Suggesting Therapy before Return to work.

[Inquisitive1]

My wife was having a nervous break down this summer, got diagnosed with BPD, and took a leave of absence from work to get herself together. Things have been much better. The leave will be over soon. I want to suggest she see a therapist individually to strategize about how she will cope with returning to work.

This She has attended a couple of group therapy sessions. She mentioned the possibility of attending individual sessions late last week. So, I think I'll say something like, "It might be good for you to see the therapist and talk about how to cope with going back to work."

Looking for feedback on this.

For a more complete picture of my situation, read my intro thread here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230100.0

This is the first paragraph of that thread:

"I've been married 22 years. There have been good and bad times. About 8 years ago, I was ready to leave my wife, but she quit drinking. The last year-and-a-half have been full of stressors. Her father died spring 2013. Summer-Fall of 2013 our eldest son struggled with addiction, withdrew from his first semester of college, and was institutionalized for suicidal thoughts (no attempt). During this time, my wife became increasingly incapable of coping. Her work situation got bad. She was paranoid, the slightest criticism would send her into an emotional dive or a rage. The frequency and intensity of emotional outbursts accelerated. Her psychiatrist told her she had BPD, and she was brave enough to tell me. The frequency and intensity of outbursts continued to increase. Finally, after repeated coaxing from me, she took a leave of absence from work a few weeks ago. "

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Inquisitive1,

starting and stopping work is an objectively stressful event (as is spouse start/stops   ) www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale so it may be a good idea to have someone to support her during that period.

[DreamFlyer99]

hey Inquisitive1!

I wish I knew the right way to go about suggesting individual therapy to your wife. My husband isn't diagnosed but has plenty of the traits, and he was stubbornly resistant about therapy. But it does seem like at least when it's about going back to work it's not about the two of you and that could be a more palatable way to introduce it.

I know and you know that it would likely help her, but she's gotta know it.

What is she saying about how she feels about going back to work?

I know that a lot of my husband's anxiety about work was about how people treated him, and so I guess that circled back to his own unsteady self-view. He does seem happier with himself now that he's starting to understand his self-worth more.

df

[Inquisitive1]

When she initially mentioned the possibility of attending individual therapy... .

--On the inside I was like yes, yes, yes, please, please, you must, it would be the best for all of us. God, how do i get this woman to do this.  etc. etc. etc... .

--On the outside I said only, "that might be a good idea, I think it could help you cope with work." And I haven't said anything since then.

Before reading some of the stuff here and in books, I would have said much more of the stuff I was thinking. But, I'm realizing more and more that I have to give her the space to come up with the idea on her own. And try not to give too much advice.

Just a little while ago she casually dropped that she had made an appointment for individual therapy. Awesome!

This shutting up thing is really working for me. 

[Inquisitive1]

PS. I think framing it around work was  brilliant idea, thanks an0ught.

Now i'm thinking of asking her if she thinks she should extend her Leave of Absence from work. I think it would be good for her to have a bit more time to get herself together. On the other hand, she's going a bit stir crazy being around the house all the time... .she likes to work.

[an0ught]

Now i'm thinking of asking her if she thinks she should extend her Leave of Absence from work. I think it would be good for her to have a bit more time to get herself together. On the other hand, she's going a bit stir crazy being around the house all the time... .she likes to work.

My doctor when I mentioned my wife staying possibly longer out of work said that after a certain time, maybe half a year getting back becomes harder but looking at this summer you're not there yet. If you can get external support for her before that it would be great. Would also allow you to be more husband than life support and help on that front too.

[maxsterling]

A healthy person would do the work on him or herself (for the sake of his or her own well being only) before attempting something that may cause further distress or hurt towards others.

Most up us take a time to process after a breakup before jumping back into the dating world again.

Most of us after losing a job take time to understand why and boost our skill set before jumping back into the work force.

Most of us are cautious after bad things happen to us, and take it easy after we have been sick.

We do these things as a part of learning from our mistakes and protecting ourselves against future hurt.  pwBPD, I've noticed, tend to not do this.  They seem to see no point in doing something unless there is a clear and quick result.  They see their problem as a lack of a job, or a lack of a dating partner as causing their distress.  They are uncomfortable in their own skin, and want relief.  Your wife probably thinks jumping back in to the work force will make her feel valid again.  And it may, for awhile. 

My fiancé went through this.  Had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized at the end of last summer and has not worked again until today (first day back).  She couldn't even keep up a 3 hour per week volunteer job.  I wished she would have taken the past 9 months while on disability to work on herself.  And by that I mean take advantage of all the therapy made available to her, pursued hobbies and interests, and figured out what she really wanted in life.  And I wished she went back to work slowly - part time - just to see if she could handle the stress.

But, she didn't do that.  She sat on the sofa, and watched tv, each day in her head she felt more and more worthless.  And it came out in rages and self-harm.  All she could think about is how much she hates herself, how worthless she is for having no job, no family, no children.  It finally occurred to me that she is incapable of understanding and taking the steps to get to the reward.  If the reward isn't guaranteed, she has no motivation.  So, she jumped back into work full bore - why?  Because at 38 she feels her time is running short and needs to earn as much as she can.  And the result is likely to be another nervous breakdown in a few weeks. 

So yes, I think your wife needs therapy before returning to work, or the same bad thing will happen again.  I'm glad she is recognizing this herself, because as you have learned forcing her or suggesting it to her is very likely to backfire. 

[Inquisitive1]

My wife and I have been getting along so much better for the last week or two. I've really enjoyed it. I attribute it to her leave of absence and efforts in therapy. As well as my own efforts at self-improvement here and reading the Eggshells book. Really enjoyed it... .

The ride is likely to get bumpier when she gets back to work. But i guess I'll take it one day at a time. That's outside my control. Enjoy this while it's happening and try not to worry too much about the future.

Earlier today, I mentioned it would be o.k. for her to extend her leave, but she didn't seem interested.

My wife likes to hide in her room and watch TV and nap. But she has done some therapy, taken some steps, seems more aware that she has limitations... .oh well, we'll see.

[DreamFlyer99]

This shutting up thing is really working for me. 

My biggest struggle by far!