dBPDw--Telling the kids

[Inquisitive1]

My wife was diagnosed earlier this year during a very difficult time for her and the family. She told me and one child b/c she saw us shortly after receiving the dx, but never told the other child. Both are teenagers capable of benefiting from this knowledge. I think knowing the dx could give them insight which would help them interact with her day-to-day and with their longer-term social/emotional growth.

I'm looking for pointers on how bring this up with her. Maybe something simple and to the point like, "As I recall, you told child1 about your diagnosis. Did you ever tell child2?" I guess I'd want to set it up with something like, "There's something that's been on my mind that I'd like to discuss."

After that, it's fine with me if she tells him or I do... .though I'd want to know when it happened so I could discuss it with them.

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[survivalmode27]

I am not an expert, but here is my opinion:   I think you should approach her about it first and if she does not respond or responds poorly then maybe you have a talk with the child privately.

I think it is important that the children know so it does not cause problems in their lives down the road. Mine are too young now, but someday we will have that conversation.

Good Luck!

[ziniztar]

Thuis sounds like a job for SET or maybe even Dearman. Search for topics with these communication techniques. Be careful, it's very easy to invalidate. ":)id you ever tell child #2?" can already be interpreted as an insult...

Good luck

[flowerpath]

Hi, Inquisitive1.   I also have questions and concerns about discussing this with my children.  Right above your  post is a search bar where you can enter a topic and search the BPD Family site for it.  I did a search for “telling the children about BPD” and found several older threads on the topic that were helpful to me.

[Inquisitive1]

I think DEARMAN is more applicable than SET, since I will be initiating the conversation.

I agree, "did you tell child2?" sounds judgmental. Maybe I should go with. "As I recall you told child1 about your diagnosis. I think we should tell child2." To be honest, the idea of having this conversation is making me nervous. But I believe it must be done.

In this thread... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140896.0

... .it is suggested to discuss the behaviors and not put a label on it. Since labels can be stigmatizing. I like that, but my situation seems a bit different.

My kids are older and child1 has already been told, it seems unfair that child 2 is the only one in the family without the knowledge. Our family therapist specifically suggested that child2 should be told.

I also think there is value in knowing that you mom has a mental illness and learning about the specifics of that illness. Knowing that it is a thing helps organize your thoughts and approaches. I also thinking knowing can maybe help heal some of the damage done.

I'm going to read more of that thread later

[waverider]

"I cant remember whether you decided to discuss this with child 2 or not, what did you want to do?"

that way you are questioning yourself and then asking her what she wants to do. That is, not challenging her, then validating her right to express her opinion.

[Inquisitive1]

That's really good Waverider, thanks.

If she says why should we do that, I think I'll mention two things:

1) He's the only one in the family not told.

2) Knowing about it has really helped me be more supportive of her. She was told at one point i read books.

I'm not sure where I'll go if she says no, but I think she'll say yes. She's often brave like that. If she says no, I certainly won't argue with her about it. Maybe come back here from more strategizing.

[waverider]

Just planting ideas then letting them sit for a while, and not try to persuade, is often good as it doesn't trigger auto defensive reaction. There is no immediate rush after all.

A good reason for her to tell him is that way she will be able to give him proper explanation rather than it coming indirect from the other child. (Thats putting her in control). It doesn't matter if she gives him a colored version. Once its out in the open you can discuss it with him privately later if need be.

Truth is kids dont need accuracy, just being told somethings wrong and its got a name.

[bpbreakout]

BPDw was diagnosed with BP2 a few years ago and we took kids (9 & 7 at the time) to a family therapist and explained it to them. It was easier because bipolar in some ways is more focused on brian function whereas BPD is more about who you are. It's turned out the diagnosis wasn't quite right but at least there was an explaination for Mum's erratic and abusive behaviour afrom an early agend that took some of the blame off them. The problem with it was that Mum's behaviour carried out largely as before (tempered by medication) and we all made exuses for her because she supposedly couldn't help the outbursts as she was BP2. Now the diagnosis is BPD/BP2/ADHD/PTSD and the situation is more complex and it's clear BPDw's behaviour is a lot more controllable that I had thought. BPDw's line is that the BP2 diagnosis is "wrong" but as you might expect expect from pwBPD that's as far as it goes. Whilst children are fully aware that Mum has issues which are not their fault, I believe she owes the children an explaination as they are both worried about inheriting BP2. It's better if she does it though I think it's going to have to be me which I'm find with.

As your child2 is a teenage they have a right to know a lot if not all about what's been going on with their Mum. I'm wondering if it's worth a one on one with your teen and focussing on the relevant BPD issues without actually "naming" it. Whatever the case they have a right to know.

[Inquisitive1]

The parallels continue to build. My wife was diagnosed with depression 6 or so years ago and has been on meds since then. For much of that time I'd thought she was bipolar because of the sudden emotional outbursts. After being told about BPD, it took a while for me to accept, I held on to bipolar for a while. But now that I have accepted BPD, it has really given me helpful insights.

I agree, child2 needs to know. When the time is right, I will ask my wife "I can't remember whether you decided to tell child2 or not. How do you want to handle that?"

That may not happen for a while because my wife is not coping well with her impending return to work. For now, I think I need to focus my conversations with her on supporting and helping her return to work.

In the mean time, I'll try to talk to my son about some of the symptoms.

[Inquisitive1]

So, I still haven't talked to my wife about telling child2. This never seems to rise to the top of the priority list. For now I'm focusing on dealing with out finances and getting her to improve her self care.

I have talked a little bit to child2 about her having a mental illness. I think I'll try to talk to him a bit more about the emotional dysregulation and how that leads to black & white thinking and strong emotional reactions.

[formflier]

So, I still haven't talked to my wife about telling child2. This never seems to rise to the top of the priority list. For now I'm focusing on dealing with out finances and getting her to improve her self care.

I have talked a little bit to child2 about her having a mental illness. I think I'll try to talk to him a bit more about the emotional dysregulation and how that leads to black & white thinking and strong emotional reactions.

Are you able to discuss the diagnosis with your wife.  Or discuss her treatment.  One reason to start discussing it more is that then it doesn't become "shocking" to bring it up. 

This can be brought up in a helpful way... .what can I do to help?  How did it go today at the T (assuming she goes). 

Do you think this would work with your wife?

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks formflier. We are able to talk about her diagnosis, even joke around about it sometimes. Other times she gets defensive. I've waited so long to ask her about telling the second child, it feels awkward now. Not sure how to proceed.

For now, I'll look for an opportunity, keeping in mind the wording suggested by Waverider: "I can't remember if you told child 2. How do you want to handle that?"

[formflier]

Thanks formflier. We are able to talk about her diagnosis, even joke around about it sometimes. Other times she gets defensive. I've waited so long to ask her about telling the second child, it feels awkward now. Not sure how to proceed.

For now, I'll look for an opportunity, keeping in mind the wording suggested by Waverider: "I can't remember if you told child 2. How do you want to handle that?"

Yep... that's a good idea and a good way of wording it.

I wonder if there is a principle involved here that needs to be thought of.  There is a medical diagnosis in the house... .it shouldn't be hidden.  Needs to be talked about in a matter of fact way.  Nobody is good or bad because of it... .it just is.

Approaching it that way... .might lessen the awkwardness.  

Just like someone with heart disease doesn't need to be offered certain things to eat... .same with BPD... .there are certain things that are helpful... .and some that are not.

Thoughts?

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks formflier, I really like that way of thinking about it. I am starting to think about this way myself. And I totally agree with transparency.

[formflier]

Thanks formflier, I really like that way of thinking about it. I am starting to think about this way myself. And I totally agree with transparency.

I would try this kind of thinking with the pwBPD first... .don't tie it to telling anyone or doing anything.  Just try to increase openness.  I think you will get a better feel for things. 

Is there a "rush" to tell the other kid... .or just something that needs to get done? 

[Inquisitive1]

I wish I'd brought this up around the time the diagnosis entered our lives, that would have been natural/logical. Ah well, hind sight is 20/20.

There's no rush, this is just something that needs to be done at some point. Knowing the diagnosis has helped me have empathy for my wife when she acts out and also helped me manage our relationship better. I think both my sons could benefit from this as well. Plus, it may help them cope with situations better to understand that the rages she directed at them were not about them.

So now I have two ways to open the conversation if/when I see the opportunity.

1) I can't remember if you told child 2... .

2) There is a medical diagnosis in the house and we should be open about it... .

[Crumbling]

Phew.  Heavy stuff.

Is it possible that child1 has already told child2?  My kids are super close, and they rarely have secrets from each other.  Could that be a reason for bringing it up?  "We need tell child2 before child1 does."  This approach may avoid any more procrastination.

The second thought that pops up is how kids internalize everything.  Could child2 be feeling guilt because of 'causing' mom's unpredictable reactions?  Could that be another reason for the discussion?  Knowledge breeds understanding.  He has a right to the same knowledge as everyone else in the family.

That being said, it's likely wise of you to approach one topic, or issue at a time.  I can tell when my BPDh fogs over and begins to feel overwhelmed, and having to deal with a number of things at once is hard on him because of the way he beats himself up (emotionally, I mean).   One of our favourite sayings is "The only way to eat an entire elephant is one spoonful at a time."  BPD is one big elephant to swallow!

Sending you wisdom and courage, c. 

[bpbreakout]

I'm wondering how you are going with this inquisitive.

FYI, I was talking to D15 about some very difficult issues in BPDw's FOO last night. It gave me the opportunity to talk to D15 about what things might have been like for BPDw as a child and how that had indirectly affected the way BPDw has treated d15. One example was that BPDw had grown up in a family that never listened to each other,  put each other down & were overly competitive and that I thought that had had a major impact on the way BPDw treats d15. I often get really annoyed at the way BPDw treats d15 but at that moment I felt a lot of empathy for both of them so it was appropriate to be honest about BPDw's behavior and empathatic to d15 at the same time. The "diagnosis" lurking in the background in this situation is that BPDw grew up in a classically disfunctional familiy with NPD father and BPD mother and BPDw has a diagnosis as well - there was no need to mention a diagnosis to make the conversation very worthwhile.

[Inquisitive1]

Crumble, child1 may have told child2. I'm not sure about that. And that possibility is a good reason for bringing it up. Though I have some concern the dBPDw might confront child1 in negative way... .Your point about "kids internaliz[ing]" things is why I'm not letting this go, though I'm patient and will take my time.

Bp, my wife has plenty of family of origin (FOO) issues, primarily an heavily alcoholic father and a very chaotic childhood. And, she has discussed these with the kids, even attributing some of her behaviors to that. So, I'll continue to have those sorts of conversations while I await the opportunity to bring up revealing the diagnosis to child2, which will happen at some point, even if it is a year or two from now.