UBPD is a huge nag, and I'm nearing the end of my rope

[Depression = 72% of members]

Normally I can deal with the stupid, inane criticisms, but today, I can't. I had my first T session today and am feeling very emotionally drained, so I don't have a lot of tolerance for my uBPDh's nagging today. After dinner, he put some clothing in the dryer, and discovered that I had forgotten to clear the lint tray the night before. He told me, and I apologized because I had genuinely forgotten. That SHOULD have been it. Instead, he proceeded to "inform" me that it was third time in the last 2 months I had forgotten to clear the tray and that I need to be more responsible, blah blah blah. I just didn't have it in me to validate or ignore, so I said, "Ok. I made a mistake. That happens because I'm human. Please move on and don't make a big deal out of it." Well of course that did it, and he was off to the races, accusing me of being irresponsible, overly sensitive, and insisting that it is his RIGHT, as my husband, to be able to tell me about the mistakes I make whenever he pleases and however often he likes, and I should never be upset by this. Again, I usually do pretty well with not sweating the small stuff, but this is becoming a bigger problem.

Can anyone else relate to the overbearing, bossy nag? How do you work with that? Setting a boundary? I've tried using SET before ("I can understand why you're upset. That must be frustrating for you. Actually, I don't NEED you to point out all of my mistakes.", but to no avail. Thoughts?

[Cat21]

Normally I can deal with the stupid, inane criticisms, but today, I can't. I had my first T session today and am feeling very emotionally drained, so I don't have a lot of tolerance for my uBPDh's nagging today. After dinner, he put some clothing in the dryer, and discovered that I had forgotten to clear the lint tray the night before. He told me, and I apologized because I had genuinely forgotten. That SHOULD have been it. Instead, he proceeded to "inform" me that it was third time in the last 2 months I had forgotten to clear the tray and that I need to be more responsible, blah blah blah. I just didn't have it in me to validate or ignore, so I said, "Ok. I made a mistake. That happens because I'm human. Please move on and don't make a big deal out of it." Well of course that did it, and he was off to the races, accusing me of being irresponsible, overly sensitive, and insisting that it is his RIGHT, as my husband, to be able to tell me about the mistakes I make whenever he pleases and however often he likes, and I should never be upset by this. Again, I usually do pretty well with not sweating the small stuff, but this is becoming a bigger problem.

Can anyone else relate to the overbearing, bossy nag? How do you work with that? Setting a boundary? I've tried using SET before ("I can understand why you're upset. That must be frustrating for you. Actually, I don't NEED you to point out all of my mistakes.", but to no avail. Thoughts?

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[verytired]

Cat21,

Yes, I can really relate. I'm also beginning to think that pwBPD have some sort of superhuman memory for storing memories of those times when we do something they don't agree with or we do something in a less than PERFECT manner or we forget something trivial. My BPDw remembers such minor circumstances from decades ago and relives (sometimes re-enacts them) them OVER & OVER & OVER for my education.

But whatever you do don't point out the mistakes the pwBPD makes!

As a matter of fact, my wife very seldom cleans the lint filter after she uses the dryer but I will say nothing because it is such a minor issue and besides I know it would prompt a 2-3 hour lecture of how rotten, thoughtless, selfish and stupid I am.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. Just stay safe

[maxsterling]

I made a great dinner for her the other night to be ready when she got home from work.  She wsa very appreciative.  Afterwards, i started to clear the table and she said she would do it.  She picked up my plate and said "I wish you wouldn't leave your used napkin on the plate... ."     Sheesh.  That's a pet peeve that doesn't even make any sense!  Either way if she is cleaning the dishes (as she volunteered to do), she will have to pick it up and put it in the trash!  And a minute later, she picked up a dirty knife from the counter, claiming that was left over from my breakfast.  I told her I did not eat breakfast at home, and that was left from cooking dinner.  This is another pet peeve of hers, dirty dishes on the counter.  Mind you, she can pile the dishes so high in both sinks you can't even turn the water on (a pet peeve of mine), yet a dirty knife on the sink is a no-no.  And do I ever complain about the dishes in the sink?  Nope.  Because I feel I have to get used to the way she does things, and it's easier for me to just put them in the dishwasher than to start something. 

BTW, she admits to being a nag.  And so does my BPD SIL.  I'm not sure how they can understand they are being a nag, and seem to understand that it's hurtful, yet they can't keep themselves from doing it.

[bpbreakout]

Sorry I can't suggest anything practical but your post reminded me that at MC this week BPDw listed one of the 3 marriage problems in our marriage was that I wouldn't let her "give me advice". The sort of thing she is referring to are the way I drive, cook, sweep floors, hang out clothes' clean toilets and so on. It's not so much what is being done but how. I have no idea why someone would want to provide so much advice in these areas 

[MammaMia]

Oh yes, my 40 yo son does this until I could scream.  Nothing I do is ever "perfect" according to him, so he will re-do things as simple as bagging trash.  It is the mundane, totally irrelevant things that drive him nuts.  Everything MUST be done EXACTLY as he does it (down to the tiniest detail) or it is completely wrong.  He seems to enjoy and yet be very frustrated by my "total incompetence", and yet if I suggest he do something himself (to meet his expectations of how it should be done properly) he complains that he is sick and tired of having to do EVERYTHING, and I have done nothing to help him in the past 40 years. WOW!  I am the only person who has stuck by him through years and years of BPD issues.  Everyone else has given up on him.

I think it is pretty clear that BPD is often accompanied by moderate to severe OCD.  And, yes... .they remember every infraction, no matter how ridiculous, and they feel obligated to remind us over and over and over how stupid we are. 

My BPDs does not live with me.  I could not do it, and those who have spouses with this disorder have my deepest sympathy.

[Sugarlily]

Sorry I can't suggest anything practical but your post reminded me that at MC this week BPDw listed one of the 3 marriage problems in our marriage was that I wouldn't let her "give me advice". The sort of thing she is referring to are the way I drive, cook, sweep floors, hang out clothes' clean toilets and so on. It's not so much what is being done but how. I have no idea why someone would want to provide so much advice in these areas 

I have the same issue, I am told I am too independent for not accepting advice on all these things. My bf can see it as a rejection if I do not accept his "advice" which to me always sounds like criticism. This is the part of BPD I find the hardest.