BPD stuff, do you guys deal with this too?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just looking at the stuff we are usually dealing with and wanted to know if any of you out there deal with the same stuff... .

1)She places weird importance on  SD5's "stuff" literally clothes, books, toys. Some things become "precious" for no reason. Clothes seem to be a hot button, ie she claims we have her(mom's) clothes and yet keeps the nice clothes we send SD5 back in and we get SD5 back in rags or outdated/outgrown pj's.

Demands stuffed animals back that are not ones she bought. Like they are hers and she "needs" them.( the mom, not the child).

She refuses all items we send back with kiddo, like books and toys that kiddo wants to take to moms. Mom treats them as "coodies" that are trash we are trying to unload on her.

2) Mom can't be clear enough that she "hates us" (me, step-mom and dad) and even talks about how she wishes us harm and that we are in danger of mom. Then talks to therapists etc how she fears for her safety because of us. There has been no conflict on our side.

3)Lately kiddo has been violent to our pets, as BPD mom has advised SD5 to hate our pets. This is very disturbing as last week SD5 tried to strangle our 7 yr old cat she previously loved. Now claims she hates the cat and that "jesus" told her to hate the cat.

4)SD5 had begun to vocalize that she fears all men or teenage boys because they 'hate her and want to do harm to her'. She became overtly fearful of men in the mall that walked by us and she told me what their thoughts were (which were all coming from her head).

5)SD5 comes back from mom's telling us how sick she is, even though there are no physical signs of illness. Then proceeds to tell us how mom told her she was and is very, very sick because she has to spend time with  dad and "step-monster".

6) SD5 seems overly concerned with how many "days" she has with each parent and that the time share is "unfair". (she is with us five nights and mom two nights each week per court order).

7)BPD mom talks about court decisions with SD5 even though she has been admonished numerous times to stop discussing court/timeshare/custody etc with SD5.

Just writing this down I realize that if I didn't have this board, who else am I going to tell this crazy stuff to and not look crazy myself, or so troubled that people would flee from us. Jeeez, what a mess.  :'( 

[bravhart1]

Just looking at the stuff we are usually dealing with and wanted to know if any of you out there deal with the same stuff... .

1)She places weird importance on  SD5's "stuff" literally clothes, books, toys. Some things become "precious" for no reason. Clothes seem to be a hot button, ie she claims we have her(mom's) clothes and yet keeps the nice clothes we send SD5 back in and we get SD5 back in rags or outdated/outgrown pj's.

Demands stuffed animals back that are not ones she bought. Like they are hers and she "needs" them.( the mom, not the child).

She refuses all items we send back with kiddo, like books and toys that kiddo wants to take to moms. Mom treats them as "coodies" that are trash we are trying to unload on her.

2) Mom can't be clear enough that she "hates us" (me, step-mom and dad) and even talks about how she wishes us harm and that we are in danger of mom. Then talks to therapists etc how she fears for her safety because of us. There has been no conflict on our side.

3)Lately kiddo has been violent to our pets, as BPD mom has advised SD5 to hate our pets. This is very disturbing as last week SD5 tried to strangle our 7 yr old cat she previously loved. Now claims she hates the cat and that "jesus" told her to hate the cat.

4)SD5 had begun to vocalize that she fears all men or teenage boys because they 'hate her and want to do harm to her'. She became overtly fearful of men in the mall that walked by us and she told me what their thoughts were (which were all coming from her head).

5)SD5 comes back from mom's telling us how sick she is, even though there are no physical signs of illness. Then proceeds to tell us how mom told her she was and is very, very sick because she has to spend time with  dad and "step-monster".

6) SD5 seems overly concerned with how many "days" she has with each parent and that the time share is "unfair". (she is with us five nights and mom two nights each week per court order).

7)BPD mom talks about court decisions with SD5 even though she has been admonished numerous times to stop discussing court/timeshare/custody etc with SD5.

Just writing this down I realize that if I didn't have this board, who else am I going to tell this crazy stuff to and not look crazy myself, or so troubled that people would flee from us. Jeeez, what a mess.  :'( 

[Thunderstruck]

Just looking at the stuff we are usually dealing with and wanted to know if any of you out there deal with the same stuff... .

1)She places weird importance on  SD5's "stuff" literally clothes, books, toys. Some things become "precious" for no reason. Clothes seem to be a hot button, ie she claims we have her(mom's) clothes and yet keeps the nice clothes we send SD5 back in and we get SD5 back in rags or outdated/outgrown pj's.

Demands stuffed animals back that are not ones she bought. Like they are hers and she "needs" them.( the mom, not the child).

She refuses all items we send back with kiddo, like books and toys that kiddo wants to take to moms. Mom treats them as "coodies" that are trash we are trying to unload on her.

2) Mom can't be clear enough that she "hates us" (me, step-mom and dad) and even talks about how she wishes us harm and that we are in danger of mom. Then talks to therapists etc how she fears for her safety because of us. There has been no conflict on our side.

3)Lately kiddo has been violent to our pets, as BPD mom has advised SD5 to hate our pets. This is very disturbing as last week SD5 tried to strangle our 7 yr old cat she previously loved. Now claims she hates the cat and that "jesus" told her to hate the cat.

4)SD5 had begun to vocalize that she fears all men or teenage boys because they 'hate her and want to do harm to her'. She became overtly fearful of men in the mall that walked by us and she told me what their thoughts were (which were all coming from her head).

5)SD5 comes back from mom's telling us how sick she is, even though there are no physical signs of illness. Then proceeds to tell us how mom told her she was and is very, very sick because she has to spend time with  dad and "step-monster".

6) SD5 seems overly concerned with how many "days" she has with each parent and that the time share is "unfair". (she is with us five nights and mom two nights each week per court order).

7)BPD mom talks about court decisions with SD5 even though she has been admonished numerous times to stop discussing court/timeshare/custody etc with SD5.

Just writing this down I realize that if I didn't have this board, who else am I going to tell this crazy stuff to and not look crazy myself, or so troubled that people would flee from us. Jeeez, what a mess.  :'( 

1) Yes. Yes. Yes. Uniforms for school are especially a hot button. We purchase uniforms and they all somehow end up at uBPDbm's. We are left with a pile of old cruddy tshirts and shorts. SD9 can't very well wear those to school. When we ask for uBPDbm to provide a uniform she claims we are the ones stealing them. 

2) Yes. Of course. uBPDbm claims she is happier than she has been in her life but won't call me by my name (refers to me as "that girl" and takes any opportunity she can to denigrate DH or me.

5) SD9 was saying she was allergic to our dog for a brief second but that one never really stuck.

6) Yes. uBPDbm makes her feel like we "always" have SD9 and bm "never" does, even though it's generally about 50/50.

7) Yes. Constantly. Ugh. DH will file a motion and then get a phone call from SD9 asking why we're trying to take her away from her mom... . 

[Nope]

You don't sound crazy at all. When I see posts like this it just amazes me how similar the symptoms can be.

1. We live three states away so we get the kids for longer vacations. BPD mom sends the kids in stained an poorly fitting clothes that appear to have come from Good Will. If we send them home with stuff we generally never see it again. We always send them back with the stuff the came wish but if one f the kids forgets something and leaves it here we get a nasty text about it pretty immediately.

2. She simply can't deal with the fact that I exist. When she can deal with their dad or their paternal grandmother (who she has always hated) without me being involved she is sweet as punch to them as if she's trying to train them that she'll be nice (in person, anyway) as long as I'm not around. So isn't it better fir everyone to just exclude me?    She was the one who demanded the divorce and it was eight years ago. She's had a kid by another man since then.

3. No violence toward the pets but BPD mom did see pictures of our two cats and go out and get two cats that look just like ours. She seems to push the kids to say that they like those ones at her house better.

4. SD11 is actually learning the wrong things in the opposite way. She told me at the beginning of the summer that her mom was dating a man for two whole weeks before introducing him to her and her brother. According to SD11 her mom waited that long because she wanted to make sure it was a good relationship first and that now her mom wants to marry him. In later conversations with SD11 about a boy she liked at camp I did clarify that she should take more significant time when deciding if she wants to be in a relationship because you don't always know who someone is right away. She was truly surprised by this.

6. My Skids have a very warped perspective of "fair" because BPD mom has the kids about 42 to 45 weeks a year. We get them for part of the summer, every other major holiday, and about two or three other weekends a year when we can afford to go visit. But apparently it's unfair to count the school year as her parenting time because, according to their mom (and SD11) we take all the long weekends and their mom doesn't get to do anything fun with them.

7. After we spent a full day and a half in court for custody where we had the GAL, BPD mom's own mother, and three of SS10's teachers testify that BPD mom says too much about court to kids, SS10 came for the summer visit and asked us why his grandmother testified for daddy's side.

[PinkieV]

1. uBPDbm made SS13 pack and unpack for at least a week before he came to live with us.  There was a slight chance that she wouldn't be sentenced to a year in jail, but depending on her mood that week, she would have him pack, then unpack.  And it was just one box, in the end full of his toys and oversize hand-me-downs from his brother.  He wasn't allowed to bring any pictures, etc., even though when we finally picked him up she was already incarcerated.  He could have taken more, but BM said no, so that was that.

2. DH is the "evil ex" and I'm the b*%#h that took over his life, threw money around, and pushed him into this.  And this has been posted on FB where she has tagged SS in the post.

3. Thankfully no violence, but yes, SS does seem to have pressure to like BM's dog more than our two.

4. SS still thinks that BM had to embezzle from her employer so they wouldn't be homeless, and that DH never paid a dime and didn't care enough to visit them.  In truth, she moved the boys away, and DH had to stay where he was at with his j-o-b.  The interesting thing is, her house is going up for auction in two weeks, so I wonder if SS wonders why she doesn't just steal some more?  We'll be working on these untruths in counseling very soon.

5. SS hasn't had this happen, but BM had a nurse practitioner diagnose his younger half sister with autism and bipolar - she even has disabled placards on her car!  Sister's only problem is that she's a spoiled brat.

6. Since we just got full custody in June, we haven't heard much about this; however, last weekend she told SS to ask DH if he could come visit in October, completely ignoring that the court ordered e-mail communication, and that she'd have to pay for it.  She also posts on FB that SS truly wants to live with her but DH won't let him, and DH isn't being fair.

7. BM brought all three kids to the emergency custody hearing, and argued with the judge when he directed her to take them outside because it was completely inappropriate.  She also had SS text DH "why are you tearing apart our family?" and showed them the GAL's report.

It's like they're all related in a really screwed up family!

[bravhart1]

wow. thanks for your replies. sadly even though we are all going through the same stuff it strangely makes me feel better that we are all in the same boat (sorry)

I feel like i am alone in this quagmire of "stuff" all the time, this board does make me feel like there are people out there that "get this" and that we aren''t so weird and wrong.

The worst of it of course is that so much of the time I feel like I am trying to be a better mom to the kiddo than she is and that it's her own kid she keeps messing up. i just can't relate to a mom who puts herself first. Goes against the mom code.

[david]

My ex did the same kind of things. Still does sometimes but not as much.

When the boys were 4 and 8 they would say things like I was evil, mean, abusive, etc. I read Divorce Posion and things on parental alienation, found a T to help me, and this site. Eventually I learned to counter the bs.

Our boys used to call me an evil monster. I never reacted and really didn't know what to do. One day our youngest said I was a monster. I stood up, put my arms out like Frankenstein, walked towards him, and said "fe fi fo fum I am an evil monster". He smiled and ran to escape the monster. This went on for a while, a few months, since he enjoyed it. Totally defused the venom from ex.

They also used to say I always punished them and they hated me. I received plenty of emails from my ex about it too so I knew where it was coming from. One day we stopped at a Wawa. I ran in to get a cup of coffee. I also bought an Icee for them. They were right out front and I could see them the entire time. I put the Icee behind my back and walked out to the car. I opened the door and in a stern voice said, "You guys better drink this Icee and enjoy it or you are both in biiig trouble." They both looked at me startled. Then they smiled. They stopped accusing me of punishing them. They still asked to be punished when we stop at a Wawa. They are 15 and 11 now.

I learned to take ex's false accusations to their somewhat natural consequences and they see the  absurdity.

My kids have learned, on their own, that anything they value they bring to my place for safe keeping. Ex will take their things when they are with me. Months later they will just show up. Some things disappeared for good.

Ex has a dog, from our marriage, and tells the kids I hate dogs. I have picked the boys up at her place many times and she is not there. They bring the dog out and she still remembers me. She gets all excited and licks me, wags her tale, etc. We have even taken the dog for walks.

[Nope]

wow. thanks for your replies. sadly even though we are all going through the same stuff it strangely makes me feel better that we are all in the same boat (sorry)

I feel like i am alone in this quagmire of "stuff" all the time, this board does make me feel like there are people out there that "get this" and that we aren''t so weird and wrong.

The worst of it of course is that so much of the time I feel like I am trying to be a better mom to the kiddo than she is and that it's her own kid she keeps messing up. i just can't relate to a mom who puts herself first. Goes against the mom code.

I've found that these kinds of threads are great for reminding me that what their BPD mom is doing is just a cluster of symptoms. Looking at all the crazy behavior as a symptom of a disorder helps be to detach and not get so stuck in the drama.

I remember another thread where someone brought up the clothes thing. I said to my fiance, "Hey, guess what? Apparently sending the kids in rags and never returning the nice stuff we send out is par for the course." He was surprised by that.

[david]

My ex left in 2007 with our two boys. Needless to say I was frantic. It took two weeks before I was able to see the boys. It took an attorney. A few months later ex ransacked the house when I was not there. She literally emptied the house of over 98% of the contents. By then we had a temp custody order. I realized I had no clothes for the kids since she took it all. I called my atty and of course her atty replied that I was lying. A few hours before I was to pick them up I recieved a call from my atty's secretary. I will never forget the qoute, " Mr. David, I just recieved a phone call from stbx's atty. Apparently Mrs. stbx confessed and that I would get some clothes when I picked the boys up." I asked if that was normal atty speak and she assured me it was not. I went to pick the boys up. I was given three trash bags of clothes. Most either did not fit or needed to be thrown in the trash. The ones that did not fit I gave to the Salvation Army. The others went in the trash.

About a week later I went to a Walmart that was closing to be expanded into a super center. They had clothes 50 to 70% off. I purchased everything I could find in their sizes. It was a shopping cart full of clothes that also went about 2 feet higher than the top of the cart. Within a few months I noticed all the clothes that I had for the kids had holes in them or just fit. I realized stbx had been keeping all their new clothes and giving me the junk she still had. At the time, I still was unable to grasp what was going on. It was just so foreign to me and I just couldn't believe that she would/could do such a thing. Eventually I got out of the fog. Ex still tries the same childish stuff she did back then. I just found ways to work around it. The youngest wears the same clothes he came with. Our oldest is 15 and takes care of his own clothes so that became a non issue with him.

Two years ago I noticed our youngest had no underwear. Yep, you guessed it, she was sending him to school when I picked him up at school with no underwear. That was new and it did get by me. I explained to our son that he should never leave a house with no underwear on and he made sure he had some on wherever he came from. I never accused his mom and just acted as if it was the first time.

do you guys deal with this stuff too ? You betcha. It's all part of the disorder.

It's been seven years now and, for the most part, I am so used to it I just anticipate things she will do. Occasionally she tries something new but it is nowhere near as sick as before. After a while I just think they run out of ideas especially if they don't get a reaction. They need the drama for whatever reason. I am as boring as I can be when I deal with her. I only communicate through email and stick to facts about the boys. Now it mostly consists of pick up times or holiday schedules that are dictated by the courts.  Any emails that attack me, I still get them but less, I put in a folder and ignore.

[trying2coparent]

1) Yes! She always sends the kids in old, torn, or majorly stainede clothing. She complains I send them back in those very same clothes she sends them in! Tip: If money is tight, buy clothes in discount stores and thrift stores. They will outgrow them fast anyways.

3) No, but both of my kids have Special Needs that the school and doctors see, yet BPDex says she they are fine at her place. Ironically, I receive a call every month or so asking me to pick up one or more of the kids because she can't handle them anymore.

4) Not yet, but reminds me of my former step-daughter, who still lives with BPDex.

5) Sick, yes. She even keeps them from school. S7 had 16 absences last year and 27 the year before then! She keeps him home for days before even bothering taking him to the doctor to get him meds.

6) Sometimes they do. When they do, I make it a point of doing something fun to remind them how good of a parent I am. Offering the more stabile home does has its disadvantages so be careful as it can become an issue when they become teens and begin walking on their feet.

7) Yes, yes, yes. She even tells the kids to call their boyfriends, now husband, ":)ad." Excuse me? That's a title that must be earned, not just given a week into a relationship ("face palm".

Reading this gives me hope realizing others are facing the same demons.

[livednlearned]

bravhart1,

The biomom in your situation sounds very ill. Sometimes I think the low-grade insidious stuff leaves a deeper impact because it's so hard to work around it. Too small for court, but big enough to create chronic aggravation.

A lot of that stuff also sounds like alienation. Do you have majority time with SD5?

[bravhart1]

yes, we have five nights, she has friday and saturday, school became an issue, (always late, claiming kiddo was sick when she wasn't keeping her home) so she has no school responsibilities.

we are heading into a full custody eval soon so mom can get a psych eval.