Extreme ways of adapting - do we all share this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi ziniztar,

you probably meant validating the valid (and ignoring the rest if it does not matter) which you did. We often deal in real life with a mixture of valid and invalid that is partly open to interpretation and the point of view we take. This gives us a lot of leeway how to respond. We can choose to respond to the invalid part and it is worth being aware that invalidation is a strong signal that turns our attention to it. We can also choose to respond to the valid part.

If he was gone for 20 days and perceived only two days as good (having possibly higher standards than you) then it is what it is. Not a great month. No point denying it. Which you did not and it was highly appreciated

He may be factually inaccurate but on the sentiment that you both did not have many excellent days and would like more great days you can agree. Admitting that things are not the best is a good basis for improvements.

[an0ught]

Hi ziniztar,

you probably meant validating the valid (and ignoring the rest if it does not matter) which you did. We often deal in real life with a mixture of valid and invalid that is partly open to interpretation and the point of view we take. This gives us a lot of leeway how to respond. We can choose to respond to the invalid part and it is worth being aware that invalidation is a strong signal that turns our attention to it. We can also choose to respond to the valid part.

If he was gone for 20 days and perceived only two days as good (having possibly higher standards than you) then it is what it is. Not a great month. No point denying it. Which you did not and it was highly appreciated

He may be factually inaccurate but on the sentiment that you both did not have many excellent days and would like more great days you can agree. Admitting that things are not the best is a good basis for improvements.

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[DreamFlyer99]

So glad to have run across this topic--now I can put my Extreme Adaptor certificate up on the wall next to Extreme Enabler and Co-dependent.

Great discussion! And more food for thought.

[vortex of confusion]

I have adapted in all sorts of extreme ways. I look back on some of the things that I have done and wonder, "Who the heck is that person? That certainly couldn't be me. I would never do those things in a million years." But, it was me and I did those things and I struggle with feelings of self loathing as a result.

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh good ol' self-loathing... .been there, probably have a certificate for THAT I could put up on the wall with the others!

Vortex, so much of what happens to us in a relationship with a loved one with BPD ends up being traumatizing for us. I'm working too toward forgiving myself for not being true to who I am, for "not knowing." These relationships can make us "the frog in the kettle" where as the water is slowly turned up the frog just as slowly adapts, and before you know it, frog legs for dinner!

We are gaining knowledge here in the safety of the community, and we won't allow ourselves to be boiled slowly again, right? So as we move forward we will slowly forgive ourselves because of our new understanding. 

[ziniztar]

So glad to have run across this topic--now I can put my Extreme Adaptor certificate up on the wall next to Extreme Enabler and Co-dependent.

Great discussion! And more food for thought.

You have quite the number of certificates up there don't you  

And the frog in the kettle, such a good example. I think the frog should forgive itself for staying as there is not immediate threat right? So I agree with you Dreamflyer that we should work towards forgiving ourselves that we got into the situation. It's a good thing to learn to be kind to yourself. Whenever I hear myself talking badly to myself, I'd like to think of "what type of advice would I give to my best friends in this situation?" and then start talking in that way.

The adapting is something we do because we fear something, feel obligated or will feel guilt when we don't. It is important to examine what is exactly driving you to be able to change this. I fear distance, fear being alone or having to deal with things alone if I don't. The stupid thing is that I can perfectly be single and still feel okay doing lots of stuff on my own. I'm trying to incorporate those two people now - the happy single version and the relationship version. Hard work, but getting there.  

[DreamFlyer99]

So great that you're headed that way, Ziniztar!

And yes, I am very Learn-ed in all the things that do not help one get along in life. 

You're right--the frog should definitely forgive itself. The frog thought it was simply having a nice spa day.

For quite a while I thought "what do I have to forgive mySELF for? I'm the injured party!" And then I started realizing all the things I was judging myself for not knowing/seeing/changing etc. And calling myself names, something I hated when my h did it.

Enlightening.

I wonder sometimes if what hangs us up on "who am I" of like you say, the happy single person or the relationship person is that we don't mind whichever one WE got to choose. Someone you're in r/s with choosing for you to be "single"? Not so fun.