Another arrow in her quiver

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

So my uBPDw and I are working through the "High Conflict Couple" book. 

We're up to chapter 7, and she's focused in on the section where "previous romantic relationships can affect our current responses... .  Basically her complaints that I don't find her attractive are rooted in her first marriage (widowed after 24+ years) where her husband basically told her he settled because he couldn't do better.

She's pointed this out now a bunch of times.  I've responded that yes, that's one aspect that I must consider to try and understand her feelings.

She seems to be trying to manipulate me into a certain behavior (see all the threads about never looking at another human being or else being accused of checking them out). 

     This is part of her past -> she has feelings of insecurity -> I should never look at another human being

I can't seem to point out that her past is something I must consider.  I'm not sure how to address her pointing to her past and saying "see, this is why I feel this way... .you must accommodate me... ."

Any suggestions

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Well, I think this is one of the areas where we can validate the underlying emotion, then remind them that their triggers are their triggers.  That's the reality that we can do nothing about: WE CAN'T FIX THEIR PAST.  Yes, we can be aware of their triggers and do our best to accommodate them, and it helps us to understand where they are coming from, but the reality is, your W will ALWAYS have those worthless feelings, and there is nothing you can do to fix them.  Trying to avoid her triggers = walking on eggshells = you will go insane because she will keep moving the goal post. 

I run into the same issue over and over again on this.  Take for example, sex.  She's been raped.  She's filled her life with meaningless sex.  She's worked in the sex industry to support a drug habit.  And all that leads to her not really enjoying sex much of the time and having insecurities in that area.  That means we don't have sex very often, and when we do, she is often not in the moment.  And that really stinks for me.  But my take on this - it's for her to find away to get over.  I can't fix this.  She can tell me to avoid doing or saying certain things and I will certainly oblige.  But those pervasive negative feelings I just can't fix for her.

[an0ught]

As maxsterling said: You may need to take it into account but in the end it is her problem to deal with.

Now if you feel being manipulated that is of course not ok. There are different ways to deal with it and the first one probably should be validation here as her manipulation is a call for validation. At times you could also choose to call her out on the validation using SET. Boundaries are really the way to break this manipulative behavior in general but maybe work on boundaries elsewhere first before taking a harder stance in a very sensitive area for her that does not cost you so much. She has an old wound from a past invalidation. Recovering from invalidation is not really a strength of pwBPD.