How did he respond to the first counseling? Did he feel ok about it?
My son's counselor told me to say that she was a feelings doctor. S13 was 9 when he started seeing her.
One mistake I made in the beginning was to talk privately with T for 10-15 minutes after their session. I found out a few months ago that it made S10 feel like he couldn't trust the T or me. It was usually me telling T about things that were going on -- she didn't betray S13's confidence once. But S13 didn't know that.
Actually, that was exactly the problem with the first counselor. He did a full THREE sessions with BPD mom in the room basically complaining about him before he was allowed to meet with the counselor alone. She was a nice enough but SS10 already saw her as someone on BPD mom's side and so he never opened up to her. When his dad would call to ask for updates, the counselor constantly asked him what she could do to get SS10 to open up to her but we couldn't help because at that point the well was poisoned as for as SS10 was concerned and it was too late.
DH told SS that he was going to start counseling to help him deal with the changes in his life - would this work for your SS? Counseling isn't just for "problems". Sometimes its to help explore feelings and thoughts. It sounds like you SS has had a healthy attitude so far by not just following along on his BM's crazy train, so maybe this approach will be comfortable for him?
Yeah, we have emergency custody right now. Waiting for an actual final order before we can do anything. "Changes in life" is going to be how we talk to SD11 about her having a counselor since she is the "all good" child and therefore has been lying for BPD mom and clearly been through a whole lot of parentification. She pretends that everything that is happening, no matter how distressing is just fine and that she doesn't need help dealing with anything. Her completely chewed off finger nails tell another story though. So since it looks like hopefully the kids will be living here, that big change does seem like a pretty non-threatening way to talk about counseling.
If not diagnosed, Just say "walking on egg shells".
Their isn't one mental health professional that doesn't know that term. I use it constantly and the response is always, are their mental health concerns?, is she diagnosed? I say, it isn't constructive to raise the issue with her however I am no longer walking on those egg shells, I hope you understand.
Yeah, I think that's an important thing for the counselor to hear. Not just from their father's perspective, but also in understanding how these kids have been forced to live their lives up until now.
This thread has got me thinking about what may or may not have been said to SS10 by his BPD mom prior to his counseling sessions before. That's probably a good place to start the conversation with him, as we may have to deal with some myths.