Elderly mum with BPD, dementia & hypochondria. Anyone relate? Or can help?

[JulesC]

Hi  

It's been ages since I've posted but I still hang out on the Boards, reading and taking in people's stories, gleaning more understanding about the crazy BPD world & how to navigate it, and it's always a great reminder that I'm not alone.

I'm aged early 50's and daughter of uBPD mum, now 88, and en dad 82 (with ample narcissistic qualities). Have worked with brilliant therapist for over a decade, unravelled loads of the family madness and i'm well on my path to recovery from the impact of being raised in an abusive and crazy home.

Live in a different part of country to my parents so contact is limited and after years of searching to be seen by them, feel met, get approval etc. I have recovered enough not to look for that anymore.

OK... .so, here's what I want to share. Bpd mum has been increasingly ill for last 3 yrs. Eating less and less, lost 20kg, had every medical test under sun but Dr's never find anything wrong with her. Was rushed into hospital 3 months ago & looked like she'd die. Incredibly thin, seemed v ill. I went & sat with her in hospital. She was asleep most of the time, but in her waking moments she held my hand & told me for the first time in my life that I was the best daughter in the world, that she was so lucky to have me, loved me etc. It was strangely healing & brought up lots of grief - being valued after all these years of being hated, despised and so on. (You get the picture!). Anyway, after more tests & her telling the hospital that she has cancer and ALL her relatives have died of bowel cancer (really!) they can't find a single thing wrong with her & in fact all her organ functions are remarkable for her age. She gets a confirmed diagnosis of moderate to severe dementia and is discharged. Within days she's eating. Massive meals, huge family-sized desserts from the supermarket, has the appetite of a horse & is back to her usual cruel remarks and hatred.

I find myself reeling. I truly thought she was dying, was moved by her declaration of care for me & then whammo, she's fine & back to witch mother. I was left enraged . OK, so great to access another layer of rage, and this has been a hard emotion for me to even know I'm experiencing, so that was positive in terms of my recovery.

Have done lots of reflecting on the "oddness" of her illness & then it occurs to me - she first stopped eating 3 yrs ago when my dad was in hospital with major heart problems and it looked like he might die. She didn't visit him, stayed home "ill" so mine and my bro's attention had to be on her too, and then her eating never went back to normal afterwards. Tiny meals, if any, for 3 yrs and my Dad (with v weak heart) has had to look after her. Seems it was totally connected to him - the attention all going to him, abandonment triggered because he might die? And I think she totally decided she had cancer and actually managed to fake all the symptoms. She was actually fake retching into a bucket for months before being in hospital.

Now it's like the whole not eating, terribly ill thing never happened and she can't use those symptoms for attention any more so she's got a new set. Her hip's "gone" and she's decided she can't walk. She definitely seems to have dementia, short term memory span is less than 5 mins (more like 3), or is this just BPD in old age? If it is dementia, how come she remembers to limp?

Have just seen them for a brief visit & my Dad is totally sucked in, hates her but can't stop himself helping her & is incredibly passive aggressive towards me when I ignore the limping and give her no sympathy whatever. It's all such a mad farce.

My daughter, aged 10, said today that she feels anxious when they are here & she wants to hit them because they make her feel angry. Spot on!

Can anyone else relate? And does anyone have experience of BPD and dementia? Or this level of hypochondria? I find myself wishing they would hurry up and die. I don't blame myself for thinking that way anymore, it's simply how I feel a lot of the time.

Please write if you relate x

[sophiegirl]

Hi JulesC,

yes I can totally relate. mine is 89 and I'm an only child. Our circumstances are a bit different but our mothers sound very similar. I am astounded how mine can teeter feebly on deaths door in the hospital only to rise up in force (and eat very well) only a week or so later. I actually think her illnesses are real in her head, and its her worry that makes her genuinely feel unwell. I'm sure she enjoys being in hospital and the attention of nurses and odd visitors who give her a ready audience for all her illnesses. Yes, Mother is also a hypochondriac and I would have to say she has 'selective dementia'  she can remember all sorts of things very well but some things pop out of her head instantly.

we've been through her cancer drama that came to nothing - she paid to visit a specialist. Now were on kidney problem, she is convinced that's her current problem.

[JulesC]

Hi sophie girl

thanks so much for sharing your situation. fascinating to hear that your mother does something similar. Yes, it does seem to be real in their heads although I have seen my mother moving about perfectly well (when her hips "gone" when she thinks no one's around!

how do you deal with it? and how does it leave you feeling when she's teetered on death's door & then recovers? and when you find yourself on the next problem, like kidneys this time?

did your mum have "illnesses" through your childhood?

i feel for you being an only child. do you have much contact with your mother? and is your father alive?

at least i have a brother who helps out sometimes. he's the golden child, rocks up v occasionally and is the hero. i give more support and am the only one in the family who knows she has BPD and understands what's really going on. therapist and close friends help me with the craziness of it all.

[sophiegirl]

Hi JulesC,

Yes it can be very reassuring to find someone in a similar position. I thought I must be the only one with such a mother so kept so many things to myself, protecting her and keeping secrets. Finding others here who have had similar experiences has been a huge eye-opener and helped me understand that her problems are hers not mine. Can you tell me more about the therapy you have?

Anyway I'll try and answer each point:

On the teetering at deaths door: Well part of me thinks 'at last, it will be over' and I wonder whether I'll feel happy or sad, have a break-down or feel immense relief... I feel nothing when she announces her next ailment. I seem to be able to distinguish the real ones from the fake and get her to hospital.

I blanked a lot of her out during childhood, but I do remember a mock heart attack drama when I was probably 15. I was going through an intense hatred of her at the time and I just looked at her and walked away without saying anything.

As for contact she has lived next door to us for the last 5 years, no father on the scene. its a bit of a story why and not of my making and an essay in itself!

Hope you don't mind - I've just read your profile - I see your ex husband is BPD. I wonder how common that is? I have often said I married my mother, as my husband seems to have so many similar traits to her.

[JulesC]

Hi again 

I so agree about the reassurance. It's been soothing to me to hear about the similarities with your mum. I can relate to you wondering how it'll be when she dies, and that first thought of "at last, it'll be over". I too imagine I'll be more relieved than sad but I guess we won't know until it happens.

Your mum sounds like she's put you through the wringer with mock illness & associated drama. Mine had "migraines" much of my childhood, especially when we were going on holiday or something nice was happening but nothing as dramatic as a heart attack. I feel for you, that must have been awful, especially in the midst of hating her (which is such a natural response to this kind of mother).

Yes, my exh is BPD. I walked straight into the relationship, ignoring red flags along the way, and it all felt so "right". With the benefit of hindsight it's obvious that it all felt familiar and right because I was stepping into the same energetic patterning as my family. I didn't know about BPD at the time. It was only when I was trying to separate and get divorced that I realised. my exh became extremely hostile, terrorising me, stalking me, threatening me with all sorts. And with my therapists help I realised I was terrified. I had been so numb to this emotional state that I hadn't realised. The therapy approach is somatic psychotherapy, so it's about learning to stay with sensations and experiences in the body, rather than getting stuck on the story/in your head. The more I re-connected with my body, the more I began to realise that I was not just scared but terrified. Then I could identify the felt sense of that terror and it would come up every time my husband threatened something new/was around. At about the same time I went to stay with my parents & whammo! within 24 hrs of being in their house I was feeling the same body sensations of terror. That's when the penny dropped & I realised that my mum was BPD and that i'd walked right into a mirror of my own family when i'd got married. Since then I've uncovered layer upon layer of different buried/numbed out feelings including deep grief and rage. I understand much more about BPD these days and ironically I can see that marrying my ex, as horrific an experience as it was, has been the catalyst to waking up to the mental illness in my family and to my own healing... .which I'm sure will be ongoing for the rest of my life.  My personal belief is it's v common to marry someone with BPD when you grow up with it. How long have you been married & what are the traits you see in your husband? How do you cope with having your mum so close? How are you with boundaries? Thanks for sharing some of your story 

[Louise7777]

I have 2 uBPD aunts in their 80´s. Im NC now, but the hipocondria was there all their lives, I assume. Its one of their ways to get attention. And it has worked with a miriad of people, from family, to friends, to neighbours. They are both strong as horses and are always creating havoc, always a different disease. Well, Im not there to witness it anymore, so Im not a target, but Im sure it happens.

They had surgeries for no reason (in my opinion), cause they love the attention they get and can be a victim while hurting others. It makes them feel great.

Also, when my uncle got sick, she got sick too. Or she said something like "whos taking care of me now?". Like a 3-yo or worse... .It has been a pattern on this weird behaviour, if you are sick, they are more sick than you and dying... .They have to be the center of attention.

We are in different situations, Im NC, but if there´s one advice I can give you is: they are sick only when they have audience. Are you willing to be part of it? I got tired of the say play, over and over... .But of course, its not my mom, so its easier for me to say it. Wish you good luck. 

[JulesC]

Hi Louise7777

Amazing that your Aunt's even had unnecessary surgery, though I totally believe it! What you say about like a 3 year old... .well that rings true. Especially now my mother's pretty old I can really see that she's about that age. She bangs on the table like a drum, says her own name over and over again. V young (and disturbed) behaviour. Amazing the lengths that the BPD will go to for attention. In the moments when I feel less activated by it all, I can see that BPD's must suffer so much on the inside.

Yes, they are only sick with an audience. I have much less contact than I used to and ignored these latest antics about her hip... .and then the game starts with my Dad getting passive aggressive. He enables so me ignoring incites his rage. It's quite a show to watch. And not one I can tolerate for very long!

Well done for going NC with your Aunt's. Way to go! 

[sophiegirl]

I will write more later and will google your therapy. Totally get the 3 yo thing. My mother is also called my 3rd child as she is terribly self centred and unable to see much beyond her own needs and will have paddies if things don't go her way. As for boundaries well they are exhausting for me really. She doesn't learn to accept them just works out ways round them. I have often thought she must have such a miserable life, I would certainly feel miserable, but I can only presume she doesn't and if anything lurching from one hideous drama to the next keeps her strangely happy (not that she ever smiles). Unfortunately we are so good and empathizing with the BPD we assume what we would feel is what they do. But possibly not.

I have never formally identified the actual similar traits between husband and mother as I don't really want to analyse mother that closely, but I will give it some thought, however since mother arrived on the scene he has improved hugely, I don't think he liked being compared to her!

[P.F.Change]

and then the game starts with my Dad getting passive aggressive. He enables so me ignoring incites his rage.

How do you respond when your father behaves passive-aggressively? Have you ever considered confronting that behavior? Boundaries can be helpful--what boundaries do you need when it comes to your mother's health complaints?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[maxen]

hi JulesC.   

here are my $0.02: my mother passed a few months ago at 101. she didn't have BPD, but she had paranoia. it completely infected her thinking. she was arrogant to the point of fantasy, relentlessly judgemental, some nights every sentence out of her mouth was insufferable. it's not just episodes of lunacy, which she also had but could be managed, it's a daily nightmare. i'm an only child too, so nobody else saw what i saw and it was like climbing everest, and failing, to communicate to others what went on. the only way i could deal with it was simply to reduce contact as far as possible. one call a week, one visit a month by the end. is that a feasible plan for you? also, when she goes you will in fact feel relief, and this is perfectly normal. and then you'll have yourself to deal with, so make sure now that you understand the situation with your mother rightly and that you're doing what you can live with.

[JulesC]

PF Change - good point, thank you. I probably can confront the passive aggression with my father. I tend to ignore it but once he's no longer inflamed I could discuss it with him & I'm going to do this. I have the tools on board to do it. In the past I was terrified when he got angry. The pattern in my childhood was that I was spousified - Daddy's little wife, until a certain (unpredictable) point when he would suddenly align with my mum, and both would viciously turn on me. His main technique was to completely ignore me, as though I no longer existed. As he was the only source of what seemed like love (now I realise it was much more about me fulfilling his needs for love and attention) I would be terrified and literally beg him to like me, look at me, love me again. He would continue ignoring me until he felt like seducing me back in again. It wreaked havoc on my choice of partners in later life as you can imagine! But I understand it now and have worked through a lot of the aftermath. In recent years what I've noticed is that he is terrified of losing me! So when I walk away and no longer tolerate his games he comes running. Confronting his behaviour is the next step towards healing and living as an adult  :)Thank you for the suggestion

maxen   thanks for your $0.02's worth! thank you for writing about your mother. amazing that she lived to 101. It helps to hear that you felt relief when she died. your strategy to reduce contact resonates. i have a call once a week, visit every few months, live a few hours away. The last episode a few months ago when it seemed my mother was dying really hooked me! I'm dealing with a new layer of rage in the aftermath. The positive is that I seem to have come far enough in my journey (14 yrs of therapy) to be less swamped by the new layer and more excited about having more of my self once I've worked through it. It's also another wake up call to monitor my contact more carefully! Next time she's "ill" I plan to sit back instead of dashing to their area and stepping into caretaker mode.

Your point about understanding the situation and doing what I can live with after she's died is a good one. I am the most clear I've ever been about my childhood, what happened, who my parents are, the cost to me of being raised by them and am continuing to reclaim myself, live according to my values and beliefs. It's an ongoing journey of course but I'm going well. And yes, I can live with myself and my choices when she dies.

Aside from relief what else have you experienced since your mother died? Have there been other more complex and difficult feelings to deal with? Thanks heaps 

[sophiegirl]

Hi JulesC

I can totally relate to your thoughts re your ex, that it felt 'right' I felt the same.  The growth of our relationship was easy and I figured it must therefore be right. Just doing a bit of reading he fits in the NPD bracket. He is jealous, possessive, uncaring, buys me presents, cooks for me, great with the kids and works hard to provide for us, terrible temper, his friends describe him as one of the good guys. he is infact very  similar to my BPD mothers brother. Sounds bad but after 20 years I think we are ok and happy moments outweigh the bad. Hope that's of interest!

[imataloss]

Wow, this thread really resonates with me and what I've been going through with my 91 year-old uBPD mother. She fell at the end of June and fractured her vertebra. She was discharged from the hospital this past Wednesday after 4 weeks, and returned to her apartment in an independent living facility with part-time sitters.

I'm an only child also (seems to be a common element here), so am completely responsible for coordinating her care and managing her affairs now. Prior to her fall I had minimal contact with her, primarily dropping off groceries, taking her for doctor appointments, and calling a few times each week.

Having this much contact with her over the past 6 weeks has drained me and filled me with anger and rage. It brings back so many bad memories of my Dad's 2-year battle with cancer (he died in 1995) and how she mistreated him during that time, as well as throughout their marriage. I brought up several of these incidents while she was in the hospital and she claims they never happened, that I'm fabricating all of it.

It doesn't seem fair that I'm giving her better care and treatment than she gave my Dad during his illness. Everything that I'm doing for her is out of a sense of duty and obligation and because she's a human being with no one else to help care for her. But caring for her out of duty and to avoid guilt makes it very challenging. In recent years I too have wondered how I'll feel when she dies. But I've come to believe it will bring a sense of relief and allow me to live my own life more fully.

Her family, a sister who she also doesn't get along with and a couple of nieces, have had no contact with me for the past couple of weeks. I assume it's because I vented to them about her behavior when they called to check on her. Even though they're aware of how difficult she is, they aren't interested in hearing that part. I'm sure it's no more pleasant for them to hear about it than it is for me to deal with it directly every day.

I'm thankful for my partner and a support system of good friends who are willing to listen. And my therapist of 25 plus years who's guided me through the process of fully awakening to my mother's condition.

A question for Maxen: How did you arrive at the conclusion that your mother is paranoid but doesn't have BPD? What are the main differences between the 2, and isn't it difficult to differentiate between them? I sometimes question if BPD is the correct diagnosis for my mother, but based on everything I've read it seems the most appropriate.

As always, I feel better after I've posted here. I'd be very interested in replies from others who are dealing with or have dealt with elderly borderline parents.

[Valley Quail]

Hi,

I can really relate... .my mom has been diagnosed with BPD and dementia ... and is a hypochondriac. She's called 911  35-40 times in the last 11 years. Every time they do extensive testing at the ER and tell her she's very healthy. Then she came up with another unsubstantiated claim so I can really relate. Thanks for posting your story ... .I didn't know that it could be hypochondria linked to BPD until you posted.


Peace and hugs,

VQ

[Indie]

Hi to everyone on this thread and thank you Jules for starting it.   I am new here, found this site while not being able to sleep due to a "new" crisis with my BPD and possibly narcissistic mother.  I am 61 and my BPD mother is 92.  I am an only child now.  My brother killed himself 24 years ago.  I believe he could not escape depression brought on by a childhood filled with abuse.  Many of the things everyone writes about here describe my mother's behavior.

She lives several states away, so I have had a socially acceptable "excuse" to have limited contact.   I used to speak with her once a week, and last visit was a year ago.  At that time we helped her sell her house and move to an independent living place.  That trip was hell... .but I digress!  Anyway, at this point her mental state is either deteriorating into the beginnings of dementia, or it is heightened BPD behavior.

I don't know which it is because she is SO GOOD at manipulating everyone around her, it takes people years to realize they've been had.  She fools her doctors regarding her mental state, and gets them to run all kinds of tests on her physically on a regular basis, which all come out fine.  If a doctor appears to downplay her physical complaints, that doctor becomes "terrible" and she moves to a new doctor.  I say she will single-handedly take down the United States Medicare system.   She LOVES recounting her ailments and other "troubles" to everyone.  To anyone she is talking to, everyone else (most especially me) is terrible and awful to her.  She is quite the dramatic victim to outsiders.  To those of us who understand her mental illness (me, my husband, a few close friends) she will unleash her weapons when she realizes you are savvy to her manipulations and lies.

I am relieved and somewhat fascinated that other see this hypochondria pattern too.   Part of the victim thing?

[phoenix39]

Jules--

I can absolutely relate. I see my mother headed down a similar road in the future (she's 68). She's not so much a hypochondriac as your mum, but she has recently had an elective hip replacement surgery. Before the surgery she was upbeat and nonchalant about the whole thing (possibly to an unrealistic point), and stated over and over again I should not worry and that she was choosing to have it, not forced to have it. Then we had a phone blow-out where she told me I had always been a mean, manipulative and nasty person who loved hurting her since I was a very small child. Well, that finally provoked me into losing my cool and I cried, calling her an ass and saying over and over, "I'm you're daughter! But mom, I'm your daughter! I'M YOUR DAUGHTER, MOM!" (as if all of sudden she would say 'Oh my God, you're right. Why am I treating you like this?" ) Well, since that call I initiated an open-ended period of NC, telling her it was too much for me at the moment to deal with our relationship and it was affecting my whole family, especially my son. I've come to gather through her texts and voicemails that she's had the surgery sometime recently... .and now she's not sure she's going to live, not sure she wants to survive it, that her life is over, etc, etc... .heavy stuff. I worry, like you, that as she gets older I will not be able to sort between dementia and BPD, and perhaps they cannot be separated in an elderly BPD.

As for what your mom said and recanted later-- It's been many a time that my mum has said words of love and value about me, that seemed so SO sincere, only to approach her a few days later and be blown to pieces by the cruelty coming out of her mouth. Here's the worst part-- 95% of the time, I don't think it's conscious manipulation. I believe she IS sincere when she says she loves me... .but I think she's equally sincere when she tells me I have 'no common decency' and that she'll never understand how I can be so selfish and cruel. Both realities are true to her, though never overlapping. And the force of her emotion is so strong, I have to fight pretty hard not to get swallowed up in her black and white chessboard world. My mom's emotions, like all other BPDs emotions, are like a compass that has no true north-- the needle swings wildly in every direction at every little thing that pulls it.

As an only child, I worry about what will happen when she can no longer take care of herself in old age. I can't take care of her. It will kill me and take my family down too. I, too, like you, feel a weary wish that she would just go ahead and die, or better yet, that she would just magically cease to exist. I understand. I'm so sorry.

[sophiegirl]

Valleyquail,

my mother has a st johns medic alarm and has sometimes rung me up (I live next door) to tell me she's going to press it and therefore get an emergency ambulance. At first I would go round and sit with her until they came then it dawned on me this was some sort of drama being played out and I can calmly say 'yes that's a good idea' . I have come to recognise that when there is a genuine emergency she deals with the situation differently, asking my advice on whether she should go to the hospital. such a dangerous game she plays, like Peter and the wolf was it?

Indie, I think my mother enjoys the undivided attention she gets (for a while) when admitted to hospital, she also loves going to the Dr, until they tell her something she doesn't like ie its her age. Then goes down the road of asking for a second opinion.

Pheonix, I have frequently distanced myself from my mother over the years. The last time was emigrating to the other side of the world. But can you believe after a few years she created this story that I had begged her to move over to be with us, and she , in her late 70's sold up and moved out and now lives next door. I genuinely thought at the time that she wanted to be with us but it was of course just about her and not being alone. Life is sometimes very difficult with her close presence.