This is very common…it shows up all the time on these boards.
Experts who view BPD as a attachment disorder, view comings and goings as key times for insecurities to crop up, and nighttime and it’s movement toward sleep when we are unconscious and very vulnerable, stimulates fear in a lot of folks who are insecurely attached. (they feel unteathered and fearful but they don’t know why…they just complain and get agitated a lot and start ’stuff’ to avoid being left alone in sleep…much like a kid who keeps asking for a glass of water or starts a fight at midnight…it gets you to stay with them). Insecurely attached children often have a lot of trouble ‘letting go’ and going to sleep or making transitions of coming and going…and this can move on into adulthood, it just shows up as the ‘adult’ version and is very frustrating.
How to help?
Some find its useful to have secure attachment rituals around these times b/c like with small children, it’s soothing and the structure of attachment ritual is comforting. The more rituals the better…for example, it’s a good idea to greet your partner with a hug and a kiss and say their name and make eye contact with a smile when you reunite at the end of the day every day, etc. This stimulates a sense of safe attachment.
As for bedtime...
Rituals could include attempts to go to bed at the same time together, or if separately we still ‘tuck each other in’ meaning there’s some kind of attachment connection that is routinely made, a hug, an I love you, sweet dreams…etc. If there’s a lot of chaos or no set rituals for winding down while staying securely attached... these folks can get pretty ramped-up.
She's really much like a child, Irritable when she is tired, just woken up, and hungry.
Yes…I think many adults actually have these same feeling states for the same reasons…but if you have BPD…then by definition you aren’t managing your ‘feeling states’ well so it becomes more problematic.
You might check out Stat Tatkin’s work; he specialized in working with personality disorders and has created couples therapy targeted to folks with insecure attachment styles.
Of course, alcohol or other distractions can wreck havoc with this, too.
Good luck!
