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Author Topic: Right of First Refusal - who has experience, thoughts?  (Read 441 times)
AlonelyOne
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« on: July 30, 2014, 02:55:33 PM »

Right of First Refusal

www.divorcesupport.about.com/od/visitation/f/rightoffirstrefusal.htm

During mediation (which has since ceased) this was suggested as a recommendation. After a single week, I think I am of the opinion that I am going to staunchly oppose ROFR for the following reasons:

- Greatly increases the amount of interaction between S2BX and myself.

- Interferes in my time. Sure, I may be at work most of the day, but if I have to drive and meet-up, or work to her schedule. I lose that precious little hour or so of free time in the morning and before bed.

- Allows S2BX to have to much ability to control and interfere in my life.

- S2BX has a flexible, would receive a lot more benefit while I'd experience far more negatives. And I fear she'd manipulate her scheduling in a way to add the most chaos to my life possible. (ie: Not working till noon, take the kids in the morning, then leave me now having to find a sitter just for the afternoon, etc.)


While the concept seemed to make sense at first. I think I failed to consider what it entails when dealing with a high conflict individual.  Have any of you had positive or negative experiences with ROFR?  Did any of you decide not to agree to it, and were you successful?

Right now I am very happy that such was a non-binding agreement. Because I fear the nightmare that would have happened had this been part of the divorce decree.

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Matt
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« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2014, 03:33:03 PM »

It can be a good thing or a bad thing.  It seems clear it would do more harm than good in your case, so just say no.

But... .be prepared to explain why, in a not-too-confrontational way.  "I thought about it and looking at our schedules I just don't think it would work for us.", or "It would take a lot of commucation and cooperation, and right now unfortunately I don't see that happening, but I would be open to it at a later date if everything is going well.", or something like that.
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AlonelyOne
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« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2014, 03:38:31 PM »

But... .be prepared to explain why

Is wanting them to have time at my house also a valid concern?
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Matt
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« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2014, 03:43:10 PM »

But... .be prepared to explain why

Is wanting them to have time at my house also a valid concern?

I don't understand your question.

In general I think you should be expressing the desire to spend as much time with the kids as possible, and you should be showing some flexibility and some effort to come to a solution that is practical for everyone.

If possible, try to express your reasons as, "Because of [kid-oriented reason] I think it would be best if we [arrangement you think will be best]."  "Because the kids do best when they're in bed by 8:30, let's do all the exchanges right after school, so they can settle in, get homework done, eat dinner, and get to bed with no stress."  "Because I live near the school and can make sure they get to school even when the weather is bad, let's work it out so all weeknights are spent at my house, and most of your time with the kids is on the weekend." etc.
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AlonelyOne
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« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2014, 04:44:11 PM »

Except I don't live near the school.  I work out-of-state. I don't have the flexibility that my spouse does. 

So basically, it turns into a tool to control, interfere, reduce my available time with the kids, and brings in wayyyy too much contact. 

Frankly, I'd like to only deal with my S2BX one day a week for exchanges. And during the school year, to use a drop-off/pick-up system so that even that encounter is eliminated.
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Matt
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« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2014, 05:16:11 PM »

I was using those statements as examples.

My point was, whatever you think makes sense, make sure you can explain it very clearly and simply, by stating how it will make things better for the kids.

"Because of such-and-such [something related to the kids], I think we should do so-and-so [the arrangement you think will work best]."

If you put it forward as, "Here's what I want to do... ." or "Here's what I think is best... ." you won't persuade anybody.  But if you put it forward as "Here's what will be best for the kids, and here's why... .", that is probably what the court will think is important.
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momtara
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« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2014, 10:49:55 PM »

I asked about this around a month ago and there's a whole thread around it.  If you have most of the time, you don't want to always have to tell your ex when you're going out or may need a sitter, especially if he can just jerk you around by showing up late, etc.  Best to avoid it, or make it really specific about when it applies.
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momtara
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« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2014, 10:51:00 PM »

If, however, you are the parent with LESS custody or time, then it's good for you because you can use it to get more.  So it all depends.
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ChipH

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« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2014, 05:11:18 PM »

I have Right of First Refusal in my divorce agreement. Every situation is different of course. My attorney put in the agreement if more than 4 hours of  child care is needed you must offer the other parent ROFR. This can be key because it can be more or less time or maybe just overnight. As someone said earlier you can get very specific about the agreement.

I have no idea who my ex will decide to leave the kids with in the future. If we didn't have the ROFR, she may never ask me to take them on her time even if I am available and they want to be with me. She'd rather have a friend or an ex boyfriend watch them simply so I don't know what she is doing or that she isn't spending quality time with them. Most of the time she is of sound mind when it comes to leaving the children in the care of a third party, but with BPD individuals you just never know what they are capable of doing when they lose their impulse control. Personally I want her to be required to call me first. I found out recently she has already violated the agreement a couple of times, so I filed for contempt. We have only been divorced for a couple of months.
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