came out to be 1800 dollars for two days in New York city. The day after we got back, the wife climbed all over my back, for anything and everything, real or imagined. One thing she didn't like was what I told a couple in front of us about dd, that it wasn't nice. Said couple told us about their two daughters, whom both ran away from home at about the same age, to live with a boy, only to come home, all is well, both are now in their mid twenties. This was not a bashing, just a comparing of notes, and I let them do most of the talking. Whatever. Now, two days later, dear wife rewards dds behaviour by shuttling her stuff to her current temporary stay. Dd can do no wrong, and I can do no right.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Dear Peace in  Steel town, I agonize for you. I understand your frustration, and feel a sense of guilt because some of your wifes behaviors reflect my own. I too will defend my dd to dh, and I too use the fact that she can't control her emotions as an excuse. seeing it written here actually puts it into perspective for me, I am an enabler. Hard as I try to live peacefully with her, hard as I try to use the skills and tools, I am still an enabler.

I would say if your wife is anything like me, she does these things not to hurt or anger you, but to be able  to live with herself. I know when dd is hurting, my heart breaks, and I feel like a bear protecting it's cub. Not that this is an acceptable excuse or behavior, but hopefully it will help you understand your wife a little better and maybe you can work on her weakness together.

I wish you well, and am sending you hugs.

[madmom]

I too am an enabler and have been working on stopping that behavior this summer.  I did it out of trying to be a good parent, hoping that if I just helped her get on her feet this time she would keep it together, guilt etc. Recently someone posted something about only supporting their child in things that promote their mental wellness and health, not supporting their mental illness.  For me this really helped change the way I was handling things.  I will help, and support things that work toward mental wellness (ex. I will pay any therapy fees not covered by insurance  I won't give you money for rent, because you blew all of yours in unhealthy ways)  I don't know what to tell you about your wife ---use SET with her and validate her feelings as you actively listen and most of all do what you need to do to stay healthy and strong while on this never ending wild BPD roller coaster ride.  Best wishes, you are not alone

[chooselove]

I'm a reformed enabler, too.  We have tons of empathy for the BPD while the BPD has very little, if any at all, for us.  I've wondered if there would still be BPD's if there were no enablers.  We seem to go hand in hand.  Without an enabler the BPD either straightens up or estranges themselves, depending on how important it is to them to have family ties.  Or they sometimes kill themselves, a thought which strikes fear into all enabling mothers, who are controlled by a desire to prevent that outcome and a hope that one day the BPD will emerge from his/her BPD cocoon and stop living in the past.

I think when we hear others talk of our BPD in a way that pigeonholes them by their actions we come to their defense because we want them to be respected and known for so much more than the stigma of BPD.  We also do it out of guilt because we, ourselves, have pigeonholed them and live our lives tiptoeing around them and placating and trying to fix / help / change them.

[Patchjulie]

I think if you are a mother you are an enabler. It's our way of thinking we are doing a good job.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello peace in steel town,

I am also in a step-parent situation, and can relate to your frustration. The chaos, and stress we have been through because of my step-daughter's behaviors has been tremendous and in the past it put a strain on my marriage. On top of that, SD had not emotionally separated from her dad, so it also felt at times as if there were three of us in the marriage, in spite of the fact that she has her own husband... .

In the past I have seen some patterns between my husband and his dd, and have pointed out what I saw as unhealthy, and/or tried to intervene. I have to report that that was often not effective, and only created more friction between us, and sometimes outright backfired on me.

Being in a step-parent position is not easy, because you bear the brunt of the bad stuff, and do not have too much power to change things directly. But you can do a whole lot on different fronts.

Here is what I have learned: as long as you try to "straighten your sd out," you will remain her enemy AND you will be directly hurting your marriage. That is a recipe for self-sabotage.

As frustrating as your experience must have been, you are not powerless. You CAN make a difference. However, being effective takes a different approach: I have learned that respecting, being sensitive and supporting where my husband was in his r/s with his dd was the key. I learned how to draw boundaries for myself and how to disconnect from the chaos, and I let him handle his dd.

Example: she was calling daily, sometimes more, hours at a time. In the beginning, I was irritated, and had numerous conversations about how this was hijacking our lives, how we had no time for each other, how we always had stress and chaos due to the constant "emergencies". It only created more stress, and solved nothing.

I learned to let go - I went for a walk, took a long shower, went elsewhere and read a book, etc. etc. Then, when my h shared about the long calls, I said: "Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I know it's stressful... ." When he shared about the latest emergency, I'd say: "Yeah, I know she's BPD, her life is a constant painful struggle. Tomorrow, it may be all forgotten, or there will be another rabbit to chase." Little by little, he got really tired of the drama and started asking me, how to handle it, and I introduced him to validation and boundaries.

Now, she calls every several days, and my husband is way less involved in solving her daily dramas.

No, you come here, she said. After an hour and a half of waiting, I texted dd and asked if she was ready to talk, or was she going to hang out at the mall all night. Dd snapped back a nasty reply, so I told her I assumed she had found lodging for the night and we wouldn't hear more about this until tomorrow, at which point she told me to f off. I told my wife, and she did nothing, in her mind, dd has a mental disorder and cant be held responsible for what she says or does.

Here, your wife was dealing with her dd, you stepped in (not a good idea unless we are invited), sd told you off, then you wanted your wife to act on your behalf (it's up to each of us to uphold our own boundaries).

On to our trip. Make no mistake about it, our trip was a shopping trip for the wife... .The final tab came out to be 1800 dollars for two days in New York city.

Is this something you resent? If so, you are giving more than you are comfortable with (stretching your own boundaries beyond the point of comfort).

One thing she didn't like was what I told a couple in front of us about dd, that it wasn't nice.

... This was not a bashing, just a comparing of notes, and I let them do most of the talking.

Well, she didn't tell, you didn't know. If something like that happened between me and my husband, I'd say: "Honey, I am sorry you felt hurt and uncomfortable by what I said. I didn't know you felt this way about talking about dd. I will respect it in the future."

Does this make sense?

[peace in steel town]

Thank you for the commentary. As far as the momma bear/ baby bear thing, I understand, but you can also do too much for baby bear. I work with a guy who is in his late 50s, and still lives with his mommy. I lived with my parents until I was 27, they made it too comfy and easy. Once I moved out, I bought a house and never looked back. The house I bought is old, and needs lots of repairs and updating. I have learned how to do almost everything, like plumbing, roofing, electrical, drywall, installing bay windows, and on and on. I never would have learned all these things if I had stayed home. I restored an old car myself, this never would have happened in mom and dad's garage. Every time I see a learning opportunity where dd could become a bit more independent, my wife swoops in and steals it from her, saying that dd needs rescuing, she's my daughter. DD will never grow up if we don't let/make her. Remember, dd is 3 months away from being a parent herself, yet she has almost no life skills. She pushes the panic button, mom comes running. If mom is not available, dd usually solves her problems herself.

  Thank you for your input, passim optimist. Do I resent the trip, and it's cost? I didn't care how much it cost, until I got reamed out for anything and everything over a two day span. We never had an actual honeymoon, we couldn't afford it at the time, so this was my chance to make it up to her. Things are much better now. So, if we had come home, and she was happy, and appreciative, and gushing how much she enjoyed the trip, then who cares about the money? If we come home and she climbs all over my back, then I wish we had stayed home and used the money to finish off the kitchen. She can be so much nicer to her friends than she was to me. If I say anything less than flattering about dd, my wife defends dd, but dd can tell me off, and the wife says nothing. And, if my wife says the exact same thing I say to someone else, then it's ok, I am just not allowed to say it. Regardless of how it played out, it should not be OK for dd to tell me off. Dd wanted to come live here, this is my house, she needs to come to terms with me if she had hoped to stay here. Dd didn't want to come here to talk and set some ground rules first, because she would have to deal with me. She only wanted to deal with mom. She tries to play mom, saying that this is her house too, and that mom shouldn't have to check with me if dd could move back in here. Many times, dd has said that she wished it was only her and mom again. No, I deeply resent that I rate below dd and my wifes' friends.   

[jellibeans]

Your dd is an expert at splitting the two of you... .I think you need to have a talk with your W and point that out to her. Try not to discuss things infront of dd. You two can disagree but don't let dd see it/ She will look for a crack and try very hard to pit you against each other. You two need to set some ground rules for yourself first.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry peace, I see a lot of pain you're in, and you are right to feel hurt.

Now I see your trip in a different light. I've been there with my husband: he'd do something nice for me (plan a whole day full of nice things for me to do) and I'd be feeling out of sorts, and edgy, and at the end of the day he'd say: 'gosh, I wish I stayed home!' Guys often go unappreciated, and it's a shame. I am learning in my own marriage to not do that. In a way, it's easier now that our lives are much more peaceful due to less BPD chaos. The more stress there is, the more edgy I get, but it's not an excuse to treat the love of my life poorly just because I'm stressed out... .

... .you can also do too much for baby bear.

Every time I see a learning opportunity where dd could become a bit more independent, my wife swoops in and steals it from her, saying that dd needs rescuing, she's my daughter.

She pushes the panic button, mom comes running. If mom is not available, dd usually solves her problems herself.

Absolutely, peace, I agree with you; this is a typical pattern called being "enmeshed" - where neither of the parties is properly separated from the other. Walking on eggshells, and enabling are the resulting behaviors. Unfortunately, if your wife doesn't see it for what it is, and until she gets tired of it herself, no amount of talking her out of it will do the job... .(I am sorry, I wish it were different)

So what you CAN do for her and for yourself, is to model appropriate boundaries for yourself without getting in the middle between them. If you get in the middle, they will "close ranks", so to speak, and turn on you. In addition, that kind of bonding strengthens the unhealthy enmeshed pattern even more, so you are worse off.

Regardless of how it played out, it should not be OK for dd to tell me off.

Absolutely, hands down. Your wife demonstrated that she is not willing to upset her dd, and stand up for you, so you are left to stand up for yourself (again - upholding boundaries is ultimately everyone's personal job).

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to say to her and to your wife - I demand respectful behavior before I am willing to consider letting her live in MY house. (of course, that would only last so long, but you would have made your point that it's not ok to use vile language with you).

Dd wanted to come live here, this is my house, she needs to come to terms with me if she had hoped to stay here.

Again, true. That might be something left to your wife to communicate to her dd. If she's not able to persuade her dd to do that (come over and deal with you in a respectful manner) - not your problem, dd doesn't get to come live at your house. (I realize that this might be a point of friction between you and your wife though, and that's where it gets stressful)... .

Dd didn't want to come here to talk and set some ground rules first, because she would have to deal with me. She only wanted to deal with mom. She tries to play mom, saying that this is her house too, and that mom shouldn't have to check with me if dd could move back in here. Many times, dd has said that she wished it was only her and mom again.

Yep, that's typical - can't even say how many times I have heard "I don't want to talk to you, I was talking to dad, and everything was going great until you got involved!" (everything going great meaning - 'I was able to play and manipulate dad just fine'

No, I deeply resent that I rate below dd and my wifes' friends.

I am sorry, it should not be so in a marriage. I felt that way too in respect to catering to SD. It got better with time (me learning the tools and techniques, mainly a combination of setting better/stronger boundaries while being more accepting and empathetic emotionally).

[tristesse]

Hi Peace, I agree with you also, even though I am the one that used the mama bear analogy. I agree with everything you said about dd needing to learn  to be independent and solve her own problems. I am in need of the strength it takes to no jump in and protect my dd, I have the wisdom, I can clearly see what needs to be done, but I am still enabling her, just like your wife. For me it is the fear of the fall out, the fear of the potential loss of any contact or relationship, the fear of watching her hurt, and the list can go on and on. So I protect her from everything because I am weak. I don't know you or your wife, but I suspect she knows all of the same things that you do, she just acts with her mothers heart like I do, and in the end you suffer.

I am really very sorry that you are having to go through this, and that you are the one bearing the brunt of it all. I wish you peace and happiness.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Peace in steel town,

Your situation sounds very frustrating!  I hear how hurt and angry you are, and I don't blame you. Being appreciated and treated respectfully should NOT and IS NOT too much to ask!  The others here already gave you great advice and a window into your wife's enmeshment issues.  Awareness is the first step towards change, so you're already on the right path.

My parents divorced when I was a young teenager and my dad remarried when I was about 16. I can tell you from my own experience that anyone entering my family as step-parent would not have been well-received during that time in my life because I was still angry and sad about my parents' divorce.  So, even if you and your wife already had the perfect marriage and perfect boundary skills, the situation of co-parenting her young adult DD would still be challenging.  Could your SD still be grieving her parents' divorce too?  It might help you understand why you're not as well-received as you'd like to be.

I am sharing this with you to give you a bit more perspective on the dynamic you're dealing with between your wife and her DD.  You really are caught in the middle of their r/s, just as my stepmother was caught between my Dad and his r/s with his 3 children.  My Dad did not do a very good job at setting limits, and my SM already has major boundary issues, so she jumped right in and took over parenting responsibilities that should have been left to my father.  That made me resent her even more.

My stepmother is co-dependent, has no filter (she says whatever she's thinking), and she thinks she knows best about just about everything.  I'm NOT implying that you have any of these traits.  I just wanted you to know my SM's lack of boundaries made the already difficult situation a lot worse.  So, just as Pessim-optimist suggests, I would also recommend stepping back when your SD comes into the picture.  Work on your own boundary skills and take care of YOU so that you remain as centered and calm as possible when the sparks are flying around you.  Many of the most painful situations and conversations I had with my SM were because she tried to step in and parent me, my brother and sister.  That doesn't work. 

SM and I have a good relationship now that I'm an adult and I can recognize her issues and not take her behavior personally.  I can tell you , she hasn't changed, I have.  But, when I was a teenager, I did not like her!  She got in the way of my relationship with my Dad, which made me resent her all the more.

I wish things were easier for you!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peace in steel town]

Thanx for the comments and support. You are so spot on, jellibeans, it has always been like that, and you're not the first person to pick up on that, sadly that person was not me. Thanx, pessim optimist.

[raytamtay3]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through, but am elated that you posted! Reason being is because my husband is step-dad to my BPDDD14 (& SS7). It's nice to get a man's perspective as a step-father as it gives me an understanding how my DH must feel at times.

In the beginnin, prior to us moving in together and us getting married (over 2 years ago now), DD adored DH. In fact she cried when I broke it off with him in the beginning stated how much she liked him.  It was when he started asserting his authority is when all hell broke lose between the two of them (nailing windows shut, installing video cameras and deadbolts on doors). I too took on the momma bear role at times and could feel my blood pressure rise whenever DH would say something negative about DD (but I kept it in check. I internalize. It's just natural to some parents sometimes. And I too, prior to her going to the RTC where she is now, became what I had always lothed in others. That being, an enabler. I'd preach to my mother who enabled my sister and her DD26. Friends who enabled their children would make my blood boil to the point I wanted to shake them and tell them to stop! But as I reflect, I too enabled DD. And saying that when she's 18 and out of the house I would not enable, seeing that I had while she was/is living with us, God only knows... . And now DD too says how we were fine before DH came into the picture. Like someone else posted, it's because she knew how to play me... .

I am thankful to my DH for if it weren't for him and his gentle guidance and sticking by me through some horrific times with DD, I'd still be enabling DD and wouldn't be in the position we are in now where we are trying to get her help so she can be a contributing member to society, and not a hinderance, by putting the necessary wheels in motion to get her to where she is at right now (the RTC). It's been a long road... .

DH works at mental illness facility where the clients live and also has inmates that work for him, so he has some skills. While I still have some challenges trying to convince DH that "traditional" parenting techniques will not work with kids with BPD and make matters worse, he does offer some good advice from time to time which is always welcome.  I take what I can from him and leave other advice alone.

Hopefully your wife does realize your value and contribution in trying to help your SD be all that she can be under the circumstances of BPD, even if she doesn't verbalize it to you - which she really should.  Being a step-parent is challenging enough for those step-children who don't have BPD. Kudos to those of you (and to hubby) for loving your significant others so much that you are willing to stick by them through this exhausting and heartbreaking challenge.  

[peace in steel town]

Just a happy update, last night my wife and I talked, and last night she stood up to dd, she told her what she said to me was not OK, and her punishment would be that we would not drive her to her cousins' wedding tomorrow. Dd went ballistic, but she'll get over it. I'm proud of her, and glad we worked this out. Dd needs to learn she can't divide us.   

[HealingSpirit]

That is great news!  I'm so glad your wife is willing to back you up.  It's nice to see and celebrate everyone's small victories!

Keep us posted on the progress, Peace.

  

[peace in steel town]

Another update, we went to the wedding last Saturday, had a great time, even my wife admitted she was glad we didn't bring dd with us, as dd would have made up some drama so the day would have been about her instead of the bride, and there is no way dd would have let us go home when we wanted to. Plus, dd apologized.

[pessim-optimist]

Glad to hear you had a good time!

Tell us more about the apology - was that something required, or did she do it spontaneously?

[peace in steel town]

As far as the apology goes, I sympathized with her, that she felt alone and that she blamed me for all of her troubles, and she apologized. Now for the update. Her boyfriend dumped her, and he started dating one of her friends. Children's aid told her to go back to the home for teen moms, she sat down with them for an interview on Monday and on Thursday they called and said they were full. So, she applied to a different home, had an interview planned for Friday, but she missed this meeting as she slept in that morning, so a new meeting is planned for Tuesday. Now for the meat and potatoes of this post. Last night, there was a lot of chatter on her facebook account, between her friends, and it came out that dd got pregnant on purpose, that she badgered her boyfriend into going off birth control while she went off the pill at the same time and they would try to have a baby together. Apparently, he said he was not ready for this, but she bugged him until he caved. So much for this being an accident. And, of course, she doesn't want to talk about this. 

[peace in steel town]

So, we got our first ultimatum last week, that if dd doesn't move in with us, or move into a group home, they will take the baby away at birth. Dd checked into a different home for teen moms last week. Of course, my wife had to enable that, taking time off work, driving across town to drag her out of bed from where she was staying, to drive back across town to drop her off. The problem is, what's next? Dd can only stay in this home until the baby is three months old, then she has to move on. There's another possible place she can go to, where she and the baby can stay for one year, if she can get in. Still, at the end of that year, she still has to move on, to where? Assuming she behaves herself, doesn't get kicked out or run away, there will still come a time where the only place she can go to live and keep the baby is with us. I'm assuming she hasn't grown up and dazzled children's aid with her ability to cope. Dd is so used to having mom come and rescue her, I can see it coming that she will run away on purpose to try to live here, or her baby will get taken away. Then, she will be a first class terror, as she knows we won't be able to kick her out at that point.

[pessim-optimist]

I hear a lot of worry in your post... .

I have worried and projected into the future a lot with my SD as well, so I understand. At the same time, life changes so much with pwBPD that most of my projections have changed many times over, before the time came to take action, and I had to worry about different things than those I was ready for.

The best approach proved to be to be aware of the possibilities, but to take problems a day at a time.

For all you know, you may be faced with those dilemmas a year from now, or your sd may get kicked out the first place and get into bigger trouble. Or she might get into the second place only to run off w/ a random bf... .

If I were her mom, I would do my best to try to help her get into all those programs and to keep her there, because it would keep her semi-independent and out of my home. A win-win!

Does that make sense?

[HappyGoLucky]

My advice…...

Until you are both on the same page with DD, it is going to be very very hard on both of you. I can tell from my own experience. My marriage fell apart due to my husband and I taking very different steps in dealing with our DD. One thing that is worth doing is seeking combined counselling to work through strategies on how you can both deal with DD. Stick together and work at the same strategies that you can put into place. It is very hard to do but worth it. It saved my marriage!

All the best!

Cheers HappyGoLucky

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peace in steel town]

Of course, getting dd into a group home for expecting and teen moms is a good idea. It was a good idea the last time we struggled to get her into a group home, as well. She checked into the first one I think back in April, she stayed for 5 weeks and ran away. It seems she dug in her heels, refused to do her chores, and the other girls got jealous and stole her peach juice and chips. Instead of dealing with the situation, she ran away to live with a couple she barely knew. She continued to go to the school the group home offered, but after a week she decided that getting up before 7 in the morning was too inconvenient, so she dropped out. She gave no further thought to school or homes until children's aid gave their ultimatum. Dd tried to go back to the first home, but they said they were full. Dd had an appointment to meet with the second one, but slept in and missed it. That's when my wife stepped in, and started driving dd around to make sure she got into the second home. Sure, the kid got in, but she didn't learn that if you want something, you have to get out of bed and make it there on time. As far as playing the " what if" game, I think it's valid. Dd has run away from home 4 times, twice here, once from moms', once from dad's. She has been in 5 different high schools, in different cities and even different provinces, and a every time we hear the same thing, a month and a half into the school year, she needs a fresh start. This kid runs away from her problems, and her parents enable her in this. She had an apartment of her own last year, but after a month or so, she gave it up. Three times, her panic attacks got so bad, she took an ambulance ride to the hospital. She can't stand being alone. Her boyfriend ran away from home so he could hold her hand all day long, but she proved too clingy for him in the long run. She won't go to a food bank unless mom drives, and goes in with her. This kid has a lot of problems, and I don't think enabling her and bringing a baby into the mix will help. Dd needs to grow up, and get help, and learn to stand on her own two feet. And yes, we are seeking counselling.   

[pessim-optimist]

  It's good to hear that you are seeking counseling. Another pair of ears/eyes can bring a different perspective and might see different options/solutions.

Dd has run away from home 4 times, twice here, once from moms', once from dad's. She has been in 5 different high schools, in different cities and even different provinces, and a every time we hear the same thing, a month and a half into the school year, she needs a fresh start.

Ok, so this is her disordered coping mechanism = you know how she tries to cope with her problems.

This kid has a lot of problems, and I don't think enabling her and bringing a baby into the mix will help.

Well, it looks like the baby is coming whether it's a good idea or not... .

And you are right - it will become more complicated, because now it will be a question of what's in the best interest of the baby (the truly innocent party here) and what's in the best interest of everyone else.

Dd needs to grow up, and get help, and learn to stand on her own two feet.

That's the goal. It may or may not happen - ever.

So, long term, it's best for your family to find a workable balance between supporting her while keeping your lives intact.

I can hear your frustration, and I understand (my pwBPD is my adult step-daughter).

I have learned though, that sometimes, there is a very thin line between true support and enabling. Enabling is harmful, support is essential.

You and your wife have an opportunity to become a better team: if you listen to each other really carefully, your wife can learn from you to not enable and you can learn from her to support more.