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Author Topic: A realization after a (very) good week  (Read 526 times)
Cat21
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« on: July 26, 2014, 02:13:56 PM »

We are one week into our two week vacation, and things have been great! No dysregulations, pleasant time spent together, and for the first time in a while, no unforeseen arguments. Dare I say, I feel normal? My uBPDh and I are visiting his family, as we do every year, but for some reason, this never dawned on me until this trip: when my husband is at home (where he grew up, friends still live, etc.), he is at peace. He is "normal". This is great! Unfortunately, we live 2,000 miles from his home, so this peaceful time will come to an end next week. Today he said to me, "I'm already dreading going home. The thought of going back to work and being really busy makes me feel physically sick." I said, "Yes, I understand that. Fortunately, we have another week of vacation!"

Has anyone else had experiences like this? I know that this "white" period will end; I'm trying to take each day for what it is, and not spend my time preparing for a major attitude shift when we return home. But that's hard. I know that vacation IS vacation- an escape! It's just so nice seeing him having a great time and not constantly worrying, criticizing, and over analyzing every situation. Is there anything I can do (in my behavoir, etc.) to try and maintain this peaceful flow once vacation is over?
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bobcat2014
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2014, 05:25:45 PM »

Cat,

Yes. Last summer my uBPDw and I had a weeks vaction alone. She was perfect. I wouldnt change a thing about her during that week. All good things come to an end. Enjoy it. It is times like this that keeps us nons going.
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formflier
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« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2014, 07:13:00 PM »

  Is there anything I can do (in my behavoir, etc.) to try and maintain this peaceful flow once vacation is over?

the tools might help extend the time before the pattern repeats itself. 

However... .please think about the mindset behind the question... .you are not responsible for his moods and actions.  Sure you should help... do beneficial things... .but ultimately its up to him.

Glad you are having a great time... .enjoy it! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2014, 09:46:31 AM »

Wow, awesome!  Wish we could go two weeks with happiness Smiling (click to insert in post)  Your post reminded me of something interesting my fiance said a few weeks ago during a dysregulation.  Lately, when she is upset, she screams that she hates it here, hates me hates everything about life here, hates this house.   A few weeks ago as she was calming down, she made a comment about feeling like she wanted to just go home, but that no place feels like home, as she has no "home".  Her "home town" really wasn't a home town for her, and there are lots of bad memories there. 

This reminded me of my Alzheimer's grandmother, who always felt like she wasn't home and begged people to take her home, despite sitting in the house she had lived in for 40 years.  She had extreme anxiety over this.  This leads me to believe that our brains must do something to make us feel calm when we are in a familiar place.  That that part of my grandmother's brain had succumbed to the disease. 

I know in my own personal experience, I feel calmer around people I know and places I have been.  I've got a family that is familiar to me, a neighborhood that is mine, a neighborhood that is from my childhood.  I have a physical foundation for who I am.  But in thinking of my grandmother and my fiance, I wonder if much of the anxiety pwBPD feel is because that part of the brain that makes them feel "at home" just doesn't work very well.  Considering the number of countries she has lived in, the number of jobs she has had, the number of dating partners she has had, it just makes me wonder if she runs in an attempt to find "home".  To her, running is "home" because to her it feels more comfortable than staying in one place.

I mention this thought because maybe that's what your H has issues with - always on edge because nothing else feels like "home" except the town he is from.
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Cat21
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« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2014, 10:03:47 AM »

Yes, maxsterling, I think that's it exactly. He's always wanted to move back and really dislikes the city where we live now. Unfortunately for him, it's his job that keeps us there! I hope this next week is just as calming for him (and me!)
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maxsterling
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« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2014, 12:01:00 PM »

Be careful, Cat, if you ever think that moving back to his hometown will make him happier - I've noticed that my fiance has a "grass is always greener" attitude.  Thus, he may feel happier for awhile, but that will soon wear off because he never addressed the core issues.  I know that would be the case with my fiance.  We could move some place she feels more comfortable with, and I know that within a few months she will have the same issues. 
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Cat21
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« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2014, 10:45:16 AM »

Oh yes. He thinks the grass is always greener in most aspects of life. Although lately, in complaining about how his job is the worst, etc., he's begun to realize that other people have it worse. Imagine that.

No plans to move anytime soon!
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Hope26
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« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2014, 06:05:17 PM »

Hi Cat,

I too have had some of the best and most relaxing times with my uBPDh when on vacations.  This happens only with the relaxing type vacations, where there is zero stress and few if any decisions to make.  As opposed to the more adventurous type vacations, where you're on the move and making interactive decisions with others in a group.  It made me realize that he has very little tolerance for the normal everyday stress in life, and I guess that's one of the BPD traits.
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Cat21
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« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2014, 08:08:54 PM »

Aaaaannnddd the vacation is over in more ways than one. On the way to the airport this morning (ending our 2 weeks of GREAT times together!), he accused me of giving him incorrect directions (he just plain wasn't paying attention), giving him false directions to a gas station (it was on the map- apparently, I should have known that was incorrect), and then gave me the silent treatment until we boarded the plane an hour later. He was fine on the plane, and on the car ride home, but as soon as we sat down to dinner, the dysregulation began. In public (he usually doesn't do that). I wish I could say that I didn't engage at all, but that didn't happen. After 2 weeks of great behavior and NO issues, I guess I was just expressing my frustration that my "vacation" from his BPD traits is also over.

Sigh.
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formflier
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« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2014, 10:04:17 PM »

Aaaaannnddd the vacation is over in more ways than one. On the way to the airport this morning (ending our 2 weeks of GREAT times together!), he accused me of giving him incorrect directions (he just plain wasn't paying attention), giving him false directions to a gas station (it was on the map- apparently, I should have known that was incorrect), and then gave me the silent treatment until we boarded the plane an hour later. He was fine on the plane, and on the car ride home, but as soon as we sat down to dinner, the dysregulation began. In public (he usually doesn't do that). I wish I could say that I didn't engage at all, but that didn't happen. After 2 weeks of great behavior and NO issues, I guess I was just expressing my frustration that my "vacation" from his BPD traits is also over.

Sigh.

Can you put some detail to the public dysregulation? 

Glad you had a vacation... .!  Sorry it came to an abrupt end... hang in there!
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Cat21
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« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2014, 08:26:05 AM »

Yes, formflier. We were in a restaurant and had just ordered our food when he said he wanted to talk about something that had been brought up the night before. Long story short, anything that has to do with his sister is almost always a sensitive subject, and this was about her. Basically, I didn't agree with what he was sayin, which caused him to get louder, and I tried calmly asking him to lower his voice (which he did agree to do), but he became agitated and kept saying ":)o you agree, yes or no? Yes or no? Just answer the question? Yes or no!". This was right as the waiter was bringing our food. I said, as quietly and calmly as I could, "Please don't speak to me that way in public. If this continues, I will leave." And since we took my car, I knew I could!

He continued to bluster about the conversation through the rest of dinner and in the car ride home. I didn't lose my cool, but I definitely responded to the false statements he was making. Not great on my part, I know. He was over it about 20 mins later, so at least the length of this dysreg wasn't bad.

So, this was a bit out of character for my H because he's normally very concerned about public opinion. I'm chalking it up to a long flight/travel day and missing his family; he always says he feels crappy when we get back from visiting his hometown.
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formflier
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« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2014, 12:06:53 AM »

Yes, formflier. We were in a restaurant and had just ordered our food when he said he wanted to talk about something that had been brought up the night before. Long story short, anything that has to do with his sister is almost always a sensitive subject, and this was about her. Basically, I didn't agree with what he was sayin, which caused him to get louder, and I tried calmly asking him to lower his voice (which he did agree to do), but he became agitated and kept saying ":)o you agree, yes or no? Yes or no? Just answer the question? Yes or no!". This was right as the waiter was bringing our food. I said, as quietly and calmly as I could, "Please don't speak to me that way in public. If this continues, I will leave." And since we took my car, I knew I could!

He continued to bluster about the conversation through the rest of dinner and in the car ride home. I didn't lose my cool, but I definitely responded to the false statements he was making. Not great on my part, I know. He was over it about 20 mins later, so at least the length of this dysreg wasn't bad.

So, this was a bit out of character for my H because he's normally very concerned about public opinion. I'm chalking it up to a long flight/travel day and missing his family; he always says he feels crappy when we get back from visiting his hometown.

Hmmm... .well.  "Let's talk about this later when things have calmed down... ."

Might work... but ultimately... .we are trying to figured out how to deal with a demand for an answer. 

Might be a good idea to say you have to think about it for a while... .it's very important... .etc etc.

How do you think you could have handled it better? 

Full disclosure... .never exactly faced a demand for a yes or no answer.  So... .trying to figure out how to apply the theory here.

You don't want to invalidate... .you don't want to give in to unreasonable demands... .

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Cat21
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« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2014, 08:00:20 AM »

I'm often faced with the demand for a yes or no answer, and I haven't quite figured out how to handle it. Validation rarely works in those instances because he's looking for something immediate and nothing else will do. I'm working on that... .boundary? As for what I could have done differently; I definitely helped to perpetuate the situation by JADEing; I was tired, too! Smiling (click to insert in post)

What do you do when your pwBPD starts in on you in public?
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ziniztar
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« Reply #13 on: August 04, 2014, 09:42:32 AM »

What I usually say is: 'It's not important what I think. It's important what you think about this.' and then I ask him a question, helping him to find his own opinion. He is looking for the self-regulation of his emotions through you. If you don't answer but ask questions back, you slowly but gradually teach which questions they can ask themselves. You are not their filter, if you allow this all the time it will exhaust you.

For a good view on this process, check "Staying 101" on the staying board, it's a featured thread.


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survivalmode27
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« Reply #14 on: August 04, 2014, 11:14:40 AM »

We had a good week not too long ago and it made me happy. I enjoyed it all, but now we are back in the dark spot. I wish there was just a way that we could explain or show them that life could be this way, but we cannot.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #15 on: August 04, 2014, 12:41:50 PM »

Well, if there is one guarantee about living with a pwBPD, is that the next blow up is not an "if" but a "when".    And doubly rough when it happens in public.  I think you weathered things okay, though.  Hang in there.
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