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Author Topic: Am I being sexually abused?  (Read 564 times)
muggins

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« on: August 01, 2014, 10:20:08 AM »

Has anyone else been quietly led into fettish, bdsm & sexperiments by BPD/npd bf/gf? ... .Its quite normal to me now but friends reactions to my hints of what we get up to, tells me differently. Is he taking more from me than just money, tears, respect, self worth and confidance, on top of taking the man I love ? Or, are we just 'spicey' than most? X
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2014, 11:08:54 AM »

Has your boyfriend been diagnosed with BPD or NPD, or are there traits you've noticed and looked up? Could I ask what behaviors you see with him that run in the relationship?

You'll have to wait for someone with more "sexperience" to come along and answer that particular "spicy" question for you, but meanwhile, it sounds like there are some things besides sex that are troubling you in your relationship. How long have you been together?

These can be high-conflict r/s (relationship(s)) where we get caught up in the highs that come, and then get hurt by the lows. But since we know another high will come we hang in for that, then get devastated by the next low. Is that something  you've been experiencing?

Answer and ask away, there's such a wide membership we all have such a variety of experiences with our loved ones with BPD somebody will have thoughts on anything you ask!

dreamflyer99
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HealingSpirit
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« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2014, 12:42:00 PM »

Since this site and all the message boards here deal with BPD/NPD issues, we could help you better if you shared more about the BPD/NPD type behaviors that led you here.

With the popularity of books like, "Shades of Gray" and all those "adult" book stores out there, I think sex-fetishes and "sexperimenting" are much more common than many of us realize.  My guess is, the bedroom activities in your relationship aren't the biggest problem, are they?  Loving someone with BPD can be very challenging and emotionally painful.

However, there are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.  So, I recommend you open a discussion about this spicy topic on that board.

Hang in there!

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Kwamina
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« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2014, 12:51:10 PM »

I find your post intriguing on many levels. You ask if anyone else has been quietly led into fettish, bdsm & sexperiments so I assume you feel like you've been led into them yourself. Is this assumption correct? You say it's quite normal to you now, but did you feel in any way pressured by your boyfriend to get into these things? Do you feel like your boyfriend respects your boundaries or do you feel like he's trying to get you to do things you don't really feel that comfortable with? When you say it's quite normal to you now, do you mean it's normal in the sense that you're really more comfortable with these things now or more like you're just so used to things being this way? I hope you can tell us a bit more about your situation and your boyfriend's behavior. Take care and I hope to read more from you
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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2014, 02:03:20 PM »

Are you happy with the things your boyfriend is asking of you or do you feel pressurized?

It certainly sounds as if he is violating your boundaries in other areas of your relationship. perhaps it would be helpful for you to take time to think what your boundaries are and how you will enforce them.

If you are happy that's okay but if you feel something is being taken from you and you are loosing your self-respect then that isn't okay.

How would your boyfriend re-act if you said you didn't want to engage in a particular sexual activity-would he accept it or re-act with anger.

When you feel ready perhaps you could tell us a bit more about other aspects of your relationship-it would help us to understand the context better and guide you to the best help.

You do not have to do anything you are not happy with.
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muggins

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« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2014, 07:25:13 AM »

We have been together for 3 years. First year was honeymoon period where he lived with me and we were inseparable. However wen he met me he 'kind of' had some sort of breakdown as he was finally able to share his ocd thoughts. He was diagnosed with ocd but i was never convinced that it was the main issue, its just the visual side is easier to diagnose.

gp was changed because he was no help and the new one is possibly worsen. Local mental health team took 3 years to get referral and they dismissed him, i wasn't there. It is me who has leaned towards BPD but more so npd. I know i cant diagnose him but ive studied mental health more than most degree students as i have passion to help. Paid private for psychotrist to diagnose ocd and private cbt hypnotherapy and even reflexology. He used to ride motox bikes and had a nasty accident that caused damage to his leg and foot, so servers were the injuries he had to learn to walk again. This is the time he met me. Trying to get a brain scan on nhs as hewas unconcious for a very long time.

our relationship was a bit rocky for a period as i didn't know how to deal with his rages. Currently we harddly see each other thou he lives less than a mile away. Because of the violance we experienced he avoids any conflict by ignoring me. I have conditioned myself to be emotionless infront of him and i have no life i just stay around my house waiting for him to visit. I'm very friendly with his mum buy she emotionally drains me and doesn't listen to any advice to try to help him. She is totally overbearing. He is 1 of 3 boys and are a well off family, it is obvious to anyone he is the favourite.

here are the traits he has: rages, selfish 80% of the time, no care for other peoples feelings, spends ridiculous amounts of money on cleaning his car and cutting his hair 4 times a week as well as a 60£ per day weed addiction, he drains me financially, I'm a single mum.

at anyone point, he has to hate either his dad, his mum or me. Mainly his dad, i cant fault him. However they are not a family that hug and show love.

when he is being the boy he was wen we met, he is the most amazing individual i have met. This makes it so hard to move on, because i could never get over him, i wouldn't want to. I really need to know how to stop it hurting so much everytime he repeatedly lets me down ive got ready and I'm left waiting all dressed up at the house, then i cant sleep.

i do feel a bit pressurized ad in so scared of him being in a mood or leaving me for someone else xx
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Kwamina
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« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2014, 08:03:27 AM »

Hi again muggins and thanks for providing this extra information! There seems to be a lot going on with him and also in the rest of his family based on the way you describe things. That 60£ per day weed addiction really doesn't help at all, does he use your money to buy weed because you say he drains you financially?

Many of our members have partners too who aren't officially diagnosed with BPD but based on their behavior it's highly likely that they have this disorder. Unfortunately many people with BPD refuse to acknowledge there's something wrong with them. You say he shared his OCD diagnosis with you, do you feel that he really acknowledges that there's something wrong with him and quite possibly even more than OCD alone? You also say that you paid for CBT, how did he respond to this therapy? Do you feel he is/was fully committed to working on his issues?

when he is being the boy he was wen we met, he is the most amazing individual i have met. This makes it so hard to move on, because i could never get over him, i wouldn't want to. I really need to know how to stop it hurting so much everytime he repeatedly lets me down ive got ready and I'm left waiting all dressed up at the house, then i cant sleep.

i do feel a bit pressurized ad in so scared of him being in a mood or leaving me for someone else xx

It seems that you're still pretty much undecided about how to move forward. It might help taking a look at our undecided board  and read the stories of other members there. To the right of that message board you'll also find some resources that can help you as you try to decide how to move forward.

i do feel a bit pressurized ad in so scared of him being in a mood or leaving me for someone else xx

I can relate to your fear for his changing moods. Does he use the possibility of leaving you for someone else as a threat against you?

Whatever you decide to do, when it comes to dealing with someone who has BPD it's very important to have strong boundaries. We have some information here about setting and enforcing boundaries, I think you might benefit from reading it:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries

Boundaries can also help in your interactions with his mother since you clearly state that she emotionally drains you.
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« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2014, 08:12:25 AM »

   Hi, muggins. Please let me join with the others in welcoming you to our 'family'.

  It sure sounds like you've been through a rough time. These relationships can certainly be frustrating, with cycles of conflict followed by periods of bliss. It's common to feel like you can't go on today, and then be back in the saddle next week and doing OK.

Currently we hardly see each other, though he lives less than a mile away. Because of the violence we experienced, he avoids any conflict by ignoring me.

  If you're comfortable doing so, can you share a bit more about this? Has he been violent towards you? Towards your young daughter? I'd encourage you to check out Safety First and then share your feelings about this.

  Another article that you'll find helpful is How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves, as well as the articles on Boundaries that Kwamina linked for you. Please keep reading and posting, muggins. You're among understanding friends here.

  free'n'clear.  
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2014, 01:39:52 PM »

Muggins,

those are all great links! I got so much out of that Boundaries one since it helped me start looking at what things I value so I could stand up for those. That article and workshop really helped me start clearing my head! Anyway, i'd encourage you to have a look at those articles and that Undecided Board, there's so much great info around here and great support.

You can start a new topic on the Undecided board and ask a question there and get responses from others in a similar situation, or just jump into an ongoing conversation that's already been started. Those are things I did when I first got here and they really helped me feel what a great and supportive community this is. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2014, 03:44:41 PM »

camuse--

Guilt, part of the FOG! It's so hard to get out of the FOG sometimes. Glad you had good boundaries. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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camuse
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« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2014, 04:35:43 PM »

I've been reading about BPD and bdsm and seems there is a link. Maybe its simply the seeking of pain and violence?

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Ziggiddy
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« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2014, 10:21:34 AM »

hi camuse

Well I am no expert on the ins and outs of all the PDs but I am married to a guy with classic OCd and we have had our share of problems with drugs alcohol and inappropriate sexual behaviour - by that I mean not  a healthy upbuilding loving engagement but rather a means to recreate personal pain and drama. I will say this much - it's not a usual healthy reaction to want to be dominant or submissive as far as sex goes because it should be a means of sharing joyful intimacy and mutual love. I understand that having BPD or OCD or PA involved can change the entire reflection of the r/ship. But I'm not advocating that everybody should view it as I do - just that any r/ship that leaves any partner feeling less and not more needs some serious scrutiny. We all need love and abuse is not love even though it might feel like a familiar sensation to the pain we experienced elsewhere - mostly in our family of origin. I would wish you to be able to feel more self worth in your r/ship than less.

And good on you for drawing the line with what makes you feel bad. You are entitled to your boundaries.

My 2c anyway!

Ziggiddy
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muggins

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« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2014, 04:01:00 PM »

  thanks everyone, as u all know it is a very big help having people taking the time to reply and show an interest in supporting Smiling (click to insert in post)

As with this ever changing cycle I struggle to keep track of issues that concern me on a daily basis. He is avoiding me atm so I have taken time to thouroghly read comments and look at all the links posted, thank you again as I found them very useful.

Whilst I have this 'alone' time, I am conducting some research, which I feel may be the beginning of a new area research for BPD. The more ppl who reply to my new post the better, so even if u have time to briefly read it and simply post a yes or no, you'd be contributing a great deal. For those who have time to write anymore... .fab Smiling (click to insert in post) xxxxx
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hark

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« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2014, 04:54:45 PM »

WOW, yes!

Being a natural prude, I would NEVER tell this anywhere but on this board. My uBPDbf (currently separated) has sprung a LOT of uncomfortable requests in the last six months. These requests were talked about, but I was unable to do the things that he asked of me outside of the bedroom. He has expressed a desire to see me with other men - even setting up a potential cuckold situation - because he said he didn't feel he could keep me faithful otherwise. What?

He has asked for some unusual fantasy sex, like pretending that I am his long-lost sister whom he never met, and wanting me to pretend that he was one of my family members (I couldn't do that one). He has pressured me into taking videos of odd sexual things (I SO REGRET THOSE VIDEOS).

And all the while this pressuring was going on (under the ruse that he was trying to satisfy MY sexual needs so I wouldn't stray) he continued to accuse me of infidelity and lying.

I honestly thing experimentation in the bedroom between two consenting adults is normal and healthy. In my case it was very one-sided. He has used the withholding of sex as a tool when I just wanted non-gourmet sex. I remember one particularly awful video situation where he was taping me (ahem) and started asking me how and if I would do those things to a friend of his. When I didn't play along he pushed me away and had a temper tantrum ON TAPE.

The more I read, the more I learn. The more I learn, the less I feel alone in this.
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2014, 11:08:29 PM »

Hark--you have a really good point that i hadn't thought to apply to sex. A lot of my r/s with my uBPDh has been one-sided, and that hasn't been satisfactory, stuff like he wants me to listen to him talk on and on about his day but isn't too interested in mine, he wants me to take care of everything in the home so he doesn't have to do anything more than go to his 8 hour job (but i'm "on" for 24) etc etc. So why would sex be any different?
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Hope0807
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« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2014, 11:56:13 PM »

I think anyone who dares to write the question if they are being sexually abused has "thought" about that question long and hard before sitting down to post it.  That tells me you are clearly uncomfortable with at least some aspect of what is going on in your private life.  One way to better gauge your own comfort level with your individual situation is to pry yourself away from it and evaluate it from a different angle.  If I may suggest, take a break from any and all of the sexual behavior, talk with a therapist (sex therapist if you can find one in your area) and break down your thoughts and emotions as they are connected to these experiences.  Sounds like you may have involved yourself in a bit of a storm (that at moments feels both exciting and pleasurable) but it ultimately making you question your own self worth.  Give your soul a break and put it all on pause.  It will be a worthwhile pause no matter the findings or the outcome. 
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« Reply #16 on: August 13, 2014, 12:48:23 AM »

Hi Muggins,

What a great place for you to be asking these questions.  I think it's worthwhile to explore BDSM and PDs.

My experience with my unofficially dNPD (maybe BPD too) H is that he engaged  in extreme BDSM behaviors with an affair partner.  OCD has been mentioned by a psychologist as well.  I never had any idea of his interest in BDSM (together 24 years!).  My first visit to the marriage counselor alone he told me if you're going to stay with him, you might have to engage in at least some of that.  It made me feel sick. I will say I tried some things because I was probably in a fog, I loved him deeply, I didn't want to face the end of my marriage, and I was terrified of going up against H, affair partner (who had already planned out and told me of the living arrangements with my young children and hers), and mother-in-law (words can't describe how evil, yes, evil, I think she is).

Individual counseling helped me with boundaries (although just because I became stronger didn't mean our marriage was secure).   His IC helped reinforce the notion to H that he can't force anything on his wife (or anyone), especially after our marriage counselor spoke with H's IC.  Now that I'm farther removed from the initial trauma I can't believe how confusing everything felt.  It was perfectly ok for me to feel that way and I am so glad I handled it like I did.  We're getting a divorce but the mother-in-law and the original affair partner have been gone for 2 years now.  Whew.  I'm stronger and my children are older.

My H also gives me the silent treatment.  MC says H is afraid of his own anger, and that when he files his nastiness in court, he's throwing what's inside of himself at me.

My counselor has said BDSM people often were victims of child abuse, although I believe many who engage in BDSM disagree vehemently with that.  Counselor has told me some mental health professionals see BDSM in a similar way to cross dressing, that there is something the person is trying to express and they don't know how to except through their sexual beahvior.

As for being wrapped up in him and this drama, and not even wanting to leave your house, I can relate.  The counselor thought my H had Aspergers, and I read Maxine Aston and related to some of the symptoms Asperger wives go through.  I also realized I was afraid to leave my house.  I think sometimes living with an NPD husband can have similar effects, which might make sense if both are low in empathy.

Reading about countertransference helped a ton, too. 

Can you get individual counseling for yourself?  Find a support group, or talk to other people?

I'm still scared to death about my future and I feel so much heartache when my children leave to be with him (and scared because of my daughter's past reactions to H and his behaviors), but I also feel more free and more confident and healthier each day (usually).

I guess I had to walk my own path in my own time frame.  Others might have made different choices, and I think we each can find compassion for ourselves knowing we do the best we can given the information we have at any particular moment.

I feel for you and hope the best for you and your daughter.
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Ulysses
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« Reply #17 on: August 13, 2014, 12:53:36 AM »

One more thing that helped me was to journal.  I can go back and see patterns, behaviors, changes and growth.
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Ziggiddy
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« Reply #18 on: August 13, 2014, 01:22:52 AM »

Ulysses

I appreciate your honest post and am glad you are moving to recovery but I have to say i am absolutely appalled that a therapist would have the temerity to tell ANYONE what or what they could or should do in bed with their partner. Seriously, in my country that would get them reported and likely disbarred. Simply unacceptable.

The role of the marriage counsellor is to provide an environment where each person in the couple can communicate in a safe way with an intermediary to help keep conflict at a minimum. it is certainly not his/her place to say "Yeah if you want to keep the marriage you had better do what he says" it is up to them to help explore options. Not present ultimatums. i am aghast.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #19 on: August 28, 2014, 10:22:42 AM »

Being a natural prude, I would NEVER tell this anywhere but on this board. My uBPDbf (currently separated) has sprung a LOT of uncomfortable requests in the last six months. These requests were talked about, but I was unable to do the things that he asked of me outside of the bedroom. He has expressed a desire to see me with other men - even setting up a potential cuckold situation - because he said he didn't feel he could keep me faithful otherwise. What?

Oh wow, I could have written this. The only difference is that I DID do those things. It got kind of ugly. I was crying and upset and didn't want to go through with it but he kept giving me attention and soothing me and telling me how great it would be. On the way to see the other guy, he kept me on the phone and talked me through it. There were a couple of points where I felt like turning the car around and going home but he kept encouraging me. In retrospect, it was friggin' sick, sick, sick. I had been so beat down that I did that stuff because he gave me more attention and encouragement than I had gotten in years.

Excerpt
I honestly thing experimentation in the bedroom between two consenting adults is normal and healthy. In my case it was very one-sided. He has used the withholding of sex as a tool when I just wanted non-gourmet sex. I remember one particularly awful video situation where he was taping me (ahem) and started asking me how and if I would do those things to a friend of his. When I didn't play along he pushed me away and had a temper tantrum ON TAPE.

Mine claims to have erectile dysfunction when I am not talking to other guys. If I tell him that I had a racy conversation with another guy, BAM, things start working again. One of the guys that I did stuff with was very much into BDSM. The violence of it all was too much for me. My last physical encounter with the one guy was the tipping point that set me out to searching and led me here. Oh, and the oddest thing is that my husband has absolutely no interest in BDSM when talking to me. He talked to one chick that was into that and he said he wanted to do all of that stuff and even joined a group to learn about it, unbeknownst to me at the time. I was confused at how he could claim to be one way with one person but claim to be something else entirely with someone else. In retrospect, the only guys that would have anything to do with a married woman and get a thrill out of what was going on are guys that are just as sick as my husband.

Excerpt
The more I read, the more I learn. The more I learn, the less I feel alone in this.

I know this is an older thread. I figured I would respond because it has made me feel a whole lot less alone. Just typing some of this stuff out in a safe place is helpful. If anybody else has any experience with this stuff that can be shared, that would be helpful.
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hark

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« Reply #20 on: September 04, 2014, 04:18:09 PM »

Hi Vortex,

I haven't been on in about a week, so I just saw your post. I am very confused about the sexual side of my relationship. Briefly, sex seemed to be normal for several years. This past December we lost a baby. The following month is when the sexual difficulties surfaced. It started with him wanting to know details about my "racy" past. Nothing racy to tell. He pushed me so much with it that I did end up telling him some mundane details about my previous partners. Shortly after he began withholding sex while accusing me of not wanting sex. I mean, it got to be like a comedy routine. I'd ask for sex, and he'd refuse and say that I was the one who never wanted to have sex. Bizarre.

The potential cuckold situation came after he said I was too wild and promiscuous for him to keep me happy. He'd rather have me be with men that he had control and knowledge over the situation. None of it made any sense. I felt like my brain had been scrambled. I'm so thankful that I had a shred of sense left; just enough to avoid the situation with the other man he had found. I realize those situations work for some people, and I do not judge that, but fidelity I so important to me that I would never have gotten over that. I could forgive infidelity in a partner much easier than I could forgive it in myself, if that makes sense.

I now suspect that he has erectile dysfunction. I suspect that he has been medicating with Eriacta (purchased online from a sketchy overseas pharmacy) without my knowledge. I know he's been taking it since our separation. He ate Horny Goat Weed like it was candy, but he's an OTC supplement junkie, and I didn't think twice.

Anyway, Vortex, you're not alone. If you want to talk about it we can continue on this thread so others can learn, or you can private message me.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #21 on: September 04, 2014, 09:22:53 PM »

Briefly, sex seemed to be normal for several years. This past December we lost a baby. The following month is when the sexual difficulties surfaced. It started with him wanting to know details about my "racy" past. Nothing racy to tell. He pushed me so much with it that I did end up telling him some mundane details about my previous partners. Shortly after he began withholding sex while accusing me of not wanting sex. I mean, it got to be like a comedy routine. I'd ask for sex, and he'd refuse and say that I was the one who never wanted to have sex. Bizarre.

I don't think sex has ever really been normal. It was before we got married but it seemed like as soon as we said "I do" things were weird in the bedroom. On our wedding night, he wanted to watch PPV porn in the hotel room. I didn't say anything because I figured it might spice things up and give us a chance to rest a little because we were both so tired. Needless to say, things didn't work that night.

I have always been confused with the sex stuff because he makes it clear that he wants it but he won't do anything about it. When we were first married, I would wake up in the morning and find him sitting on the computer looking at porn and taking care of himself. He always brushed it off as him letting me sleep. So, I thought, "Wow, what a nice guy. He is letting me sleep and is taking care of things himself." It didn't take long for that to get really, really old.

Excerpt
The potential cuckold situation came after he said I was too wild and promiscuous for him to keep me happy.

At the beginning of our marriage, we were in grad school together. There was a block party and we both went. I had way too much to drink and I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a precarious position with a neighbor. Once I realized what was going on, I put a stop to everything and ran off to find my husband. I later found out that my husband had been standing out by the window watching rather than knocking on the door and getting me. It took me several years to process that incident. When I finally talked to my husband about it, he got all excited and wanted me to give him a sexual favor.

Excerpt
He'd rather have me be with men that he had control and knowledge over the situation. None of it made any sense. I felt like my brain had been scrambled.

Yes, it is quite a brain scramble. It was my fault that the cuckold situation came about. I was upset and lonely and answered a personal ad online. I had no intention of doing anything. The other guy was lonely too and we mainly joked around and were silly. He confessed that he was bisexual and his wife didn't know. Once our conversations got racy, I told him that I had to tell my husband. I wasn't comfortable having those kinds of conversations behind my husband's back. I thought it was a moment of weakness. I would tell my husband. He would likely get upset and it would at least prompt some discussion. It prompted discussion all right. It prompted my husband to get excited and encourage me to go be with the guy. And since the guy was bi, maybe I could set up some experimentation. That was all fine. The problem was that my husband started pushing me to do things that I wasn't comfortable with doing. It seemed like he would push a little bit but not too far. The next thing I know. Things got way out of hand.

Excerpt
I'm so thankful that I had a shred of sense left; just enough to avoid the situation with the other man he had found. I realize those situations work for some people, and I do not judge that, but fidelity I so important to me that I would never have gotten over that.

I found the other guy myself. After the first guy, I tried to cut my husband out of things. I found another guy that was super sweet. He and I have been talking for over a year now. We have hooked up a few times. It blows my mind that my husband had a problem with watching the kids and letting me do stuff like hang out with family or friends but he would actually take the day off work so I could go meet my friend. It is completely mind boggling. I still talk to my friend because he seems to get the precarious position that I have been in.

Excerpt
I could forgive infidelity in a partner much easier than I could forgive it in myself, if that makes sense.



That makes perfect sense. I have struggled with that but have ultimately decided that I am tired of my husband's crap. I couldn't even have an affair and enjoy it because he wanted to control it. It was crazy because one day he would be excited about my affair and the next he would try to tell me that I couldn't talk to my friend at all. I am sorry but I do not see people as disposable. I cannot form a bond with somebody only to throw them away at the whim of my husband.

Excerpt
I now suspect that he has erectile dysfunction. I suspect that he has been medicating with Eriacta (purchased online from a sketchy overseas pharmacy) without my knowledge. I know he's been taking it since our separation. He ate Horny Goat Weed like it was candy, but he's an OTC supplement junkie, and I didn't think twice.

I thought my husband had ED too. He has health problems and takes medications that could easily explain his dysfunction. However, things would work for BJ's and non-penetrating stuff and things would always work if I would tell him about my friend.

Excerpt
Anyway, Vortex, you're not alone. If you want to talk about it we can continue on this thread so others can learn, or you can private message me.

I don't mind talking about it on the forum. I know it would have been helpful for me to have found something like this a while back. I am glad that I am not alone. I have gone pretty far in what I have done. I have always been a bit adventurous but he took things too far with the pressuring and the nagging. If I sent any pictures, messages, or texts to my friend, he had to know. One time, I texted my friend without my husband knowing. My husband looked at my phone, found the texts, and went ballistic on me. It blew my mind that he was okay with things as long as he knew every single detail.

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Satori68

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« Reply #22 on: September 04, 2014, 10:04:40 PM »

My boyfriend and I have a similar sexual relationship. I wonder if BDSM is common among people with BPD. It's never been something I thought to bring up but it does effectively demonstrate his controlling tendencies.

But on the other hand my preferences were in the BDSM category before I met him, so it's hard to say if this is something he would push onto another partner that wasn't familiar or comfortable with it.

I do find sometimes find that he can take it very far, that I question whether he would stop if I asked him in seriousness to. Honestly I don't think he would. There have been situations where I think it stops being sexual and becomes a means for him to express that I belong to him.

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michel71
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« Reply #23 on: September 04, 2014, 10:13:20 PM »

This is a very sensitive subject and I am so glad that it was brought up. I haven't been able to fully process my own situation until I started to read about the connections between BPD and BDSM behaviors. This is not to say that they always go hand in hand. After about 6 months into our marriage my BPDw wanted to spice things up. Said that our sex life had become boring. OF course I wanted to please her and she suggested some things. They were fun at first, but then she upped her game. More things were requested and purchased. I dare not say what they are were but it suffices to say that I was not comfortable with them. Any time that she sensed that I was the least bit unenthusiastic, she chastised me, said I was "vanilla" and even questioned my prowess. It really hurt. I became somewhat robotic just doing what she wanted. Every once in a while to try and deflect her from this heavy duty BDSM stuff, I would tell her that I missed just close love making and BDSM felt too much like just sex. That would never go over well. Once she got so mad that she took all the equipment ( ah hem) and threw them into another room. Said that I made her feel dirty because I didn't want to use those things. What the heck?

Believe it or not, I consider myself to be anything but boring in the bedroom but she crossed my boundaries and I felt... .USED. It was all about her pleasure, must like anything else.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #24 on: September 04, 2014, 10:32:18 PM »

My husband has no real interest in BDSM. It is funny though. He was talking to other women and wanted to do that stuff with other women but not me. I always found it very confusing because he would tell me that he hates violence and cannot stand the sound of smacking of any kind because it brings up bad memories from childhood. His only kink seems to be the cuckolding.

Now, my friend is into BDSM. He has issues too but that is neither here nor there. I am bringing him up because my friend seems to have a sixth sense about how far to push things. My husband likes everything vanilla with me but would get upset or have his feelings hurt if I would squirm just so or ask him to do something different because it was making me uncomfortable. My husband is incapable of reading body language or listening to simple requests to do or not do something. I wasn't very experienced when I met my husband so I didn't know about a lot. I had only been in one other serious relationship before my husband. I never thought to think about how things felt in my first serious relationship versus with my husband. The biggest missing piece is the connection and the ability to pay attention to how somebody else is responding to you in a physical setting.

I have no problems with BDSM and actually enjoy it with my friend. However, I could never do anything like that with my husband because I do not trust him to listen when I say NO and I do not trust him to pay attention to how my body reacts to certain things. Without the ability to connect with the other person, I think BDSM could be potentially dangerous. There have been times that my friend has stopped everything and said, "You aren't having fun." And then we proceed to just talk and that is it. From my own experience, BDSM requires a lot of self control and the ability for two people to connect enough to know when things have gone too far.

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #25 on: September 04, 2014, 10:34:19 PM »

Believe it or not, I consider myself to be anything but boring in the bedroom but she crossed my boundaries and I felt... .USED. It was all about her pleasure, must like anything else.

EXACTLY! Whether my husband and I were being vanilla or trying new things, it always seemed to focus on his enjoyment. I have said repeatedly that I had become his cum dumpster. He could use me for his own pleasure and then claim that he had conquered his sex addiction and that he was in recovery.
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hark

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« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2014, 03:08:34 AM »

So confusing. In the last few months that we were together(we've been separated 2 1/2 months) we were having sex once or twice a month. He would masturbate to Internet porn, and chose women that he thought looked like me. Uh... .I'm right here. Why not have the real thing? And then there was the constant blame. I was the one who didn't want sex. I was depriving him of his fantasies, etc. etc. I was open to just about anything as long as it was just between the two of us. But then there were the constant accusations. I think he fantasizes about me being with other men so much that he convinced himself it was true. Even now, he maintains his belief that I was constantly unfaithful to him.

Anyone have any episodes of twisted fantasies? We tried to bring fantasy into the bedroom. It was fun at first, but became increasingly uncomfortable for me. A family element started coming up with him. First he wanted to pretend I was his sister. Then he wanted to pretend I was his mother. Then it was him being MY brother (my actual brother that he knows well) Next he wanted me to take a shower and pretend he was my grown son who had come home to rape me. I had a real hard time "performing" these acts. I couldn't let go. He always knew I wasn't enjoying myself which fueled his anger at me for "depriving" him, and forcing him to have a boring sex life. He dropped the fantasies after he decided that we would roll play me having sex with my father. I was very close with my father, and he died two years ago. I just dissolved into a puddle of tears and couldn't believe that he would even suggest something so hurtful.

Anyway, among the dozens of affairs he thinks I've had behind his back, he now also believes that I've had a life-long sexual relationship with my brother.

I love him, and I feel very sorry for him. But I'm tired of the constant
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hark

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« Reply #27 on: September 05, 2014, 03:16:47 AM »

Whoops. It cut me off.

I love him, and I feel very sorry for him. But I'm tired of the constant pressure and accusations. I'm tired of feeling like a sexual reject because I won't let him trot me out like a brood mare to the highest bidder. I just want a loving relationship for f***s sake.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2014, 05:08:37 AM »

So confusing. In the last few months that we were together(we've been separated 2 1/2 months) we were having sex once or twice a month. He would masturbate to Internet porn, and chose women that he thought looked like me. Uh... .I'm right here. Why not have the real thing?

Oh my goodness! I could have written that. Before we had kids, I was stuck on wondering why he would choose porn and self pleasure over the real thing. I got mad at one point and said that I would not have porn in my house at all. I thought it had stopped but got the dreaded "We need to talk call" because he had to resign from his position because he got caught looking at porn at work. I never understood that because I have never been a cold fish and I was not one to reject his advances.

Excerpt
And then there was the constant blame. I was the one who didn't want sex. I was depriving him of his fantasies, etc. etc. I was open to just about anything as long as it was just between the two of us. But then there were the constant accusations.

For me, it was the passive aggressive stuff like, "Oh, I didn't want to bother you." or "I was trying to be considerate of you and your needs." Um, no, he wasn't considering me because I had told him repeatedly to let me know when or if he wanted to do anything. I was in a position where I would have to initiate but then things wouldn't work for one reason or another. He always had an excuse as to why he didn't initiate. It was always so very confusing. I was of the same opinion about things staying between the two of us. I am still not sure when or how things changed. But, I do have friends that are very happy in open relationships or alternative arrangements. So, I was even open to alternative things as long as they involved honesty and respect. 

Excerpt
I think he fantasizes about me being with other men so much that he convinced himself it was true. Even now, he maintains his belief that I was constantly unfaithful to him.

When I have tried to talk to my husband about how it made me feel when he would nag me to be with other men, he would tell me that I wasn't cheating and that it was all fine and good. When he and I were both talking to other people online and posting ads, he would get so mad when I would get responses and he wouldn't. And he made it all about the sex. I was looking for friends and he was looking for f**k buddies. He never seemed to grasp that. A lot of times, I would ask guys how they would react to some of the stuff that I was dealing with. A lot of times, I was trying to figure out what was normal and what wasn't. My mind had become such a friggin' twisted pit of mush that I needed something to help me figure out what was normal. To a one, most of the guys would have been really pi***d of at the idea of their wives doing things with other people. They couldn't comprehend how a guy would pretty much whore out his wife and ignore her in favor of other people. These guys would complain that there wives didn't cook or clean or give them attention or anything like that. I do all of those things and then some.

Excerpt
Anyone have any episodes of twisted fantasies? We tried to bring fantasy into the bedroom. It was fun at first, but became increasingly uncomfortable for me.

Oh yes, we went there too. There was mundane stuff like him knocking on the door and pretending to be a repair man. That ended in weirdness. I don't remember the specifics. I just remember that it ended abruptly. He got to a point where he liked it if I called out my lovers name and would tell him that he was doing something with somebody else's girl. It was okay once or twice but I couldn't do it for long because it felt really wrong and really disgusting to me after a while. I wanted him to be with ME. I wanted him to be with me because I am HIS wife. I am not a whore or a sex object. I am a human friggin' being. It has become clear that he can't be sexual with me without some kind of twisted stuff being involved. I tested this theory one time. I didn't talk to my friend for about 6 weeks. During that period, my husband was only intimate with me one time and even then it was a bit awkward. When I started talking to my friend again, I told my husband and I told him that we had some racy conversations. BAM! Everything magically started working again.

The weird part of it all is that if I tried to say no to sex with him when I was seeing my friend or talking to my friend, he would blame it on my friend. Um, no. I didn't want to have sex with my husband because some of his requests made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to do things with my husband because I didn't want to feel like a cum dumpster. But, having the other person involved gave him somebody to blame. It was frustrating because he made it sound like I am incapable of deciding whether or not to be physical with somebody else. I am embarrassed to admit it but my friend has told me repeatedly to stop worrying so much about what my husband wants or needs. He continually reminds me that it is okay to say no to him and my husband and anybody else in the world. It is crazy. I shouldn't be reminded of that. With my husband, things had gotten to the point where I had to justify every little thing that I did. Even if I would try to avoid it, he would keep badgering me until I gave him an explanation. Or, I would simply blow up at him because he could not respect a simple NO.

Excerpt
A family element started coming up with him.

The family element has always been off the table. I was molested by a family member as a child. There is no way that I could pretend to do anything with any member of my family.

I have done the whole daddy thing but that was never done while thinking about my actual biological father. That whole idea completely disgusts me. I could never ever never do that. When I have called any man daddy in the context of being physical, it has been because I thought he was daddy material. It was more of, "You are a strong strapping guy and I would want to have children with you." That is very, very different from the whole incestuous stuff. I find the incest fantasies to be disgusting and something that I couldn't do.

Excerpt
I had a real hard time "performing" these acts. I couldn't let go. He always knew I wasn't enjoying myself which fueled his anger at me for "depriving" him, and forcing him to have a boring sex life.

My husband never seemed to care whether or not I was enjoying myself. It was all pretty mechanical and it was all about him. If I would try things and accidentally say or do the wrong thing, then things would come to a halt. And then he would beat himself up and we would have to analyze and rehash everything. That put me in a position where I didn't feel like I could express my desires or even ask him to change anything because then he would go on and on about how terrible he was.

Excerpt
I love him, and I feel very sorry for him. But I'm tired of the constant pressure and accusations. I'm tired of feeling like a sexual reject because I won't let him trot me out like a brood mare to the highest bidder. I just want a loving relationship for f***s sake.

I could have written this. I am so tired of feeling like a dirty whore. When things were at there worst, I started fighting back as it were. I posted an update on my social media page that said something like, "Free wife. For details contact <my husband's name>. Only requirement is that you clean her up before you send her home." My husband was so angry about that. It made me look so crazy but that was the only thing I could think of to make the point that I did not want to be his sex toy that he sent out to screw other guys and then come home telling him the tales. I was only physical with two guys and both of them were my choosing. When I refused to tell him about things with the one guy, he got upset and told the guy's wife so that put an end to that. It is so ridiculous how he can't seem to see me as a person that is separate from him. I am NOT his property.
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DreamFlyer99
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« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2014, 12:45:57 PM »

It seems to me from reading all your accounts about what your partners want that goes against your comfort level comes down to a matter of values and boundaries. Do you think so?

So much is a part of the disorder of BP and the "everything is ultimately about me" thinking they have. And I don't mean that in a cruel way, it's just a fact of the disorder. All that fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy sounds like in your cases it boils down to being more of a voyeur than participant. Participation requires 2 willing partners, people who will take the other person's feelings into consideration. Often for a person suffering with BPD it's more about "how you make me feel" than "how you feel."

This truth was brought home to me when after 37 years of marriage I put myself in a biiiig time out after my uBPDh got physically threatening. I'd been dealing with the emotional and mental abuse for a long time, but the physical was my wake up call. Anyway, he got into my private journaling on my computer and read some of my entries about the pain I felt from his treatment of me. His response? "How could you write those things about meee? You're so angry!" He totally missed that I wrote those IN RESPONSE to his emotional abuse. All he could see was how he felt about what I wrote, not how I felt.

Porn and excitement over your partner's affairs and even the control issues of wanting to push you farther than you're comfortable, fantasies that don't consider your feelings, all those are about Them. And they don't involve a relationship, or honesty, or taking another into consideration. It's all about what they want to receive, because the sexual partnership isn't reciprocal. That's why your needs aren't considered. It's just the fact of it, not a judgment.

And this is where your values and boundaries come in, since you can't change your partner (though God knows I tried for years! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) )

I'm so so sorry for what all of you have been through! Feeling like an object in your own bed is not nice, to say the least. Feeling second to some internet chick with perfect boobs is also not nice. And not being considered IS NOT NICE!
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