pwBPD: If you do <X> for me, I will love you

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD wife is trying to get me to agree to some sort of post-nup?, where I agree to commingle my inheritance, should my father, G-d forbid, pass away.  I would get a nice inheritance if that were to happen.  She's afraid of my father setting up some sort of trust that could never be divided up in divorce and she wouldn't get any of it.

In her words, she says it would be as if I "... .pledged my unconditional, undying love to her" if I did this post-nup deal. 

It sounds like a nice deal, but I don't like it for the following reasons:

1.  Her love for me is conditional upon me doing something specific for her.  That's warped.

2. She may change temporarily (if I'm lucky), but the underlying disorder still remains and will rear its ugly head again.  There will be some other slight or some thought in her head that will set her off and will make her think that I hate her.

Any advice?  Thanks.

[startrekuser]

My BPD wife is trying to get me to agree to some sort of post-nup?, where I agree to commingle my inheritance, should my father, G-d forbid, pass away.  I would get a nice inheritance if that were to happen.  She's afraid of my father setting up some sort of trust that could never be divided up in divorce and she wouldn't get any of it.

In her words, she says it would be as if I "... .pledged my unconditional, undying love to her" if I did this post-nup deal. 

It sounds like a nice deal, but I don't like it for the following reasons:

1.  Her love for me is conditional upon me doing something specific for her.  That's warped.

2. She may change temporarily (if I'm lucky), but the underlying disorder still remains and will rear its ugly head again.  There will be some other slight or some thought in her head that will set her off and will make her think that I hate her.

Any advice?  Thanks.

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[byfaith]

Hi startrekuser 

It seems like you answered your own question in your points 1 and 2.

In my mind I am saying I would not do it. Your advice to yourself sounds pretty good. Many times though I give my self good advice and have a hard time following through.

Best wishes on what you are dealing with

[startrekuser]

Hi startrekuser 

It seems like you answered your own question in your points 1 and 2.

In my mind I am saying I would not do it. Your advice to yourself sounds pretty good. Many times though I give my self good advice and have a hard time following through.

Best wishes on what you are dealing with

Yes, I answered my own question, but how do I tell her?  What should be my reasons?  I can't tell the truth or that will set her off.  Then again, her reaction is out of my control.

[byfaith]

but how do I tell her?  What should be my reasons?  I can't tell the truth or that will set her off.  Then again, her reaction is out of my control.

that is what I battle everyday, just different issues

[byfaith]

sorry I don't have the quote thing down yet  , I'll figure it out

[maxsterling]

Congratulations, startrekuser, you've just been trapped    On the positive side, it's happened to all of us, probably over and over and over.  So we know how you feel.

On one hand, you can choose to agree with her.  If there was actually a chance in that agreeing with her she would love you unconditionally and the BPD would be banished forever, I could see going along with it.  Even if the chance of that actually happening was 25%, those would be good odds for such a big return!  But you know as well as I do (from experience) that the game pwBPD play is one of moving goal posts.  She will be happy for a time.  And after awhile it will be the next test you must pass to prove unconditional love.  I think my personal list of doing xyz in order to make her happy would be 100 items long, and not a single one has changed a single thing in the long run. 

On the other hand, you can say "no" and to her that proves you don't love her or don't trust her.  There's no chance of her seeing things rationally here.  A dysregulation and rage is almost a guarantee.  Make sure you have a comfortable sofa 

Seriously, I'm not sure how I would approach this.  First I would probably just try and ignore it in hopes the feeling will pass within her.  Sometimes that works, but on big issues chances are she will bring it up again months later, this time more POed claiming that I am ignoring her or that I don't care.  I think some kind of validation that attempts to validate her underlying issues should come first.  So what are her issues?  Feeling that you don't love her or trust her?  Feeling that you are going to leave her?  Financial insecurity?  Feeling not part of the family? Then after you validate what you think is really bothering her, try and point out that right now it is your father's money to do with and pass on to whomever he pleases, and that he is not dying anytime soon, and that your father's wishes are beyond your control.  In other words 1) validate that her feelings of being left out or financially insecure for the future are understandable, and then 2) say that it's really up to your dad.  The reality here is that a post-nup agreement will not solve her underlying issues. 

[startrekuser]

Congratulations, startrekuser, you've just been trapped    On the positive side, it's happened to all of us, probably over and over and over.  So we know how you feel.

You nailed it.  You know exactly how I feel and you understand the situation I'm in.  Some days, I just feel like walking out the door and not looking back.  That might actually happen one day.  Anyway, thanks for the strategy.  She said that if I don't agree to a post-nup, then we're getting divorced.  So, me might get divorced.  I can't control that, as I have discussed with others in another thread.  Sigh!

[MissyM]

Startrekuser - I would check with an attorney but if the money is in a trust, from your father, then there is nothing you can do about that.  From my limited understanding you wouldn't have the power to override the conditions of the trust.  Might be an angle to check out, then you can just say that it is out of your hands.

[bpbreakout]

I am married to BPDw. When my mother died a few years ago she put the money in trust for my children with me as the Trustee. This was my initiative. At the time I didnt' know about BPD and thought it was bipolar. Whatever the case the marriage was very very shaky and my choice was to preserve the money for my kids rather than risk it being dissapated in a divorce settlement. I use the income to help with their education and also trying to preserve as much capital as possible to give them a head start when they grow up. There have been arguments and guilt trips over this which have upset me but I have never ever regretted what I did.

Sounds like you are on the "FOG" back foot with this. If your father leaves you a sum of money I guess she would be entitled to a share in a divorce sttlement anyweay so I'm wondering what the extra "post nup" is all about. If you went ahead with this, then could your wife end the marriage now and then when your father eventually passes on, be entitled to a share if his estate ? If this is the case then I think it's outrageous & you are the one who should be angry or at least drawing boundaries in your own mind.

At the end of the day it's up to your father what he does with his estate and him alone.

As for your relationship, I don't know your personal situation but I would be wondering what these feelings are about - ie why she feels the need to "lock in" the inheritance now.

[startrekuser]

I am married to BPDw. When my mother died a few years ago she put the money in trust for my children with me as the Trustee. This was my initiative. At the time I didnt' know about BPD and thought it was bipolar. Whatever the case the marriage was very very shaky and my choice was to preserve the money for my kids rather than risk it being dissapated in a divorce settlement. I use the income to help with their education and also trying to preserve as much capital as possible to give them a head start when they grow up. There have been arguments and guilt trips over this which have upset me but I have never ever regretted what I did.

Sounds like you are on the "FOG" back foot with this. If your father leaves you a sum of money I guess she would be entitled to a share in a divorce sttlement anyweay so I'm wondering what the extra "post nup" is all about. If you went ahead with this, then could your wife end the marriage now and then when your father eventually passes on, be entitled to a share if his estate ? If this is the case then I think it's outrageous & you are the one who should be angry or at least drawing boundaries in your own mind.

At the end of the day it's up to your father what he does with his estate and him alone.

As for your relationship, I don't know your personal situation but I would be wondering what these feelings are about - ie why she feels the need to "lock in" the inheritance now.

Thanks bpb.  She's been thinking about leaving the marriage.  I guess that the prospect of her not having my income and having to work is what's on her mind.  I don't know how these post-nups work, but I probably won't sign anything.  If I do, it surely won't include something that would entitle her to his inheritance if he were to pass on after being divorced.

On another note, she's really getting angry very easily now.  Maybe it's b/c I've been setting boundaries, and more or less doing what I'm supposed to do when married to a BPD.  It's really rough now.  If she doesn't settle down, I don't think I can stick around anymore.  This is utter torture.  I actually would rather be at work than at home these days, although I really like my job.

[startrekuser]

Startrekuser - I would check with an attorney but if the money is in a trust, from your father, then there is nothing you can do about that.  From my limited understanding you wouldn't have the power to override the conditions of the trust.  Might be an angle to check out, then you can just say that it is out of your hands.

I decided I'm going to meet an attorney to find out what my rights are.  I'm thinking about moving out.  I have to be prepared just in case.

[MissyM]

Checking with an attorney sounds like a good plan.  Laws are different state to state regarding community property. 

[Vexed]

Its too bad logic doesn't matter.  If she doesn't divorce you she will share the inheritance with you obviously. 

I get it, but I can't take it.  I don't know how we deal with this crap.  I'm right there with you though.

[startrekuser]

We had a decent night last night for a change.  It's all relative of course.  The good part was that I was able to come her down.  I may have found the right formula finally.  We'll see.

[Inquisitive1]

I'm chiming in a bit late, but I agree with others that you are doing the right thing.

I really like my job too, but I hate it when things get so bad at home that I'd rather be at work. I totally understand what that's like. Home should be a sanctuary.

Not sure if the attorney is for divorce or wills, but both might be worth learning more about. You can investigate divorce to be prepared, while at the same time trying your hardest to make things work.