How do you emotionally and physically deal with your BPD's behavior?

[Samuel S.]

When your cravings are not met and when our BPDs' behavior really get to you, how do you emotionally and physically deal with it all? Of course, we thank goodness have the lessons here to read and to practice to the best of our ability; however, let's face it. No matter how we deal with it, it does take away your positive energy when all you want is to have a loving relationship.

For me, I have a difficult time with this. At first, my BPDw acted negatively in bits and pieces, but then, it became more frequent with her verbal abuse. At first, I tried tactfully talking with her, but that went nowhere quickly. Then, I found myself being on the defensive. Then, I went into counseling in order to cope with her. In fact, there were several times that she went in with me, but now, she says she has too many issues of her own and does not want to enter into couple counseling. So, she is getting frankly false help from a "medium counselor".

BTW, it got so bad physically for me about 5 years ago, that my blood pressure went up a lot. She went with me to my primary doctor, and I broke down by crying in front of her and the doctor. He didn't advise anything, but it made her realize what she was doing to me both emotionally and physically. Yet, she rationalized it all, and she still continued acting like a BPD. Also, BTW, she has never apologized, which also hurts a lot.

Now, while she has eased somewhat with her verbal abuse of me, she has been neglectful by staying her distance after work by studying, by doing her thing.

So, emotionally and physically on a personal level, I have been a wreck. The only ways I cope are to exercise, to teach, to tutor, to write and publish books, and to give workshops. It has been very helpful and so energizing, but I so desperately wish my BPDw would realize who I am.

When you come down right to it, it's been fight or flight. At first, I fought but only tactfully and respectfully. Now, due to her choice to be the way she has mistreated me and abused me, I have taken flight. It's like we are living in 2 separate worlds.

You might ask why am I in this relationship? I have been a firm believer of where there is life, there is hope. Also, below that harsh exterior of my BPDw, there is a frightened, hurt little girl. I am not here to rescue her. I am here out of love for her during those remote times that she is nice. Otherwise, I tune her out, I become hard on myself, and/or I leave.

So, back to the original question. How do you emotionally and physically deal with your BPD's behavior? Maybe, we can help each other on an emotional and on a physical level. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sugarlily]

My therapist taught me trauma release exercises. They are a bit strange the first time you try them but I find them really helpful as I hold emotional trauma in my body.

This link explains the exercises which take about 10-15mins

www.hrhneenerita.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/cbt-session-4-trauma-release-exercises.html

You can also buy a books and dvd which give background as well www.traumaprevention.com/

[LilHurt420]

This is something I have struggled with for years and I am currently struggling with.  I am also pregnant, so it makes it so much harder to deal with these emotions and the physical aspect of it.

Before I was pregnant I would deal with it by smoking or drinking to get away from the pain (not good I know).  Now I try to sleep as much as I can, and take benedryl to help me sleep since it's approved by my doctor.

My uBPDh acts exactly the same way as you described.  I have also used both fight or flight and neither work well.  When I fight back it turns into an all out screaming match and sends him off the wall and just using anything he can to hurt me (taking my things, breaking my stuff, or leaving himself to let me deal with everything alone)... .when I leave it only prolongs the fight because once I return I get accused of leaving to cheat, running away, etc.

I don't know why I stay in this marriage anymore other than our child (and one on the way) and financial reasons.  I wish more than anything he would realize what he's doing to me, but when I think he does (or he says he does) it only lasts a few hours/days before he's back to only thinking about himself.

[Samuel S.]

Well, I need to do something right now. I am all for mother-daughter time. My BPDw's going back to college the end of this month. Her D17 is going away to another college in October. It works out well that the two of them will be away at an exclusive hotel and doing all kinds of things. I am happy for them.

While I can accept this as being important for them, my BPDw is too busy otherwise to even go on a date with me, not alone to do even half of the stuff they are going to be doing.

So, I am happy for them, but I am mad, sad, and frustrated. Again, I need to do something right now with these emotions, but I am unable to say anything to them, which would only destroy their time together.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Samuel S.]

BTW, they both have planned this for the last couple of weeks without even mentioning a word to me about it. Granted, it is their thing, but to make it rather secretive and then spring it on me is kind of sad, too.

To top it all off, I am working, but I intend to have a good time without them being around when I am not working, if I have enough energy to do so.

Still, as far as being able to trust either one of them is rather hard to do. I guess they would probably tell me the day of their week trip. We had been so open and so communicative beforehand. Now, they are this way. It just goes to show you how distant they are to me. Of course, they are that way when they are around, anyway.

Unless you folks think I am way off base. 

[JohnLove]

No... .I don't think you're way off base. My BPDgf doesn't communicate as much about what's going on in her life as I would like and as I do with her with mine. I'm always yapping about stuff. If I find she has something to do she almost vanishes for a time or I become invisible... .I'm not sure.

When I go out with friends or I'm at work and I don't respond immediately... .I'm ignoring HER.

Hmmm... .go figure.

[Samuel S.]

This afternoon and this evening were extremely important for me to do a lot of listening and a lot of validating. My BPDw was already in a bad mood from work. She was invited to a manager's D1 birthday party, and the manager has 2 kids. My BPDw lost her oldest daughter who was 7 1/2 years old 15 years ago. So, she didn't want to be around them with her past, unfulfilled memories.

Then, I got some exciting news about my D40 who is expecting her 2nd child. I guess I shouldn't have shared this excitement and the sonogram, because that didn't help her, either. So, I guess I could have waited; yet, I was excited about this news! It is always possible that delaying this news would have prolonged her depressed feelings.

Then, my BPDw was getting negative about my side of my family, some of which is justified with most of it being mere fabrication and irrationalization on her part. Also, she was saying a lot of untruths about me. She has said this over and over again throughout the years, and I would defend my side of the family and me with negative results. So, I have just stopped doing so and just let her talk.

So, lost was the joy of my D40's baby, but I needed to validate my BPDw's monologue which she had to do. I empathize with her, because she had lost her child and this child's growing years. Yet, the whole evening was one long monologue by her and me validating when she would let me get a word in only once in a while.

Now, she is in her room, being tired from her day and being emotionally tired from her depression. BTW, she has this "medium counselor" whom she relies upon 100%. So, she won't see a psychiatrist or take any anti-depressing meds.

Now that she is in her room doing her thing, I am on this website and sharing my happiness with my Facebook friends and family.

So, today was a very difficult time for her emotionally, and I had to remain totally focused for a better part of 4 hours on her. Any thoughts or suggestions?

[Lilibeth]

Really, really sad and terrible, Samuel S.

Right now, i want to send you lots of hugs and positive energies as you search to find some direction that will take your mind away from the pain and concentrate on yourself. It's wonderful news about your D40. You have something joyful there to pin your mind to... .

Lilibeth

[Samuel S.]

Thank you, Lillibeth. I truly am so very happy for my D40! She is all heart!

My BPDw slept very little on Saturday night. So, I got ready yesterday, went out to do some errands, and saw a movie. She was somewhat okay when I returned, but she still has a long way to go!

She keeps on degrading others while she is hurting inside. She wants others to empathize with the pain she has, and she chooses to only look at the negatives of others instead of being much more realistic.

Your hugs and positive energies are truly much appreciated and frankly needed!