Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 01:43:42 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: 1   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Somewhere Along The Way, I too Lost my Sanity from his BPD  (Read 734 times)
this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« on: July 24, 2014, 08:40:44 PM »

Today, I was his emotional punching bag, again, for the thousandth time. In a drive by shooting (argument), my BPD husband hit me so many times with triggers then hung the phone up on me, that I was left desperately crying for hours-redialing his number, and begging for mercy so that he could stop hurting me. All of this as the children played without noticing. This is such a familiar scenario for me. Talking to him about anything (other than conversations where I just knod my head and agree with everything he says) is like walking into a mindfield. While he has pretty much stopped yelling at me, physically hurting me, and calling me "whore" in these three years of marriage-he knows me so well that he can pull out any deeply intimate thing about me in a regular conversation to use as a knife through my heart. Some conversations turn so quickly, within two minutes he has reduced me to a raw bleeding mess of emotions.

These three years of marriage have seen me go from a smiling, positive, compassionate, kind, outgoing psychology doctoral student to a depressed, raw, frazzled, yelling, crying, desperate mess. I have wished myself to die so many times. I have held knives to my skin, trying to imagine I have some way out of this situation. I have got in the car and sped after him (in my nightgown). I have begged and begged and begged for my BPD husband to have mercy on me. I have hit him and myself to make him stop verbally abusing me. In other words, I am completely falling apart at the hands of this man.

I have been too ashamed to tell anyone (except the priest) these problems. The priest's response after I said I was afraid my BPD husband would kill me was that if I died in marriage at the hands of this man-God would reward me in Heaven. Basically I have held all of this in-except when cops were called to our home. I feel so unhinged after suffering with this cruel man in my life. I want my sanity back. This is my life with a BPD husband. Sometimes I look at him and he looks like a walking demon. I don't know how else to describe it. Other times- he pretends to be upbeat-and it seems so unnatural and off. I hope I can regain a piece of me that was lost to him.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2014, 08:58:51 PM »

Top Ten Most Cruel Things I Just Can't Seem to Heal from

1. leaving me with bruises and scratches (to hide with make up) on our wedding day because I was supposedly "looking at and standing too close" to another male in the church choir on the eve of our wedding

2. frantically waiving a knife at me while I held our newborn in my hands because he was furious at something I did

3. pushing me on the ground while I was crying at my dead father's grave and calling me a whore

4. making me wear amish looking clothing then calling me a whore while I was wearing it

5. saying he wanted to wipe his butt with a beautiful and amazingly romantic wedding album with my handwritten love poems, quotes from our wedding service, and pictures of us that I had made as a gift for our anniversary

6. calling me a "piece of sh... ." because I was looking out the window while we drove past a highschool (somehow I was supposedly cheating on him by looking out the window)

7. Pushing me, twisting my leg muscle, and leaving bruises on me as I held our infant son because I bought a snack while church was going on -then his walking back into church to go read aloud within minutes of attacking me as if nothing had happened

8. The hundreds of names he has called me "wh-, piece of garbage, piece of sh-, horrible person, b-, fat (when I was seven months pregnant during all three of my pregnancies)" waking me up to pour cold water on me, and screaming at me that he hates me

9. calling me a horrible person because I asked for frozen yogurt

10. his going out and binging on pizzas then demanding that I and the babies eat a wheat free, vegan diet
Logged
corraline
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782



« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2014, 10:23:04 PM »

Hello this2shallpass                          Welcome

Welcome to BPD Family

I am so sorry for all of the pain and difficulty that you are experiencing with your husband.  It sounds extremely stressful. It's no wonder you are feeling like you are losing your sanity. I have felt this myself in my relationship and many of us here share similar feelings to yours.  You are not alone.

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.

The incidents you describe are concerning and as a precaution i would like to encourage you to please have a look at the links I am providing for you. Your safety and well being is important and we are here to support you.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Safety First

Do you have any other kind of support system ?  A trusted friend, family member or counselor ?  This community will provide you with a place to share openly and honestly about your feelings and experiences. 

Please keep posting, we are here for you.

corraline

Logged
maxen
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252



« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2014, 10:39:49 PM »

hi this2shall pass, and  i join corraline in saying Welcome

i can scarcely find the words to tell you how sorry i am to read your story. on this board you'll be among people who have experienced the effects of BPD and understand what can happen in a marriage.

you mention that you have discussed this with a priest. the response he gave you is an outrage. do not accept that. you can seek out another priest, even from another parish.

it's a good thing that the police are aware to some extent of what is going on. you may wish to speak to the DV unit too. when you have a moment please also read through this pamphlet, Safety First. it may help clarify your thinking.

is there anyone else you can speak to about this? please keep posting here this2shall pass, we want to hear you and help!
Logged

Ziggiddy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married 10 years
Posts: 833



« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2014, 10:15:40 AM »

Oh this2shall pass

what a terrible terrible situation to be in. how very frightening and frustrating. You must be so worn down by this. I have to applaud you and commend you for stepping up and saying your story.  It is so hard to come forward and you have done the right thing. Nobody NOBODY should have to endure such treatment.

I am deeply religious, this2 and I agree full heartedly with maxen's suggestion - the priest is not supporting you scripturally. A man is supposed to cherish his wife like a fragile and precious vessel. This is not assigning you honour or treating you with respect as he promised to do. Quite the opposite in fact. Are you able if you can, to find a more loving supportive spiritual person to assist you?

And please don't neglect to look after yourself and your little ones. In the face of such provocative behaviour from someone close to us it can be the easiest thing in the world to say "What's the point?" Are you able to get some sleep? I imagine you must be tired and worn down. Plus looking after kids can leave you so tired and this can affect your decisions and how you feel moment to moment. My heart goes out to you. Please keep posting and let us know how things go

Ziggiddy

Logged

this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2014, 03:32:55 PM »

Thank you all for commenting. I know tons about BPD as I studied clinical psychology and was 2 years away from a doctorate. I used to practice mindfulness, validation, and other DBT skills all the time as a student. I thought when I married this man (so foolishly) "oh I'll just give him empathy and compassion because I love him so much that I will cure him in time." How quickly my ability to empathize was lost when I got thrown on the floor and spit on because I opened a package from my mother when he wasn't there (she sent me a shoe I lost at her house), had to watch my husband tear through my belongings, and most painful being called names for small small things.

I want to stay married because I made this choice before God and for my children. I absolutely love my children and can see how damaging BPD "parenting" can be to offspring-because I see traits all over my husband's family of origin (which I believe is why my husband is the way he is today). Even though my husband has implementing dogmatic rules in our house for me and the children-I try to be as compassionate and loving as I can to the children (when I am not emotionally breaking down). Sometimes I can't stop crying for four hours or more-but they are so young they don't really understand. When I am sobbing, I carress them frequently and tell them I love them. I am a SAHM so if I am breaking down-I don't have an outlet to go do a "time out." I have to watch the children. What typically happens is my husband will criticize me for hours, then say something downright cruel that pushes me over the limit. Very black and white thinking-and when something isn't done exactly his way, it is "bad." When I start sobbing-he has already won, but he will escalate me by saying more and more cruel things. Then he will often call ME "crazy" and that I am "abusing the children" because I am crying and hysterically asking him to have mercy on me and stop hating me.

We are no longer seeing that particular priest because the priest became very controlling and mean, but I have yet to reveal the relationship "nuances" to our new priest. On the outside, people think we are a great couple and we get compliments often from people saying they "love" us and our kids.

My husband is actually better, in a way, since we have been married. He is "too religious" to use psychology (which is "all evil" but somehow in these years he has stopped the physical violence. He once broke our laptop because I went to Walmart. Somehow he has stopped the frantic BPD reactions-but now his behavior is an almost robotic/controlled way of knowing what to say to hurt me when he can see that I am starting to break. He only escalates my own pain. Somehow, the robotic way of saying evil things to me hurts more because it is so coldly and unemotionally delivered. He likes to say he hates me and he is "numb" to the pain I cause him.

I, on the other hand, have developed worse responses to his jabs. In the beginning, when he would attack me out of no where, I was so stunned. I would usually leave or cry quietly in the bathroom. Then, unfortunately I discovered, that the more out of control I became, the faster he would stop hurting me-and many times apologize. If I hit him, if I yelled names at him-he would stop attacking me. Now, because of the years of unexpected blowups, living in emotional fear, emotions related to three pregnancies in three years, and history of painful events that act like triggers-I have a lot less patience and am set off way more easily.

I will try to practice wisemind and radical acceptance more (because sadly, three years of praying with tears and often having him blow up at me right when I finished praying) have given me a desire to seek another form of coping. Thank you for some form of compassion. When I am on the floor sobbing, he usually says to me I'm just trying to manipulate him or he laughs or gets mad at my tears.





Logged
JohnLove
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2014, 08:00:04 PM »

Oh, this2shallpass, this is a really terrible situation. I feel deeply for your predicament. I was completely blindsided by my BPDgf. I too have thought love conquers all in relationships with issues. I know better now. What you have described is SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS. I know children sometimes are unaware but they are so observant. Playing or occupying themselves may be a coping behaviour. Look deeply into their eyes. I don't know how you can possibly give your children the support that they so desperately need while you are flailing in this terribly abusive situation.

The priest only magnified your suffering by what he said. I don't know about his other actions but I am glad that he is removed. You need to remove toxic people from your life. Toxic people are just that.

Try and try all you like... .learn new techniques, update your knowledge, read studies, post on forums, keep going, keep loving this "man"... .but you need an escape plan. One that will ensure YOUR emotional survival and that of YOUR children. I am glad the physical violence has subsided. I know you are deeply religious. How is God helping you?. Doesn't God help those that help themselves. You need to do something different.

The fact that you seem highly intelligent and were studying to become a therapist yourself tells me you are highly self aware and of your situation. You are not going why? Why?. You are asking how?. You are not coping because it may not even be possible. The behaviour you describe is extremely abusive and you are at your wits end.

Your reference to his FOO didn't miss my attention. That is how he was raised. This is what is familiar (safe?) to him. That is what his idea of "family" does, did or continues to do. My BPDgf has manipulated, set up, goaded me many times into becoming abusive. Once I realised this I stopped and acted like me. I could see that by me NOT being abusive she felt unsure of the relationship, how to behave, how to feel. This is how they feel "safe". It was a wonderful and terrible realisation all at the same time. Realise that. Protect yourself and your loved ones. God would want you to do that. God truly loves you.

I am so sorry for your situation. :'(  May peace find you... .
Logged
Ziggiddy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married 10 years
Posts: 833



« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2014, 12:02:58 AM »

this2shallpass

Thank you for writing more and clarifying your position.

I don't underestimate your knowledge of clinical psychology at all but I am concerned that your self esteem has been affected and it is difficult for you to see clearly that no one, least of all God wants you to put up with abusive behaviour. I totally respect your decision to stay married to your husband - it is your decision to make and your right to exercise. I would however point out that there are no scriptural grounds for his treatment of you. "Love your neighbour as you love YOURSELF" - It is important as JuhnLove said to have an exit strategy in place.  Although the physical abuse has abated the emotional and mental torture has not.

By exit strategy I am not suggesting you pack your bags and go if you don't want to do that. I mean are you able to leave the room? Perhaps go the loo or outside for a walk when the things get too much? And also maybe think about emotionally separating from him in your mind when he is abusive? I am worried that you might be normalising it.

This is a link that deals with believing in ourselves https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

You may find it useful to examine. You are worth so much this2 I hope you know that. SO much

Logged

DreamFlyer99
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 1863



« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2014, 12:33:09 AM »

This2shallpass,

My heart goes out to you.

Many of these dynamics happen as you know because of your husband's deep seated faulty beliefs about himself, and his need to get all that negative emotion off of him somehow. I was taking it all personally with my husband, even though it was about how he was feeling about himself, and not really about me--I was just there to catch the awful things he was feeling so strongly and so deeply but didn't want to.

Once I stepped back I was better able to see how my husband saw ME as the bully even though I was feeling bullied. And he was looking for a reaction, a bigger fight, and I was giving him one by buying into it. I learned I needed to remain calmer in the moment, somewhat neutral even, consistently. This tool, for example, was helpful: How to stop circular arguments

I found that when I was trying to reason or defend myself things just got ramped up, so I started practicing the "take a step back and don't engage" idea. Much better for both of us.

But most importantly when I saw the change in him that meant his emotions were on the way to getting bigger and louder I did choose to remove myself--that could mean go for a walk, take the kids to a coffee shop or somewhere they can play, or a neighbor's. Give him a chance to cool off, and keep yourself out of harm's way AND the children from having to see a fight and their mama so sad. My kids are grown now, and by the time I figured out what was happening they were somewhat desensitized to my pain and didn't have a good picture of what love looked like.

As you have seen and others have mentioned, a common problem within the church (churches of all kinds, really) is a lack of relevant knowledge to help them recognize domestic violence, either physical or emotional. It's a wide-spread problem.

Your husband gets to make his choices about how he wants to treat his family, and by the same token you get to choose what is healthy for yourself and your children. God has given all of us the freedom to choose. That's the part i'd forgotten, caught up in the FOG. And the choice is yours to make, nobody can decide for you whether to stay or to go, it's a very personal choice. Definitely learn the tools for more effective communication, how to take care of yourself, how to not engage--just don't forget that in the rough moments protecting yourself and your children is of utmost importance, even if that means taking them to a neighbor's house.

YOU MATTER simply because God put you on the planet! You're intelligent, you love your kids, you have important values. YOU ARE WORTHWHILE. This hits close to home for me, and I know what a struggle it is to pull yourself from the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt--here's a link that explains: Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Who do you know that you can take the kids to visit when you need to remove them from potential violence? Is there someone you can call to come over if you need help? These are good things to have at the ready.

Once I started seeing what my husband was responsible for (his actions, words, behaviors) and what I was responsible for (the same) I stopped being as hurt by what he said and did. I didn't own those mean words and hurtful actions.

We all want the best for you, so keep us updated, okay?

dreamflyer99

Logged
this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2014, 10:13:26 AM »

Thank you all for your helpful comments. Since I have read some of the information from this board, I have actually tried it out a few times in the last few days with some success. Disengaging and becoming detached from him has helped. It is so true as DreamFlyer99 found-that whenever my husband feels bad/stressed/hungry I become a catch-all for his abusive explosions. I saw that in the last few days when we moved. I could see the peaks of stress in him and in the midst of this he would interrogate or try to engage me in some topic of debate. Mind you-my husband criticizes me ALL DAY LONG-even things that he does wrong or forgets-somehow they are my fault. Our two year old son likes baths-but not showers. My husband used to give him showers and after a while he started crying frantically even when we verbalized he would be showering. I put a stop to that and started bathing him. I know my husband was not being mean to our son (because I was there when he was with him)-but kids cry from baths and showers when soap gets in their eyes. So-I figured maybe this was the reason our son was crying so much because I would see his eyes were irritated after the shower.

My husband tends to introduce a debatable topic often about parenting. He preaches and lectures about it in monologues that go on for a long time, while I quietly listen. I phrase my suggestions (or usually defenses) for parenting very non-accusatively, like "maybe he got soap in his eyes"-as oppose to "you always stick soap in his eyes." My husbands style of talking is "you always... .you never... ."-just very inflamatory language that I have to put up with all day long. So after he interrogated me into speaking (because I have been refraining from talking about things that we disagree about), I finally said "maybe he cried because he got soap in his eyes." That was enough to set my BPD-husband off-screaming that I am a liar and "sh-up... ." right next to my ear.

Believe me-I know this is not normal. I now everything he does that is evil is not normal.

Am I normalizing it? Perhaps in a way-and that way is saying to myself that he is an evil person and that this is normal for him. I just repeat that in my head and disengage. I used to get caught in a cycle of his interrogate-attack-interrogate-attack. I used to cry to myself-"I don't deserve this." "I came from a loving family." "I have known mostly loving-normal relationships with people." "How could he be so cruel." But-the longer I reflected on these pitying thoughts-the more desperate and helpless I became. That's why I think radical acceptance works for me because lately I just think-"he's attacking me, he's evil, I will not participate."

I just become quiet because my showing any reaction is used to twist things that "it's all my fault." It is AMAZING how people with BPD traits can twist and distort the meaning of things you say (and do). Things I would never even imagine-my husband has created in his mind by twisting things. Often my husband has provoked a very desperate or hurt reaction out of me where I have finally said something as revenge-and based on that provoked reaction-he twisted the fight to be my fault because of the thing I said or did after hours of his abuse (if that makes sense).

In the end-the less I react or respond, the faster the fight gets resolved and he usually apologizes first. The less I answer, justify, and defend, the less he attacks me. Is it horrible not being about to ever feel like I can fully express myself in a safe environment-definitely horrible, especially for someone like me who grew up with a very compassionate mother and several emotionally safe relationships in my life. Oh-my husband also tried many times to cut me off from having friendships with women or female family members in my marriage because they were "influencing me." But I never let him cut me completely. I still write, call, and maintain support but don't talk about my marriage to anyone. 

I have also learned to be more of a "blank slate." Many times when he would come home-I would be smiling or happy and get yelled at because "I was somehow laughing at him." Can you imaging being made to feel ashamed because your husband came home and found you happy? I leave my happy face for the kids and my blank face for him.

As far as exit strategy-I have been leaving more. I used to be afraid to leave the house when we fought because my husband has destroyed many of my clothes, pictures, shoes, and other possessions since we got married. (He used to say that in marriage everything was mutual-thereby justifying his destroying ONLY my things.) He has since stopped that-so I feel okay to leave when things get bad.

What else makes it tolerable? My husband has a very apologetic side as well. When he behaves badly and many times when I treat him badly as pay back-he will apologize and become very sensitive, doting, and caring. Sometimes this lasts for days. It is so strange how two people can exist in one body and I've often told him in a fight that I want my husband back and for this evil thing to leave him.

Things like these is probably the reason why no one understands this disease unless you've seen it firsthand (including priests and church goers).

For now, the thing that is helping me is becoming invisible. If you refuse to engage or defend; if you visualize the abuse happening to an empty chair (where actually I am sitting)-it makes it less volatile and makes it less painful. I am sure this doesn't always work, but for now every little thing helps.



Logged
maxen
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252



« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2014, 02:17:03 PM »

this2, you have shown such bravery, real bravery, moral and physical. i do, though, want to emphasize what dreamflyer said in her post above about self-regard, and i hope you will follow the link she gave. becoming invisible will help to deflate the intensity of individual incidents, but, if i may say so, you shouldn't become invisible to yourself. i've re-read all your posts above and they make for difficult reading.

Things like these is probably the reason why no one understands this disease unless you've seen it firsthand (including priests and church goers).

it's a very painful situation, but we know, we understand. please keep posting!
Logged

DreamFlyer99
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 1863



« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2014, 05:38:35 PM »

I have to say, what Maxen said about "invisible" really hits something in me.

I went through what you describe as your way to try to lessen the attacks, by showing less emotion, not engaging, many things. But then I just wanted to be entirely invisible because I didn't want to feel pain. And then eventually I just didn't really feel, period.

Three years is a pretty rapid descent to the place you find yourself now... .can you see a therapist to help you? A loss of self-esteem and even a questioning of who we are when in a BPD relationship is normal, but not healthy for you or your children.

I didn't see the changes going on in me over the years, although I eventually realized my undiagnosed husband's behavior was getting worse over time. And a lack of physical abuse or destruction does not mean a lack of abuse, as you've seen. The emotional destruction builds into us at the deepest level. I'm struggling to heal from some of that in these last 6 months I've been out of the house with limited contact with my husband, so my staying in the relationship did cause some deep scarring. I'm not saying a marriage to someone suffering with BPD and who acts out in such hurtful ways isn't possible, I just want you to know I wish i'd known to set better boundaries for what I value: respect, partnership, mutuality, stuff like that.

This article was so helpful to me when I was trying to figure out who I was again: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Working through that info and the workshop it links to was valuable to me as I started being able to once again clarify what things were important enough to NOT be invisible about.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I don't think you mentioned, is there a friend, neighbor or relative nearby who could be a safe place for you to go if things seem to be getting out of control?

Let me know what you think about that Boundaries article, it seriously changed my life. Smiling (click to insert in post)

df

Logged
Ziggiddy
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married 10 years
Posts: 833



« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2014, 08:23:24 AM »

this2 - I am glad for you to be finding your footing in some ways and at least reducing levels of conflict. Refusing to engage is tricky at first but becomes easier with practise. There is simply no argument to it - no matter how the other person may attempt to escalate it. It takes time to build self esteem and while obviously educating yourself more and more is enabling to your own strategies it is not the same as actually putting them into practise. Well done you for making the effort.

There is always the hope that they will improve although this should be tempered with a realistic view that it may not change in any lasting way.

BPD is notoriously resistant to intervention but if the person is willing to engage in therapy or intervention and 'hold' the work then there is every chance for improvement. But if they choose not to, it is realistic to expect things to remain the same. The main thing I look for is to 'validate the valid' and try my best to ignore or overlook the invalid. The education and reading is what helps to distinguish between the 2. Choosing what is worth engaging in. Choosing to state your case quietly and confidently. Choosing the outcome you are determined on  regardless of what they do. That is what the techniques are for. They are to assist YOU. He may or may not wish to be assisted but that is not what you have to focus on.

I'm glad you are continuing to talk about it. It can be very very difficult for people to understand the behaviour of someone with this disorder and their advice or response can even be detrimental to your own development. I hope you continue to work on YOU and reap some benefit to finding a degree of peace and balance.

All the best 

Ziggiddy
Logged

this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2014, 11:09:40 PM »

Any Ideas Out There?

So we had a lot happen recently. We bought a house and I am about to give birth in three weeks. For the last three weeks my husband started acting cold to me and claiming "I abuse him." He wrecked his motorcycle and I was at the time taking care of him. Then he said he wanted to  deliver our baby himself (as in at home without even a midwife), even though he used to be an EMT I did not feel comfortable with this. At one point he said we needed to cut down a hedge of flowers because of a few snakes we have on our property. When I said I prefered that he did not, he called me a "piece of shi-". The next day, he heard me on the phone with a midwife and yelled that I am a "horrible mother and on my own with the labor." Now, I am worried because my husband has been my labor partner with the other births. What is a pregnant woman to do without any help at all when she goes into labor. He keeps yelling that I only abuse him "all the time" and that I've abused him the whole marriage. He won't say why he feels this way. It's actually been the opposite, he has abused me the whole marriage. What should I do? He has been treated me with such hatred for three weeks now and I am about to have this baby? I tried ignoring it-but really how can someone be so freaking crazy and cruel?

Logged
Louise7777
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 515



« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2014, 11:52:37 PM »

Hi This2shallpass. Im sorry about your situation. I wish I could give you advice, but it wouldnt be much different from what people had said.

I wonder if you have any support system there, relatives, parents, friends? Did anybody witnessed his behaviour? I assume it happens when nobody is there, but since it seems so out of control, maybe he raged at you in front of others? Also, is your family aware of your situation?

Logged
this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #15 on: September 08, 2014, 11:56:21 AM »

There have NEVER been any witnesses! People on the outside world think he is such a great person. When I asked him repeatedly why he's been hating me for the last three weeks, after about the hundredth time, he finally said that he was sick, but then went back to saying how I've abused him this whole time. Then he tried to get me to come up with the things that made him mad.

I know I am not an abuser. I know that every day I try to be a loving wife. Sometimes I can't just detach from the abuse. I am scared about being in labor on my own. We don't have anyone close and if I did ask for someone to help me when I would go into labor, they would question what is going on between my husband and I that he can't help. I would love to get counseling for this, but my husband is too "religious" to ever support counseling that is not from a priest, or pay for it for that matter.

I am so scared. I just pray that God take him away from me. I tell him how the grief that he causes me by constantly yelling "shut up" and that I am "disgusting" is bad for the baby and can make my labor go really badly, but he just does not care at all.
Logged
Louise7777
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 515



« Reply #16 on: September 08, 2014, 12:18:41 PM »

I was assuming there were no witnesses. To me, this says he can control himself. But it doesnt matter anyway. Is your family aware of all this? Parents, friends?

I feel (I may be wrong) that you are "protecting" him so people dont know his true self. Its like you are keeping a secret. I believe you have to think about yourself and your kids, if people ask you, thats not your problem, you can say something "mild", not exposing him completely, but not avoiding help in your labour cause it will make him look bad.

Please dont question yourself, you are not an abuser. He is the one abusing you and controlling you in so many ways. I believe you need some support. You cant go to counselling now, but Id look for another priest. Im assuming you are Catholic like me. A priest would never tell you to endure abuse like that (the priest you talked to seemed way off to me).

I suggest you post in the Staying forum, until you decide what to do, so people in similar situations may help you more. They will give you ideas and support.
Logged
DreamFlyer99
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 1863



« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2014, 07:04:10 PM »

Hey this2--

Your body will be the one in labor, and it's fine for you to do what you need for you and the baby to be safe, whether that means calling an ambulance or going to the hospital when labor starts... .Often when our loved one with BPD says things that actually reflect what we are thinking about them it's just that they are projecting their bad feelings out onto us. It sounds like they're saying it about us, but on some level maybe he realizes he hasn't been very nice to you?

What's your plan for when labor starts? Just in case your husband isn't around to help, or doesn't want to help?

The Staying board would be a great place to get some support and ideas, Louise777 is so right about that.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2014, 04:41:06 PM »

Dr. Jekyll Returned

Well-as you all know there can actually be two people in one when it comes to BPD. The nice husband came back, asked for forgiveness and became caring/doting again (like asking me if I wanted him to cook me breakfast/lunch/dinner, if I needed the fan put higher or lower, holding me all night). Sigh-I wish he could stay around for always. I don't know when Mr. Hyde will be back, but Dr. Jekyll will help with birth. I still don't know what I supposedly did to "earn" three weeks of hatred and punishment from my husband. (I know NO ONE deserves this treatment no matter what they do, but he has told me in the past reasons for his abuse-usually that I apparently don't love him someway he wants me to).

I used to be a marriage/relationship counselor when I was in grad school. I remember teaching couples about "Love Languages" and how it's not important how we define love-it's important how our partner defines love and that we speak our partner's language (like words of gratification, physical touch, gifts, acts of kindness). Then I married this man and learned that his "love language" meant reading his mind, throwing away every photo, card, memory from my past, i.e. erasing thirty years from my life before I met him, cutting off all friends and family, and dressing like an amish woman-oh and not having any ideas or opinions that differ from his own in any way. I just was never able to do the things that he abusively demanded of me when we were first married and didn't see why I had to in order for him to stop abusing me. He often used to become irrate at me because I refused to stop shaving my legs

In any case, I do have a midwife for when I go into labor and I think if I make all other preparations ahead of time I will feel more at ease when the time comes. I believe that my husband will help me now. Only time will tell when that horrible side of his returns.

As far as coping-when he is horrible, I should probably remind myself "this too shall pass," although this time I was getting very anxious because three weeks had gone by with him hating me and saying "it's over between us" and "have a nice life."

Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #19 on: September 09, 2014, 06:31:07 PM »

In any case, I do have a midwife for when I go into labor and I think if I make all other preparations ahead of time I will feel more at ease when the time comes. I believe that my husband will help me now. Only time will tell when that horrible side of his returns.

Are you having a home birth? If so, try to quietly talk to your midwife about what is going on. See if you can get her to advocate on your behalf so that you can get friends, family, anybody in that house to help you with the baby and your other kids. If he doesn't do those things when other people are around, then try to keep as many people around as possible.

Logged
Compassion14
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94


« Reply #20 on: September 09, 2014, 07:42:03 PM »

Thistooshallpass... .

"For now, the thing that is helping me is becoming invisible."

I can't begin to tell you how devastated and scared for you and your children this statement makes me.

No one should every have to become invisible. No child should ever have to witness or sense that coping strategy in their parent either. I'm not criticizing you. I want to jump through my computer and drag you from the hands of this man who is sucking the life out of you.

I am so sad for your situation. Please consider trying to leave ... .for the sake of your children even... .they won't always 'be too young'.

Hugs.
Logged
DreamFlyer99
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 1863



« Reply #21 on: September 10, 2014, 11:46:44 PM »

I'm glad you're formulating a plan for birth--

the things he's saying about you when he's talking like he hates you are not really about him, but yes they do still cause trauma to you, real honest to goodness trauma. So like Vortex said, have people around you and the baby! great idea. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Take care of you and your little ones! 

Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2014, 09:20:18 AM »

I am very concerned for you and your children!  

I have your background too educationally... .we have to stay grounded in how serious this illness is... .we can't love them out of this illness.

I am most concerned about the violence. it has to stop... .it tends to increase if it's not contained.

in the US most communities have free access to domestic violence Counselors ... .they can work with you privately and help you develop a safety plan.

Can you reach out for that kind of support? Your midwife would be an excellent person to help you with this. Can you speak with her privately?

as you probably know your husband should be on treatment... he would probably benefit from medication.  he sounds like he cycles a lot.  my partner does too.

I'm so sorry... .please reach out for support and help. he is so sick ... and his sickness if left unchecked is really damaging all of you. In his right mind, he wouldn't want that. it's bad for all of you... .time to call in the Calvery and get some much needed support to put the breaks on the cycle of abuse.

Logged

DreamFlyer99
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 1863



« Reply #23 on: September 11, 2014, 10:33:14 AM »

II am most concerned about the violence. it has to stop... .it tends to increase if it's not contained.

I experienced this first hand--where my uBPDh felt more free and more free to get away with his intimidation from verbal, emotional till he got physical. That's when I called someone to come get me (good to have a big man coming to get me! it put the damper on my husband's physical intimidation.) Abuse is something that builds... .

Have you looked up "cycle of abuse"? I had just looked that up the week before my h hit his all time high and was really sad to see that we fit.

Keep in mind it's not for you personally to stop your husband from hurting you, it's your job to know when it's time to walk away or have him leave.

Did you ever have a look at the links Corraline gave you on the first page? Safety first? Having a plan is important.

I'm not going to say "he can't help himself" when your husband gets physical, but what does happen is it feeds on itself, the feeling of power someone gets with the release of the hormones that give them a rush from their actions.

I hope you check in and let us know when you have the baby! Smiling (click to insert in post)

Logged
this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #24 on: September 15, 2014, 10:24:45 AM »

He stopped being physically violent a while ago. There is no physical violence in our home. The abuse is now emotional and verbal (as it has always been).

In further clarification as to why I stay with him. I would be so scared to risk losing my children to him in a divorce. Even to have them go to him for visitation would break my heart. He is really loving with the children for the most part but, of course we have different parenting styles and argue all the time about parenting. I tend to be more lax with them (which he thinks makes me a horrible parent). In graduate school we learned that divorce is actually worse for children in terms of emotional, academic and adjustment to life. If parents can find a way to keep conflict low-the children come out better in the long run. I know that goes against popular thinking and it means basically sacrificing my life to this man for the sake of the children. At least individually we are both loving parents, if there is not love between us.

Also, I don't believe that I am worthy of anyone's love. When you are told how horrible you supposedly are for three years over very minute things, you start believing it. I don't believe men are capable of being supportive and loving (I am sorry to those of you who are men who take offense to this). I have just had such a profound experience in my life of emotional abuse by someone who is my caretaker and pledged to love me-that I will never be able to trust another person again. I have lost all faith and trust in humanity and don't believe that my life can be better. Yesterday I cried in our bedroom for four hours without anyone to comfort me but myself. I don't know how to comfort myself. I imagine that is how people feel that you hear about in the news who get locked in a closet somewhere for years.

I don't understand why God allowed such a marriage for me. I prayed for 10 years for a good husband and this is what I got! I feel like the world has forgotten me and the only thing in life that makes me happy is my babies.

Would I go through this all over again? Yes-for my babies yes. They are my entire life and if it means living without love for the rest of my life to have them with me always-that is what I will do.

Logged
Compassion14
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 94


« Reply #25 on: September 15, 2014, 02:54:59 PM »

Oh, thistooshallpass... .you are SO worthy of love and totally lovable. You have been conditioned to think that you are not worthy... .but away from the abuse you suffer you would see that there is love out there for you too. I am so sad you believe this about yourself.

I understand not wanting to be away from your children during visits with their father if you were to divorce, but you would be providing a calmer, safer home for your children... .and the thing they need the most to be emotionally developed... .an emotionally present mother. I am not pro divorce, however i am pro children... .I strongly disagree that 'divorce is actually worse for children in terms of emotional, academic and adjustment to life.'. If they are witnessing or even sensing abuse... .and know that their care givers are shut down emotionally that is more devastating in terms of all aspects of their development than experiencing divorce, from what I have researched... .and lived.

I wish you all the strength and peace in the world. You deserve it. Xx 
Logged
DreamFlyer99
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 1863



« Reply #26 on: September 18, 2014, 12:53:03 PM »

This2,

do you think you have Complex PTSD perhaps? The things you say about yourself ring pretty true for me as well, that learning to comfort ourselves, losing the picture of ourselves when under the constant barrage of negativity.

Believe me because i spent 37 years with my undiagnosed husband and certainly got to a point where i no longer felt i knew who i was, but i've been out of the house for 7 months now staying with family and what we have lived through causes us to be covered in a deep deep FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt until we couldn't see out. Guess what? You can learn to see again and to know who you are and learn how to carry safety in your own being.

It really can happen. Why do you think you would lose the children to him?
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #27 on: September 18, 2014, 01:09:30 PM »

Excerpt
Also, I don't believe that I am worthy of anyone's love. When you are told how horrible you supposedly are for three years over very minute things, you start believing it. I don't believe men are capable of being supportive and loving (I am sorry to those of you who are men who take offense to this). I have just had such a profound experience in my life of emotional abuse by someone who is my caretaker and pledged to love me-that I will never be able to trust another person again. I have lost all faith and trust in humanity and don't believe that my life can be better. Yesterday I cried in our bedroom for four hours without anyone to comfort me but myself. I don't know how to comfort myself. I imagine that is how people feel that you hear about in the news who get locked in a closet somewhere for years.

this does sound like PTSD and depression.  there is help.  you have to get some support form others to start feeling better.  It's mandatory. this is important not just for you, but your kids.  you will need to be as healthy as possible for your kids. you need support to do that.  Can you get help through local community counseling center?  MotherWise (supports new moms, national program) A Seeking Safety group? Call an 800 crises hot line and get referrals... .there should be a crises hotline you can call in your community, it's in the phone book or you can do internet search. Or talk to your midwife and get a referral. This is all confidential. He doesn't have to know.   Can you do that? So you can get help.  You don't have to leave him, you just need to get help for you so you can feel better.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!