Bad news for SS20 -- UBPD mom is moving close

[NorthernGirl]

SS20 has development delays -- mostly cognitive issues -- and anxiety. He's just had an amazing year. He went away to a small city near us to attend a special college program that helped him with life skills and got him into several work experience jobs. He had his first kiss, first girlfriend and his then first break-up. (Darn girl  )  He made friends and had some regular social connections. He was so proud to be a college grad.

He was absolutely thrilled to be living away almost on his own (he had supports in place) and got a taste of freedom. His mom (UBPD) moved 500 miles away to be closer to her parents. SS20 rarely saw her and she had minimum involved with his program. She didn't come to his grad. Meanwhile, DH was very involved with the program, went regularly for meetings with his teachers and support workers, helped in planning what was next, got SS moved, bought him furniture, etc, etc.

At the end of the program, SS20 decided to stay living in this small city. He landed a permanent job. He was proud of what he'd done but he even wanted more. He constantly asked DH how he could get to a place where he didn't need to have his parents as guardians.

When he was 17, SS had to have an assessment done to determine if he required full guardianship for decision making (where he lived, worked, medical decisions, etc.) when he turned 18. It was clear he needed financial assistance but the rest wasn't as clear. The assessor determined he needed full guardianship, but also said he should be re-assessed because it was clear he had the ability to learn, and if he improved he could move to a different model of decision making.

SS20 had the re-assessment last week. When the assessor was done, she told him he had made huge strides. She told him she thought he may not require full guardianship. SS20 was thrilled. He told DH he couldn't wait to tell his mom because "it will prove I'm not stupid. She thinks I'm stupid." Very sad, but he's right (she calls him mentally handicapped or on a bad day mentally retarded but at least not to his face.) SS told us he knows he had made great strides because of all that DH and I have done for him the last few years. 

The next day the assessor called to say that after discussions with the guardianship office, they determined SS20 should still be under full guardianship. Mostly because of his anxiety and how it might affect his decisions. SS was devastated.

But it didn't end there. He has just informed us that his mom has quit her job and is moving to the city he lives in. She has no ties there other than SS. When he told DH he said "oh well, at least maybe she'll drive me to work on cold days." That's about the only positive things he could up with to say.

His mom informed him he can no longer ride his bike to work. It is too unsafe. She sent DH scathing emails this week about how he is pushing SS20 to do unsafe things. Meanwhile SS20 rode his bike to work for years when he lived with us. He loved the freedom of riding his bike (he will likely never be able to get a driver's license and like most people isn't thrilled about taking a bus). Today he called and admitted he didn't ride to work. DH said he sounded defeated.

Since I've known DH, his ex has taken little interest in SS20, except to fight anything that looked like independence or anything that had to do with guardianship or control. The days he was with her, SS20 sat and watched TV all day, eating junk food. Even he got tired of it eventually. She stopped him from playing sports (too dangerous), going to school (kids were bullies), riding the bus (street he had to cross was dangerous). And on and on.

I don't know what is next for SS. Obviously DH can't tell his ex where to live, and because they are joint guardians they have to both agree if SS wants to move.

I am so sad for SS20.

[Panda39]

Northern Girl,

So sorry to hear uBPDmom is putting in an appearance and raining on everyone's parade. I wish I had a solution unfortunately I don't.  Just wanted you to know that there are other step-moms that know exactly where you are coming from.  It is so frustrating dealing with BPD moms and trying to maintain the best situation for our kids.

By the way your step-son sounds like an awesome guy  He, you, and your husband should be awfully proud of all he has accomplished.  Let's hope uBPDmom doesn't cause too many problems. 

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks Panda39. The saga continues as DH's ex wants to use an arbitrator to stop SS20 from biking to work. The good news is that arbitration allows DH, his ex AND SS20 to be heard. DH fought hard to have it included in the joint guardianship agreement that they use arbitration when they disagreed and that SS20's opinion (without either parent in the conversation) be heard by the arbitrator. SS20 begged for that.

The bad news is that all of this is a huge burden on SS20. If he's just never going to ride his bike to work again because he's afraid of making his mom mad then there's no reason for arbitration. If he says he wants to ride his bike, then he'll need to talk about this with the arbitrator. And if he tells the arbitrator he wants to ride his bike, "mom will scream and scream" as he put it last night. If he caves to his mom's pressure and tells the arbitrator it doesn't matter if he rides his bike, he knows he is losing one piece of independence. DH has said SS20 isn't to ride his bike in the dark and he won't be riding in the winter. But his ex has said no riding his bike to work. Ever. Black/white.

DH hates seeing the pressure SS20 is under. He knows the screaming SS20 will hear. We are all aware that if SS20 just gives in and doesn't ride his bike, she will likely go after all the other things he's fought hard for -- including having a job. She has told him many times that he doesn't have to work because he gets money from the government.

It feels like SS20 is between a rock and a hard place. If he gives in, his mom will temporarily be happy but then push for something else. If he stands up to her, he may be able to bike but she'll yell and scream at him -- both for going "against her" with the arbitrator and for continuing to do something she doesn't want him to do. If he keeps standing up for himself, she might give up and back off like she has the last couple years, or she might dig in and fight for full guardianship. It could go either way.

[Panda39]

It feels like SS20 is between a rock and a hard place.

I HATE THE ROCK AND THE HARD PLACE!     I have experienced that many times.  Putting their kids in that spot is a particular talent that BPDmoms just seem to have.

Which way do you think your son will go?  Can the folks working with your son weigh in on this with the arbitrator?  Maybe you can get what you want without your Stepson's opinion even being needed? Thus removing him from the rock & hard place.

[Matt]

Just a gut reaction - this is a pretty unique situation I haven't had to deal with - but my gut tells me the sooner and more regularly you get the arbitrator involved, the better.

By going that way, you might take the fear and drama out.  "Arbitration" won't be a threat or a mystery, it will be a real person - "Mrs. Smith" or whoever - who will probably be experienced and sensible.  (If not this could be a horrible idea and I'll deny I ever proposed it!)

Maybe if arbitration became something you do every few months, to handle important issues that come up, and assuming the arbitrator moves things in a good  direction - which means a sensible degree independence for your stepson - then maybe after a while his mom will and leave him alone.

What does the arbitration process involve?  :)oes it cost a lot or require travel to another city?  Or is it a low-key thing that can be presented as a helpful professional, not a big fight between the parents?  "You, your mom and I will meet with Mrs. Smith, and talk about riding your bike to work, and anything else that is important, and she'll help us figure out what makes most sense."

Another thought - leaving the arbitration issue aside - is that the big challenge here may be to help your stepson gain the skills and confidence to stand up to his mom, in a respectful and moderate way - not a fit - "You're not the boss of me!" - but listening to her, and to his father, and you, and others who care about him, and making good judgments, and informing his mom (and maybe sometimes his dad too), "I have decided to ride my bike to work when the weather is good, and when there's plenty of light, and I'd like you to support that."  It's only what all kids have to learn - and those of us who have someone with BPD in our lives have to learn it all over again when dealing with them as adults! - and it sounds like it's the path he's on, but it's a big bump in that path, and may take some good coaching from you and your husband.

Mom probably doesn't have the self-awareness and kindness to ever back off, so sooner or later it will be critical for your stepson to learn to deal with her.  Maybe that's a major strategy that you and your husband - and maybe the arbitrator too - will need to take on and work at for some period of time.

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks so much for your note Matt. It had some very important reminders that were very timely and helpful. First, we will remind SS20 to explain to his mom why he thinks he rides his bike safely (he always wears a helmet, he rides on bike paths most of the way, he doesn't ride on busy streets, etc.) Even if she doesn't hear him (he says she's told him she has made up her mind) it is good for him to learn to explain his position in a calm manner rather than just to not talk about it with her.

The second good reminder was that DH built in arbitration so that if his ex tried to block SS20 from doing things, there was a way to stop her. And if she continued to do it over and over there would be evidence that could be used so DH could apply for full guardianship. Also we know there is a chance she will try this and if she doesn't "win", she'll give up.

The other thing is, we have a good example of how this process has already worked. We can help SS20 see that this process is about making sure he has what he needs, not about fighting his mom.

While they were negotiating a guardianship agreement (imagine the fun as DH's ex fired mediator after mediator, changed her mind constantly, etc.) she sent an email to DH saying SS20 could no longer go to his T. So DH asked if they could used the mediator to test the arbitration model that was in the agreement. His ex eagerly agreed.

After listening to both sides, it was clear that SS20 needed to stay with this counselor. So the mediator made that declaration. It wasn't easy (DH had to steel himself to face his ex, and he had to come armed with facts so he could calmly explain why this was important for SS20. DH is going to remind SS20 of what happened.

They have never used the arbitrator now in place. DH's ex fired several mediators while developing the agreement and then refused to land on an arbitrator. She'd find something wrong with each one (even though she picked them all.) The arbitrator they have now is an ex-judge DH's ex found. He's very expensive but he does all his sessions on the phone or on Skype. He will meet with DH and his ex in one session, and then SS20 in a separate session. DH now has in place that neither of them can fire the arbitrator unless they both agree. He's got the same for firing SS20's counselor.

I realized we need to all stop thinking of this as a battle against her (or her disorder), and start using the process in place to help SS20. We'll help SS20 see that he can explain to his mom and then to the arbitrator why he thinks he rides safely. This has much more to do with him than with his mom.

So, thanks to you and Panda39 for your encouragement and ideas. Keep 'em coming if you have more!  I feel we are on a better path if they go ahead with arbitration.