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Author Topic: Dealing with Death in the family and a BPD H  (Read 352 times)
LilHurt420
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« on: July 25, 2014, 10:28:45 AM »

My grandfather passed away yesterday after a long battle with cancer and other complications.  He's been in and out of the hospital and nursing homes for the past 6 months or so and my husband has known this.  This week we knew would be the last week after they found they couldn't do much anymore.  My uBPDh knew this was coming and kept telling me how he would be there for me when it happened since he wasn't around when my grandmother passed a few years ago.

So I get the call yesterday morning from my mom (it's her dad) and leave work to meet my family at the hospital.  I called my H and he says he's sorry and promises to be there for me, etc.  I keep him posted on what I was doing all day yesterday.  He picked up our son from camp and stopped and got me flowers and a card which was nice.  We were supposed to have a friend we hadn't seen in a while come over that night (more his family friend, but I've gotten to know her too over the years) and I reminded him she was coming.  He tells me he was going to play poker.  He has a habit lately of going to play poker and not coming home until 5-6am.  So I get upset cause I'm not in the mood to entertain at all let alone without him and of course he doesn't even notice or care and just tells me to cancel with the friend.  I cancel with her and he left to go play poker.  I don't hear from him or anything and when I wake up at 4am he's not home.  I try to call him, his phones off.  I texted hi and never got a response.  I was furious.  He finally came home around 5am and comes to lay with me like everything is ok.  After asking him numerous times to get off of me and he won't, I get up and get in the shower for work.  Everything hits me and I just start crying.  He comes to comfort me, but I told him to leave me alone. 

I'm at the point I don't even want to be around him.  I guess this is more of just a vent, but it's just so frustrating that I can't even go through the loss of a family member with his support.  I want to scream.  Every single thing is only about him.  I've stayed up with him through all this bull ___ problems in his head that he makes up, but he can't even be home on the night my grandfather died.  I feel so disappointed but then again that is my fault.  I shouldn't have expected much more from him.

How do you deal with all this?  Has anyone else lost someone close to them and not had any support from their BPD spouse?
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martillo
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 28 yrs; staying for now
Posts: 172



« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2014, 11:28:35 AM »

I am so sorry for what you are dealing w right now - and it is especially sad that you feel unsupported by the person who you feel should be there for you. 

My dad had Parkinson's and end stage renal disease the last 3 years he was alive and was very ill- uBPDh got "mad" at my parents a couple of years before my dad passed away and had nothing to do w them until right before dad passed away.  While H was technically "there" for me the last couple of months dad was alive, I knew he wasn't a reliable source of support.  I have had to learn to accept what he is able to give, but not rely on him being there for much of anything.  It is a challenging thing for me but I try very hard to have no expectations of support from H.  I attend Al-anon for group support and rely on my faith and other sources for support.
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trappeddad
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« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2014, 12:50:53 PM »

Has anyone else lost someone close to them and not had any support from their BPD spouse?

my BPD spouse (well, ex) had a breakdown becuase i needed her to watch the child when i got the word of a good friend's death.    there were several other deaths in my/her family, and she turned it into being all about her... .just fighting with family members.    but i left her, and and i have 2 aging parents.   my future looks brighter knowing i plan to have someone truly there for me when further bad news arrives.         
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2014, 08:37:42 AM »

Has anyone else lost someone close to them and not had any support from their BPD spouse?

my BPD spouse (well, ex) had a breakdown becuase i needed her to watch the child when i got the word of a good friend's death.    there were several other deaths in my/her family, and she turned it into being all about her... .just fighting with family members.    but i left her, and and i have 2 aging parents.   my future looks brighter knowing i plan to have someone truly there for me when further bad news arrives.         

That is exactly what happened last night.  I had to go to my cousins to help get pictures together/write the eulogy/etc and my husband had a fit that he had to watch our son for me, texting me around 10 to say our son hadn't eating yet and blaming that on me, and telling me to go f* myself.  When I came home he slammed my phone out my phone and told me "next time you want to go just hang out make sure you feed your son"... .I left and slept over my cousins then came home to him calling me all these names.  I honestly feel like I'm done.  I can't take this anymore.
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grayarea

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« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2014, 02:04:01 PM »

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather and that your H couldn't be the support you really need during this time. I lost both of my parents in the last 18 mos... .surprisingly my BPDbf (not really my bf, but long story and it's easier to just give him that label) was quite supportive when they both passed away.  BUT I will say that support didn't last very long.  I'm still in the grieving process (my mom only passed 4 months ago) so I have my good days and my bad days, but it's all about HIM still.  Doesn't really matter that I lost BOTH of my parents - he thinks I use that as an excuse to be moody.  WHAT?  I understand how disappointing the lack of support can be especially when they should be the ones supporting us the most during these times!
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trappeddad
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« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2014, 06:11:34 PM »

        

Excerpt
telling me to go f* myself.this anymore.

i just don't understand this mental illness where people can act this way when a loved one/close friend dies.    i had 5 experiences where a family member/friend died, and all of them turned into fights.   my ex got upset when the attention was not turned to her.    my only advice is that if you are going to stay with this person, ensure you have an alternate support system.     don't put too much emphasis or pressure on this person, as they will not live up to your expectations.      in other words, trivialize their role in your life.    
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grayarea

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« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2014, 06:21:52 PM »

trappeddad - Exactly!  I knew I couldn't really count on him to be my support system so I didn't expect much.  My bf was there initially, but he can't really wrap his head around that grief is a PROCESS and it's going to take a long time.  It really irritates me, but he's incapable of empathizing so I have couple close friends for that kind of support.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2014, 09:52:22 AM »

       

Excerpt
telling me to go f* myself.this anymore.

i just don't understand this mental illness where people can act this way when a loved one/close friend dies.    i had 5 experiences where a family member/friend died, and all of them turned into fights.   my ex got upset when the attention was not turned to her.    my only advice is that if you are going to stay with this person, ensure you have an alternate support system.     don't put too much emphasis or pressure on this person, as they will not live up to your expectations.      in other words, trivialize their role in your life.    

Luckily I have my cousin, and thank god.  But then even that is a problem.  Right now he realizes how wrong he's been, but I also know that will only last so long before he feels like I'm not giving him enough attention while I seek support in other places.  It's like a catch 22.  We had a talk this morning about how he can't lose me, but he knows that he is losing me.  Honestly... .he's lost me and I'm fighting myself to keep things ok right now with this death in the family and us expecting our 2nd.  I don't know how to get back the love or trust with him again.
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ziniztar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
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« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2014, 11:39:50 AM »

Lilhurt, this does not sound good at all. I feel for you, it must be tough to keep things going.

My dBPDbf explained to me the other day he thinks I'm overreacting when I'm feeling lonely and crying. I probably am, from a healthy persons perspective, but for some reason he did not learn the empathy. It's not part of him. And it won't get there in any of our pwBPD's until they're getting treatment.

I think it also has to do with their constant need for someone stronger. He feels uncomfortable if I'm weak, incapable of soothing me.

It sounds like it's time for very strong boundaries on his verbal abuse. If he can't change that, imagine your 2nd kid growing up in such an environment... .

Good luck
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