I am a Newbie

[jochun3]

Hello everyone.  My partner is BPD and every so often he sees me in a different light.  I was a special person for 3 or 4 months.  For the last few days, I was seen to him as a no good person and he even voiced "who could love you?".   These things happen over the slightest remarks I make.  Then he turns on me and removes himself from everything we used to do. He gives me the silent treatment.  He got over it quick this time, so he is making some progress.  It only took him 3 days as opposed to the usual weeks or months.  I don't feel as bad as I used to, seeing that he can't help himself and I actually feel he has been abandoned in his eyes.  Once again, from his childhood trauma, I suppose.  He never says he's sorry.  Expects me to, but I don't as much anymore and I notice that when he comes back he is plastic for a while and not animated.  It takes him a while to become acclimated to the relationship again, I guess until he gains trust again.  I am just afraid of the next down ride and when it will happen again.

I hope I can continue to feel better about this relationship and begin to see more progress with his emotions.  My main focus will be to watch that I do not get depressed or emotionally down from all this roller coasting.  Glad to be with others who face the same dilemma.  Thanks for the warm welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, jochun3 & 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with your partner's withdrawal of loving emotions and affection, and I do know what you are dealing with, as does every other member of this Board (and of this site!). It really hurts when someone we love all of a sudden--seemingly out of nowhere--turns on us and seems to become someone else. Yuck 

Have you ever read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It really gives a great overview of how our own emotions get triggered and caught up in our partner's behaviors and emotions, and shows how to disengage from that in order to help things not escalate further. Another very good book that can help you is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D. If you click on that link, you will find other books that would be helpful for your situation.

These books won't teach you how to eliminate Silent Treatments, but they will help you not get tangled up in them to the point of feeling "less than" or even unloved. Also, if you check out every link to the right-hand side of this page, you will also learn some new communication skills and techniques that might help you avoid or shorten these types of episodes.

I have to say, our loved ones with BPD think and feel differently than we do, and that is something that is hard to change (unless they get treated for it and decide they would like to change... .and then, it does take time for them to make those changes). But what you can do is change the way you understand his thinking, and then change the way you interact with him. And once you do that, it is likely he will change the way he interacts with you, and things can actually get better... .at least a bit, anyway. And sometimes, things can get a lot better.

How long have the 2 of you been together? Do you live together? Has he actually be diagnosed? Has he ever been in Therapy? Have you ever considered counseling in order to get a better handle on all of this? There will be ways for you to not get depressed or dragged down by your partner's behavior... .The books I mentioned and the links to the side of this page will be able to help you with that, and reading the threads on this Board will also help. And by telling us more of your story, and asking your questions, you will also glean some insights that can help you get to that point... .I'm glad you found us, jochun3 

[ziniztar]

 

Not much time, just wanted to let you know you've come to a good place, with lots of answers, comfort, some hope, and people that are in the same situation.