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Author Topic: Could You Please Help with My Plan?  (Read 402 times)
White_Lily

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: 9 1/5 years in relationship, living apart
Posts: 27



« on: August 07, 2014, 09:04:39 AM »

Hi everyone,

I wanted to say, again, how grateful I am to find this forum.  I am relatively new here.  I have been reading so many different threads in the last couple of weeks about staying, leaving, success stories, etc... .and it is getting complicated in my head. I feel I have to stop right now, clear up my head, and figure out a plan to move forward.  Therefore, any contributions or thoughts from your end would be much appreciated.

Just to summaries some facts about my situation so you have the context:

1. I have been with BPDbf for over 9 years.  We live separately in different towns (1.5 hours driving distance). He was married and has two kids (18 & 15) who live with their mom.  We met about a year after his separation. We are both now in our early 50's.  He has no family members around.  He is originally from Europe, has a father in a home with alzheimer/dimensia and a brother, who does not talk to except for matters related to dad's health situation.  Both brother and dad are in Europe.  Kids live 2 hours away from my bf, so he drives 4 hours back and forth to pick them up every other weekend to see them.  He has been doing so for the last 10+ years! I dunno how he managed to do it.  He has been very good with the kids and a great father. The kids were very emotionally disturbed when my bf and I first got together, but we managed to have a unique relationship with them- although on part-time basis- (lots of love, confirmations, and self-esteem boosting) and they have now a strong bond with dad, which is quite nice. I have a great relationship with the kids, and a peaceful one with the ex wife.

2. The relationship was great, especially during a period (1-2 years) after the "honeymoon stage" passed.  We used to talk a lot about spiritual matters, living the present moment, our true nature as human beings, etc... .He responded very positively to this type of life philosophy, and he still does when he is in a stable emotional state.  We mediated together and also separately.  He was calm, happy, has joy in his life, and it was one of the happiest period in our relationship. 

3. Things started to go downhill (slowly) in the last few years because of my BF's financial situation with his small business.  I also think he was going through mid-life crisis on top of that. Since the beginning of the relationship, I had a feeling that there was something not quite right about his behaviour, but I never knew what it was exactly.  I thought he is just a moody person.  Of course, unlike most people on this forum, we don't live together or even near each other, so it was not a big deal for me as it did not affect me during the weekends/vacations we spent together, and I never thought about it as a serious issue.  I was thinking that everyone goes into a bad mood every now and then.  The other biggest problem between us was his excessive drinking.  That one, I was seriously worried about since the start of the relationship. It is now clearer to me why he has this addiction.

4. It was only about a year ago when I experienced a real rage episode by him, it truthfully paralized me.  What is this "rage" all about?  Where did it come from? I have never seen anything like it.  It was madness, and I felt that I am his worst enemy ever.  I started researching about rage issues when I came across BPD.  I kept reading, I bought a couple of books, I talked (over the phone only) few times to a therapist trying to understand what do I need to do.  I felt "fear" in the therapist's voice himself, he kind of told me "run, run... ." there is no hope with BPDs. My bf has never been diagnosed with the disorder, and I do not intend to let him know or even hint it to him.  This is what I have been advised.

5. I started to practice validation and learned some communication techniques, and it worked for a little while.  But, I think I discovered my own limitations trying to deal with the situation, particularly at the emotional level. I deeply love this person.  So when I discovered he is flirting with his next door married neighbour, I went mad and the relationship started to deteriorate dramatically.  Intimacy between us was gone few years now as well.  As per my previous thread, whether his relationship with this woman (and previous attempts of a similar nature) is cheating, it does not matter now (although it is hurtful for me).  There are way deeper roots to the problem.

6. The very recent episode was (an it is mainly because of the deterioration of his financial situation) that he wanted now to sell his house and small business, which will not get him a lot of money, but it will help if he lived on a boat. I think he is trying to find a way out of the situation and I do not blame him.  I am stable in my job, and I suggested to him numerous times in the past that we should come up with a financial plan, and he can live with me, and we can help each other this way, he can get some benefits through my work, etc... .and maybe he can find a job around my area, but he refused.  He said he is not comfortable becoming a financial burden on me. I think it could be that he does not want to commit to the relationship.  He proposed to me 4 years ago, but I never felt I am engaged to him because I never felt he was serious about us getting married or even live together so I like to refer to him as a bf.

7. Last, but very important point.  I never felt that my bf has tried to harm himself so far.  But with his latest situation, I am not sure about his mental/emotional state.  It is getting complicated.  If he proceeded with his recent plan, he will be homeless. I am far away to know what is going on with him on a daily basis.  He is also becoming less and less engaged with me, communication-wise.  I also think that he should really do something with his equity otherwise he will be in a big trouble financially.

I do need to decide on where do I go from here. I don't think I can leave my bf with this situation. He does not know about his disorder, no one else knows about it either, I cannot tell him, and he has absolutely no one to support him at any level.  :'(

Thank you. 

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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2014, 08:26:12 PM »

I understand your situation. You are asking for help with a plan... .and I think I need more help from you before I can start on it.

You've been with him for 9 years. A few years ago, the r/s started becoming progressively more difficult for you. More recently, you have found serious problems: Excessive drinking, emotional (and possibly physical) affairs, and some raging.

What do you want in this r/s? You are posting on the "staying" board so I'm assuming you do want to continue the r/s, just deal with changes well.
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White_Lily

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: 9 1/5 years in relationship, living apart
Posts: 27



« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2014, 07:46:01 AM »

Thank you Gray Kitty.  You are correct.  I would like to come up with a plan to deal with the situation and commit to it.  A big part of this plan will be to take care of myself so I am able to maintain a healthy emotional state. Equally important is to provide support to my bf so he can maintain a balanced life, if this is at all possible. I feel that if people on this forum are willing to share their experiences and insights on the subject (any segment of it), it would help me gain a better understanding of the tricky nature of this disorder. It is hard for me to evaluate my bf behaviours since we don't live together/close to each other. Therefore, insights form people who have first hand experience dealing with BPD would be very helpful. I just wanted to have "realistic" expectations of this difficult journey while working on regulating my own emotions. 

If people think I am a bit naive to stay in the relationship because of the overall circumstances, I will accept that.  Maybe I am a bit naive.  However, my motivation to continue with it, at least for now, is love and empathy to a person who didn't do anything wrong in his life other than trying to be happy, and he just cannot. If I don't support him, who will?

If I still did not communicate my objectives clearly, please feel free to ask again.

Cheers.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2014, 11:35:43 PM »

I'd say that taking good care of yourself is indeed the way to start.

As for supporting your bf? There is indeed a limit to what you can do.

First off, if you take good care of yourself, you will be strong, and able to do what you can.

Second, letting him get away with treating you badly doesn't fit in the category of support.

As for more specific plans... .

Do you want this to stay a long-distance r/s? (perhaps 1.5 hours is medium-distance) Is it "working" for you this way?
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Ceruleanblue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2014, 01:40:39 AM »

Boy, can I ever relate to your #4. When I witnessed my uBPDh's rage the first time, it was scary. I hate the rages, and I also hate the low simmering anger that is always just beneath the surface. I too was told by a therapist that it's very hard to treat BPD, and I pretty much felt she was telling me to run, to get away. Another therapist told me it sounded like he actually has antisocial personality disorder(which from my understanding is even worse than BPD). I've had two therapists switch jobs or go on leave, and they've both said this, I wonder what a third therapist will say.

Like you, I want to stay, and I want to help, at least by not making him worse. To me, knowledge is power, and I'm still trying to learn all the time. I have my own issues I work on too: I have anxiety, and usually it's not a big deal, but uBPDh's anger/moods/gaslighting has really set off my anxiety.

And you spoke of the intimacy going away. I've experienced that same thing. I have no physical desire for him anymore(or for anyone else either... .I'm sort of turned off/scared of me right now), because he's just so emotionally not there, and he's done so much damage. He'd be hateful, mean, angry, then want sex. Angry, mean sex. That pretty much killed my sex drive. The emotional intimacy is gone too. I'm not sure it was ever even there, at least you had that in the beginning. I'm pretty sure my uBPDh just faked it for the time we were dating, because as soon as we got married he got aloof, distant and moody. I felt like he'd flipped a switch.

I'm like you in that I really think things through, and try to make an informed decision. I get so overwhelmed though, in all this, that doing that is hard. I know what I want: my marriage to improve, but I don't know how to get there. I do know I can't do it alone. I can only work on ME, and so far that has not made one bit of difference.

I have faith you'll figure out what you need to do. It's just hard when you want to do what is best for everyone, and you have someone who doesn't seem to be looking out for you or themselves. That seems to be the nature of BPD.
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White_Lily

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: 9 1/5 years in relationship, living apart
Posts: 27



« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2014, 10:00:28 AM »

Second, letting him get away with treating you badly doesn't fit in the category of support.

You are absolutely right, Grey Kitty.  Thank you.
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White_Lily

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: 9 1/5 years in relationship, living apart
Posts: 27



« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2014, 10:22:07 AM »

Like you, I want to stay, and I want to help, at least by not making him worse. To me, knowledge is power, and I'm still trying to learn all the time. I have my own issues I work on too: I have anxiety, and usually it's not a big deal, but uBPDh's anger/moods/gaslighting has really set off my anxiety.

I do know I can't do it alone. I can only work on ME, and so far that has not made one bit of difference.

I hear you, Ceruleanblue, and thanks so much for your reply.

I don't know if you are following a thread about "Let's practice radical acceptance" (I think this is what is called).  There have been great contributions there, but one stuck in mind that was written by Waivrider saying:

"Radical acceptance does not mean accepting that you should take abuse. It may mean that you accept that at times they will abuse you as part of their coping mechanisms, that you will then have to enact a boundary and remove yourself. By radically accepting this cause and consequence you will be able to do this without taking it personally and being hurt. As opposed to taking it "stoically'.

The purpose of radical acceptance is to relieve your burden of trying to change what YOU can’t change. Letting go,  if you like."

I too think you will eventually find a way to balance your life, and I wish you all the best.  Let's continue the dialogue.

p.s. I think that your anxiety level will be reduced when you find your balance. I have been going through some episodes myself, on and off.

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Ceruleanblue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2014, 05:06:05 PM »

WhiteLily:

I'd love to keep up the dialogue, or even email back and forth. I'd love to be able to talk to another woman who deals with a man who has BPD, or even just a personality disorder. I guess BPD is a lot more common in women?

I have told uBPDh that so many of our issues are about balance. He has a terrible time balancing anything, and I think that is solely to do with his BPD. Plus, he is highly narcissistic, and very uncompromising. It's almost like he can't compromise. Which I personally think is crap, but maybe, just maybe it is harder for him than the average person. I think he feels he's losing control if he compromises, and he definitely resents me ever needing him to.

My anxiety is really, really amplified by this environment. I realize that, and I have been doing things to lower my stress level. I go on a ton of walks, which is supposed to release those "feel good" endorphins. It does help, but I now have to work on my binge eating. It just feels like all this stress and anger I'm around brings out my worst coping techniques. I'd lost 90 pounds 9 years ago, and have mostly kept it off, but I'm now up 30 pounds. I'll get it off, but it's hard in this environment.

I think I've accepted uBPDh for what he is, but like what you posted, I'm not okay with the verbal abuse. I've learned to walk away more than I used to, and I still try to use S.E. T, although it doesn't seem to work with him. Especially the "T" part. He only sees his reality, and he gets angered by facts, no matter how you state it. You either agree with him, or you're the bad guy. I accept all of it except being his verbal punching bag.

Maybe like you said, the more I get in balance, and get healthier again, the better I'll be able to deal with the never ending drama he dishes out... .and the negativity.
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White_Lily

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: 9 1/5 years in relationship, living apart
Posts: 27



« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2014, 05:53:59 PM »

Hello Ceruleanblue,

I have been touched with your words and felt your pain in my body. You know it is amazing that while I am looking for help and you are too, and hundred and thousands of people here like us are doing the same thing, we can still give some feedback.  It is amazing given that we are trying to get out of a deep dark hole.

I can only say what has been working for me to a certain degree in terms of balance. I have lost balance so many times and always try to bounce back as soon as I can because I know if I don't, my life will be destroyed. One of the corner stones of this balance for me is living the present moment. I am not claiming I do it all the time, but I am "aware" that this is the way out.  When you practice "living the moment" you are basically saying to yourself: this is what I have now in this precise moment, and the next moment is the "future" that no one can predict.  If you practice "living the moment" you redirect your focus on you and not the noise taking place around you. I am going to ask you a question: how would you feel if someone told you that you have one week to live?  (God forbids, and forgive me for this harsh question)... .all your misery with your husband, his family, his daughters, his ex, etc... .will collapse.  You will remember then how important YOUR life is. I know this is a bit philosophical, but I can feel your struggle wanting him to change so I am suggesting that you find ways that makes your mind stop thinking for a second. It is becoming your hell.

At this moment I feel a little bit positive so I am saying what I am saying.  I know this will not last, and the next thin you will receive from me is an SOS posting.  I am aware that I will need to work on myself a great deal and continue receiving support from forum members.

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Ceruleanblue
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Posts: 1343



« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2014, 07:59:48 PM »

White_Lily:

It's so funny you should say that, because just last night I watched a movie very similar to that. It's a new release to DVD with Robin Williams, called "Angriest Man in Brooklyn" or something like that, and he was told he only had an hour and a half to live. He was a super angry man, and the diagnosis didn't help him much with that, but he did eventually mend fences, and find some peace.

I do realize much as I want my uBPDh to change, that he is unlikely to do so, and it is hard to give up my want of this. I've mostly given up on him entirely lately, out of dire necessity, lest I have a breakdown. Way too much of my focus, energy, and effort was going into things aimed to make him happy, mend things with his adult kids, and get him to notice my efforts. Of course none of it worked. It truly is like trying to fill a vase that has a huge hole in the bottom.

I just need to put my efforts elsewhere. He seems to have been doing that all along. And like you, I'm sort of up, then down, depending on HIS moods or acting out. I really, really want that to stop. I want to be able to have moods of my own, and not have to hide them, and not feel like a leaf on the ocean of his moods.

You've been a blessing to me already, just for understanding. You really have. Thanks.
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