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Author Topic: Three months NC sent her text  (Read 340 times)
love2give
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« on: July 24, 2014, 10:27:42 PM »

So I gave in to my crazy mind and after over three months NC sent her a text just saying "hi".  Half hour later and nothing has changed, silence.

What a horrible human being seriously.  

I don't really know when this terrible feeling inside will finally be over.
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Mutt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2014, 11:15:40 PM »

Hi love2give,

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get a response after 90 days of no contact. An ample amount of time has passed and you had a very difficult break-up and filed for divorce 3 years ago. That will shake things up from top to bottom and it's financially difficult.

You've had many highs and lows over a short period of time. Divorce is very difficult and you may feel depressed, lonely, have low esteem and anxious if you are going to meet someone again. A borderline has a little more electricity than other women and may help you to cope with your anxieties and depression. The feeling of being put on a pedestal and adulated is a very powerful and wonderful experience.

On the other side of this coin you have devaluation, a very long and painful tumble down from that pedestal. It's distressful and confusing watching someone you love treating you this way. Your girlfriend wanted sex on a Sunday and the by Thursday she didn't want to talk to you. She feels engulfed and she starts pushing you away, niggling little things triggers WAR and you hurt and confused with trying to fix the situation with reason and kindness.  The push / pull behavior is a frustrating and hurtful dynamic and you feel like anything that you do is never right.

I don't know all of the details but she sounds like a Queen with her controlling behaviors when she's throwing up FOG calling you when you're visiting your sisters. Queens are difficult and narcissistic. It's about her having control and not relenting it and it's all about her and her narcissistic needs.

Your gf has difficulties seeing the grey areas of life and in people love2give and sees in black and white. Your either put on a pedestal or devalued and denigrated and baffled as to what action or word set off this vitriol in your SO.

You are split black. It's a primitive defense mechanism triggered by the disorder to protect her core abandonment wound. It's not something that she has control over and a positive action from you won't offset it and change it back to white. It's not about you but about her subconsciously protecting her trauma, this is the disorder a very serious mental illness.

90 days is a longtime and its truly difficult detaching in the early parts of detachment.  I recall reminiscing about my ex and wanting to send her a message. It's hurtful when your cut off after giving everything you have to make things work with the person you love. She abandons the r/s and goes radio silent and you don't hear back from a friendly greeting. You likely don't want to hear this right now but it does get better as hard as it is for you now.

Don't be hard on yourself, you're mind isn't crazy. You experienced trauma. You may of felt triggered reminiscing about her and felt like reaching out. How are you feeling? What triggered you?

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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
love2give
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« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2014, 12:27:58 AM »

Thank you SO MUCH for replying.  I feel so alone right now, 1:30 am here and have to get up for work at 5 am but will not be sleeping.  I have basically been in two relationships in my life and both have been not so nice human beings and I think I am starting to question if maybe I am the monster in all this and I don't want to be a monster.

I just want to be a loving caring person and I truly believe I live my life that way but how can someone who lives that way always be treated so bad by the people they love?  Not looking for an answer, just wondering.

I cannot tell you how amazing your reply is.  You truly gave me hope and many things to think about.

I think what triggered todays text is the fact that her friend told me a few weeks ago that she still cared about me and was coming around.  THen again recently I have noticed her car parked often at home that is not hers so she may be on to boyfriend number two since our breakup in January.  NICE.

Will never understand how someone who said she completely loved me cannot even reply to a "hi",  I didn't ask her on a date.

Anyway, thank you again and God bless
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amigo
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2014, 01:10:27 AM »

Hang in there love2give. You are not alone. We are here with you. You are not a monster. Someone who gives you silent treatment after everything they have done to you is. Someone who is capable of splitting you black, which is exactly what is happening, Mutt is right, that someone is a monster.

My first "breakdown" after the big breakup with exBPDbf also happened after three months in the form of a text from me to him. I think the Non Contact (in the form of him not contacting me, so not TRUE N/C) had been building up a fantasy version of him in my head and after three months I just couldn't take it any more and had to contact him.

Then inevitable short recycle and then devalue and discard after two weeks happened.

I am not proud to say, one of the reasons I am on here so much is that I am constantly tempted to re-engage him. But thank goodness we have this outlet so we can curb our dangerous impulses to contact the monster exs.

The thing is, she will reply, when it suits her. Right now she is probably in bliss phase with new guy. Won't last, and she will come knocking on your door. Take some solace in that fact and stay silent. (I am kind of talking to myself here as well) Read as much as you can on here and don't let the fantasy version of her drive you insane.

Sending you strength and good vibes.
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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2014, 02:49:21 AM »

L2G, believe me, I understand how hard it is to lose contact with someone you valued so much and with who you felt a deep connection, whether it was her decision or yours to end contact.

I do want to flag for others reading here, though, that if we reversed this scenario, and our exes wBPD sent us a "hi" text after 3 months of silence, there would be a raft of posts about how ridiculous is was to break a long silence with an innocuous message like that; how the ex didn't even acknowledge the hurt, how s/he left us abruptly, and so on and on.

I say this just to gently remind us all that our exes are often in just as tender a position as we are with these overtures for contact.  It's no weirder when they send little "feeler" messages like that than when we do it.  Maybe this story will help us feel a little more sympathetic to the confused, awkward, anxious place our pwBPD feel when things have gone horribly wrong.
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love2give
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« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2014, 04:38:57 AM »

Thank you both.  I remember when we first started dating she would always show me texts and emails that her ex's would send her (2 different guys at that time). She was very open and up front to showing me anything they sent her.  After a few messages I asked her why she didn't just reply letting them know she had moved on and she would get annoyed and say they didn't deserve a reply.  They were the monsters then right.

Now I realize I think she truly loved  the attention.  I thought I was different to her as I really did treat this woman amazing.  I had suppers ready for her every single day of our relationship, payed for %90 of everything we did even though she knew I paid child support and had a huge amount of lawyer fees for my custody battle with my ex wife.  This never seemed to phase her and would often pick restaurants and activites for us to do but in the end never pulled out her wallet like it was all owed to her.

Amigo, thank you for your support but as much as she never ever replied or called back her other ex's, I don't think she will ever call me back.  She really is amazingly beautiful and has an endless supply of men after her.  The only thing she doesn't have going for her is that the majority of people that know even a little bit about her know her as the "psycho".  When people first found out I was dating her a few pulled me to the side and said "I here she is psycho".  Myself, never being one to judge anybody, defended her by telling them she is an amazing person.  How's that for a first RED FLAG  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post).

I truly don't know if I will ever have the feelings for someone in the future that I had for her.  And the thought of her showing off my text to her new boyfriend (if she has) makes me sick and that is why I started off with a simple "hi" instead of the long "i love you" messages she would show me her ex's sent.  If she is gonna feed off my text she at least won't have much to go on.  

Honestly this woman should come with a warning label.
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Jb101
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Posts: 100


« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2014, 06:17:12 AM »

Thank you SO MUCH for replying.  I feel so alone right now, 1:30 am here and have to get up for work at 5 am but will not be sleeping.  I have basically been in two relationships in my life and both have been not so nice human beings and I think I am starting to question if maybe I am the monster in all this and I don't want to be a monster.

I just want to be a loving caring person and I truly believe I live my life that way but how can someone who lives that way always be treated so bad by the people they love?  Not looking for an answer, just wondering.

I cannot tell you how amazing your reply is.  You truly gave me hope and many things to think about.

I think what triggered todays text is the fact that her friend told me a few weeks ago that she still cared about me and was coming around.  THen again recently I have noticed her car parked often at home that is not hers so she may be on to boyfriend number two since our breakup in January.  NICE.

Will never understand how someone who said she completely loved me cannot even reply to a "hi",  I didn't ask her on a date.

Anyway, thank you again and God bless

It's hard, but from my experience it's best to be strong and push yourself back when when you feel like contacting them. I'm nearly 3 months no contact. It's been very hard, but only with space am I processing some of the horrible things and realising how on a deep level just how unhealthy it is to even want to contact somebody who could have hurt me like that. Sure, there are good times I remember, but if I still wanted to be in contact I now see better how unhealthy that would be. Doesn't mean I don't miss her sometimes, or have weak moments. But I just remember the bad stuff too, stuff which it isn't about forgetting, forgiving or even talking about... .because to her it doesn't compute in the same way. And anything else is literally moth to a flame behaviour, except that we should be conscious of our behaviour, no matter how bad we hurt.

It's very hard for me atm. I'm processing just how far she set me back emotionally and with my confidence. I can go out and date, but still with all sorts of anxiety about random issues at times... .We need time to heal, and as much as we want it on occasion, contact is the,last thing we need.
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