Need Advice... How not to take it personally

[wilsonian]

Ok I have been studying and learning and doing my best to put tools in play(which sometimes I mess up pretty bad)... My biggest thing is finding it hard not to take personally... I mean besides the regular put downs and raging at me for no reason and the world is ending attitude I get on the bad days but also the really hurtful things like catching her in lies and finding out she is talking and checking out exs on facebook and lies to my face or turns it on me like its my fault... If I didn't want to get hurt I shouldn't look(ran across it by accident)... .I guess I need some advice on one of the most important things in having a relationship with a BPD... .Dont take it personal... .Man that is hard... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I certainly feel for where you are coming from, because many people can tell you to "not take it personal", but that's really impossible to do.  When people do hurtful things, you get upset, and that is a natural and normal emotion.

Here's what helps me:  Think about what your limits are in your mind.  For me, infidelity would be a limit.  Dangerous physical abuse would be a limit.  And extreme verbal abuse would be a limit.  Then, you make up your mind that if those limits are reached, the relationship is no longer worth it.  BPD is NO excuse for tolerating that kind of behavior.  And you can set your limits to whatever you are comfortable with.

The reality as far as radical acceptance I think means accepting our partners have BPD and that means we will always be experiencing some level of hurtful behavior.  Even with the most rigorous therapy, we can't expect that o go away completely.  My feeling is the stuff is gonna hurt, even the small stuff.  My goal is to make myself strong enough and know who I am so that the small stuff doesn't boil me over.  I can find another outlet for it, through exercise, friendships, hobbies, etc. 

After a year and a half with her, I've heard her complaints before - that I don't communicate, that I lack relationship experience, that I'm a slob, that I am a messy eater.  And I know that none of those are true.  So, I let her rant, try and stay out of the argument, and lately she has been apologizing a few hours later.  Small stuff like this is getting easier to let roll off.  It's the times she really digs into the core that keep me in a fog for days.

[waverider]

It is very hard not to take things personal, but once you accept what is really behind all this you can let go of it quickly before it builds into resentment. We are not super human, triggers will still occur but we can do a lot to reduce the intensity and duration.

[Tibbles]

I really struggle with that one too. I tell myself "that's his stuff not mine". It still hurts but I try really hard not to own it. I also tell myself "I have enough of my own stuff, I can't carry his too". Good luck - as I said, I struggle with that one too.

[wilsonian]

thanks for all the advise... max I know what you mean... I have set those in my mind just get lost in the fog sometimes on the other stuff when it comes pouring out... .On a good note(I think)yesterday during our session with this faith based people she was in a rage because she though my facial expression was telling her she couldn't buy letters to spell apple in or kitchen we are re-doing so right during her rage was the session(carried over from store)... she went a direction that surprised me and was going on about how she IS BPD and I just gotta live with it... She hasn't openly said that forever when she left her last DPT... So I reckon in a way it was a good thing after saying that she went straight to its all her fault she is broken etc... .anyway she more or less wore herself out and fell asleep in the car against me and we had a wonderful evening... .leaves me dazed and confused as always ... thanks again to all

[an0ught]

Hi Tibbles,

I really struggle with that one too. I tell myself "that's his stuff not mine". It still hurts but I try really hard not to own it. I also tell myself "I have enough of my own stuff, I can't carry his too". Good luck - as I said, I struggle with that one too.

can you verbalize his stuff? Read up on validation. It helps to do this exercise not only in your head but to spell it out: "You are upset, car is broken and all things seem to go downhill.". Make is more real and evicts the pwBPD's problems more effectively from our head.

Boundaries also make it more real that we and our partner are different persons with different emotions. The more we have healthy and solid boundaries in place the more intuitive our mind sorts the problems into two different buckets.

It takes a while to get there but you are doing important first steps!

[ortac77]

I try to detach from the hurtful stuff. I am mean with money/cold/unemotional/uncaring etc, etc.

For a long time I believed it, thought what is wrong with me? Over the years I have learnt to revalidate, to share time with friends, get therapy myself and to see myself more realistically. Hell I am not perfect, but I am a decent guy and capable and kind.

When I am being berated by my partner - I go to a place in my mind that shows me what is real, above all I remember that this stuff comes from a sick mind and is more a reflection of my partners reality rather than mind. Its tough but the more I practise the easier it gets

Look in the mirror and remind yourself of who you are!

[Love Is Not Enough]

... .anyway she more or less wore herself out and fell asleep in the car against me and we had a wonderful evening... .leaves me dazed and confused as always ... thanks again to all

Exactly. It generally passes quickly. So just relax and tell yourself it will be ok and that you either are not at fault or that you are allowed to make mistakes as a human being. Just validate, SET, apologize if necessary and move on. Since we are now lucky enough to know what is going on it makes it a lot easier.

My SO had a major melt down last night, which was a first in quite some time. Gave herself heart palpitations and had to take a minute to herself. I was blamed, but it was really just a series of unfortunate events and I did my best not to take it personally. Although I do have to say that she only asked me questions in an accusing way about what had happened and didn't verbally attack or abuse me. So I see that as progress.

Same as what you experienced, she was fine in 30 minutes and we didn't even go to bed mad. Score one for me!