Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:59:40 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Two problems I'm trying to cope with  (Read 366 times)
Lilibeth
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 195



« on: August 01, 2014, 09:24:06 PM »

Help needed.

There are two problems i'm trying to cope with:

1. I'm still losing my centre of gravity. My h has been trying to change after the last dreadful issue. I'll give him that, that he is trying. However, what is happening to me is that since i am so attuned to every nuance in his voice, every gesture - voluntary and involuntary - that he makes (like looking at me through the corner of his eye), every change in the way he speaks (he sends these really hurtful words straight to my core, or he'll go on repeating something, seemingly softly, but in reality it's hitting out at my error or some mistake i've made), every action of his (like he'll straighten out things i've already straightened, or he'll say something about something i did and which was not to his liking and that this is how i should do it), that when he starts on this - and now his tactic has changed - he says all these things in this quiet, silky way with a smile - even as i try to use all that i have learnt here and in fact do cope at the moment, i find my centre of gravity shifting and find myself going off into those areas that i never want to go into--the self-blame, what a fool i am etcetcetc... .

2. I know i have a lot of healing to do of myself... .i don't know how to. I read and with my head understand what i have to do, but when it comes to doing it for myself, i hit roadblocks like - how selfish am i being, i should be thinking of him, i don't come first, i have to see to it that he is comfortable or that everything is right for him... .

Please help me

Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Sugarlily
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: LDR
Posts: 51



« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2014, 07:35:52 AM »

I think the non-raging criticism is far harder to cope with than the angry raging. We know raging is wrong and not our fault, however the little dis, comments on how we could improve things and constant low level criticism are insidious and hurt on a deeper level. Most BPDs are very sensitive and so know the weak areas to gently probe until they have caused real pain and self doubt.

My bf rarely rages, but his constant complaints, comments, digs and criticisms really needle. He is very good at loaded comments that can be interpreted more than one way, so is quick to say I am being over sensitive or misunderstood him. This makes me doubt my own reality, which is not healthy.

Nor is it healthy for you. What can you do to look after yourself? Are there things you can do that ground you?

I work voluntarily for an international children's development charity, which in the end has become a form of self care as I know I am achieving something and contributing, it reminds I am not the selfish, uncaring person he insinuates I am.

I also have therapy which is hugely helpful in distinguishing which issues are mine and which are his. I've grown loads as a result of this and also feel a lot stronger and healthier when faced with his issues than I did a year ago. Could you organise some therapy for yourself? My therapist taught me some trauma release exercises which have really helped when he has been extra critical or thrown the silent treatment my way. If you google TRE you'll find some instructions for these which might help.

Look after yourself.
Logged
Lilibeth
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 195



« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2014, 10:15:12 PM »

Writing after a long time, though, Sugarlily, i had noted what you had said, and kept going back to it. Have been going through a really bad and dark patch.

You've described my husband, Sugarlily - this is exactly what he does. Not a moment - not one breath - when there is not something negative being directed at me, or at the world in general. Our home, right now is thick with negativity. I've tried to tell my husband that any negative word he says creates its own energies, and that itself is debilitating, not to mention the other dreadful effects. My weak spot is my daughter and this is where he hits out... .not in so many words, but very, very painfully. I'm slowly learning to just shut my ears internally, and once i get a grip, i tell myself what he is saying is not true... .and other things like this that help me get back my equilibrium.

I have made my daughter's room into my haven and retreat. That is where i spend most of my time when i am not looking after the household chores. I cannot go anywhere, or join any organisation without the whole world crumbling around me - he will not allow it - and even if he agrees, Sugarlily, he will go on and on and on till i leave... .so it is better i don't join anything. But, yes, i do write - i have my blog, and write wherever and whenever i can. I am also a freelance editor, so there are days when work comes in and then i'm busily happy. I also do a lot of craft work on my own - it helps ease the tension and stress in my mind. I have one very good and dear friend and we catch up once a week - and of course i am in touch with my daughter. Other than that, there are days when i neither see anyone or talk to anyone.

Thank you for telling me about TRE.

Thank you for caring, Sugarlily. One bad time passes, and i stand, only to find myself again falling from another. The only thing that runs as a steady hum through my mind is that i have to become independent, somehow, in my mind. For this, i come back again and again to this Family.

Hope you find peace, Sugarlily.

Lilibeth
Logged
Sugarlily
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: LDR
Posts: 51



« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2014, 05:32:09 AM »

Lilibeth I really feel for you, you sound in a really sad and difficult place at the moment. Please think about you and take care of yourself. It is good that you have a retreat room and hobbies to work on for yourself. I am lucky I don't live with my bf so my house remains my haven. Does he work or is he home all the time? Would you be able to go for a walk or a swim to give yourself a break? How do you feel about working through his temper tantrum over joining a club or group to do something positive with others?

I think I understand from your post that your daughter doesn't live with you, but he makes lots of critical comments about her. This is really hurtful. Is she also his daughter or from a previous relationship? I wonder if there is some jealousy of your relationship there, especially if he doesn't have children of his own. I would suggest putting some sort of boundary in place or use DEARMAN (not sure of link but you can search it on Family) to express how you feel about this and that you won't stand and listen to negative comments about your daughter. I don't have children for my bf to do this with, however he has a friend of many years who he used to do this with. She put a boundary in place about not listening to his negative comments on her children. Now he will say something critical to me and then say "But I am not allowed to say anything to S as she won't let me say anything about her family." It is really hard work as you have to keep sticking to boundary of leaving when he makes those comments and it will get worse at first because he won't like it and you will have taken back some control.

Try to do something nice for yourself today like a bath and a book or a walk or some time with your daughter or friend.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!