How to react to rage

[nightmoves]

I have gotten better when my BPDw decides to not discuss an issue but instead RAGE at me.

I have (finally) found it within my power to simply walk away. (not as soon as I should perhaps... .but a big improvement nonetheless... .;-)

After some time - I feel the gnawing need to try to reconnect , text, talk something as I don't like the feeling of not "getting past it"... .and feel it is ridiculous to stay in a negative place.

Now - looking back- I think I (ME) ALWAYS did this. In effect - capitulate if only to be the one who was asking to stop, get past it, etc...

My question is - am I really putting myself in a bad place by doing this? In a sense - she NEVER has to worry about the situation... .or her behavior... .etc.

How would one suggest the BEST way to handle this ?

I asked her once... why didnt SHE have angst over us having argues or being at odds.

Her answer?

"why should I feel angst about this rotten relationship"

(OUCH)

Am I just so much a :nice guy" that I actuallly take AWAY any angst in her... .but "trying to make up" each time... .

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Marvis]

I'm feeling the same way with my uBPDbf. I've gotten better at reacting in more of a calm manner which, he admits, doesn't give him the reaction he craves. He wants the drama when he's in that rage-y mood. It usually ends up in the silent treatment for days, with a few times of him making sure that it's all my fault, I don't care about him, etc. Thing is, the silent treatment kills me. He knows it and if I try to smooth things over its me attacking him, blaming him but in reality it's me trying to get him to talk to me, to find the bigger issue. I don't know what I do wrong, but is there a right? I don't know if there is anymore. Basically,  I'm in the same place as you are. I hate the negative energy especially when it comes to my relationship.  It's pointless but I guess we just have to accept that this is our reality. Take it or leave it. As much as there is negativity,  I see way more positive attributes in my boyfriend. You can't have one without the other. I know he's in there, somewhere, loving me as much as I'm loving him. It's just harder for him to show it. I wish I had some profound insight for you, my experience has turned into a rambling.  I wish you the best.

[Theo41]

Night moves, I have stopped apologizing when she rages inappropriately. I remove myself from the situation and give her the time to come to her senses and either apologize or act nice.

I remove myself several ways:

1. Go to my room.

2. Take a walk and go to an Alanon meeting ( Alanon is helpful,very)

3. Go on a trip.

4. Not do certain things with her. Such as entertain or travel. The stress brings out the bad behavior

Additionally I talk to her and tell he how much pain her behavior causes me.

She's changing. Much easier to live with. More loving. The secret ingredient is to walk through the sick feelings that we feel during a fight and HANG TOUGH. ESPECIALLY DONT APOLOGIZE WHEN ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Good luck. Keep reading and posting. The help here is terrific. THEO

[Ceruleanblue]

I agree with the poster above about not apologizing when it is not your fault. I think that makes the person with BPD worse, and they come to expect you to just apologize, even when they know it's not your fault. They are more than willing to blame others, instead of taking responsibility themselves. Now, I'm sure all people with BPD are not like this, but my uBPDh certainly is. He'd rather blame me, than take a good look at his part in things.

I too mostly try to walk away when his rages get ugly, but I still struggle with wanting to try to calm him or try to de escalate things. I realize that I just can't, but it always feels like I should be able to. I now remind myself that, when he gets like that, he isn't thinking clearly, and that if I stick around, I'm going to end up paying a steep price. I always come away emotionally wounded.

[scrambler]

sounds alot like my wife. whem we fight, im always the one that tries to break the ice, start talkng, etc.   

her new favorite line is quit doing stupid things!  or, i did it because of you... .

im am getting better on just walking away, but the urge to settle the argument always returns

[Vexed]

her new favorite line is quit doing stupid things!  or, i did it because of you... .

Must be a BPD classic line.  "If you don't want me to get mad, then quit doing stupid things!"  My girls favorite line.   Then of course anytime she does something really bad is "I did it because you said I would"  love that line.

[waverider]

Maybe you need to remove yourself sooner. By leaving it late you have got yourself worked up and she has satisfied most of her need to project her rage onto you, then you have taken with you, she is now soothed.

The result is she calms down quicker than you.

If you are not productive when you leave you stew on it. So this increases the desire to fix it.

If you learn to leave earlier, you dont take it with you, nor is it as easy to pass the blame for the drama onto you.