Struggling

[tayana]

I am really starting to struggle with my BPD partner.  I thought things were getting much better.  She had been doing DBT, and seemed to be handling situations and emotions without raging, reacting with cutting or taking drugs, or blaming others around her.  She wasn't isolating herself, and she was being more involved with the family, doing things with the kids, etc.  I was hopeful that she was making some improvements.

Then a few weeks ago, her therapist asked me to come sign a safety plan because she seemed to be in a bad place.  This is always a red flag that a hospitalization is coming up.  I left work and went to the therapist, where she told me to just sign whatever I needed to, that it had all been a big misunderstanding.  My pwBPD does not usually include me in her therapy, and I respect her choice.  I ask her about her appointments, but I don't pry.  So I wasn't expecting to be told that earlier in the previous week she had taken pills, which resulted in a 911 call because she had passed out was unresponsive and started having seizures.  I thought she was having a stroke because she had had several health issues related to high blood pressure and such before.  I was infuriated that I had been duped this way again.  Had no idea where she got the pills since I have all meds locked up and constantly move the keys so they aren't in the same place.  I found out that she hadn't been feeling any better, and all she was doing was pretending so she wasn't making everyone else miserable.  We had a huge fight about how I wasn't validating her and I told her that I couldn't when she wasn't even being honest and didn't care enough to let me know what was really going on.

Her therapist stopped seeing her and referred her to someone else.  So now she has to start over with someone new.  Today she went to see her psych and he would like her to voluntarily get a guardian and going into a six month program at a state hospital.  I'm sure there are details missing here, including what happens if she doesn't do this voluntarily.  She already almost had this happen when her behavior was resulting in multiple hospitalization in six months.  She doesn't help herself in the hospital and uses it as a way to escape reality.  She lies to the staff to get out of the hospital, and because of this, I've stopped encouraging her to go.  There's no point.  It doesn't stabilize her.  She still tries to hurt herself in the hopsital, and just comes home and does the same thing.  I've had the police at my house so many times for safety checks I've lost count.

I really think she should do the six month program.  I think it would help, especially if it could get her to a place where she wasn't so unstable and intent on self-destructing or pretending to be OK for those around her.  I love her, but I don't see any real improvement, even with the therapy.  I have noticed less rages, but instead she just isolate herself and is convinced no one really cares about her.  It doesn't matter how much friends and family show her otherwise, she is convinced people are just pretending.  She claims no one is there when she needs them, but the problem is, she needs someone all the time.  And not responding immediately or giving immediate reassurance is rejection in her mind.

I keep trying to be affirming and let her know that I love and care about her, but I am really angry that she put up this front and let everyone believe she was in a better place.  I'm sick to death of the cutting, the sneaking of drugs (she has assured me she doesn't have anything else, but I didn't find the stash in the past either).  She has now almost succeeded in killing herself three times, and I'm terrified that she will succeed.  The only reason she didn't one of those times is because I convinced her to go to the hospital. 

We have two children, but I really feel like I have three, because I have to take care of my partner too.  I have no friends anymore because they don't want to be around pwBPD, and she rages when I try to do something with them.  My respite is spending time with my kids and when everyone is in bed at night.  I really want to set some more boundaries especially about household duties and such because right now I am doing everything with the help of my teenage son.  She gets really angry if I let the teenager have a clue about what is going on instead of just saying, "she has to go to the hospital to get checked out" or "she has to go out of town."  I hate lying to him, but she gets upset if he knows the truth and is worried.  I'm constantly having to talk to him and convince him to not react to some of her behaviors.  He notices the mood swings, the withdrawal and asks questions.  He has issues of his own, and we are trying to teach him not to lie about his feelings, so in my mind lying to him about her health is just setting a bad example.  He is almost 18, but my partner still considers him a child.

I want my partner to get better, but I don't see that happening when she is always playing the game of if I look OK then I am.  If I don't talk about how I really feel, no one will know, and if I smile and pretend to be happy, people will believe I am and I won't have to worry about going to the hospital cause I have to be OK.  So instead I'll cut or take a few extra pills to numb the pain cause I'm dead inside.  I don't know how to break her out of that thought process, and being supportive isn't helping.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

You are in an extremely difficult situation, so of course your frustrated, scared etc... .

My first reaction is to suggest you set some boundaries around her engagement in mental health activities. Based on what you've written, if I were in your shoes, I might strongly encourage the 6 month program. At the same time I might start looking into what it would take to separate/divorce. Once I had spoken to a lawyer about how best to handle separating, I'd lay it on the line--do the program or something equivalent or we have to split. From my perspective, the behavior--suicidal attempts, addiction--is just too out of control, especially with kids in the picture.

To be clear, I'm not advocating you jump right out of this relationship. i'm suggesting you be open to the idea that it may come down to that.

While your working on setting boundaries you could also take steps to improve the support you provide her and your communication. I think you are so frustrated that is hard to be supportive, but keep in mind that when she says no one loves her, that is probably her subjective reality. You might use the SET techique (Support, empathize, Truth). You might also consider a couples counselor. Improving your couple dynamics and communication will be good whatever happens.

Regarding the 18 year old, I don't know how much he knows. If he's really in the dark, maybe consider letting him know your partner is struggling with her mental health. and when she rages at him or puts him down, it may have more to do with her than him. This is tricky because you don't want to invalidate her, but at the same time as an adult (18) he might benefit from insight into why she is that way.

Check out the thread I started on "telling the kids". There's a link in there to another thread that expresses the opinion you shouldn't tell.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230366.0

[maxsterling]

Wow, tayana, no wonder you are struggling.  I've read many stories on this website, and that one seems to be one of the most challenging ones I've read.  I can't imagine how you have made it this far.   

There seems to be several variants of BPD.  Frankly, I am a little envious of those on here whose pwBPD is capable of taking care of his or her own basic needs and does not have self harm or suicide ideation.  My dBPD is in the same camp as your wife, but to a much less extent.  She's asked me to hide pills from her.  She's been hospitalized.  She hasn't cut since I have known her, but if the means were there I am sure she would.  She's asked me to hide knives from her before. 

And I certainly know the frustration with the hospital.  My fiancé was hospitalized for 10 days last fall.  She, too, lied to get released.  She wasn't doing any better.  She just decided the hospital wasn't helping her, so she'd rather be at home.  And many, many times since, I think she should have been hospitalized again, but I refrain from forcing her because I know it won't do any good in the long run.  According to her, she's been in a dozen hospitals since she was a teenager.  She's had hospitalizations that lasted months.  And overall, she's not really any better.  She still has all the BPD symptoms.  She doesn't inject illegal drugs anymore, and hasn't seriously attempted suicide in 10 years, but I don't think emotionally she is too far removed from that.  So, if she went back into the hospital, she won't come out of there any better.  The best it can do is give her a safe place when she is really down on herself, but more importantly it would give me a break.  Luckily, it seems like she is slowly snapping out of the deep place, so I don't worry about hospitalization as much as I did a few months ago.

My advice is that even though hospitalization won't help her, it would help you.  But also keep in mind that no matter how you change your behavior, you can't make her any better.  She sounds like she is far beyond what anyone but a trained professional can help her with.  And, that is who should be helping her - trained professionals. 

I really feel for you here.  I just can't imagine how you are still hanging in there at all.

[Inquisitive1]

I hope my previous post didn't have too much advice. I didn't plan on writing such a long post, but your situation is so complex it ended up that way. Given the complexity of you situation, I recognize my advice might be less than perfect.

Max's point about the hospital not necessarily making things better is well taken. But it does seem like you having some time away from your partner might give you a chance to figure out how best to proceed. When you're in the middle of an emotional BPD hurricane, you have to think moment-to-moment, it's very hard to find time to think strategically.

[tayana]

Thank you for the advice.  I think I just need someone to talk to who doesn't think I'm a saint or isn't wondering why I'm staying with this person.  When she's not in a full out BPD funk, she's a great person.  Unfortunately, she spends most of her time in this haze, and when she's not, she spends her time criticizing everyone in the house.  It makes for a very uncomfortable and unhappy time.

I have tried to tell her that she has to continue mental health treatment or I will ask her to leave.  She threatened to run away with my youngest child.  She herself admits that she should be in the hospital but feels she has to be available to care for the youngest until he goes back to school.  She also admitted to me that she just doesn't want the youngest left with me and his brother because we will teach him too many bad habits.

She admitted to me that she no longer wants to do anything but stay in bed.  She has no interest in anything she used to enjoy, and she just wants to die most of the time.  She tells me she tries something at least four to five times a month and is upset that she can't even get suicide right.  I am so out of my depth with how to deal with this, and I am near the end of my patience.