Constantly testing me on his freedom in the relationship

[ziniztar]

It's only until today that I've realized this: my dBPDbf is constantly testing his freedom in the relationship. When he's out he'll ask me things like:

- until when is it acceptable for you to wait?

- until what time am I welcome? (please note the annoying question as me giving a time also entails he is no longer welcome at a certain time in the evening )

It drives me NUTS as I don't want to be the parent and tell him at what time he has to be in. But everytime I express him my desire, need, wish, whatever, he'll act like a small child that doesn't get his way. He makes me feel I am keeping him in on a Saturday night and act all victimlike. When he asks me what time to get home after work and I say 'just come home after, I wouldn't really like it if you would go alone to that party' he will answer very ressentfully 'yeah I already figured that and will come home immediately'. Please bear in mind I've offered him to go to his work and go to the party together - so it's NOT the party I'm withholding him. It's a very self-destructive mode and no answer from my side will be good.

Anyone any thoughts on boundaries I could create on these? When he acts like this it makes me feel very

- undesirable, he will always place other people, things and activities above spending time with me

- parentified, as If I'm the grown up having to make his decisions, I hate it

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[123Phoebe]

It's only until today that I've realized this: my dBPDbf is constantly testing his freedom in the relationship. When he's out he'll ask me things like:

- until when is it acceptable for you to wait?

- until what time am I welcome? (please note the annoying question as me giving a time also entails he is no longer welcome at a certain time in the evening )

It drives me NUTS as I don't want to be the parent and tell him at what time he has to be in. But everytime I express him my desire, need, wish, whatever, he'll act like a small child that doesn't get his way. He makes me feel I am keeping him in on a Saturday night and act all victimlike. When he asks me what time to get home after work and I say 'just come home after, I wouldn't really like it if you would go alone to that party' he will answer very ressentfully 'yeah I already figured that and will come home immediately'. Please bear in mind I've offered him to go to his work and go to the party together - so it's NOT the party I'm withholding him. It's a very self-destructive mode and no answer from my side will be good.

Anyone any thoughts on boundaries I could create on these? When he acts like this it makes me feel very

- undesirable, he will always place other people, things and activities above spending time with me

- parentified, as If I'm the grown up having to make his decisions, I hate it

Hi ziniztar,

I wonder if he's testing your boundaries, not so much his freedom

Something that might help for him to receive what you're saying easier is to keep it neutral, so maybe switch it around by saying, "I'm not sure, hmmm... The party starts at 7:30, so... .  How long do you think it will take for us to get there?  Maybe if we leave by 6:45"?

Stay away from the landmines   Telling him in so many words that he's already thinking about not going together, puts the thought in his mind that maybe it's not such a bad idea

Be confident and believe in yourself and him!

[Cat21]

Hi ziniztar,

I wonder if he's testing your boundaries, not so much his freedom

I've dealt with this issue as well, Ziniztar, and Phoebe- that makes sense to me! I hadn't thought about him testing my boundaries until very recently. My uBPDh rarely goes out with his friends anymore because he insists that I won't let him. This is not true; most of the time, I don't even know he's been invited to do something social. He uses me as a scapegoat. In fact, a few weeks ago, a friend of his told me that they (some of his friends) think I have him on a short leash because he never goes out anymore. I took the opportunity to set the record straight- in front of my husband. Whenever my H is invited out to do something social, he always asks for my "permission". It drives me nuts, too! In addition, when I go out with my friends on my own, he'll say something like "Have an awesome time and don't worry about being home too early! You deserve to have a good time. I just wish you gave me the same respect when I'm out with my friends". *Bang head against wall*

[ziniztar]

Cat21, I'm rereading this post and remember I had to laugh a lot when I read your *bang head against the wall*. I can really relate to the feeling. Sometimes it can be funnyish, mostly it's not.

123Phoebe, thanks for that insight. I think I'm doing better already, although I have to add his testing has ended for now. I know it will probably return but hey, we'll see when we get there.

Got a 2nd T session today and heard it will be covered by insurance for the first few sessions - yay. Makes me feel very calm in my head .

[pallavirajsinghani]

Well, how about this:

Him:  "I am going out with friends.  Until what time can I stay out?"

You:  "Honey, you are an adult.  You do whatever you want to.  It is my responsibility to handle my own emotions and my own reaction to your decisions."

To me this defines adulthood and mutual responsibility.  Neither of you is now being put in the potential role of a parent-child/victim-victimiser/controlled-controller/abused-abuser.

Both are responsible for their own decisions, actions and feelings.   

Easier said than done... .however thought process similar to this is a good beginning I think, towards a mutually satisfying relationship.

[ziniztar]

Okay... I can see that working and I understand the process. However, in a healthy relationship people also listen to each other's needs right? How does that fit into the mix? In this particular example he had been gone for over a week and I really wanted a quiet night together before diving into another workweek.

I should just let him do what he wants and hope for him to spend time with me?

And if that's not enough, end the r/s?

[hergestridge]

These days I post on the leaving board, but I just thought I'd chime in, because this rings a bell. Every time my wife would be going out with friends (or rather with her work) she couldn't stop talking about how difficult it was going to be for her to come home early, how impossible it was going to be find a cab and how she was possibly be going to have to spend the night somewhere. She was talking about this weeks in advance. She was talking about this as if I had asked her to come home early, which I had not.

It always ended with me losing my patience and telling her that she could come home any f*king time she wants, to which her standard reply was that it all was "beyond her control". Due to social norms she was expected to go to the party and for practical reasons she had to come home late or possibly the next day! It was like a fixation which she insisted on discussing.

In hindsight I think she was trying to make room for anything that could happen. If the party would be fun she wanted to stay the night and if it was boring she wanted to come home early. She was seriously fixated with the "having fun" (an almost mythlogical state in her world), and in case that "fun" would occur she would not let anything get in her way, definately not something as boring as family, considering her psychiatric medication, her relationship or her health.

Sometimes I tried to argue with her. That I basically never drink and I always come home early in consideration to her. Nothing in the world made her more angry, and when I said that she always resonded that I ":)idn't want her to have fun".