How Much Is My Fault?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

BPD wife wants to leave me.  Wants me out of her life.  Has said things so horrible and described me as somebody I hate.  She is so hurt by me and believes so much that I do not see as happening and misconstruing the fact that in an argument I said that I had given up things for her as me saying my life would be better without her.

I keep coming here and saying similiar things but I cannot get it through my head what is the truth...

I hate myself.  I hate what she says I am and what I have done.  I hate that she feels this way.  I hate that she says she is going to do all she can to destroy me as I have destroyed her in her mind.  I know she is hurt, but how can I even validate and support her if she says everything I say is bull___ and that I really do not care and that im just saying crap.  That i am just lying and faking when I am not

What about the kids?  I just want to die.  I really want to die.  I tell her that what she is saying is so extreme and to please stop with how bad and horrible the things, that I cannot take it.  I try walking away and that seemst o invalildate her, but the abuse... i want to kill myself rather than hear anymore.  I tell her that I cannot handle it, that I cannot take it.  She says im lying... my religion will not let me, but I do not know what I believe anymore.  If you had asked me 3 y ears ago about suicide I would say its selfish, but now I complete understand it.  Its relief.

She is miserable, and I am miserable, but she sees me as the enemy.  Past 20 minutes she has said im selfish, crazy, liar, dangerous, uncaring, unloving, she hates me, she wishes she had never met me, she plans on destroying me, she plans on taking kids from me, saying all sorts of untrue things, totally invalidating anything.  As I cry she gets more angry and verbal.  She says she will tell police im dangerous cause I slammed a door.  She says i do nothing...

I love her, usually i can take it, but sometimes the abuse gets too much and i will say something like, "you're evil".  I mean after 20 minutes of being berated... literally being woken up to be berated...   I have said that twice in my life and that is the worst of it.  She then says I killed our marriage with that and its all my fault and I have to live with that.

I work alot yes, but I cut it back to under 50 hours a week generally... never more than 53 hours.  She say she is always alone.  She cleans houses on occasion, but nothing regularly.  I dont know... We cannot afford BPD therapy and the rest of her meds at $1800 a month without me working this hard.  Am I wrong?

she says she wants to be angry again and therapy is taking that away.  that anger is better than the suffering of the depression.  that im changing her.  I do not want that.  I do not want her to do anything she doesnt want to besides just not be abusive to me... i dont think that is too much to ask

What has happened?  I do not know how to make it through this

[hurthusband]

BPD wife wants to leave me.  Wants me out of her life.  Has said things so horrible and described me as somebody I hate.  She is so hurt by me and believes so much that I do not see as happening and misconstruing the fact that in an argument I said that I had given up things for her as me saying my life would be better without her.

I keep coming here and saying similiar things but I cannot get it through my head what is the truth...

I hate myself.  I hate what she says I am and what I have done.  I hate that she feels this way.  I hate that she says she is going to do all she can to destroy me as I have destroyed her in her mind.  I know she is hurt, but how can I even validate and support her if she says everything I say is bull___ and that I really do not care and that im just saying crap.  That i am just lying and faking when I am not

What about the kids?  I just want to die.  I really want to die.  I tell her that what she is saying is so extreme and to please stop with how bad and horrible the things, that I cannot take it.  I try walking away and that seemst o invalildate her, but the abuse... i want to kill myself rather than hear anymore.  I tell her that I cannot handle it, that I cannot take it.  She says im lying... my religion will not let me, but I do not know what I believe anymore.  If you had asked me 3 y ears ago about suicide I would say its selfish, but now I complete understand it.  Its relief.

She is miserable, and I am miserable, but she sees me as the enemy.  Past 20 minutes she has said im selfish, crazy, liar, dangerous, uncaring, unloving, she hates me, she wishes she had never met me, she plans on destroying me, she plans on taking kids from me, saying all sorts of untrue things, totally invalidating anything.  As I cry she gets more angry and verbal.  She says she will tell police im dangerous cause I slammed a door.  She says i do nothing...

I love her, usually i can take it, but sometimes the abuse gets too much and i will say something like, "you're evil".  I mean after 20 minutes of being berated... literally being woken up to be berated...   I have said that twice in my life and that is the worst of it.  She then says I killed our marriage with that and its all my fault and I have to live with that.

I work alot yes, but I cut it back to under 50 hours a week generally... never more than 53 hours.  She say she is always alone.  She cleans houses on occasion, but nothing regularly.  I dont know... We cannot afford BPD therapy and the rest of her meds at $1800 a month without me working this hard.  Am I wrong?

she says she wants to be angry again and therapy is taking that away.  that anger is better than the suffering of the depression.  that im changing her.  I do not want that.  I do not want her to do anything she doesnt want to besides just not be abusive to me... i dont think that is too much to ask

What has happened?  I do not know how to make it through this

[mywifecrazy]

I feel for you HurtHusband. It sounds like a very stressful situation. The only thing you can control and make positive changes to is YOU. No matter what you do or what your decision is you need to focus on doing things that will make positive changes in your life. You can't focus on trying to control or fix her because you can't but you can put up boundaries and make positive changes in your own actions that will lead you to being healthy and at peace. You need to do this for YOU and your child.

I would start by seeing a T for YOUR issues not hers. Even if you stay in the marriage you can only work on your 50% the other 50% is up to her. I would also see a lawyer to protect yourself and your child's interests post divorce. She may be doing stuff behind the scenes already preparing a case against you. I would take her threats seriously! Don't be caught off guard.

Good luck Brother

Sincerely... .MWC

[hurthusband]

I feel for you HurtHusband. It sounds like a very stressful situation. The only thing you can control and make positive changes to is YOU. No matter what you do or what your decision is you need to focus on doing things that will make positive changes in your life. You can't focus on trying to control or fix her because you can't but you can put up boundaries and make positive changes in your own actions that will lead you to being healthy and at peace. You need to do this for YOU and your child.

I would start by seeing a T for YOUR issues not hers. Even if you stay in the marriage you can only work on your 50% the other 50% is up to her. I would also see a lawyer to protect yourself and your child's interests post divorce. She may be doing stuff behind the scenes already preparing a case against you. I would take her threats seriously! Don't be caught off guard.

Good luck Brother

Sincerely... .MWC

im screwed on kids cause they are not bilogically mine.  honestly, i wish if she wants this she would get a lawyer already and get the ball rolling.  I do not like this limbo of we together or not.  I want us together...

the problem is she is dangerous.  she will cut her nose to spite her face which means she will try and hurt anyone i care about to hurt me. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man,

Much of what you say resonates with me.  I was in some pretty low places when I was married to my uBPDw.  But you know what?  It isn't your fault.  You are just a man.  Not even God could fulfill all their wants.  You cannot fill a black hole.  I know it probably won't stick, but maybe it will start to if you hear it enough times: it's *not you*.  It's her.

That doesn't mean you are perfect.  But no one should have to be "perfect", and nobody can be, in a relationship.  A marriage that is like that is extremely destructive and selfish.  Of course you are this "awful" person to her... .she *needs* you to take that blame so that she doesn't have to.  But it doesn't belong to you.

You say you "have to live with that".  Live with what?  Live with her lies?  No, you don't.  You don't have to carry false blame, and that is what it is.  She's been using you as a pack mule to carry all of her shame, and you've been carrying it.  Time to stop.  I would call her "evil," too, because it sounds like that is how she is acting.  There is no shame in calling things as they are, and definitely no shame in *seeing* things how they are.   Listen to what you see, not what she says.  She will always try to undermine what you see by putting blame on you.  That is how she controls you.  

But it does get better.  If she wants to leave you, then (to me) that is a blessing in disguise.  No one should have to live under such oppressive, dominating abuse, and I can tell from the state you are in that this is what you've been living with.  I know it hurts, but you *will* see the light at the end of the tunnel.  You will walk out of this.  You will.  It may not seem like it, but you will.  I was just talking to a friend of mine who is a pastor.  He told me this some years back, about how there would be a day when I was on the other side of all of this pain.  I didn't believe him, at the time.  But now, I'm on the other side of it.  And I sat and enjoyed a beer with him and chatted about life, happily.

[hurthusband]

its limbo... because i do not think she will file for divorce, but she will emotionally use it to beat me. she will think about it and probably would, but she feels stuck with me because i enabled her behavior and her not to build a future.  i thought when i encouraged her to change from English major to Art major i was encouraging her to do what would make her happy cause she wanted to, but now she feels she cannot get a job so she is stuck with me cause she cant be financially independent...

i screwed up things for her so badly in that respect by enabling. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Well... .it's limbo until you decide to take your life back.  And that doesn't mean a divorce, necessarily.  It is an internal choice that starts to lead to a new path for you.  It is not easy.  It is extremely hard.  But it starts with a seed and grows.

I mean really... .why fault yourself for encouraging her to do something she loves?  Anybody who cares about someone would do that.  Now, of course she will probably use it against you, but that is because SHE is wrong, not you.  :)ifference.  

I know how it goes.  We become trained into thinking completely in terms of how everything will impact them.  How sad!  We are brainwashed into completely revolving around them.  But, my friend, there is nothing wrong with you realizing that she isn't God and not the center of the universe.  There's nothing wrong with you taking your life back.  You don't exist to fulfill her happiness (which would be impossible anyway!)

[Mutt]

I'm sorry hurthusband - you're in a difficult position at the moment.  I understand. There  is a lot of guilt attached to these types of relationships and we gradually get depressed, our self esteem is affected and we are emotionally exhausted from the unrelenting devaluation and denigrations.  Your intentions  as friendly and well intended as they are - are met with verbal abuse, disproportionate anger and vitriol from the person that we love. The pendulum from idealization to devaluation shortens and her rage cycles rapid quickly.

This is the machinations of BPD a serious mental disorder. Please don't be hard on yourself. She has difficulties seeing the great areas in life and in people and she will overvalue you or undervalue you - splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects her from her core wound. Trauma that she is reliving in the past in the here and now - a sort of transference,  reenactment of events from someone else through you.

Her projections and attaching her negative feelings and actions unto you is likely making you feel a lot of her guilt and these r/s are difficult and you begin to self-doubt. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Why is she acting this way when I'm trying to be peacemaker? Am I going crazy?

Many members have experienced this reflection on themselves - including myself and it is F.ear O.bligation G.uilt - FOG - emotional blackmail. She is triggered, a pwBPD will threaten when she's in a dissociate phase and rage. It's a flight ir fight response. I have 4 children - 3 with her and one she had from a previous r/s and it's hurtful when she involves threats regarding the kids. Your SO knows which buttons to press and she's pressing them right now I'm so sorry . I'll echo myeifecrazy and a marriage is a partnership 50/50 but your spouse is mentally ill and as much as she would like to be able to meet you in the middle - she can't always. She is projecting her feelings of guilt and shame with the marriage on you - understand that it cannot be all of your fault and she's  putting, that on you because of her dysfunctional coping tools.

BPD are emotionally arrested at the level of a young child and what you are witnessing with the disproportionate anger is abandoned child mode - an interpersonal rejection and you as the punitive parent. It's not about you it is about her. She is emotionally dysregulated when she's in a rage and there's not much that you can unfortunately. I will provide you with a link that will help you to frame your thoughts with the experience you and the children are going through.

There is hope hurt husband. I share a similar experiences with members here.

Are the kids present when she's dysregulated? Is there an issue with safety for you and the kids? Have you spoken to an MD about depression?

When you are with someone who is truly raging, the first level of concern needs to be your own personal safety and that of your children or other dependant folks, including pets,  around you.

When we are speaking of someone in a BPD rage, there is little you can do. The person is "dysregulated" and needs to calm down.

Will the person harm you or others? Get out or call 911

Are they threatening to harm themselves? Call 911

Are they throwing a tantrum? Leave. No need to provid an audience and often, these blow ups dissipate due to lack of interest.

You cannot regulate a person in this state... and it takes huge amounts of energy to try to do so... and it isnt going to work

So...

Safety first

Call 911 as needed

Leave the area

remember that only they can truly calm themselves, despite their pleadings otherwise.

Steph

BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage

[hurthusband]

Kids are not in danger.  She hasnt been physically abusive in a long time.  Mentally... very.  Its worse than physical honestly.

She is in DBT therapy but she hates it.  She wants to go back to hating everything than deal with depression.  She says its my fault for changing her

I was going to an MD for the past 15 years until this past month.  I just cant afford everything as the sole consistant income.  Its $1800 for her therapy and all alone a month.  Nevermind my meds, kids, insurance, etc.

I do not know how to get out of this without destroying her.  I do not have anger or hate that I can tell towards her.  I have passive agressiveness.  I have let her isolate me.  I am alone.  If we seperate she can get worse... she has nothing to lose at that point.  No job, no finances, no nothing.  she has threatened to go after people i care about.  Im a bit of a hostage.  It would be easier if i didnt like her or loved her less, but i dont.  I feel sorry for her.  Im really messed up

[Mutt]

I have passive agressiveness.  I have let her isolate me.  I am alone.

Do you mean that you are conflict avoidant? A protective mode to shield and protect from the trauma that you are going through - because you aren't sure what to do with her behaviors?  A passive-aggressive person has enjoyment with indirect anger for someone else.

I'm sorry about the financial difficulties, I understand.

I thought I was alone until I came to bpdfamily and found members from all walks of life that understood what I was going through - because they walked a mile in my shoes. We're not alone hurthusband.

I understand that you are worried about her and that you care, she is your spouse. What sorts of things do you do when things are difficult at home? When your spouse is in an emotionally dysregulated state - to take time away from her emotional dysregulation and reframe your thoughts. Taking a time out for everyone involved - she may feel like she's being abandoned but letting her know your going out to run an errand with SS11 and SS14 and will be back. A pwBPD cycles through emotional states rapidly and she may even dissociate (have amnesia) over the episode.

[hurthusband]

I have passive agressiveness.  I have let her isolate me.  I am alone.

Do you mean that you are conflict avoidant? A protective mode to shield and protect from the trauma that you are going through - because you aren't sure what to do with her behaviors?  A passive-aggressive person has enjoyment with indirect anger for someone else.

I'm sorry about the financial difficulties, I understand.

I thought I was alone until I came to bpdfamily and found members from all walks of life that understood what I was going through - because they walked a mile in my shoes. We're not alone hurthusband.

I understand that you are worried about her and that you care, she is your spouse. What sorts of things do you do when things are difficult at home? When your spouse is in an emotionally dysregulated state - to take time away from her emotional dysregulation and reframe your thoughts. Taking a time out for everyone involved - she may feel like she's being abandoned but letting her know your going out to run an errand and will be back. A pwBPD cycles through emotional states rapidly and she may even dissociate (have amnesia) over the episode.

i am very much so conflict avoidant.  When I say passive aggressive, i mean if i am going to do anything it is make a comment or something like that, but we are talking like not even weekly in an argument and those happen daily.

she gets dysregulated and pummels me even when i am not there... at work or anywhere else.  ill try and lock myself in another room or leave... doesnt help

[Mutt]

I've been in your shoes hurthusband with the daily rages and acting out. I would step into the house after work, accused of the way I look at her, the tone of my voice and anything in her distorted belief system triggered her in the devaluation phase. She is mentally ill. My heart goes out to you and the boys   This is really tough for all 3 of you.

I think terms are getting mixed up here and she is projecting her feelings of shame and guilt - negative attributes and actions and attaching it unto you. It's her defense mechanism protecting her core wound. Her feelings, actions and in this case rages and tantrums belong to her - she owns that but tries to offshoot it unto someone else and its directed at the people closest to her. Your the closest person to her and your SS' - but this isn't your passive aggressiveness and it's conflict avoidance. Your conflict avoidant by going into another room is shielding you from trauma because you're not quite sure how to handle her actions. There's nothing wrong with that, this is confusing behavior and everything that you do doesn't seem to work because of her dysfunctions. We don't need to pathologize everything but her trauma is not your fault. She is blaming you and throwing up FOG and you feel guilty for her inappropriate behaviors. Give yourself a break hurthusband.

Her fear of abandonment is triggered (real or perceived) that's why your getting this acting out I'm sorry and her distortions to others are likely triggering anger and frustration in you but her actions are her own - you control yours. If she's throwing a tantrum leave the house for awhile.

You don't need to subject yourself to that type of behavior and there's nothing you can do to reason with her or calm her down. This is a fight or flee response that she is going through. It will dissipate by disengaging - I suggest leaving the house when she in this state as difficult as it is with her push / pull behavior. I used to get frantic cell calls when was I going to come back minutes after I left. Depersonalize the behavior and don't feel sorry for her but leave for a mental break for you - this is emotionally exhausting and depressing?

How does that sound while you're taking inventory if you are going to leave or stay?

[beachtalks]

Since you are married, I believe you should do everything in your power to make your marriage work, even if that means you have to temporarily separate.  Sounds like you both still love each other, and that is GREAT!

Ask her what she wants and give her just that and tell her clearly what you want.  try a crystal clear approach.  Ask her her ideas on how you can both get your needs met.  It sounds like she is pretty in touch with herself. 

You both have to stretch yourselves right now, and both of you need to make compromises . She isn't completely insane, just partially, or you wouldn't have married her right?  I'm not saying she's right, I'm just suggesting you try bending more-so.  When she calls you names, simply cut her off.  Leave the house or ask her to leave--just not forever.  I can already tell she is super paranoid and assessing you wrongly.  You know she is wrong.  But something in her wants a deeper connection.  Help her find it.  That's what marriage is all about.

[OutOfEgypt]

beachtalks, unfortunately I have to disagree with a lot of what you said.  I applaud the spirit of your message, but in my opinion it doesn't take into account a realistic portrait of a pwBPD.  Telling the person married to a person with BPD to bend more to their "needs" and basically revolve more around their needs is probably the worst thing I can think of.  It would only reinforce and enable the one-way self-focus on their own perceived needs.  Part of what makes BPD so destructive is how the person demands those closest to them revolve completely around their perceived needs, and then controls and puts them down for never being able to fulfill those needs (which is never possible).  So, I think encouraging someone to reinforce and encourage that cycle is not good.  The only way to survive is to find an anchor in reality again and hold on to that anchor in reality for dearlife -whether we stay or leave.

[hurthusband]

beachtalks, unfortunately I have to disagree with a lot of what you said.  I applaud the spirit of your message, but in my opinion it doesn't take into account a realistic portrait of a pwBPD.  Telling the person married to a person with BPD to bend more to their "needs" and basically revolve more around their needs is probably the worst thing I can think of.  It would only reinforce and enable the one-way self-focus on their own perceived needs.  Part of what makes BPD so destructive is how the person demands those closest to them revolve completely around their perceived needs, and then controls and puts them down for never being able to fulfill those needs (which is never possible).  So, I think encouraging someone to reinforce and encourage that cycle is not good.  The only way to survive is to find an anchor in reality again and hold on to that anchor in reality for dearlife -whether we stay or leave.

Yes, I have to agree here.  I think a major reason why I am at the point I am not is because a couple of years ago instead of trying to balance us, I decided to try the tact of bending as far as possible for her.  Literally doing everything she thought would fix things.  The problem was I met all of her goals, but then things extended

Those changes have resulted in $40k in debt in 1.5 years time while 0 before, losing 15 lbs in the past 3 months (I already was fit and only 162 lbs at 5'11), instead of working out regularly 4 days a week, working out only on occasion, cutting off all my friends, cutting off my family, causing problems for my family, getting fired due to bending over to meet her needs at work when she called (got rehired back after talk with boss), spending literally an average of 1 hour a week on myself (that means TV or any hobbies), and pretty much have lost any identity.  Also means accepting physical abuse and mental abuse.  I have purchased for myself 1 item in past 1.5 year and a pair of shoes... btw I make 6 figures and am reduced to this because she spends everything

Meanwhile, she went to college, changed majors, got a dwi, wrecked a car, removed all flooring from our home, went to Europe then demanded me get her a ticket back within an hour one day cause she was pissed, damaged my vehicle in rage, kicked out windshields, and refuses to basically take any job now because she only wants to do something she woudl like at all times, and does not involve people, and pays $50 an hour starting out... and i just smiled and was supportive.

I realized that as I fed into and enabled that it became expected and ok to do anything.  The hard thing is that now I have to judge what is fair and what is not, but individually we are all biased

[Caredverymuch]

beachtalks, unfortunately I have to disagree with a lot of what you said.  I applaud the spirit of your message, but in my opinion it doesn't take into account a realistic portrait of a pwBPD.  Telling the person married to a person with BPD to bend more to their "needs" and basically revolve more around their needs is probably the worst thing I can think of.  It would only reinforce and enable the one-way self-focus on their own perceived needs.  Part of what makes BPD so destructive is how the person demands those closest to them revolve completely around their perceived needs, and then controls and puts them down for never being able to fulfill those needs (which is never possible).  So, I think encouraging someone to reinforce and encourage that cycle is not good.  The only way to survive is to find an anchor in reality again and hold on to that anchor in reality for dearlife -whether we stay or leave.

Yes, I have to agree here.  I think a major reason why I am at the point I am not is because a couple of years ago instead of trying to balance us, I decided to try the tact of bending as far as possible for her.  Literally doing everything she thought would fix things.  The problem was I met all of her goals, but then things extended

Those changes have resulted in $40k in debt in 1.5 years time while 0 before, losing 15 lbs in the past 3 months (I already was fit and only 162 lbs at 5'11), instead of working out regularly 4 days a week, working out only on occasion, cutting off all my friends, cutting off my family, causing problems for my family, getting fired due to bending over to meet her needs at work when she called (got rehired back after talk with boss), spending literally an average of 1 hour a week on myself (that means TV or any hobbies), and pretty much have lost any identity.  Also means accepting physical abuse and mental abuse.  I have purchased for myself 1 item in past 1.5 year and a pair of shoes... btw I make 6 figures and am reduced to this because she spends everything

Meanwhile, she went to college, changed majors, got a dwi, wrecked a car, removed all flooring from our home, went to Europe then demanded me get her a ticket back within an hour one day cause she was pissed, damaged my vehicle in rage, kicked out windshields, and refuses to basically take any job now because she only wants to do something she woudl like at all times, and does not involve people, and pays $50 an hour starting out... and i just smiled and was supportive.

I realized that as I fed into and enabled that it became expected and ok to do anything.  The hard thing is that now I have to judge what is fair and what is not, but individually we are all biased

hurt husband, no one can tell you what to do but can only offer advise based on experience.  Your situation is complicated and you surely are in distress. I was married to a very aggressive NPD for decades who did much the same. I did much of what you did and are doing. I never saw a way out. Ever.  I agree with the majority here.  I am out! I got out! My life is incredible now. It truly is a new life and I cant tell you how good it feels to not have to live that way.  Whatever you choose, you are among supporters here.  Sorry for what you are going through and sending support.

[hurthusband]

Thank you for your words.  I probably should have left long ago.  It is my fault on that regards.  At same time, I do have to give credit to her in that while the dysregulation does happen, it has gone from every day of misery to half the week being pleasant.  Now, the hard part is that I am just worn down and even if less frequent it is hard to handle things, but therapy is working for her...

I always say that it is not somebody's fault for having a mental illness or addiction, it is their fault if they do not seek help though.  She is seeking help and working on it so part of me feels I should stick it out a bit longer and give her a chance... maybe I am wrong...

[HopefulDad]

Re: How much is my fault... .

The thing that always helps me see through the FOG is accepting that at the heart of her rage against me is *some* kernel of truth, but only a kernel.  For example, I tend to work long hours at the expense of family time.  My BPDw will turn that into, "You always put work first.  Family is not a priority to you.  You love your job more than us."  In the past I'd really start questioning if she's really right and feel awful about myself.  Now my takeaway is that perhaps my family (and I) would benefit more by having me around more and cutting back on work hours, but the whole "family is not a priority" or "love your job more than us" is all just FOG-related.

Our last MC said it best when addressing my wife's rages:

"These rages are like alcoholism.  Yes, you both have issues that you need to work on to better your marriage, but the alcoholism looms over everything.  Until the drinking stops, the other issues are difficult to properly address."

So yes, you are not perfect and you have faults that need improvement.  But the BPD looms over everything; The drinking needs to stop.

[hurthusband]

I have cut back my work... was at 53 hours a week, but now around 46.  At same time, she does not have a steady income.  Her college loans are coming due now, and she always complaining how we do not have enough money and do not get to do stuff.

So if she will not get a job, and she wants all this stuff... .the only way is me to work.  So its a catch 22.

I feel sick at the moment.  I am tired... Very tired.  I cannot compartmentalize things well.

The guilt of being blamed and the marriage failing and us failing and her failing as a result of her thinking its me is worse than an affiar or worse than if it was just like even a cancer death.  Thats my issue... but i have no control over her.  Not that I would want that, but my only option is to leave... and that results in guilt too

[OutOfEgypt]

Those feelings of "guilt" subside in time.  Sometimes, quickly.  Took me only a few weeks of working with my T.  Now, I am sometimes sad about the good times and small memories, but I feel 1000X better than I ever did with her.

[refusetosuccumb]

I spent almost my entire marriage "fighting for him"  And it was mostly saving him from himself.

Drug use, alcohol abuse and eventually cheating on his end.  But I was supposed to "fight for him"  I did.  A lot.  It was exhausting and messed me up mentally.  The world revolves around him and if I didn't do what he expected (yet I was expected to read his mind about that - if he had to "tell me what he wanted" then I obviously didn't love him enough or know him well).

Typing this out makes me realize exactly how one sided my marriage was.  I had the love blinders on.  Now that they've been removed, I want to kick myself for enabling him for so long.

But I have to thank him for making me the strong individual I am today.  I'm now no one's doormat.  My spine is made of titanium.

[hurthusband]

those are empowering words there in past two posts...

[hurthusband]

Ok... how should i handle this situation?

My wife got a DUI back in early June.  My mother referred had an attorney get my wife out since I did not know any.  My wife does not get along with my mother and does not trust her so what I did was moment I got her out said this was the attorney my mother gave us to get her out and that it maybe best if we get one she wants.  The reason is if something did not go right i did not want it to be another "its your moms fault". 

After a couple of weeks the attorney was getting on my wife's nerves.  She did not trust him.  He is a bit older and without folders in front of him would forget her name if she called out of the blue.  She was worried that the first court date which was July 7 I believe, she had to be at based on the documents she was sent but the attorney said no.  She called the court and around June 25 asked to speak with my mother on the issue.  Turns out the attorney was correct and did not have to be there.  I then found out around July 9th that she had another court date for August 7th that she did need to be at.  My mother had said she would make sure and be any hearing for her, but did not know a date yet.  Turns out on July 4th my mother booked a flight to Europe on the 6th for a 4 day vacation.  My mother kept asking me when the date was, and when I finally gave it she was a bit upset because she was out of town then. 

When I told my wife though, she said she had texted and told me back on June 25th it was August 7th, and told my mother too.  I do not recall this though.  I seem to recall not finding out until the first court hearing when she had one on the 7th which was also after my mother booked her flight.  If that is the case, I cannot blame my mother, but what if I am misremembering?

My wife feels totally betrayed and thinks my mother is selfish and evil.  Do I say something to my mother?

In addition, my wife expressed to me concerns she has over attorney, and I can see why she would have some concern.  My mother even thinks we should switch attorneys, and I have found numbers of a couple, but my wife is not picking up the ball on it, and honestly im terrified to bring it up cause it always leads to a fight.

This all lead last night to me being told I myself am the problem in her life, she is annoyed by me, nobody cares about her... She says she cannot live with me if I keep working 6 days a week and if I keep working with my mother.  O yea, about 4 years ago my grandfather died and i started helping out with family business.  Slowly I have taken on more and more, but without it, I do not know how we will make ends meet since my wife only works part time cleaning houses and hates it, and between BPD therapy and meds... If I am not making 6 figures, we have no chance at making ends meet.  I have no clue what else I can do to enable us to make ends meet...

I do not like working 6 days a week and I have cut it back from 53 hours a week to about 47 hours a week on average.  I do not do anything with my mother outside of work and literally only see here about 15 minutes a day since we work in different areas of business.   I am 36 now and I have been working 6 days since I known her.  I do not like it but it should pay off and have a better shot at paying big bucks and allowing us to have more.  I say that cause she is constantly upset we do not have more.

What should i do?  tell mom off?  quit job?  stand firm?

[OutOfEgypt]

hurthusband,

Oh, how I don't envy your situation.  When I was married to my uBPDw, there was constantly conflict with my parents (and her family as well, as a matter of fact).  I was constantly put into a position where I was expected to take her side and villify my own parents.  Many times, I did!  My ex had a way of taking seemingly legitimate complaints and using them to "paint" my parents "black", as these utterly evil people.  Now, of course my parents are not perfect people.  They have quirks, they have expectations that differ (more traditional), and they have things that can be annoying, but they are nothing atypical and there was never a sinister motive to anything they did.

And as far as the job situation... .I had a great job the entire time I was married, and my wife (at the time) seemed supportive at times but really did nothing to help me do my job.  She complained we didn't have enough money, even though I made nearly twice what her friends made, and she spent it all on all of these things for the house or clothes or trips or whatever.  We never had any savings or anything, and I always felt the pressure to provide, but it was never enough.

As gently as I can say it, here are two FACTS when you are married to a BPD woman.  I'm sure there may be exceptions out there somewhere in the universe, but by and large these are facts.  Actually, as I'm writing this, I think it comes down to ONE fact:

-You will never do enough.

You will never do enough to cater to their needs, their wounded feelings, or their demand to have more... .more money, more time from you, more attention, more focus on their feelings.  And the more you try, the more you walk on eggshells, the crazier you feel, and the less they appreciate it.  I remember being put down because I "focus too much" on her, even though everything she did punished me for not focusing on her enough.

So, what I'm getting at is that you have to take the whole idea of trying to please your wife and throw it out the window.  You cannot live by that, because it is like trying to build on shifting sand.  What she wants one minute will completely contradict what she wants the next.  And you will go insane.  It is NOT your job to make her happy.  That is not what marriage is about.  You are not the sole custodian of her happiness, as much as she tries to make you it.  So, you have to come to your own conclusions about what you want to do, what you think is reasonable and fair, and you have to stick to it yourself and realize that she is going to find something wrong with it.  That's just the way it goes.  You stick to what you think is best, what you think is right, and you have to almost not care about the tantrums she throws.  Know what I'm saying?

I'm not saying you say, "I don't care."  I'm saying at the end of the day, after you've listened to her gripe about how evil your mom is or how you don't do enough for her, you need to NOT let that get to you.  You need to know, for yourself, that you did right and that you are doing your best.  Not easy, but that is where you need to be.  The more you let her set the expectations of what is normal, the more crazy you will feel.

I know you want to avoid fights at all cost, and while you can certainly learn to communicate things or detach yourself in ways that minimize conflict, you basically have to let that ship sail and let it go.  You can't live your life trying to avoid pissing her off.  That isn't living.  That's "walking on eggshells" -the very thing we're all here to stop doing.  That's more like slavery, and it's basically letting the person control the relationship who *thinks* that if they get their way all the time they will finally be happy, but in reality won't.

[hurthusband]

Thanks... need to constantly hear that or I feel like I am insane...

I now things are bad when I do not drink, I do not like alcohol, I just do not use it, but last night was so horrible, that I drank a bottle of wine myself.  Took the edge off for sure, and was able to relax.  Although I feel crappy today cause I did not sleep and my body just not used to alcohol, of course thats how alcoholics start.  Use alcohol to get away from problems... .

She responding to me at all today.  I partly expect her to have moved out when I get home.  Honestly, I cannot say thats a horrible thing.  It is better than me moving out.  I mean I feel I cannot go to my parents because it then looks like I am siding with them and thats the only family I have left in town and I have no friends anymore, cept ones she associates with and while they would let me crash at their place, I do not think they realize that my wife will view them as traitors and I would not do that to them

[OutOfEgypt]

I mean I feel I cannot go to my parents because it then looks like I am siding with them and thats the only family I have left in town and I have no friends anymore, cept ones she associates with and while they would let me crash at their place, I do not think they realize that my wife will view them as traitors and I would not do that to them

I know this only too well.  While she rarely overtly said, ":)on't hang out with them," her disdain for so many people over the years led me to constantly shy away from so many people and so many families.  I always felt like I had to choose between her and them, so naturally I chose my wife.  There were times when my parents actually left early from visiting us because things were so bad, and times where I went months not talking to them and somtimes a year or two not talking to her family.  As far as friends go, now that I am not with her any longer, I'm catching up and reconnecting with friends I haven't seen in a few years, and it feels good.  They have been secretly pulling for me the entire time.

And of course, when I got cozy with any of her friends, she would accuse me of "stealing" them.  In reality, they saw how she treated me and saw that I'm not really the monster she wanted to portray me as, so they eventually sided with me... .or did so silently because they lived under her FOG as well, being afraid to piss her off.  Not a good way to live, no sir.

Regardless of what you choose, you will live through it.  You WILL get through it, even though it may not feel like it at times.  This is the journey where you take your life back, regardless of the outcomes with her.  And that is the big, big deal you have to swallow with all of this: take your life back and let go of the outcomes with her, no matter what happens.  Hang on tight, but keep your eyes fixed on your goal.  Everything she does will pressure and tempt you to take your eyes off of that and run back to walking on eggshells and putting out her fires.  But that isn't your job.  It really isn't.  If anything, your job is to stand on your own two feet and, while loving her, reflect reality and truth to her.  Otherwise, we're basically helping them remain like grown children.

[mywifecrazy]

Quote from OOE:

It is NOT your job to make her happy.  That is not what marriage is about.

It's not our jobs to make anyone happy because we can't. We can only control our thoughts and actions to hopefully become Healy and happy people. Our goal is to find someone who is like minded. If that happens for me I will consider it a blessing and give thanks to God. If I don't find that person I will be single but still happy. I've learned my lesson and will accept nothing less.

Good words OOE!

MWC

[OutOfEgypt]

Thanks MWC .  But I understand the pressure.  We want to make the person we love happy.  And we want to know that they are happy.  How does the saying go?  "Happy wife, happy life," right?  But yeah, you really can't make another person happy.  You can add to their happiness, like icing on a cake, but someone is looking to have you fill some deep hole for them, you won't be able to no matter how hard you try.  So, the sooner we realize that and stop taking that position in the relationship, the better, I believe.  It's about a position, a dynamic.  But man, it is HARD to start turning that ship in a new direction.  VERY hard.

[Mutt]

 But yeah, you really can't make another person happy.  You can add to their happiness, like icing on a cake, but someone is looking to have you fill some deep hole for them, you won't be able to no matter how hard you try.  So, the sooner we realize that and stop taking that position in the relationship, the better, I believe.  It's about a position, a dynamic.

You find happiness in you and you can't find that happiness in someone else and vice versa. If you need to have someone else to make you happy - there's a problem.

“If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.”― Jean-Paul Sartre

I wasn't happy in my marriage and tried and tried and tried to make my wife happy to no avail. No amount of my love was enough. I agree it's not about having a position in the r/s or being put in a one down one up position it is a dynamic.

[Grey Kitty]

What should i do?  tell mom off?  quit job?  stand firm?

I'm not sure what you are going to "stand firm" on. (I'd recommend standing firm on a boundary of not sticking around for verbal/emotional abuse, but I think I've suggested that before)

Quit your job? No. If YOU like working for the family business, keep working there. It isn't your wife's choice. (If you don't like working there, I'd recommend finding another job first!)

Tell your mom off? It won't help anything. Maybe your wife told you and your mom, and you forgot. Maybe your wife can't accept that she did something wrong, and has to blame somebody else.

Either way, the only question is will you ask your mom to cancel/re-schedule the trip to be at the hearing or not?

I partly expect her to have moved out when I get home.  Honestly, I cannot say thats a horrible thing.  It is better than me moving out.  I mean I feel I cannot go to my parents because it then looks like I am siding with them and thats the only family I have left in town and I have no friends anymore, cept ones she associates with and while they would let me crash at their place, I do not think they realize that my wife will view them as traitors and I would not do that to them

 I don't know that her leaving is actually likely.

What can you do to carve a little time out of your life... .not for work... .not for your wife... .but for yourself? Start with an hour a week. Just to be alone or to spend re-building a friendship or relationship with your family?

[refusetosuccumb]

hurthusband, I'm so sorry she is making you feel very conflicted.  My ex did that a lot to me, too.

After years of dealing with similar crap that you are going through, I started focusing on the facts of the situation and not the feelings.  For ex, your wife got a DUI.  Her actions, not yours.  The whole ball of having to have an attorney was started because SHE chose to drink and drive and got caught.  In my humble opinion, she has no real leg to stand on in terms of demanding anything.  If she wants a new lawyer, she needs to do her own research.  Your mom was nice enough to help out and shouldn't be villanized for it.

Sounds like you like your job, you should stay with it if you like it.  You will never be able to fill the void in your wife's soul.  It's like a black hole, the more stuff (like time, money, compliments) you throw at it, the more she needs to fill it.  She will never be satisfied, this IS what BPD is all about.

Here's an example from my r/s with my ex that makes me feel for you.  My ex had his license.  Got too many speeding tickets (his fault) and got his license revoked (his fault).  Pleaded with me to help him out of the problem he created.  I was the only one working and refused to put one cent towards his screw up.  He wasn't allowed to drive.  But instead of him realizing that the reason I wouldn't give him the van was because HE screwed up, I became a controlling, evil wife that wanted to make him homebound and miserable (he had a bike, we have a lot of public transportation here, etc).  He tried for months to make me feel guilty for not letting him drive my van (in my name, needed it for my line of work).  One night he actually stole my keys and took it while I slept.  I woke up and he's gone and my van is gone.  When he finally got home a few hours later, he flipped out on ME because I was upset that he stole the van.  Oy vey.

The only thing you can do is reiterate, at least to yourself, that you ARE an amazing help to your wife.  She will never acknowledge that but WILL expect it.  This is a mental minefield for you to stay sane.

  I really, really feel bad for you.  Just remember, this is the consequence of your wife's own choices.  Don't let her make you feel obligated or bad.  You didn't do this.  She did.