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Author Topic: What do you crave as a nonBPD?  (Read 1043 times)
Samuel S.
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« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2014, 10:38:55 PM »

After having had a great weekend without my BPDw except for minor talk in the mornings, I went on a hike on an island yesterday and saw a very good movie. So, all of that was very self-fulfilling; however, the person whom I would have loved to share all of this with, namely my BPDw, was self-absorbed in her own work. It would have been nice to have quality time with her. I offered it to her, but she said she needed more time to study. I guess her studying is more important than I am.   :'(
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #31 on: August 04, 2014, 06:32:23 AM »

After having had a great weekend without my BPDw except for minor talk in the mornings, I went on a hike on an island yesterday and saw a very good movie. So, all of that was very self-fulfilling; however, the person whom I would have loved to share all of this with, namely my BPDw, was self-absorbed in her own work. It would have been nice to have quality time with her. I offered it to her, but she said she needed more time to study. I guess her studying is more important than I am.   :'(

Samuel, I have to admit to feeling sad when I read some of your posts and that my feelings of sadness (for you), prompt me into wanting to make it better for you.  Even though it's not my place.  That's my own codependency in action, or is it empathy?  I'm not quite sure what to do other than to offer what has helped me, since this is a self-help forum. 

So much of how I feel about things is because I look at them a certain way.  People get into relationships for all kinds of reasons and I would bet that when 2 people come together it's for different reasons-- all couples.  We stay together for entirely different reasons.  We are separate people.  Individuals.  We each have our own must-haves to feel good, as well as things that are no-ways.  It's part of what makes us us.  Hopefully somewhere in the middle we find some common ground.

To say that her studying is more important than you are is a pretty loaded statement, which can cause all kinds of yucky feelings of not being important enough.  Studying is important to her.  Hiking and movies are important to you.  They are separate things. 

Accepting that studying is important to her, that it's a must-have for her, separate from you, might help to shed some of the feelings of not being important enough that your experiencing.  Studying is her gig.

I realize that we often suggest inviting our SO's to do things with us, so that they don't feel abandoned.  I don't agree with that in all instances.  Would I like for mine to enjoy going to a certain friend's annual barbeque?  Sure, that would be great!  Have I asked him in the past?  Yep.  Has he turned the offer down?  Yep.  Do I continue to ask him?  Nope.  He's not interested in attending and I have to respect that.  I don't have to like it, but I also don't have to feel bad or make him feel bad for not wanting to go, or for having to tell me for the umpteenth time that he's not interested.  I accept that he's not interested.  Does it mean that I'm not important enough to him?  Nope, not at all.  It simply means that he's not interested and would prefer to spend his time doing something other than that.  Carry on... .  While I enjoy my friend's barbeque.  It's okay. 

If I were to hold a lot of value in him wanting to attend the barbeque with me, while he flat out doesn't want to go, I'd probably feel really bad.  I would probably act from that feeling really bad place.  I might ask him again and again to go with me, hoping for a different answer, perpetuating the feeling bad icky's.  Shoot, I've lived it!

It's important to respect and accept their decisions, all the while making our choices rooted in our values.

This isn't easy.  It's a process.

 



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Sugarlily
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« Reply #32 on: August 04, 2014, 07:40:24 AM »

Samuel I feel sad for you that a lovely weekend seems to be spoiled by how you feel about not sharing that time together.

Try to just enjoy those things for yourself as they obviously give you a lift and make you feel good. I know it is really hard not to let all the negativity get to you, even when it isn't about you it still has the power to bring a good mood down. Therefore it is doubly important that you go out and enjoy the things you love. I too use walking to find peace walking in nature.

Are there other people you can share these things with instead? Sometimes I find I am so emeshed in my bf's world, his fallings out with others, his crisis of faith, his ill health, his regrets, his disappointments that I too start to feel down and negative which is not my nature. I have some very silly girl mates who make me laugh loads about the most stupid things, they can lift my mood in seconds. I also have a friend from church who will spend time with me doing some of the things I love without the negativity. It helps me to have positive people around to balance things out and stops me getting lost in a small world of negativity created by my bf.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #33 on: August 04, 2014, 09:54:59 AM »

123Phoebe and Sugarilly, thank you for your feedback to my recent posts.

Yes, each person deserves to pursue his or her goals, whether they are in a committed relationship or not. A counselor friend of mine called it being self-full. Each of us does that to one degree or another so that they themselves will feel happier. That is all very totally understandable and frankly needed. So, there's nothing there to disagree with.

On the other hand, while the above is important, if a relationship, be it a friendship, courtship, or marriage is important to make that step to say that someone on a personal level is important to you, then, that means something. That means putting effort into the relationship so that while you can have your own individual goals, there are couple goals of happiness together, love together, respect together, and consideration for one another.

It is finding that balance of achieving one's own goals and having a meaningful relationship. Otherwise, why even bother being in a relationship at all?

My BPDw told me a long time ago that she and her now D17 are the best thing that ever happened to me, that they love and respect me, that my first family never loved and respected me, that they used me. Then, over time, she eroded what she herself said. In fact, she had been highly verbally abusive for a long time. Now that she is finding what she wants in life to change professions, she is being neglectful, and she freely admits that she has gone from one extreme to another.

So, yes, I do enjoy my friends, my other relatives, my trips, my teaching, my tutoring, my workshops, and my writing. Yet, I have done these things out of not having what was promised by her. Even if everything were fine between us, my marriage is my top priority for them and for me.

Someone on this website and even a counselor said that she might be seeing someone else, that I should be on the lookout for that. Who knows? All I know is that she was so totally convincing beforehand that she was the right one and my other wife who passed away from cancer was not. Now, she is acting like my first wife.
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thereishope
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« Reply #34 on: August 04, 2014, 10:40:39 AM »

To be FREE AND AT PEACE... .out from underneath the "dark cloud"... .and from under almost constant disapproval... .to not have to answer to an unhealthy demand upon everything to do with my own existence... .
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #35 on: August 04, 2014, 12:17:57 PM »

What is the value of a relationship, if there is no relationship? Why even have one when being apart is the norm instead of the exception? The relationship is healthy, if there is interaction, even when there are TIMES of separation. It is unhealthy when there is minimal interaction. Sure, it is important to have individual interests, because we are individuals. To be continuously apart is unhealthy. I am not demanding or expecting at all. I respect her need to improve herself. She does not respect our relationship. So, can you be at peace and free in my situation? Trust me! The only way I am even remotely free and at peace is now when I am away due to not being free and at peace in my home. At least, I can interact with others.
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #36 on: August 04, 2014, 05:00:09 PM »

123Phoebe and Sugarilly, thank you for your feedback to my recent posts.

Yes, each person deserves to pursue his or her goals, whether they are in a committed relationship or not. A counselor friend of mine called it being self-full. Each of us does that to one degree or another so that they themselves will feel happier. That is all very totally understandable and frankly needed. So, there's nothing there to disagree with.

On the other hand, while the above is important, if a relationship, be it a friendship, courtship, or marriage is important to make that step to say that someone on a personal level is important to you, then, that means something. That means putting effort into the relationship so that while you can have your own individual goals, there are couple goals of happiness together, love together, respect together, and consideration for one another.

It is finding that balance of achieving one's own goals and having a meaningful relationship. Otherwise, why even bother being in a relationship at all?

My BPDw told me a long time ago that she and her now D17 are the best thing that ever happened to me, that they love and respect me, that my first family never loved and respected me, that they used me. Then, over time, she eroded what she herself said. In fact, she had been highly verbally abusive for a long time. Now that she is finding what she wants in life to change professions, she is being neglectful, and she freely admits that she has gone from one extreme to another.

So, yes, I do enjoy my friends, my other relatives, my trips, my teaching, my tutoring, my workshops, and my writing. Yet, I have done these things out of not having what was promised by her. Even if everything were fine between us, my marriage is my top priority for them and for me.

Someone on this website and even a counselor said that she might be seeing someone else, that I should be on the lookout for that. Who knows? All I know is that she was so totally convincing beforehand that she was the right one and my other wife who passed away from cancer was not. Now, she is acting like my first wife.

I agree wholeheartedly that a meaningful relationship is important, no doubt about it.  And that both have the other's best interest at heart for it to be meaningful.  I wouldn't be in the relationship if I couldn't feel his love.  BPD behaviors and all, I feel it.

I'm going to ask you a serious question, Samuel...

Can you feel your wife's love?
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #37 on: August 04, 2014, 05:27:41 PM »

Wow, 123Phoebe, that is a loaded question! I feel her love only sporadically, when she kisses me lightly in the morning and at night, when she sometimes hugs me when she needs understanding and validation, and when she prepares my meals. She told me some time ago that the only way she can express her love to me is by preparing meals for me. Sadly, I think that's about it. 
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #38 on: August 04, 2014, 06:02:39 PM »

Excerpt
Wow, 123Phoebe, that is a loaded question! I feel her love only sporadically, when she kisses me lightly in the morning and at night, when she sometimes hugs me when she needs understanding and validation, and when she prepares my meals. She told me some time ago that the only way she can express her love to me is by preparing meals for me. Sadly, I think that's about it.

Really good question, actually.

I want to chime in with 123Phoebe…that how we frame or ‘think’ about our situation can make it seem just unbearably yucky…or just part of an imperfect relationship…as all relationships are.

Excerpt
My BPDw told me a long time ago that she and her now D17 are the best thing that ever happened to me, that they love and respect me, that my first family never loved and respected me, that they used me. Then, over time, she eroded what she herself said. In fact, she had been highly verbally abusive for a long time. Now that she is finding what she wants in life to change professions, she is being neglectful, and she freely admits that she has gone from one extreme to another.

This is very interesting.  If I understand this correctly…you both felt your family of origin never loved or respected you and just used you.  This is some pretty heavy stuff.  And, in the earlier part of your r/s she implied an understanding of this and sort of gave a promise of being different…that she would always love and respect you unlike your family of origin.  But she has gone in an opposite direction…actually neglecting you…similar to your Family of Origin. 

One of the really big TRAPS we get into…is the fantasy that our partner(s) is going to be able to make-up for us the absence or losses we had in childhood.  They can’t…and so…it’s always going to sour…b/c they can’t do that for us.

If you felt used or neglected in childhood…if you have core wounds…as most human beings do…we often develop certain fantasy expectations about the perfect love that will eventually make it all better as adults.

That ends up begin a trap…b/c no one can really fix that for us.  As long as we have that expectation…we will forever be disappointed with others…esp. others who naively or for their own ‘core wound’ reasons believe that they can somehow fix that for us.  And the resentment builds. 

A really, really good book is How to Be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo.  I just listed to a talk by him…and he made the point that a partner can only reasonably be expected to meet up to 25% of our needs at anytime, when we expect more than that it causes problems…and he joked that when he came up with that number…he was feeling especially generous, it’s really probably less.  As children, we need a lot to grow. A lot.   If we didn’t get it as kids from a primary caretaker…we keep looking for it in our relationships.  But, we only get one childhood. And, as adults, we are designed to get our needs met by many many different people and through  many different channels…not just ‘the one’.  THE ONE is a fantasy.

Of course, balance has to be struck as you say…and maybe that balance is really not there at all in your r/s…I don’t know.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #39 on: August 04, 2014, 08:46:58 PM »

or…maybe it was your first family, eg. first marriage that was unsatisfactory and not your family of origin?   Not able to tell from your post which it is…

though I would still want to offer…our partner’s can’t make up for our past.

In any event…your post and the feedback you have gotten on this thread has been very insightful and interesting.


Thank you.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #40 on: August 04, 2014, 09:54:45 PM »

Indeed, my parents argued quite a bit, affecting me negatively at first, but I was able to get over that with counseling eventually. In fact, I became a teacher to help kids. As for my first marriage, yes, she was aloof and with her share of problems. I did see a counselor during that time and even sometimes with her.

In both of these situations, I realized that it was a question of them having the issues big time. I wasn't an angel, but I most certainly did not have the issues they had.

So, for my current marriage, I do not seek some ideal of a marriage, because it does not exist. My BPDw has significant issues (physical and emotional abuse by her mother and having lost her 7 1/2 year old daughter to a mosquito bite) which she is getting "therapy" from someone who is a "medium" who has significant issues similar to my BPDw.

I am realistic enough to know that I can't have our marriage my way, nor can she. It just is! I repeat, though, that I respect her need to pursue a second career, which she is doing with her studies. Yet, with this obsessively current focus and with so many other focuses within the last six years or so, she continues to make our marriage secondary. She makes it quite the opposite of what she professed it to be some ten years ago, which she freely admits. So, this marriage is in a state of imbalance.

I am adult enough to know that I am adult. BTW, in order to get out of being intimate with me completely, my BPDw said that she felt like a daughter to me. This was about five years ago. So, it sounds like she should be reading that book you recommend. Oh, wait a minute! She can't, because she is too busy! So, while she pursues her professional goals and while she gets really minimal "support" from that "medium", our marriage is abandoned almost entirely. BTW, we haven't gone out on a date or a dinner in years!

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Sugarlily
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« Reply #41 on: August 05, 2014, 04:53:45 AM »

Samuel it sounds like you are hurting a lot and really want to spend some time with your wife doing something which you both enjoy. Of course that is not unreasonable. However, you do need to look after yourself and as you did at the weekend make sure you don't miss out on the things you love.

My bf doesn't cause this kind of problem as he is usually good about going and doing things, it is the negativity when we are out that is at issue. However my dad is just like your wife and I have watched my mum cope with this for a long time. When they both retired she had dreams of holidays away, walks and days out - they materialized for less than a year and then only with excessive nagging. Once my dad is out he enjoys himself, but getting him away from his busy daily routine (he writes and researches historical football books and loves the TV) is hard work. For a few years mum was miserable suggesting ideas and watching him reject them for the most flimsy reasons or worse having him agree only to back out at the last minute. Now she just does her own thing and is much happier for it. She has a daily walk with her friend and her dogs and plans her own days out. Occasionally he will ask to come. It has been difficult for her to accept, more because she feels sorry that he misses out on things.

One of things that has worked for her is not inviting him to something specific, but instead asking when he has some free time, then planning to do something. So today for the first time ages they are off for a day out to some gardens. Could you do things differently and instead of inviting your wife to join you on something ask when she will be free or have more time, then plan something?
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thereishope
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« Reply #42 on: August 05, 2014, 08:18:01 AM »

I would love a relationship with my grown kids without the mental agony I endure from my wife

Double thinking before I say anything. My estranged family she hates. Serving God as my heart sees fit, not a religous nazi.

Ditto to both of these!
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thereishope
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« Reply #43 on: August 05, 2014, 08:20:21 AM »

Peace.  Order.  Wisdom. 

I am working on this by being mindful (paying attention to what is really going on here and watching out for myself and my sons), guarding my thoughts and immediately replacing negative ones with some kind of solution for the better, noticing whether things are in or out of order and doing something it about however I can,  reading some verses in Proverbs every day, and thinking like a CEO instead of like a slave to someone else's emotions. 

Love this! I need to have this mindset as well... .I am absolutely AMAZED at how much inner destruction just ONE COMMENT from a BPD significant other causes to the deepest part of my being... ."Thinking like a CEO instead of a slave to someone else's emotions" is a WONDERFUL IDEA! Thank you for sharing!
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thereishope
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« Reply #44 on: August 05, 2014, 08:26:45 AM »

Peace and sharing a positive out look on life. Life with SO is all about negativity and how the whole world is a bad place.

I was just thinking about this yesterday... .and feeling bad that I may simply want to be out from underneath THE NEGATIVITY... .AND TO BE LIVING IN A POSITIVE ATMOSPHERE... .simply put.  Am I horrible for wanting this, possibly at the expense of a marriage?
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thereishope
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« Reply #45 on: August 05, 2014, 08:33:17 AM »

... .I would work up the courage to put my hand on her arm and she would become very angry.  In fact, there was a time that she was still angry at me when I got home from work the next night over touching her.

I crave hearing from someone that cares about me and asking me how my day is going.

I crave sharing my burdens with someone.

I crave a break, I want to be carefree, if even for a weekend.  I am just on edge all of the time.

Lastly, I crave a relationship where I am more important than her cell phone.

Welcome to the message board... .thank you for sharing... .I'm sorry you are experiencing the pain that you are... .

Just wanted to say I can definitely relate... .especially with these particular points... .  my uBPDh spends most of his free time with his face in a mobster game on his phone... .and the constant having to be on edge is very very difficult... .my mind automatically pre-thinks the bad reaction that he is going to have in pretty much any/all situations... .not fun... .

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Samuel S.
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« Reply #46 on: August 05, 2014, 09:52:23 AM »

Accentuating the positive is very important, because there is so much to be grateful in this world! I am basically a positive person along with being realistic. When my BPDw is negative like her sister wanting to see her, my BPDw will make some sort of negative comment. I said to her that while I understand her need for alone time, I did say that it was very sweet and loving for her sister to reach out to her. My BPDw said a mild yeah, you're right. When it comes to me being overjoyed about something, she hardly even acknowledges it. I know I can't get feedback from her, but I am really happy about my accomplishments. I want to share. When she wants to share which is mostly negative things, I have to stop everything to give her my undivided attention. Yeah, it is not fair, but that is how she is. I give her my attention out of love, care, respect, and support. On the other hand, she does the same minimally, if at all.

Bottom line, I crave an equal relationship, but I don't see that happening. Hmm, I wonder if it will ever be that when I die, if she can say she really knows me. Probably and sadly not!
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« Reply #47 on: August 05, 2014, 11:18:09 AM »

I crave kindness, understanding, an unconditional love, and not to constantly be under pressure to "please" my husband.

I am a good person.  I do good things and usually put others before myself.  My husband is the only one who cannot see that.  I know he knows these things about me, but his sickness stops him from realizing that I am really just a good person and would be good to him if I could get it in return.  Instead I live my life under pressure to make him happy all the time even though he lives his life to abuse me all the time.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #48 on: August 05, 2014, 12:57:28 PM »

Lilhurt, my heart aches with you! Please, please do something kind for yourself each day! You are worth it!
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #49 on: August 06, 2014, 09:14:41 AM »

Last night, my wife revealed a lot of what is going on with her, and it makes sense. Having lost a 7 1/2 year old daughter to a mosquito bite just over 15 years ago is rough on anyone, and she has dealt with all kinds of traditional and non-traditional therapies ever since.

The 2nd reason for her lack of attention to us as a couple is that her D17 is going with her biological father and his family on a week vacation tomorrow for a week. This is all well and good; however, 1st, her biological father and his new wife got married on my BPDw's birthday 6 years ago. My BPDw never got over that and even complained to him about that, but he said that was the only date available to get married in the church they wanted to get married in.

Another consequence is that her D17 will not be here to celebrate with my BPDw. So, that's a bummer.

The last, big "thump", if you will, is that her D17 is going off to college about an hour away from here in October.

I listened. I validated. I said that maybe, if she would be interested, that she and I could go out to dinner on her birthday, but she is not in the mood for it. I know, that if her D17 were here, that would have been considered.

So, I understand my BPDw's actions for this time. While all of the above makes sense, this is just another reason and justification as to why she acts the way she does. Whether it is all of the above, studies, focusing on everything and everyone else except for us, it all turns out to be the same. She will remain by herself and not focus on the reason that she and I are together presumably.

I have not and will not force or demand that she puts more attention onto our relationship, and I do put my attention on her when she wants my attention, but that's the point. The loss of her 1st daughter, not having her 2nd daughter around are both losses. Frankly, I am realistic to know that I will die 1st, and she will have another reason to act and to react the way she does. What she does not realize is that she is losing another relationship right now: us!

In the meantime, I focus on everything and everyone, but always putting her 1st, when and if she wants me.
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« Reply #50 on: August 06, 2014, 07:48:46 PM »

What do I crave?

I crave someone that will take care of me the way my mother did. To serve me a nice meal when I walk in the house. To show that she is so happy I came in.

I crave someone that I can have a good conversation with. Or at least someone that shows interest in my ideas and thoughts. Or at least someone that respects me for them.

I crave love, warm, someone that will smile when I walk in and kiss when I walk out.

Since all of this doesn't seem to come through so fast... .so I crave a quite day, with no fights and peace and calmness.

Will I get even that? Depends on the wave of today.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #51 on: August 07, 2014, 12:04:23 AM »

Joshbjoshb, yeah, that would be ideal in an ideal world!

Today, I really had a bad start. I flubbed. I made a mistake. I was quiet as I could be. I made my own breakfast nice and quietly, because my BPDw was going to work late. Yeah, I should have just stayed in my own room, but I thought I would be quiet enough. Apparently, I wasn't.

So, after breakfast, I left, worked out, and did some errands.

When I returned, she was up and started getting on my case about how she could hear every single movement I made, that I woke her up, and that she felt really grumpy.

Under the circumstances, I validated what she said, and I apologized, because I was wrong. Then, she continued saying how wrong I was, that I should have had "common courtesy" to let her sleep. I knew I could have really started a big argument, because she has not shown by her example to exhibit "common courtesy" with me over the years literally! So, I just let her talk it out.

Once she was done, I left the room, got ready, and left to do tutoring all day.

Now, she is back from work like nothing ever happened.

Frankly, I felt like crap until I got into the mode of tutoring. If I hadn't done tutoring today, I would have been a mental case, because I felt like crap for not pleasing her and for being wrong. Of course, she didn't help matters, but of course, she will make a mountain out of a mole hill, even if I profusely apologize. That is why I am very careful in what I say and in what I do. She is an angry person, and I feel I am always on guard!
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Ceruleanblue
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #52 on: August 07, 2014, 01:59:42 AM »

Samuel S:

I think you are trying too hard. I think I've been trying too hard. I've learned a lot of good things on here, but I think it's possible to overdo some things. My Mom has told me I'm trying too hard, and that my uBPDh doesn't appreciate it, and it gets me nowhere. She is right. My Mom is 79 years old, and has been married to my Dad for almost 60 years. I give her advice a lot of merit. She wants our marriage to work out, but even she is seeing the hopelessness of all my effort, and the fact that uBPDh isn't seeking help. His psychologist referred him to a psychiatrist, but he's putting it off. He also went off the antipsychotic medication that his family doctor put him on. His doctor flat out told him that he is dealing with a "mental health issue". His rages are scary.

I have noticed that when I stop trying so hard, it does usually enact a change in uBPDh. He usually starts being a little nicer, or saying he'll do better(which of course doesn't happen). But at least, I've stopped killing myself trying, at least temporarily. The problem is that I keep falling back into that pattern, because I just really want us to work out. And I feel a great deal of compassion for him. He must be just miserable to be as angry and mean as he is. He calls me negative, but I'm really not, I'm just honest and realistic. He however, is very negative about ME, and our marriage. It's constant, and it's wearing. He has a skewed perspective about so many things, it's like he is living it a strange alter type world where he sees things the way he wants them to be. Which seems to be a world where he and his kids are perfect, and do no wrong, and I'm the big, bad meanie, out to destroy the world. It's sort of funny when I think of it like that.

Oh, and by the way, I'm a huge movie buff too. I don't know how I missed seeing that one movie you mentioned, and I certainly hope you were referring to the version of "Scrooge" that had Bill Murray. Someday I'm going to grow up and become that fairy who kicks people in the nuts. 
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Panda39
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #53 on: August 07, 2014, 08:04:53 AM »

You know you guys are sort of writing the blue print of a healthy relationship when you put together the things you all crave.   
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
thereishope
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« Reply #54 on: August 07, 2014, 08:20:05 AM »

You know you guys are sort of writing the blue print of a healthy relationship when you put together the things you all crave.   

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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workinprogress
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« Reply #55 on: August 08, 2014, 01:25:12 PM »

Joshbjoshb, yeah, that would be ideal in an ideal world!

Today, I really had a bad start. I flubbed. I made a mistake. I was quiet as I could be. I made my own breakfast nice and quietly, because my BPDw was going to work late. Yeah, I should have just stayed in my own room, but I thought I would be quiet enough. Apparently, I wasn't.

So, after breakfast, I left, worked out, and did some errands.

When I returned, she was up and started getting on my case about how she could hear every single movement I made, that I woke her up, and that she felt really grumpy.

Under the circumstances, I validated what she said, and I apologized, because I was wrong. Then, she continued saying how wrong I was, that I should have had "common courtesy" to let her sleep. I knew I could have really started a big argument, because she has not shown by her example to exhibit "common courtesy" with me over the years literally! So, I just let her talk it out.

Once she was done, I left the room, got ready, and left to do tutoring all day.

Now, she is back from work like nothing ever happened.

Frankly, I felt like crap until I got into the mode of tutoring. If I hadn't done tutoring today, I would have been a mental case, because I felt like crap for not pleasing her and for being wrong. Of course, she didn't help matters, but of course, she will make a mountain out of a mole hill, even if I profusely apologize. That is why I am very careful in what I say and in what I do. She is an angry person, and I feel I am always on guard!

SS, you summed up my life.  She could wake me up in the middle of the night because she heard a noise for years on end.  Of course I was working two jobs and sleep deprived as it was. 

If I made any noises while I was up and she was sleeping she would get so angry.  If I touched her arm in bed and she woke up she would be mad at me the entire next day.

I can feel the tension in my gut because I am so cautious not to upset the applecart by making the slightest mistake.

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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #56 on: August 11, 2014, 12:52:12 PM »

Staff only


This thread has reached its page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread.
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