Your question is essentially how can I make her see and change. And there you already run into problems as See does not mean Change follows. Behavior at times disconnects from Cognition when emotions take over.
Her seemingly random but intense behavior gives you intermittent feedback and makes to hold on to her - it is worth to be aware of it. Staying somewhat level in such a relationship can be a challenge and it it very important to pay sufficient attention on that from your side.
A healthy relationship thrives on respect (=>limits, boundaries) and validation. In a relationship with a pwBPD both are not a given and need to be managed on a day to day basis.
Read up on validation here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0 . Possibly there is a lot of inner pain seeking physical pain to balance it out. Her seeking control would be consistent with it. Learning to verbally validate painful emotions would be a first step for any meaningful communication with her. A next step would be learning SET but focus on validation first - it is connecting in a healthy manner and it is calming.