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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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alex44103

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« on: July 25, 2014, 10:55:25 AM »

I think my ex had Borderline personality disorder but I'm not sure. Here's the story... .

I'm 20 years old now and the relationship lasted 4 years. We started going out when we were both 16 and she was great. Really affectionate, loving but very very clingy to me from the get go. When we got together she had no friends at all and over the years i slowly but surely introduced her to my friends and they all got on with her. We had a lot of problems after a while mainly because her. I told her that I needed time to myself and she hated it and over time she needed to see me every single day. I started seeing her every day and when were 17 she convinced me to get her pregnant. I was young and dumb at the time and she did fall pregnant only to miscarriage.

After the miscarriage she immediately wanted to try again but I had realised I was not ready for a baby and told her to wait until we were older and had a house and money to which she agreed. We had a loving relationship but with many arguments over her paranoia and her need to see me constantly. Now after 4 years together she suddenly dumps me for someone at work. I was completely shocked when she did this as she was still her loving clingy self and wanted to try again for a baby a month before she left me! She didn't tell me their was someone else just that she "didn't see the relationship going anywhere" and "I didn't try hard enough". My two friends who are girls have suddenly started going out with her and told me that she had only been talking to this guy from work for 2 weeks prior to breaking up with me and she went on a date behind my back the day before she dumped me. She also slept with him within 3 days of breaking up from me. I found this out and messaged her saying how could she do this to me and she just ignored me and now acts like I never existed at all and I'm the bad guy.

I'm extremely confused how a person can change so much in such a short amount of time. She needed me to be with her everyday and had serious abandonment issues. I was suspicious while with her she may have borderline personality disorder because of her fear of abandonment and her extremely clingy nature (also my sister who is a psychiatric nurse told me my girlfriend was showing signs of being unstable and possible BPD) but my ex always shrugged the idea off or got upset and angry at me over the possibility. I have recently found out too that she cheated on me multiple times which really confused me as she was always so against cheating and wanted to be completely monogamous with me for life according to her. She was also talking to my friends behind my back saying I was controlling and other nasty things. It's as if she was two different people and showed me the nice side and hid the nasty side. She also had a habit of kissing girls when she was drunk and for some reason I just let it slide because I was so in love with her. She made me feel like I was the king of the world and always complimented me :/

Could she have borderline personality disorder? Its almost as if she was using me for comfort and safety because as soon as I lost my job she started to according to her "lose feelings for me" She has always been extremely self conscious of her body too. Whether it was her weight or eczema she was unbelievably self conscious and even covered her body during sex after 4 years of being with me. Because of her low self esteem I would never have dreamed she would leave me any time soon.

I'm completely lost right now and people's opinions would really help to get my head around this.
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2014, 09:55:37 AM »

Hi alex44103,

I understand and I'm sorry to hear about the infidelity. That hurts  I would suggest reading Stop Walking On Eggshells by Randi Kreger as a primer and see if the book relates to what you experienced in your relationship. It opened my eyes to the confusing behaviors and experience that I went though in my marriage.

My ex is undiagnosed and she shows many traits from the DSM IV criteria. Only a professional can diagnose her. I see it as behaviors and traits that aren't positive and distorted. I have the right to put up boundaries to such poor behaviors - or become indifferent to her distorted belief system because I know my reality and it's not healthy to perpetuate conflict. If she was BPD she will cycle through emotional phases several times a day. A Bi-Polar cycles less rapidly  - they can take years to cycle from one phase to the next. BPD lack a stable identity . They live through a false self that is the borderline behaviors splitting, disproportionate anger, punishment and so forth The core dynamic is the core abandonment wound  and they have many defenses  to protect against this pain - pain that's from their past and not in the here and now - dysfunctional coping tools.

Your intentions are noble and you would like to help her but telling her that she's mentally ill is likely going to offend. She'll become defensive, her reality is very real to her as yours is to you. This is a part if her personality after all. If you were told you were possibly mentally ill would it offend you? It's difficult to accept that someone that you care dearly for and love is mentally ill - it really takes time to accept that. She has to be the one that wants to help herself. BPD's have different levels of self awareness and she may not have the self awareness or understanding her destructive behaviors - many are resilient to get help due to strong defenses. You can only change you. You cannot change someone else and it sounds like she's cold to the idea of being mentally ill.

You mentioned that you saw that she was clingy - her fear of abandonment. On the other opposite swing of that pendulum is the fear of engulfment the push behavior. An example from my experience with my ex would be the silent treatment  - push / pull behavior. It's difficult to navigate and emotionally exhausting being pushed one way and the other not knowing where you stand.

It's hurtful when you trust someone that you love and they are doing things around your back. She is  projecting her behaviors  - distorting facts and painting a picture that you were the bad person in the relationship.  The attack on your character gives her an excuse to leave and absolves her inappropriate actions. This is called a distortion campaign and is typical of BPD behavior when you are split black, it takes the attention off of her and puts it on you - the cycle begins anew with a replacement.

What triggered your doubts alex44103 that she may not be BPD? How does accepting she has dysfunctions and unhealthy coping tools and relinquishing a dx sound to you? A person that often changes reality is a signs of a mental illness.
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alex44103

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« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2014, 01:26:47 PM »

Thank you for the reply. I have doubts about her BPD because It was my first relationship and I thought the way she acted was at time very weird but eventually grew accustomed to it and started to think maybe I was the mentally ill one... .

It appeared that as soon as I got completely comfortable with her she started to change from very clingy to being cold towards me but never liking the idea of me not being there and leaving her. Even 2 months before she left me for someone else she would say things like "you don't want to break up do you" and "please don't leave me" followed by periods of crying. All this while she was talking to a mutual friend behind my back who I introduced her too as she had none when i met her saying she was thinking of breaking up with me! Also the day she went on the date with the other man she was texting me acting as if we would be together forever then left me the next day saying I never tried hard enough and didn't get to know her parents enough when she used to make them out to be unloving and cruel.
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« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2014, 02:01:15 PM »

It was my first relationship and I thought the way she acted was at time very weird but eventually grew accustomed to it and started to think maybe I was the mentally ill one... .

I understand what you are describing alex44103 and I'm sorry. I also felt like I was losing my mind with my ex's dysfunctional behaviors and I was ignoring her red flags - dissociating. My intuition took a back seat. I thought that I was the crazy one. It's called FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) and from your story she throws up a lot of FOG.


Also the day she went on the date with the other man she was texting me acting as if we would be together forever then left me the next day saying I never tried hard enough and didn't get to know her parents enough when she used to make them out to be unloving and cruel.

It hurts alex44103 and these r/s are difficult. I'm sorry. She found another attachment and Projected her negative behaviors and emotions on you to absolve her inappropriate actions.

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« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2014, 05:43:11 PM »

Hey Alex, glad to see you get another post started where you think it will do the most good.  In case anyone’s interested (and you don’t care to endlessly repeat yourself), here’s your into post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229836.0

I’ve gotten to know you some, so I hope others do as well.  I think you’re a fair amount younger than most on these boards so I hope some of the vets will share their thoughts.  Keep reading & posting Smiling (click to insert in post)

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