How predictable is your pwBPD?

[Ceruleanblue]

Today, my husband said he was too sick to go to work, but I know he stayed home because he is scared. He hasn't done this a lot, but he's done it enough that I remember it, and realize, in some ways he is predictable.

He got scared because instead of reminding him how committed I am to us, which has been my norm for so long, I told him that I'm inches from a breakdown, and that I can't keep giving my all, only to have him tear me down, belittle me, and tell me I'm not "trying". Which is hilarious, because I can honestly say I'm reading up, learning, trying new things, working on my relationship(using tools I've learned here), working on his kids accepting me(right now they refuse to be around me for no reason)... .but I can honestly say, as hard as I try, I can't see where he is trying at all. Except with his adult kids, he never stops trying to get them to accept me, and they just won't.

I never thought I'd get to the point where I just thought my efforts are futile, but unless he seeks help, there is no progress. I modify how I deal with him, but it has not given me very good results, and he still rages, and he's escalated.

I've decided my mental health is worth more than my marriage. I wanted my marriage to succeed, but I can't make it a success on my own. I need to get to a better place emotionally, and mentally.

I'm glad he is somewhat predictable is some regards. This seems to be an endless cycle though.  He only can play nice when he thinks I've reached the end of my rope, or he's pushed me too far. To me, that isn't anything resembling true love.

Love shouldn't hurt, and this does. Often. It's sad that I can mostly predict his unpleasant behaviors, but I'm always so shocked if he does something nice.

How predictable is your pwBPD? Does it help you, or does the predictability upset you(as in nothing seems to change)?

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[Cat21]

I'm sorry, ceruleanblue. But it sounds like you are making some positive decisions about putting you first: that is great! I'm working on that, too.

Sometimes I can predict my pwBPD's behavior, but usually don't know the exact moment when. For example, we had a wonderful 2 week vacation with no issues; it was awesome! But, I knew that as soon as we got home, things would go back to "normal". Sure enough, 2 fights in the past 5 days. May not seem like a lot, but before that, it was a good 3 weeks with nothing major. I've tried to notice a cycle, but I think it has more to do with current stresses. This fall is going to  be jam packed for us both, so I'm mentally preparing. It sucks!

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I am seeing that I have to look out for my mental health. When I'm not healthy mentally it feels like he gets satisfaction out of that. It's funny, I entered into this relationship with boundaries intact, knowing what I wanted, and how I wanted to be treated. All that has slowly been chipped away, and I'm the one left a mess.

I can see the coming battle at times, but I'm just tired of living under that kind of awareness. I'm tired of having to be on guard, at all times. And in my case, it isn't just with my husband, but it's with his three angry adult daughters. I feel like I've gone through a WAR.

Sometimes I guess retreat, to recharge, or even throwing in the white flag, when you know you've exhausted every option is the only thing to do. I can only change or work on ME, and my husband is finally getting some help, but he's done that before, only to do off meds. He just told me his new focus is going to be on his adult kids(who won't allow me around), that he is going to be spending weekends with them. I told him I'm close to a nervous breakdown, two weeks ago he told me he was only half committed to our marriage, and I now get his focus in going to be on them?

I'd rather come here, get support, be with my family who'd seen how I've tried to hold all this together, than be with him anyway. I don't have to beg to be with someone. I'm a good person, inside and out, and I don't need to keep trying when it is getting me nowhere.

I want us to work out, but I'm now at a total loss... .

[LilHurt420]

this all sounds very familiar and things that I also deal with

My uBPDh is extremely predictable at this point.  I am able to anticipate what he'll do ahead of time which helps me not expect much else.  He still gets me caught up in emotions at times, but it's not as bad as it was before.  I made the mistake of telling him when I knew what he's going to do, and that makes him made (I think because he's upset I've figured it out so it doesn't affect me as much... .which is his goal).

[waverider]

My partners behavior is very predictable. I can see a circumstance arising a head of time. I know what her reaction is likely to be and also what excuse she is going to use to make up to cover it up/get out of it. I know the fib before she has even realized the need to make one up. The nonsense is realistic and believable,m but it is so predicatble.

Its like a kid who turns up to school every Tuesday morning and the dog ate his homework because its math subject first period. But only on Tuesdays. Seriously expecting it to believed every week. Anyone who questions it is just a bully.