Hi... checking in

[Chosen]

Hi family,

Some of you newer members may not know me because I haven't checked in for a long time.  Just thinking of you all today and thought I'd give you an update on myself.

Things have been great lately; uBPDh and I are not without ups and downs, but nowhere near the frequency & magnitude of the past.  Strong, abusive language and threatening actions are all but gone now.  I even have a little bit of space to act up/ forget to validate/ be a bit rude (not on purpose, of course) without having things completely blow up.  I can say I'm no longer walking on eggshells.

H is going through a bit of a tough time at work.  He's feeling insecure but he is less needy these days.  Still needs my validation, but doesn't sink into that downward spiral as much.  I still try to be aware of his needs and know when I need to just listen and validate- and sometimes I still fail, but at least I'm not living in fear of failing, because H may sometimes get disappointed that he doesn't have the validation he need, but he doesn't immediately attack back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, two years ago I didn't think this was possible.  I thought I would always need to live in fear and didn't know how I could continue.  Then I came here and it was steep learning curve.  I had to break out of my comfort zone, set boundaries to protect myself, and still things were moving slowly over the course of a year.  It took a full year before things were solidly looking up, and now we have a mostly "normal" marriage, something that was unimaginable to me before.

So hang in there if you're feeling a bit hopeless today.  Keep trying after you've given yourself a pat on the back (and a little break), and know that things do improve.  It's probably unfair why some relationship require so little work and ours require so much, but at the end of the day if there is any improvement at all, your efforts will be worth it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Hi family,

Some of you newer members may not know me because I haven't checked in for a long time.  Just thinking of you all today and thought I'd give you an update on myself.

Things have been great lately; uBPDh and I are not without ups and downs, but nowhere near the frequency & magnitude of the past.  Strong, abusive language and threatening actions are all but gone now.  I even have a little bit of space to act up/ forget to validate/ be a bit rude (not on purpose, of course) without having things completely blow up.  I can say I'm no longer walking on eggshells.

H is going through a bit of a tough time at work.  He's feeling insecure but he is less needy these days.  Still needs my validation, but doesn't sink into that downward spiral as much.  I still try to be aware of his needs and know when I need to just listen and validate- and sometimes I still fail, but at least I'm not living in fear of failing, because H may sometimes get disappointed that he doesn't have the validation he need, but he doesn't immediately attack back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, two years ago I didn't think this was possible.  I thought I would always need to live in fear and didn't know how I could continue.  Then I came here and it was steep learning curve.  I had to break out of my comfort zone, set boundaries to protect myself, and still things were moving slowly over the course of a year.  It took a full year before things were solidly looking up, and now we have a mostly "normal" marriage, something that was unimaginable to me before.

So hang in there if you're feeling a bit hopeless today.  Keep trying after you've given yourself a pat on the back (and a little break), and know that things do improve.  It's probably unfair why some relationship require so little work and ours require so much, but at the end of the day if there is any improvement at all, your efforts will be worth it.

   


Thanks for the great update.  Hoping to follow down your path! 

[waverider]

Good to hear from you Chosen  . You've come a long way since the days of locking yourself in the bathroom...

Things have been great lately; uBPDh and I are not without ups and downs, but nowhere near the frequency & magnitude of the past.  Strong, abusive language and threatening actions are all but gone now.  I even have a little bit of space to act up/ forget to validate/ be a bit rude (not on purpose, of course) without having things completely blow up.  I can say I'm no longer walking on eggshells.

This is the bit I got to when I felt like I was over the hump and you can take your feet off the gas pedal and take a few short cuts, and the sky doesn't fall around your ears like it used to. I guess H no longer feels intimidated and needs to put you in your place anymore by guilting you into the "bad wife" role.

[takingandsending]

Hello, Chosen.

I am so happy to hear that you are no longer walking on eggshells. And thanks so much for this encouragement.    I am in the throes of it right now, and just wondering how to look for improvement rather than live in fear. That you walked this path and have come out smiling means worlds to a lot of us.  Thank you from one still treading lightly.

[Grey Kitty]

  Chosen! I'm delighted to hear such good news from you! 

Things are (fairly) up for me as well. My wife's recovery from BPD seems to be surviving a serious test right now. She is facing grief (lost a loved one last fall), and came down with severe depression and anxiety. For a while there, she was less functional than her uBPD ever made her. Now she's on some medication, and made some huge progress... .and hit somewhat of a plateau on this--it feels like she is half-way to normal/healthy.

The amazing part is that she is owning her own feelings and limits--not trying to transfer it all into being my fault, or all the other old BPD-ish tricks. Truly amazing!

[waverider]

The amazing part is that she is owning her own feelings and limits--not trying to transfer it all into being my fault, or all the other old BPD-ish tricks. Truly amazing!

Once you can learn to reduce your part in uneccessary conflict it is amazing to see the defensiveness come down. If you can get to the state where you can openly discuss the real issues without blaming, that is validating for them, and helps your own acceptance levels tremendously

[ziniztar]

   that is wonderful to hear!

And thanks for your encouraging words, I hope to be able to do this some day. My bf is in good therapy so I got that going for me which is nice ( ), but it also sometimes paints a picture that everything is normal. Relapsing then turns into a very painful activity as I didn't see it coming.

Thanks again and I wish you all the best  

[123Phoebe]

Hi Chosen

I guess what I'm trying to say is, two years ago I didn't think this was possible.  I thought I would always need to live in fear and didn't know how I could continue.  Then I came here and it was steep learning curve.  I had to break out of my comfort zone, set boundaries to protect myself, and still things were moving slowly over the course of a year.  It took a full year before things were solidly looking up, and now we have a mostly "normal" marriage, something that was unimaginable to me before.

Excellent   Good things come to those who have the patience for perseverance. 

Yay!

[Love Is Not Enough]

It took a full year before things were solidly looking up, and now we have a mostly "normal" marriage, something that was unimaginable to me before.

So hang in there if you're feeling a bit hopeless today.  Keep trying after you've given yourself a pat on the back (and a little break), and know that things do improve.  It's probably unfair why some relationship require so little work and ours require so much, but at the end of the day if there is any improvement at all, your efforts will be worth it.

Thanks for the update!

Same here. I never believed my RS could ever function normally. It has been amazing to watch my gf transform into a more mentally stable person. I am glad I stuck it out.

I really like your closing comment. We all have to stop and appreciate our smallest achievements. They help us to make it through the tough days.

Keep up the good work! 

[ziniztar]

I think Rapt Reader calls them TLC's, Tiny Little Changes  .

[Love Is Not Enough]

I think Rapt Reader calls them TLC's, Tiny Little Changes  .

You are correct. Thank you for reminding me of that! 

[Chosen]

You've come a long way since the days of locking yourself in the bathroom...

Indeed, waverider.  No need to lock anything for a long time... .    It feels good to have that freedom and to enjoy being with somebody!

And you know what, TLCs accumulate into big changes... .but then again, change starts with us.  I'm glad I stuck with it even when it didn't seem to work, because the work I have put into my relationship paid off.  It was a really steep learning curve and I'm still learning every day (aren't we all), but I believe I have gone through the toughest of times already.