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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: What would you say to the kid's counselor?  (Read 400 times)
Nope
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« on: August 07, 2014, 11:38:53 AM »

My SO doesn't have custody yet but court is over and we are very hopeful for a good outcome. One of the first things we need to do If things work out is to put S10 in counselling. He was in counseling for about eight sessions prior to this summer that his BPD mom set up and took him to. We got the records for that counseling and it said he was there due to "anger towards his mom" and "adjustment issues".

S10 is the "all bad" child and has had it really touch because of that. BPD mom is not diagnosed. So we have to find some way to A) explain to him that he isn't going to counseling because there is something wrong with him. We can't say there is something wrong with her. But at the same time a huge part of his problem has been witnessing the crazy, refusing to go along with things that were unreal and untrue, and acting out rather then stuffing his feelings like his "all good" sister does. So he really hasn't done anything but be the most authentic person in that household and I don't want him to ever think for a moment we don't see it that way. And B) Without a diagnosis how do we tell the counselor what the real problem is?
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PinkieV
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« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2014, 03:12:28 PM »

We started my SS14 with a counselor within two weeks of getting emergency custody.  My DH explained the basics of the situation in an e-mail to the therapist, and then we let her take it from there.  She was pretty adept at figuring out BM's issues very quickly

DH told SS that he was going to start counseling to help him deal with the changes in his life - would this work for your SS?  Counseling isn't just for "problems". Sometimes its to help explore feelings and thoughts.  It sounds like you SS has had a healthy attitude so far by not just following along on his BM's crazy train, so maybe this approach will be comfortable for him?

Good luck!
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Matt
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« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2014, 04:48:50 PM »

How about something like this... .

To child:

"Lots of stuff has been going on, between your mom and us, and with you.  You've been dealing with some pretty difficult things - going back and forth between houses and whatever goes on in each house, plus school and everything else in your life.  Usually kids in these situations get kind of stressed out, and counseling can help - somebody to talk to about whatever you want to talk about, and she can suggest some ways of dealing with stuff.

"I'll take you to meet her on Wednesday, and we can all talk for a few minutes, but then most of the time will be you and Ms. Counselor, and I'll just bring a book or go run some errands."


To counselor:

"S10 is doing OK but dealing with a lot of stuff.  There's been a custody case which just recently got settled but could flare up again.  And his mom has been diagnosed with BPD - she can be pretty difficult and we don't know exactly what that's like for S10 when he's alone with her.  We see this as adding some risk for S10, so we want to minimize that by giving him a resource for the long haul - no immediate problem to be solved but help dealing with all this stuff over the next few years."

This is more-or-less how I dealt with it when I took my kids - then 8 and 10 - to counseling for the first time, and it worked well - the counselor doesn't need all the details since those should come from S10, and the child doesn't need to be told much either since it's up to him to tell her what he needs to talk about... .
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2014, 05:58:08 PM »

How did he respond to the first counseling? Did he feel ok about it?

My son's counselor told me to say that she was a feelings doctor. S13 was 9 when he started seeing her.

One mistake I made in the beginning was to talk privately with T for 10-15 minutes after their session. I found out a few months ago that it made S10 feel like he couldn't trust the T or me. It was usually me telling T about things that were going on -- she didn't betray S13's confidence once. But S13 didn't know that.
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« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2014, 10:02:06 AM »

If not diagnosed, Just say "walking on egg shells". 

Their isn't one mental health professional that doesn't know that term.  I use it constantly and the response is always, are their mental health concerns?, is she diagnosed?  I say, it isn't constructive to raise the issue with her however I am no longer walking on those egg shells, I hope you understand. 
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Nope
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2014, 03:38:59 PM »

How did he respond to the first counseling? Did he feel ok about it?

My son's counselor told me to say that she was a feelings doctor. S13 was 9 when he started seeing her.

One mistake I made in the beginning was to talk privately with T for 10-15 minutes after their session. I found out a few months ago that it made S10 feel like he couldn't trust the T or me. It was usually me telling T about things that were going on -- she didn't betray S13's confidence once. But S13 didn't know that.

Actually, that was exactly the problem with the first counselor. He did a full THREE sessions with BPD mom in the room basically complaining about him before he was allowed to meet with the counselor alone. She was a nice enough but SS10 already saw her as someone on BPD mom's side and so he never opened up to her. When his dad would call to ask for updates, the counselor constantly asked him what she could do to get SS10 to open up to her but we couldn't help because at that point the well was poisoned as for as SS10 was concerned and it was too late.

DH told SS that he was going to start counseling to help him deal with the changes in his life - would this work for your SS?  Counseling isn't just for "problems". Sometimes its to help explore feelings and thoughts.  It sounds like you SS has had a healthy attitude so far by not just following along on his BM's crazy train, so maybe this approach will be comfortable for him?

Yeah, we have emergency custody right now. Waiting for an actual final order before we can do anything. "Changes in life" is going to be how we talk to SD11 about her having a counselor since she is the "all good" child and therefore has been lying for BPD mom and clearly been through a whole lot of parentification. She pretends that everything that is happening, no matter how distressing is just fine and that she doesn't need help dealing with anything. Her completely chewed off finger nails tell another story though. So since it looks like hopefully the kids will be living here, that big change does seem like a pretty non-threatening way to talk about counseling.

If not diagnosed, Just say "walking on egg shells". 

Their isn't one mental health professional that doesn't know that term.  I use it constantly and the response is always, are their mental health concerns?, is she diagnosed?  I say, it isn't constructive to raise the issue with her however I am no longer walking on those egg shells, I hope you understand. 

Yeah, I think that's an important thing for the counselor to hear. Not just from their father's perspective, but also in understanding how these kids have been forced to live their lives up until now.

This thread has got me thinking about what may or may not have been said to SS10 by his BPD mom prior to his counseling sessions before. That's probably a good place to start the conversation with him, as we may have to deal with some myths.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2014, 04:34:50 PM »

This thread has got me thinking about what may or may not have been said to SS10 by his BPD mom prior to his counseling sessions before. That's probably a good place to start the conversation with him, as we may have to deal with some myths.

I wish I had been a little more careful about my role as parent in all of this -- sometimes it's just hard to imagine how kids see things. I was so earnest about getting help for S13 and kinda moved too fast. It ended up working out okay, but I really like your idea of checking in with SS10 to see what he thinks so you can figure out how to approach it in a way that works for him. If you give him enough space to get to know and trust a counselor, it could lead to some amazing breakthroughs. My son had a counselor he saw a few times a month, but he also developed a relationship with the school counselor. He pretty much did that all on his own -- he even sought her out a few times to talk when he felt overwhelmed at school. I think he told her more than he told the counselor I paid for, but it's possible his peer stuff at school felt more immediate and pressing. It's great that you're being so thoughtful about all this, Nope.

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