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Author Topic: living own life without leaving BPDH?  (Read 407 times)
survivalmode27
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married
Posts: 130



« on: August 04, 2014, 11:32:27 AM »

So I have come clean with the fact that my husband is not ever going to change. That is a hard pill to swallow, but I have. I am the typical caretaker role, but have a pretty high self esteem considering it has been beaten down in my 14 years with my BPH.

I am ready to take my life back. do social things that I enjoy doing. I am having a problem with this part for two reasons. I know he will try to kill me with guilt. Which I do not feel guilty about doing/going. But we have children. And I do feel guilty about leaving them with him. For many reasons. So do I just get a babysitter every time? Without even consulting him?

Next issue- is it likely that I will rejoin society and he will not, putting even more space between us?

I really do not want to divorce him. Main reason is because of my hope that we can be a functional family. And maybe even someday a functional marriage. Or do I just need to give that up as well?
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bpbreakout
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« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2014, 06:29:52 PM »

When our children were younger we had similar issues. I used to go out on Thurday night once or twice a month thern BPDw took up singing which was also on Thursdays nights. For various reasons Thursday is the best week night to do things with friends & weekends are more family/couple times. I would try to plan this in advance by organising a babysitter if we were both going to be out but she wouldn't commit to going to her singing until the very blast minute or complained about the cost of the babysitter. This obviously made it difficult or impossible to make any commitments. Of course if there was no babysitter and I had arranged to go out I would then get the whole guilt thing thrown at me about BPDw not being able to sing - classic BPD double bind. In the end on the advice of a therapist I went ahead and did what I had to do and organised a babysitter when I had something planned. There were a couple of times when the babysitter came for nothing (ie I was out and BPDw was home looking after the kids) but at the end of the day the babysitter didn't mind & it wasn't the end of the world.

Regarding space I find the more I interact with other people and I have the chance to be "myself" rather then being the caretaker then the better I can deal with BPDw's behavior. Now the children are in high school I do a few more things (mainly sport and volunteering) and it has made me much happier in myself. Yes we do have more space (possibly too much) between us and yes we do not argue as much, yes the family does function better than it used to and yes I'm personally happier that way. I'm not sure whether we will stay together in the long term but for the time being I'm ok.
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maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2014, 06:53:46 PM »

I can certainly see where you would feel like you are leading separate lives.  After all, boundaries, emotional detachment, taking care of ourselves, and timeouts are tools that we adopt when trying to make a BPD relationship work.  And those certainly can feel like we are going at this alone. 

My feeling is that the healthiest marriages are ones where each person remains a separate identity, with separate interests and separate friends.  The couples that do "everything" together just never seem functional or happy to me.  That means occasionally taking separate trips for a few days, such as one person taking a trip to visit his/her family while the other stays home to work or watch the kids.  To me, that is healthy.  It shows trust, security, and love.  I'm not saying completely separate lives - that's not healthy either.  But a few nights a week perusing personal interests is probably good for the relationship. 

Right now, I'd love to have that kind of relationship where she has hobbies or activities that occupy her a few nights a week, and I have the same.  But a few nights a week, we can stay in and watch TV together, go out for a nice dinner together, catch a show, and be a couple.  After all, those are the roles we would have should we have children.  One parent may be taking the kid to soccer practice while the other is making dinner. 

I'd suggest trying to find some middle ground.  Do your own thing as you need to do, but suggest certain nights of the week as "date nights".  I'm guessing that if you do some things on your own, he will react and guilt trip at first, but after awhile that may encourage him to do things on his own.  And maybe, just maybe, that will encourage him to want to do things with you. 
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survivalmode27
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2014, 09:50:39 AM »

Thank you for the response that does help. I will just arrange for a babysitter that way there is no reason for the guilt.

I am just new to this way of thinking, but just so ready to get out of our current dynamic. I read posts on here about how hurt people are and fired up about it. I feel bad for the other people, but at the same time a little glad that I am past that point.

I feel like I am already divorcing instead of staying in the relationship by taking this approach. I am afraid that just being a little more me and not having the heartbreak of being let down by my BPDH may not be enough. I want somebody to share my life with. I want somebody to love me.

I guess I just have to take baby steps. See how my changes affect the relationship/family and overall happiness. Patience! Thanks again for the advice.
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joshbjoshb
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 241


« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2014, 08:30:21 PM »

Oh, you are looking for love... .well this board is mainly for those who are committed, not those who get love. We choose to stay for various reasons, but I wonder how many will list "because my spouse love me" as one of them. Perhaps they do, but they are very bad at showing it... .

I stay because of my children, and because that I made a commitment, and just because I found out she is not well - I should abandon her... .
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