She's doing better, I feel worse

[maxsterling]

Does anyone else feel this way when their pwBPD strings together a few good days?  Considering how long I've dealt with negative behavior, rages, abuse, accusations, self harm, self loathing, and the rest, I would think that I should feel better and relieved now that she has had a few stable days in a row.  But I don't.  I feel depressed, lost, and just less interested in the relationship.  I'm not sure what it is.  Some thoughts:

- I don't trust the new behavior, and my reaction is to take a deep breath knowing what is coming.

- If this new stable behavior becomes permanent, that changes the whole dynamic of the relationship, where I have to adapt to a new role.  And that makes me feel unstable.

- even though I try to do this all along, having her not in crisis 24/7 means my focus is back on me.  The constant crisis was always giving me something to think about in the back of my mind, and I may have been subconsciously using it as an excuse not to get things done.  Without the crisis, I not have room to look ahead, and I am overwhelmed by that.

Does anyone else get this lost feeling when their pwBPD strings together a stable period after a long period of instability? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byfaith]

Hi Maxsterling 

I would probably have that feeling of not trusting the changed behavior. Maybe some individuals subconsciously "enjoy" the role of managing someone and they don't know where they fit if they are not managing something or someone? Just throwing that out there. What makes our life meaningful? It was suggested to me by my counselor yesterday why it is that I try to be the one to hold our marriage together even though it means I make myself miserable doing it, even though I know my wife's pattern of behavior over the long run will not change unless she seriously seeks out help.

I have not been in your shoes yet having to deal with that feeling. I do feel lost when I see or hear glimmers of hope that my wife may be seeing that she needs help but then never does anything about it and the cycle of instability continues.

[Grey Kitty]

I think that real improvement requires real self-examination and real changes, and generally some real remorse about prior (abusive) behavior. (I've seen that with my wife. Much of it was gradual change, but there was a very abrupt change... .actually driven by her acknowledging and dropping self-hatred, and switching to loving herself)

What you describe looks more like a "streak" of good behavior, which isn't quite the same thing. I understand why you are nervous about the next shoe dropping (or being thrown at you!)

[pavilion]

Yep! It's why I realised that I couldn't do it anymore. Even when he was having stable times I could not trust that. I'd get "I've been stable for a month now. See the book I'm reading is really helping". I wanted to trust that so much but I couldn't and can't let myself fall into the relationship with open arms again because I am fearful of the next onslaught. Also the pwBPD senses your distance and will therefore try to bring you closer with various tactics. My fear is / was that if I truly let myself be open to him again and trust the relationship and him then that is when he will push me away again. I wonder if that's how these relationships often last so long?

I speak as though I am out of the FOG but he has only been my ex for 5 days and I haven't gone NC. But I know the feeling well. In fact I am debating whether to go back to the undecided board. :-(

[maxsterling]

thanks guys.  Thins are slowly returning to BPD land.  The negativity is slowly creeping back in.  Overall, she's still about as positive as I have seen her.  She's mostly positive about her job, although a few times she has mentioned "I wonder how much my paycheck will be for."  That can be interpreted as "I'm completely obsessed about money, and if it's not enough I will freak out."  Yesterday morning, she said she was depressed.  I'm not sure if she asked her Dr for anti-depressants again.  I'm thinking about being stern with her on this one and telling her that she needs some kind of depression help in order for the relationship to succeed.  So, we went for a drive out of town, and it went mostly well.  And we were able to talk about a few things without her getting stressed - it was a good sign.

- She's back to obsessively thinking about having a baby.  About when we would try, how we would take time off work, whether she would pump or use formula.  Usually this has been a bad warning sign of a dysregulation to follow.  Hard for me go go along with her projections when her positive mood is only days old.  But when I mostly just listened, she didn't get mad at me.

- She's now thinking about having a wedding rather than go to the courthouse.  Up until yesterday, she was dead set on just having a courthouse wedding.  Great with me, but I certainly had a hard time handling the abrupt switch in attitude. 

- She told me she wants to go to New York for her fall break.  I think that is positive.  But, I am considering not going because that would mean I get a week to myself. 

- A family outing this September I was thinking of cancelling because I was fearful of leaving her alone for a few days.  But yesterday she asked about it with a positive tone, and now I am thinking it is doable. 

- I was able to discuss a few things that are going on with my family lately without her stressing out.  Yesterday would have been my nieces 3rd birthday had she not passed away at 11 months.  I was having a hard time with that.  In the past, she has made negative comments, but yesterday she was supportive.

- I also discussed the issues my brother and his wife are having.  I mentioned how they aren't sleeping in the same room, not wearing their rings, how they are financially stressed, and how she has admitted to me that she has abused him for 10 years.  BPD fiance asked what kind of abuse, and I said manipulation and physical.  I also mentioned that my nephew has been witness to that abuse and it has affected him.  BPD fiance then mentioned that her biggest fear with having a child is if she can't control her raging.  I left the conversation at that, because if I said what I really wanted to say (that I want her to show more control over her emotions before I want to even think about a child), all that would accomplish is a complete melt down.  Her thoughts were already in that direction.

- while I was cooking dinner, she mentioned something she hear on NPR that the marriages most likely to work are ones where the housework is 50/50, and then asked me if she does enough.  Why does she even need to ask?  She knows she does nothing household related.  Sensing a trap, I deflected and told her that I just do the household chores that I would have done anyway.

-  I told her it felt like I had a million things to do, and that going for a drive was a good thing.  She then said "You have a million things to do because you are taking care of me."  True.  But at least this time she not immediately shift the burden back on me by making a screaming statement like, "I DON'T ASK YOU DO DO THOSE THINGS FOR ME!  AND IF I DO YOU CAN SAY NO! IT'S YOUR FAULT IF YOU ARE STRESSED!"

Overall, it still feels like wheels are slowly spinning in the other direction for her, because it does seem like she is realizing a few things she needs to work on.  I still don't see the real remorse about prior abusive behavior that you mention, grey kitty, and I think that is why I am not quite trusting it.  Interestingly, I see remorse in my dBPD SIL towards my brother, and I see much better progress in her life.  But I don't think she has as severe BPD as my fiance, and doesn't have the years of shame and extremely bad behavior to process through.

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, I hear ya! My BPDw goes from being very depressed to feeling superior. She feels depressed about this and that. Then, she degrades others, including myself, so that she can supposedly feel better herself. It is a superiority complex.

The feelings you expressed are how I feel. I feel alone either way. She goes on her monologues with me only being allowed to say "right" or "I understand". If it is something I really object to that we had discussed and even argued a long time ago, I don't go there again, because it simply is not worth it. The monologue will just continue and will be longer. So, I feel worse, whether she is depressed or whether she is feeling superior.

The only way I can tolerate these monologues like even last night is to let her talk and validate when she takes a breath. If I were to stop and to leave, I would be creating a hellish situation around here, which I simply wish to avoid.

When she is totally exhausted from her monologues, she will leave the room, and I can resume with what I am doing. Indeed, she doesn't even ask if I have time for her to talk. She just does it and is insensitive.

Today, she has a day off so that she can focus on her college studies. As quickly as I can eat and get ready, I am out of here so that she can do her studies and ponder her feelings. I wish that would help, but it is an endless process, and you, so many others, and I deal with this BPD behavior in which we continue feeling alone, abandoned emotionally.