Just found out exBPDw intro BF to kids

[Gmoney]

Im struggling with this new aspect of divorce.  Especially since the final docs have not even been signed yet. So we tech still married.   We had a gentleman's agreement not to do such a thing until we had a chance to meet the person that would meet the kids.   I now fully believe she wanted to hurt me on that.  Of course she blamed my boundaries as the reason she didn't tell me. But i fell into her trap and went off on her in text.  Now I gave her cause to play the victim again.   She keeps saying i want to talk. I want to be friends.     I have told her i cant be her friend.  We have to keep things just business but she fights that.

I do my best to keep my boundaries up.  Sometimes on motivated by the thought of her desiring me again just bc she cant have me not bc she doesn't want me but bc I have turned the tables on her by shutting her out of my life.

But I know how bad and addicting that would be if we ever had sex again. Bc that was our connection.   I really need to learn to get past my codependency I think I learned from being with her 14.5 years of my life. 

[Matt]

Gmoney,

Wow - I'm glad you're here but I'm sorry for what you're going through that brought you here.

Kinda been there and done that - 12 years with a woman who has BPD, married, 2 kids and 2 stepkids.  Now divorced 5 years but it's still kind of a struggle to keep a good distance.

I think you get it - you know that any intimacy will make things worse (and lots of women with BPD "forget" birth control and get pregnant - my ex did that before we were married - to get their hooks into you).

How old are your kids?  And how are they doing?

[Gmoney]

Oh wow! That's what she did to me almost 13 years ago.  The 1st pregnancy about a year into out dating she had a miscarriage.  15 months later our 1st son was born.  She later on all but admitted that she just "got" pregnant.  2 kids, 3 affairs and 13 years later I find out by accident (I am dating a psychologist) who witness her outburst from texts and phone calls I would get when she knew I would most likely be around my new GF told me to google BPD.  and I was just floored. So I have only got my first look beyond the curtain a few months ago.  But today is really the 1st day I fully get what I went through.  This is the first time I have read someone's else's stories.  I thought I was alone.  80% of what I read you can say is my story.  The intense sexual connection from the start.  The falling in deeply in love with a girl I wasn't really even into bc he face was avg but her body was a 10.  She is a redhead. Etc etc and she kept pushing her way into my life and I fell for her so hard.

I now know who she is.  I am just trying to get back to normal while learning to set boundries while have to co parent with this woman   

S12 S10 D5.

I am supposed to met the new BF on thurs.  He text me 1st time ever a day ago

And requested we talk at lunch.  I know that stems from me going off on her in text when I found out he had been inserted in to kids life w/o my knowledge.   Not that I have any control over who she brings into there lives. But I think I have a right to know who they are.   What really pisses me off is that she intro him as just a "friend".  As if to manipulate the kids to this friendly nice guy that the kids think is fun to be around.  Only to say oh Charlie and mommy are dating now.    She knows it's way to soon to intro someone to the kid. JESUS we are not even divorced officially yet!   She is so selfish. Has to recreate the family she. just lost 6 months ago.

As for her BF. He is divorced ad kids live in CA. We in GA.   And for some reason never seems them.   Big red flag for me. Since I have 60% custody but have education and extra circular activities wen tho we joint those two are aces per my Attorny.  I could move out of state with kids and she would have no recourse to stop me. But I am not a jerk.  I would only do that if the kids were in danger.  I really want her to be happy. But I know know she going to go

Thru men now and I don't want my kids to see a barrage of men.  I just worry about them.   I don't even care to have her back again.

[Matt]

Yeah, my then-girlfriend told me very clearly not to worry about birth control, she had that covered.  Then she quit taking it and got pregnant on purpose.  She later admitted that - she said she knew I wanted to have kids (true) but she didn't want to wait.  (And then, after we worked through that, she did it again - promised she would stay on birth control and didn't, and got pregnant again.  Which tells you something about how smart I am... .)

I think you need to figure out what will help you stay cool so you won't send her any more texts that could make you look bad.  In fact I would suggest no texts at all, no face-to-face contact with her, and no phone contact - only e-mails, and very careful about them.  Nothing about the past, no emotions, nothing about the two of you - only practical stuff about the kids.

What is the custody arrangement right now?  Is it set or still up in the air?

Keep your focus on the kids and what will be best for them, not on the ex or her boyfriend(s).

[Gmoney]

I have a 60-40 split in my favor.  Mon tues weds and alternate weekends.  We split the cost of kids expenses 50-50 (medical bills. Tuition ) mostly. 

I really do need to keep my cool. I have been able to do a much better job know I know who she is. But sometimes I fall for the bet. Sometimes I don't and it is so I powering when she plays victim on text and don't respond or care bc I now know what's happening. But she still can press my buttons on occasion. And when that happens I press hers and round and roind we go.  Then after I realize what is going on I disengage.  Then I feel bad sometimes that I let her in.    I trying to go NC.  I won't even look at her in the eyes when I have to see her.   

I had to see her the other day for several hours and with just 2 mins to go before I was free and clear for the day she sucked me in and after I realized what she did I didn't disengaged. I knowing continuing to enable for a few mins b4 I got sane again.  Afterwards I felt dirty for letting myself knowingly continue to engage that behavior. 

[Matt]

Why do you ever have to be around her?

What if you decided not to be around her at all - never in the same place where she is?

My wife accused me of assault, so I had to get a lawyer to handle that, and he told me, "Never be around her, even for a minute, without a non-family adult third party present.  Or you can find yourself another lawyer."  The charges were dropped (the police report showed she was lying) but I remembered what he said and it's helped a lot.

No face-to-face or phone contact.  No texts.  Only e-mails that are really necessary.

[Gmoney]

We  went to see them graduate from camp separately of course. But went to have lunch as a "family". I can now see my mistake.   Let me ask you this. How do you handle kids b day parties?  Especially if the kids ask if both mommy and daddy to be there. 

[Matt]

My kids were 8 and 10 when we separated.  The first year or so I had their mom - and usually some other adult friends - for birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.  It went OK but it was awkward and I realized I was pretending something that wasn't true, so I quit doing that.

Since then I e-mail my ex to say what I plan for each birthday and other holiday:  "S15's birthday is next Monday.  I got him a mandolin and a Doctor Who shirt.  I'll have dinner and a cake for him that evening."  She can then figure out what she wants to do - like maybe something the day before.  Or if she says, "I was hoping to have the kids for dinner that evening." I'll usually adjust - nothing to fight over.  But it's been many years since we did it all together, and that's OK - the kids know they can expect two little celebrations.

It's understandable to start out trying to pretend you're all one "family" but best to get past that as soon as possible.  Too much drama, too many things that could go wrong, and too confusing for the kids.

[Gmoney]

Thank you so much for the advice.