N0w into herself - please help me understand this

[nightmoves]

So - my wife has been angry, distant, dismissive, and blaming of everything and anything to me and our children for some time now.

Having come to this site... .was rocked by the fact that she is most definitely suffers from BPD.

It has truly been horrible on our marriage - and our family to try and make sense of this unpredictable and rageful scenario.

But I and we have hung in there.

Thru the bizzare emotional roller coaster - the excessive drinking - and the overall depression and blame at us all for the "state of her life".

It has been shocking to see her withdrawal from us in many ways and in so many facets.

Sick of cleaning the house, tired of having to worry about meals, etc.

She has even said that she has "quit" on those things.

Now - understand, that we have gotten to a place that we have the "trappings" - nice home, security, wonderful kids... .etc... etc...

But she has gone from a kind, caring, organized, happy person... to someone we really do not even know any more.

(I need to add - that she has been found to be hormonally imbalanced, endocrine problems  and perimenapousle as well)

So - with that as a lead up... .I wanted to ask you all a question... .

My wife now ... .has decided to do (of all things) to train and do a couple triathlons with her friend)

Now - I am in very good shape. Very much an athlete for years.

But have mostly forgone (other than kids coaching etc.) the golf,teams etc... .

Sold the motorcycle. etc etc

Willingly - happily- as our 5 kids and our family and career have taken time and energy and is my goal and responsibility.

SO - I  - and all of us - are feeling a bit stunned that after bemoaning all of us... .blaming all of us... .turing back on all of us and responsibilities.

She takes up this.

She now leaves in AM for up to 3 hours to swim or walk or bike.

She has become almost obsessed by this.

It is almost all she talks about and thinks about.

It - in many ways - has SO many things wrapped up in it for her.

Emotional. Self image. etc.

She had made it a POINT to boundary this pursuit  off from me and the kids. Stating this is HER thing... etc.

Now (unbelievably)she is now "mad" that we are not fully supporting her. That we are no "prouder" of her. etc... etc...

So - as I get the little ones off to their day... and head into the office... .without having seen her this AM... .again... .

I am both a bit unsettled with all of this... .angry... .and dont know HOW i should feel.

Any thoughts would be so very helpful.

Thank you






 

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[maxsterling]

I've seen this.  Apparently, this is a characteristic BPD trait that I think is related to the lack of strong identity and poor self image.  pwBPD are highly emotional people who never, ever feel satisfied with themselves.  So, they go from one obsession to another, trying to find what they perceive to be missing from their lives.  I've seen it in my fiancé.  She will feel like she is scraping bottom, then obsessively do something for a few weeks as if it is a magic cure.  It could be a diet, a job, a tv show, a person, or exercise routine.  And in a few weeks or months, she burns out again until she hitches onto the next thing.

This seems to be the pattern of her whole life.  She's gone from diet to diet, been vegan for awhile, then the low carb route.  She's switched sexual orientation.  She's lived in different countries.  She's taken up hobbies only to drop them later.  She's been into one kind of music then another, one kind of movie then another.  One dating partner to another.  And all of the above were attempts to fill that void within her, and not a single one of them stuck.  It sounds like this is what your wife is doing.  She felt empty, and now her friend has turned her on to triathalon.  She's now mirroring her friend, in hopes of filling that void and solving what is wrong with her.  And she will do this obsessively until she either burns out, or gets into a disagreement with her friend and paints her friend black.  Just like my fiancé, who seems to be into whatever her friends are into at the time.

Now I can contrast that with myself (as I am sure you can with yourself, too).  I've had hobbies that I have been into for decades.  I have had the same taste in music for decades (or slowly evolving).  I know what I like and know what makes me happy, and those things haven't changed since I was young.  When I start something new, it's because I want to do it and enjoy doing it, not to fill something "missing" from my life.  It's just a totally different mindset for those with BPD.   

[Vexed]

I don't have any advice but I can relate and possibly offer some insight.

My exBPDgf would go through long periods of up and downs (in energy, not so much mood, but the energy effects her mood).  When in a period of high energy if stressed she would go to the gym for 4-6 hours at a time, up to 8 days in a row at times.   This was never good as she would return from the gym extremely irritable with seemingly more mental energy looking for a fight.  

You would think all the physical activity would wear her out, calm her down, but somehow seemed to add to her anxiety and make things worse.

I never figured out if it was the high energy/anxiety that caused her to want to go to the gym for so long or if it was the gym/activity causing the anxiety and thus irritability.

[nightmoves]

Thank you both for the posts.

Yes - the latest... .

So she was going to do 2 short triathlons.

She today said "we are thinking about doing one also this weekend. Ok?"

I hesitated. Then said " well, I dont really feel as though I can say anything. If you are going to do it - then you are going to do it"... .

She immediatly was getting heated. (BPD ... .) and said i was being "MEAN".

I said - "first of all i did not say not to do it. But I am beginnning to get concerned that this could become a very consuming pastime"... .

With that ... .she became furious and raged.

I kept asking her to calm down... talk normally... etc... etc...

I said - "look it is simply a plausible and legitimate concern with this endeavor. I never said I was upset with you doing it nor not to do it, but ir is a fact that it is a very indulgent and can be a obsessive or compulsive sportand I worry a bit it might turn into that"

Now look - I am not trying to tell her what to do.

BUT - this is the woman WHO ... .

Has shown no interest over the past year  in the kids, the house, the bills etc,.etc...

The ODDEST thing she raged about was not only saying I am NOT SUPPORTIVE>

(I bought her a new bike, picked up even more slack with the house, kids, etc, - hired a house-cleaner... etc.etc,,)

But she also kept saying to me "AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME?"... ."ARE YOU NOT PROUD OF ME?" WHY ARE YOU NOT PROUD OF ME FOR DOING THIS?"

Ok... .so have been proud of her over the years often.

But this felt - to me - like a strange complaint/plead/question.

It did not even FIT in the conversation really.


I must say - that her parents to this day (she is 50) will go OVERBOARD to say how "proud" they are at her for the most minute/mundane things.

SO - this has latest turn has me even MORE confused - concerned.

ANY thoughts out there?