Reconciling after several affairs...

[Hope12345]

The back story can be read here in my intro: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229704.0

I have read numerous threads here and have actually gotten more from the board than my individual counseling, but I would like to specifically hear from those who are trying to reconcile after learning your BPDw has cheated on you throughout your relationship.  In my case, she began an affair even while in couples therapy working through other affairs.

To date, she appears to be gaining more insight into her behavior through individual therapy and is willing to share with me what she is learning about herself.  I told her this was critical as I am placing the responsibility on her to show me, not just tell me, that she is becoming a "better" person.  One thing we discussed is her therapist is trying to convince her she is not a horrible person, just someone who has done horrible things, and can only move forward.  I get that, but have expressed my feelings that a person is defined by their actions, so for now, I am holding my position that she needs to be a "better" person if we are to make this work.  We can't change the past but I will not just chalk it up to the past and move on.

I have been reading that I need to be careful with my need to find the "why".  We discussed this the other day and have decided that I am not going to go into couples therapy with a lot of "why" questions, turning it into an interrogation and causing her to shut down.  Instead, I told her what I needed her to help me understand what she did.  I understand her reasons may not be rational to me, or even her in hindsight, but I spent my career working with people who made bad decisions.  It is a common belief for me and my field that if you do not know what motivated the behavior, you will always be at a greater risk of repeating it.

To the partners who chose to reconcile, where did you start?  What did you begin to work on first?  Assuming your BPDw was open to therapy and was taking responsibility, what was the outcome?  I have read threads where the person just could not change but most, if not all, seemed to indicate from the beginning that the person was not willing to change, or willing to recognize their behavior as a problem.

Scrounging for hope here and will take what I can get.

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[Rapt Reader]

Hope12345, I'm really sorry you are having to deal with all of this; in my mind there are not too many more difficult things to overcome in a relationship than an infidelity. In my case, my Husband had just one affair since we've been married, but that one was a true love affair (he'd felt, after meeting her right before our 11th Anniversary, that he'd finally found his "soul mate" and that his marriage to me was a mistake) that lasted for 2.5 years. He gave her up after I kicked him out of the house, and he moved in with her and stayed there for about 3 months.

We never got legally separated, we had 2 little kids at the time and deep down when I kicked him out I really did want to reconcile eventually but let him think that I was ready to move on and have our marriage over. What helped me deal with our issues and the affair itself was the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is probably what saved our marriage--that and the feelings that I had that once he could see his indiscretion rationally then he would realize the mistake he made and come back to our marriage.

That is exactly what happened, and I needed to weigh my own pros and cons: Did I love him enough to take him back? Did I want to have a life with him that kept our family together? Could my feelings of being betrayed be overcome by my love for my Husband and my desire to have a good marriage, not just one where I would hold a grudge against him to use to browbeat him into always being the "best" he could be forevermore? Did my desire to move on to happiness and a freely loving relationship with him overcome my pain and need to feel continually aggrieved against him? Did my desire for a calm, peaceful and fun marriage outweigh my need to feel like the superior partner, fidelity-wise, on a continual basis?

The answers to those questions eventually became an unqualified "Yes!" (after a few years of muddling through the morass of my own hurt feelings and desire to be "right" and morally superior to my Husband), and eventually I moved past the initial begrudging forgiving stage to a wholeheartedly loving and peaceful forgiving place in my own heart and head. I started with the book I mentioned above, to learn about my own co-dependence on my Husband, and my own contributions to the circumstances that led to the affair.

I started with an open mind and open heart, to try to understand where his head and heart were at when all of that was going on. And then I worked on my own heart and head to get to the place of a type of non-grudging forgiveness that freed my love for him again, and gave him the space to move past his own guilt and shame, so that he could love me unfettered again. I found that as long as I held his affair against him, as a club to use when I wasn't happy with him going forward, his sadness and inability to overcome his own remorse affected the quality of our relationship. I didn't want to be that sour person who couldn't allow him to flourish with the ability to move past his indiscretions to get to a place of feeling proud of himself and his love for me again.

Today we have been married for 40 years (as of just a few months ago), my Husband loves to think of that accomplishment as a positive, wonderful thing in his life, and I like to think that we've made our way out of the morass that had threatened to consume both of us. We are better together, as a couple, than we would ever be, apart... .And I appreciate the value of that enough to move past the negative feelings I could have harbored and nurtured to my own soul's detriment... .

I would like to give you hope, Hope12345. It takes a lot of work on your own part as the "forgiver",  besides the work your wife has to do. It really does take two to make this work, but it can be done  

[Hope12345]

After a few individual therapy sessions I started to look closer at myself as opposed to her and what she did.  Began realizing that I do not like who I have become in this marriage.  Our couples therapist made a comment that she felt there was some codependency traits involved so I decided to take a look at Codependent No More.  I just finished chapter 5 and all I can say is "Wow".  So far the whole book has really hit home but the concept of detachment is an eye opener.

Thank you for mentioning it. 

[MissyM]

I am reconciling with my dBPDh and he has had multiple sexual infidelities.  It was not our entire relationship but a span of about 2 years.  My husband was first diagnosed as a sex addict, on top of his drug addiction, before being diagnosed with BPD.  It turns out that he was on an antidepressant that can cause sexual compulsivity during the entire time that he was cheating on me.  As a condition for me to stay in this marriage, my husband has to be treated for sex addiction.  He goes to meetings, individual therapy, group therapy and works with a sponsor.  I feel that since he has multiple addictions, which can be a symptom of BPD, that he needs to stay in recovery for me to stay married to him.  I don't know if your wife's affairs rise to the level of compulsion or addiction but it fits for my husband.  We have added in couples DBT therapy and he is on a new medication. 

I have the support of others that are dealing with sexually addicted spouses.  That has been immensely helpful to me.  There are several sex addicts that also have personality disorders, so there is a lot of understanding within the recovery groups.  I focus on my own codependency and changing my reactions within my marriage.