The next relationshp

[maxsterling]

Perhaps also a good question to post on the "leaving" board also, but also pertinent here because we are with our BPD partners... .

My dBPD fiancé has sometimes mentioned how many of her previous boyfriends have gone on to marry and have children with their next partner.  I'm not sure if she is exaggerating, or there actually have been quite a few.  But, it bothers her greatly as it leads her to feel even more "rejected" (I don't like her use of that word, because that is saying that her exes did not have a right to pursue a different path without her - but her use of that word certainly illustrates the BPD mindset).

I've thought about this, and wonder if any of your partners say the same thing.  Thinking about us, and how much work we have to do on ourselves to understand and try to work within a BPD relationship, that if we actually grow in the process and have a healthier understanding of relationships and who we are as people and what our values are.  And I wonder should the BPD relationship end, if that puts us on a better footing to have a healthier relationship the next time around.  Or maybe after dealing with a BPD partner, many of us would see the next person as such a breath of fresh air that we would let go of some expectations.

Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

Hey masterxling,

Not really 100% sure about your question but this is my answer.

I've had times the last couple of months where I was at a point 'jeez this is so incredibly difficult, I know that other relationships won't take this much work, why do I stay?'. And then I examine the alternative: leave, grieve (quite a long time I think), and then the magic can start all over again. There was a reason I was attracked to my dBPDbf: I was super insecure. Even though I had a good job, I was working out a lot and had a nice physique, even though I did lots of nice things with friends and I consdered myself to be happy... I was still a little bit broken on the inside. All the guys that I kissed with that never called again. All the exes with NPD traits. All the crushes I had. And then I knew that whatever I was facing in this r/s I would have to face someday, the only thing is that this r/s is forcing me to face them. If I don't, things dysregulate and get ugly very quick. I care for my dBPDbf so I don't want to hurt him with my issues.

So I realized: if I leave, I loose a very brave, courageous BPD boyfriend and I would have never known if it had worked once he finished his therapy. That would sting. Plus, I would not have the reassurance that my next relationship would be any better. So I better stay, fix my part of the dance as hard as it sometimes is, but in the end I think we end up stronger as a couple because we know each other's bruised (but healed) soles. That is comforting in times of relapse, and a 'normal' person would have no idea what is behind all those insecurities.

I think that if the r/s ends I will be relieved a little bit, as a seemingly normal relationship definately will take a lot less work... .

[bpbreakout]

My BPDw had two 3 year relationships before she met me. She gave me the impression (one that I was very happy to go along with) that they were disfunctional/unsuccessful & she never felt quite right with them but that I was much better prospect. She gave me the impression that she dumped them. From what I know both of them went on to get married and have children so they must have had something to offer.

I was in a 6 year de-facto relationship which ended before I met BPDw. I think that relationship made me a less selfish and more compassionate person and hence better able to manage BPD relationship. I never had any regrets about that relationship ending but I do think she was a much nicer person to be around and I have more respect for her. There are issues I bring to my marriage which were the same in the previously de-facto relationship.

[flowerpath]

Instead of saying that he should have married someone else, at very difficult times when finances are lean, my husband tells me that I should have married So-and-So…the financially secure person I was in a relationship with before my husband and I met.   He rarely said anything positive about his former girlfriend. 

I do hope things will smooth out here, so I don’t think too much about a relationship with someone new.  However, if there ever were another relationship, I think I’d be more alert to that person’s personality traits and the nuances of communication.  A relationship free of dysfunction would be a breath of fresh air, though.  Can’t deny that. 

[Sugarlily]

This is really interesting as one of things I noticed early on about my bf was that he would talk about he previous gfs as if they were not very nice and had little to offer, yet apart from one who he doesn't know about, they all married their next bf. Reading between the lines I would say that relationship with my bf made them reconsider some things and choose differently.

One was with him on and off for 7 years then he did something so awful that she couldn't continue the relationship. Then she married her next bf and had a son. My bf describes him as boring, so I guess that might mean he is more stable. I think she went into therapy first as she had a tough childhood/home life as well as trauma from the relationship.

Another was attracted to his lifestyle, she refused a recycle then married her next bf because he was kind and not too materialistic.

His last gf before me married a man she considered very easy going.

I think maybe being with a BPD teaches us a lot about ourselves and challenges us to face some of our own issues, but also causes us to re evaluate what is important in a relationship. My bf left me today for the 4th time and this time I just feel relief. I used to put a lot of value on chemistry and that "soul mate" feeling. Now I think I would settle for someone kind, caring and who I can laugh freely with.

[maxsterling]

Sugarlily - yeah, that sounds about like my fiancé.  She claims they were all horrible people who rejected her, used her, or couldn't commit.  The only blame she may take is for being attracted to "unavailable" men, as she calls it, or getting involved too fast.  But the more you piece it together, the more apparent the track record.  Obviously those men weren't "unavailable" because they went on to marry soon thereafter and have a family.  At times, I think she sees this, figures there must be something wrong with her, and it feeds her self loathing and shame.  I've never met any of these exes, but I would imagine the scenario as follows - she meets a guy, they start going out, and to him she seems awesome and enthusiastic.  After a period of time the BPD shows up, she starts getting negative, critical, demanding, etc.  The relationship is no longer progressing in a healthy or natural way.  Guy gets confused (as I did), realizes he is being abused, tries to fix things, tries to communicate through JADE, things get worse.  Then the guy makes a decision to end things, she rages violently, and he sees his only option as going NC.  She interprets this as him abandoning her and hastily jumps into another r/s to try and make him jealous or make her feel better.  Meanwhile, he feels lucky to be away from it, and spends a period of time reflecting.  Upon reflection, he discovers his wants and needs, learns, grows, and goes into his next r/s with a healthy attitude.