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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Unsure if its All Done  (Read 386 times)
calmboom

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 43



« on: August 02, 2014, 07:20:18 AM »

Hi  I'm struggling a bit with the uncertainty of the r/s with my uBPD BF.

Each year for the past 3 years, he pulls away, (usually after a wonderful summer trip), makes up a dramatic issue, says he's DONE and weeks later comes back and slowly we start again.

So here again, he gave 3 weeks ST, (the longest ST ever),surfaced rather standoffish to complete some promised work on my house twice, with more promised project work to come.  Other than that there has been no contact on either side.

We do not live together but he used to stay over a few times a week. His many personal belongings are all still at my house in the places they were left.  Shoes, boots, clothes, expensive tools and hardware, tolietries...   I am struggling to understand if he really ":)ONE" or just off on the yearly pull back.  I am fearful of asking about the items.  I have thought it over and would continue in the r/s even with the issues that we have.  I am getting into my own life but it eats at me to wonder what is happening with him and whether he will be back in some form.   I am attempting to move on as if he is unavailable.   Should I continue to let time pass with NC and see what happens or should I proactively inquire about the business of breaking up?  I have not packed up his things.  It is sometimes hard to pass them everyday at my house wondering... .
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

swiftkick

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 33



« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2014, 11:21:02 AM »

Hi calmboom,

I can relate to what you're going through, the limbo... .waiting to see what he will do so that you can figure out what the rest of your life will look like.  The advice I would give to any friend (even one not in a r/s with someone with BPD) is do your best not to leave your future up to his whims.  What are you willing to tolerate?  What can you live with?  What do you want for you?  He doesn't always hold all the cards, because you have a say in the outcome of your future as well.  Speaking from experiences, leaving it up to him will build resentment over time, and also sets the tone that you're ok with this in and out, no communication, and waiting for him to make a decision that affects your future.

Best wishes... .if you decide to give him his things back, be prepared for anger as well.  My stbxh HATED it when I sent his things to him, even if he initiated the break-up.  He felt like he was being erased from my life, when all I was trying to do was give my emotions a break by not having to see reminders of him every day.   
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ziniztar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



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« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2014, 09:33:17 AM »

Hi calmboom,

Sorry to read about those nasty recycles. They must be exhausting, especially if you've experienced them a few times already. I can see why you are in doubt on this.

All I know is that it doesn't help to think about it. That the only thing you control, the only thing you can do, and should do, is take care of yourself. Try to find some other activities that you used to enjoy but haven't done in a while. Take a bath, listen to some upbeat (or depressed if that helps you get through these moods) music. It can be frightening to 'give up' mentally, but you're not. You're only making sure that you're your own #1 priority and that anything else is secondary.

You've apparently made your choice - you wish to stay. That means that you're waiting for him to return, and there's nothing you can really do to influence that. If it helps, take away his stuff and put them in a box so you don't have to see them anywhere.

 good luck, fill us in on how the story continues will you? 
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Inquisitive1
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 230



« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2014, 09:44:28 AM »

Consider setting a boundary. How long is long enough to wait for him to contact you? If hasn't contacted you in another month, week, year, what will you do?

My momma always said to never pursue a distancer--someone putting distance between themselves and you. There's truth in that. On the other hand, reaching out to him and asking if and when he plans to reach out to you again might give a nudge to start.

Boxing up the things or moving them out of your daily sight might be a good first step to making life better for you.
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