Struggling to Co-parent

[bravhart1]

Calling it Co-parenting is kind of a joke. She won't speak to me (step mom)in any form, DH and she don't communicate except by email because of the false accusations. Her emails are ALWAYS accusatory and hostile. Even if we are being accommodating, her responses are written in a way that is blaming and insulting.

The child therapist has said we (DH and uBPDm) should continue with co-parent counseling, even though the mediator just recently came back with a report saying it was useless. How can we possibly continue with co-parent counseling and not feel like it's a waste of time and money?

The level of dysfunction with her is so great that she is not able to even do an exchange with us without hiding behind a pillar and videotaping us just sitting there. It's just plain creepy.

How can we get the child therapist to see our reality and the task of "co-parenting" with her for the last three years has accomplished no change for the better.

[Mutt]

 

Her emails are ALWAYS accusatory and hostile. Even if we are being accommodating, her responses are written in a way that is blaming and insulting.

Sounds like my ex. She used to send these types of messages but it got better. I didn't respond to what didn't need a response. She sent many accusatory emails to stir things up. I parallel parent to stop the bleeding for now. I also changed my communication style to SET and I had serious boundaries laid down. It's up to me to choose if I need to react to it or now. She got the picture but it took consistency and time - it gets better. I'll re-assess if co-parenting warrants it further on.

Have you considered parallel parenting?

[Matt]

Calling it Co-parenting is kind of a joke.

When there is out-and-out hostility between the parents, or when one parent just isn't capable of acting right most of the time, "co-parenting" probably isn't a realistic option.

I've been divorced for several years, and my kids - now 16 and 17 - are doing very well.  I still wouldn't claim to be "co-parenting", and that's not really my goal.

"Co-parenting" requires quite a bit of communication and coordination between the parents.  If that's possible, great, but I'm convinced if I was to communicate that much with my ex, it would be a disaster.  The only thing that has made my life work is distance from her - physical and emotional.  I communicate with her by e-mail, but not very often, and only about practical matters - no emotions and no talk about the past.

Unless both parents are ready to act right, "parallel parenting" is a much better model.  You take care of the kids when they are with you, and she takes care of them when they are with her.  Minimize communication with the disordered adult.  If you have reason to believe the kids are in danger, you have to step up and look for solutions, but if the risk to them is emotional, you can deal with that during the time you are with them, and with counseling from a professional.

[david]

My ex left in 2007. We have two boys (15 and 11 now). I still get emails that accuse me of all kinds of things. If there is something in the email that pertains to either boy I answer that only. I save all the emails.

An example, ex will say something about my inability to parent when it comes to their physical health (ex is a nurse so that means I am incapable of taking care of them when they are sick). I simply reply with the symptoms and my course of action. I do not try to explain my reasoning. I have two friends that are docs and two stepsons (her kids from her first marriage) that are nurses. I have enough resources to figure things out and don't want to get into a debate with ex. When I did that years ago I would just have a back and forth email trail that never resolved anything. Eventually I learned to stop the engagement.

[bravhart1]

Thanks for your feedback. We are basically parallel parenting. We don't speak, she won't compromise or negotiate. Even when it's in HER best interest, not kiddos.

I just can't believe that the therapist was even able to suggest continuing with co-parenting at this point, as she knows the other side is non-compliant and as hostile as she can be. (Just for the sake of being hostile, not productive or deserved)

Just don't like going against therapist recommendations, it feels wrong as we are trying to follow their advice and guidance.  Not sure how to proceed, other than to say "hey are you really paying attention to what you are asking?"

Want to be as co-operative as we can be, but having said that, don't see how they can suggest continuing to meet with her once or twice a month for an hour ( she shows up twenty minutes late almost every time) when all it achieves is forty minutes of crying and yelling and nothing gets accomplished.