Validating Correctly

[LilHurt420]

What is the correct way to validate when you absolutely do not agree with what they're saying?

I have a tough time with this!  My uBPDh rants about things that I in no way agree with.  Sometimes I will agree with him just so he will shut up, but he tells me I'm not sincere and then things keep going.  He believes I have a problem of not showing him enough constant attention.  I refuse to reinforce his bad behavior (abuse) with giving him the constant attention he wants.  In his mind if I would only give him the constant attention he needs, then he would be fine.  I've tried it in the past, and nothing happens.  He still finds a reason to rage and in those moments he says I have never (in 10 years) given him love or attention (which isn't true).

I'm getting tired.  Lately I've been going back and forth from this board to Undecided.  Not sure how much more I can take... .but I'm trying to hang in there.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi LilHurt,

I'd need a little more info about what it is you don't agree with.  Is he saying derogatory things about your lack of attention from the get-go?  Or is he upset about something else entirely, then turns it around to be about you lacking in some way?  From the sounds of it, it might be a boundary issue.

[ColdEthyl]

It's a lot easier said than done, but you have to try to not take it personal. My husband does these things, he will yammer on and on and on about something, until he gets the response he feels he needs. When he's upset, the language they use is absolute "you NEVER do this" Or the one I got last night "You ALWAYS come up in a bad mood from work. Ever single &*&!#@ day" Which of course is inaccurate. In fact yesterday I was in a great mood, got slightly irritated and sighed when I thought I had my jeans in a certain place and they weren't there. That to him=anger.

They will always feel like you don't give them enough attention. I recently struck a deal with my husband that when I get home I will sit with him and not do any other activities for at least 30 min. I will let you know how that turns out.

When I don't agree with what he's saying, I try to find some nugget or part of it I agree with, and comment only on that. You are not allowed to disagree with them. Again... .because they cannot be wrong. If they are wrong, then they are not useful, and no one will want them. (that's how they think)

What is the correct way to validate when you absolutely do not agree with what they're saying?

I have a tough time with this!  My uBPDh rants about things that I in no way agree with.  Sometimes I will agree with him just so he will shut up, but he tells me I'm not sincere and then things keep going.  He believes I have a problem of not showing him enough constant attention.  I refuse to reinforce his bad behavior (abuse) with giving him the constant attention he wants.  In his mind if I would only give him the constant attention he needs, then he would be fine.  I've tried it in the past, and nothing happens.  He still finds a reason to rage and in those moments he says I have never (in 10 years) given him love or attention (which isn't true).

I'm getting tired.  Lately I've been going back and forth from this board to Undecided.  Not sure how much more I can take... .but I'm trying to hang in there.

[Rapt Reader]

What is the correct way to validate when you absolutely do not agree with what they're saying?

The thing about Validation to remember is that we aren't aiming to actually agree with the feelings our SO is dysregulating about. We just want to let him know that we understand he feels that way, and that if we felt that way too it would upset us, also. That's really about it... .You wouldn't want to validate the invalid by telling him you agree with him that you've never shown him love and attention in your whole life  

Here's a S.E.T. for that (and others can chime in with their own thoughts):

S=Support: "I understand that you are upset because you are feeling that I'm not giving you the attention you need... ."

E=Empathy: "That's got to make you feel hurt, and if I thought you weren't giving me the attention I needed, I would feel hurt too... ."

T=Truth: "After 10 years together, we've had some very good times together and gotten very close, and I can remember all the happy times we've shared... ."

This is, of course, very elemental, but maybe it could be an outline for something you could say in your own situation that would make sense to you... .

He believes I have a problem of not showing him enough constant attention.  I refuse to reinforce his bad behavior (abuse) with giving him the constant attention he wants... .I'm getting tired.  Lately I've been going back and forth from this board to Undecided.  Not sure how much more I can take... .but I'm trying to hang in there.

I in no way think that you should reward abuse with any type of Validation; removing your self from the situation or enacting boundaries to protect yourself is the best way to handle that and be safe. If you are in any way unsafe or afraid, then going to the Undecided Board and reading the Lessons there and posting your story and questions there, are a very wise thing to do... .

What sort of abuse is happening with him? My own husband complains often that I am not giving him enough attention, and in the past would give me the Silent Treatment or eventually blow up verbally about some small infraction (and then give me the Silent Treatment). He was never in any way abusive to me, even his verbalizing wasn't abusive, just very hurt and angry.

What I've learned to do is pick up on his feelings of being ignored sooner, and then shutting the laptop or closing the book I'm reading, and then becoming more interested in what he's doing or saying. I've learned that when he complains that I'm not giving him enough attention (though I don't think I've been terrible about that), that he really feels that way and I don't want him to feel hurt, so I'll look up and engage with him. I've gone from having to use S.E.T. to head off a dysregulation, to heading off any type of hurt feelings or anger before they even start to build up in him.

But that is my situation; your situation may be more dangerous than mine ever was... .You need to stay safe first, LilHurt420  

[LilHurt420]

Hi LilHurt,

I'd need a little more info about what it is you don't agree with.  Is he saying derogatory things about your lack of attention from the get-go?  Or is he upset about something else entirely, then turns it around to be about you lacking in some way?  From the sounds of it, it might be a boundary issue.

I'll give you a recent example. Last weekend I had gone to my moms for the day (her father had just died, so I was spending time with her and my sister) and she kept our son for a sleepover.  While I was there I was sending pictures of me and our son at the beach and texting him through the day.  When I got home I was next to my husband from the time I walked in the door until the time I went to sleep.  The entire time I was talking to him (except maybe the first 10 mins when I came in, but I was still sitting on the bed next to him).  We talked about my family and what was going on, my grandfather, our baby on the way, our son, etc.  I thought everything was fine.  At one point we were in his office and were eating food we had just gone out to get.  I was telling him how I had ate so much that day, when all of a sudden he looks at me with a blank stare and says "can I tell you something"... .he starts with "maybe I'm over reacting... ." and goes on to tell me how I haven't spent any time with him since I got home from my moms and how he doesn't feel I show him that I love him at all.  I tried to stay calm (since I was literally mid sentence in talking to him about all the food I'd ate that day when he said this) and go over each conversation we'd had and how the night went.  He still was adamant I was spending any time with him and didn't love him enough.  This turned into how I never give him credit for anything and just went and on and on.  I couldn't validate his feelings because they were completely wrong.  Nothing that happen would cause him to actually feel the way he said he did.  I couldn't say "I understand how you could feel that way" because I truly didn't.  He took me explaining to him how I was spending time with him since I walked in the door as me lying or belittling what he was trying to say and how he felt.  I had to end the conversation with him as it was going no where and he just couldn't see that I was next to him the entire time.  After this was he was a nightmare for the next few days... .demeaning me, pushing me (even at 5 months pregnant), yelling and screaming, he took my  wedding rings (and still hasn't given them back), and just being really mean.  When he finally calmed down and we talked he still thought I should just give him the attention he wants and everything he did to me was justified because he was upset.

It's pretty bad

[Rapt Reader]

I couldn't say "I understand how you could feel that way" because I truly didn't.

Actually, validation isn't saying that you understand how he could feel that way; validation is saying "I understand that you think I don't spend enough time with you; I understand that you are angry and upset." Don't validate that you understand how he could feel that way, if you don't. Let that go... .

After this was he was a nightmare for the next few days... .demeaning me, pushing me (even at 5 months pregnant), yelling and screaming, he took my  wedding rings (and still hasn't given them back), and just being really mean.

None of that should get validated, or even tolerated. You need to set some Boundaries that will keep you safe and unharmed or unbullied. This is why I say that your situation is different than mine; validation likely won't keep you safe with an abusive husband. Please check this out: Safety First and make a Safety Plan just in case, and also read this: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women. I really want you to stay safe, LilHurt420... .

 

[123Phoebe]

Hi LilHurt,

I'd need a little more info about what it is you don't agree with.  Is he saying derogatory things about your lack of attention from the get-go?  Or is he upset about something else entirely, then turns it around to be about you lacking in some way?  From the sounds of it, it might be a boundary issue.

I'll give you a recent example. Last weekend I had gone to my moms for the day (her father had just died, so I was spending time with her and my sister) and she kept our son for a sleepover.  While I was there I was sending pictures of me and our son at the beach and texting him through the day.  When I got home I was next to my husband from the time I walked in the door until the time I went to sleep.  The entire time I was talking to him (except maybe the first 10 mins when I came in, but I was still sitting on the bed next to him).  We talked about my family and what was going on, my grandfather, our baby on the way, our son, etc.  I thought everything was fine.  At one point we were in his office and were eating food we had just gone out to get.  I was telling him how I had ate so much that day, when all of a sudden he looks at me with a blank stare and says "can I tell you something"... .he starts with "maybe I'm over reacting... ." and goes on to tell me how I haven't spent any time with him since I got home from my moms and how he doesn't feel I show him that I love him at all.  I tried to stay calm (since I was literally mid sentence in talking to him about all the food I'd ate that day when he said this) and go over each conversation we'd had and how the night went.  He still was adamant I was spending any time with him and didn't love him enough.  This turned into how I never give him credit for anything and just went and on and on.  I couldn't validate his feelings because they were completely wrong.  Nothing that happen would cause him to actually feel the way he said he did.  I couldn't say "I understand how you could feel that way" because I truly didn't.  He took me explaining to him how I was spending time with him since I walked in the door as me lying or belittling what he was trying to say and how he felt.  I had to end the conversation with him as it was going no where and he just couldn't see that I was next to him the entire time.  After this was he was a nightmare for the next few days... .demeaning me, pushing me (even at 5 months pregnant), yelling and screaming, he took my  wedding rings (and still hasn't given them back), and just being really mean.  When he finally calmed down and we talked he still thought I should just give him the attention he wants and everything he did to me was justified because he was upset.

It's pretty bad

Sounds like it got very bad, when he resorts to pushing his pregnant wife... . I'm so sorry it got to that point

What I'm going to say, I hope doesn't come across as him being in the right and you being in the wrong, because you weren't.  If your husband had the coping skills to be naturally supportive, I'd probably say something else entirely.

What I've learned with my guy, is that he really wants to be my hero, he wants to support me, he simply lacks in the know-how at times of how to not make a situation about him.  When he knows I'm upset about something unrelated to him, he'll "do" things for me, expecting appreciation, which if I weren't so upset about whatever it is I'm upset about, I'd extend the appreciation without even thinking about it.  BUT, I'm upset about such and such and really just want him to be there for me, not adding other little things that might upset him.

So, with that being said, what I've had to learn to do is let him know that being there for me is so very appreciated.

When the two of you were eating together, he might have felt great had you said, "Ah, it feels so good spending time with just you.  It's been a rough day.  Thank you for being here for me and letting me unload on you.  Yum, this food is delicious!"  Or something along those lines, in your own words.  IF you really mean it.  That's important, too.  To know ourselves well enough to be able to express what it is we're feeling in regards to our SO's.

They really want to connect, just don't know how to tell us, so it shows up aggressively.

A friend of mine has a really nice husband, no PD or anything.  Even he lacks in expressing true emotions, most everything "pi$$es him of, makes him mad", when it's hurt, sadness, frustration that he feels.  She in turn gets mad at him for not expressing his feelings properly.  And on and on it goes... .

Does that make sense?

And ditto to what Rapt Reader has suggested; abuse should NEVER be tolerated.

[waverider]

Often they just want your interaction. They read this as your agreement. But that is not always the case it is often more about you not being 'against them'. ie NOT invalidating them is more important.

By showing interest and asking questions, without trying to disagree (invalidating) eases a lot of the tension. They want to vent without being made to feel they are wrong. As said they use absolutes. Their need to vent is not sated, hence you must not have supplied enough(perception and often impossible anyway), so they make the absolute claim you NEVER listen. You simply allow them to say this without arguing, that just invalidates and adds fuel to the fire. You dont need to convince them of your version of reality. They are expecting you to argue and use the argument to soothe by projecting their frustrations onto you.

By asking questions you can often divert the issue back to its real cause and away from the mechanism of dumping on you. It also keeps you well away from JADE.

The T part of SET is hard to do as it is all to easy to try to convince them of your version of T rather just saying how you see it, and they are within their rights to have their own T

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, my uBPDh would be fine with the "S", and the "E" parts, but the "T" part, no matter how I put it, usually sets him off. Even if it's just facts. If I don't state HIS truth(based upon his feelings, not facts), he gets dysregulated. I've learned to sort of skip the "T" part.

Is that okay to do?

It's wrong how the original posters husband reacted, but it sounds like he was really expressing how he felt during the time she was gone, rather than the time she was there. I've found that my husband does this kind of thing. He blends or overlaps past hurts, and makes them into present ones, when nothing is presently being done. It's hard to get used to that, but I'm becoming more used to it. Just because he is mad at me NOW, doesn't actually mean it is based on what I'd doing now, it could be because he was hurt/angered at me earlier, and was just looking for an excuse to bring it out.

[waverider]

Yeah, my uBPDh would be fine with the "S", and the "E" parts, but the "T" part, no matter how I put it, usually sets him off. Even if it's just facts. If I don't state HIS truth(based upon his feelings, not facts), he gets dysregulated. I've learned to sort of skip the "T" part.

Is that okay to do?

It's wrong how the original posters husband reacted, but it sounds like he was really expressing how he felt during the time she was gone, rather than the time she was there. I've found that my husband does this kind of thing. He blends or overlaps past hurts, and makes them into present ones, when nothing is presently being done. It's hard to get used to that, but I'm becoming more used to it. Just because he is mad at me NOW, doesn't actually mean it is based on what I'd doing now, it could be because he was hurt/angered at me earlier, and was just looking for an excuse to bring it out.

It depends how important the issue is. No point risking conflict over trivial stuff. But if you never state your T then you are depriving yourself of your right to have a view, and risk reinforcing what is in effect bullying behavior.

T sometimes needs to be backed up with boundaries re dysregulation and potential abuse. To me the right to have, and state, my reality over important issues is a core value to me.

[123Phoebe]

To me the right to have, and state, my reality over important issues is a core value to me.

 It's letting them know where we stand and who we are.  

Denying ourselves of our own identity has much to do with a lot of the 'problems' in the first place.

[Ceruleanblue]

Waverider:

Yes, it's exactly as you said. There are times when I should probably just let the "T" part go, because it isn't worth it, but the problem is that I am doing that all the time. Even on core values, and things that are a huge deal to me(or a deal breaker), I'm just afraid to tell him, even if they are just facts.

I don't know how anyone can refute simple facts, or the TRUTH, but it actually can and does make him very angry at times. I'm trying to find the balance, and courage to be able to state the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

Like you, I want to be able to state MY REALITY, without him dysregulating. Do I just need to try harder to stop letting his rage/dysregulating bother me so much? It is really important to me to sometimes be able to state my reality, and I've been largely giving that up... .

[waverider]

Waverider:

Yes, it's exactly as you said. There are times when I should probably just let the "T" part go, because it isn't worth it, but the problem is that I am doing that all the time. Even on core values, and things that are a huge deal to me(or a deal breaker), I'm just afraid to tell him, even if they are just facts.

I don't know how anyone can refute simple facts, or the TRUTH, but it actually can and does make him very angry at times. I'm trying to find the balance, and courage to be able to state the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

Like you, I want to be able to state MY REALITY, without him dysregulating. Do I just need to try harder to stop letting his rage/dysregulating bother me so much? It is really important to me to sometimes be able to state my reality, and I've been largely giving that up... .

Anything you do must be consistent. Any change will be met with resistance (Extinction bursts). Anytime you back down from a consistent stance the harder it will be to regain that stance (Intermittent reinforcement). This is why you choose your issues carefully.

At the end of the day it does not matter if he agrees with your truth. You are stating it for your own balance. No need to convince him, repeat it, or start defending it. Allways avoid saying "you are wrong" etc, rather "this is the way it looks to me". Always talk about what you see, feel or how you are affected. make it about you not him. He is allowed to believe what he likes. Even if it is that you are an evil monster with two heads . That's his opinion not yours.

[ColdEthyl]

Wow ok... .very well put. I never thought of things that way... .letting him have his version of T. I myself am such an advocate for calling a spade a spade... .it never occurred to me that him having his own T is not going to effect ME. I can see instances where this could be an issue, though. I suppose it's just one mountain at a time ll

Often they just want your interaction. They read this as your agreement. But that is not always the case it is often more about you not being 'against them'. ie NOT invalidating them is more important.

By showing interest and asking questions, without trying to disagree (invalidating) eases a lot of the tension. They want to vent without being made to feel they are wrong. As said they use absolutes. Their need to vent is not sated, hence you must not have supplied enough(perception and often impossible anyway), so they make the absolute claim you NEVER listen. You simply allow them to say this without arguing, that just invalidates and adds fuel to the fire. You dont need to convince them of your version of reality. They are expecting you to argue and use the argument to soothe by projecting their frustrations onto you.

By asking questions you can often divert the issue back to its real cause and away from the mechanism of dumping on you. It also keeps you well away from JADE.

The T part of SET is hard to do as it is all to easy to try to convince them of your version of T rather just saying how you see it, and they are within their rights to have their own T

[Ceruleanblue]

Waverider:

That is something I learned to do pretty early in: Try to never make "you" statements, but rather use "I" statements. He has always been allowed to think/feel however he wants, it's been me who has not been allowed that freedom.

I guess I just need to state how I feel, or what my view is, and he can just deal with it, the same that I do with his. I can't stop feeling or keeping my reality from him, just because it angers him. I've been coddling him way too much in this area. Just because the consequences of not doing so were so high.

[waverider]

Waverider:

That is something I learned to do pretty early in: Try to never make "you" statements, but rather use "I" statements. He has always been allowed to think/feel however he wants, it's been me who has not been allowed that freedom.

I guess I just need to state how I feel, or what my view is, and he can just deal with it, the same that I do with his. I can't stop feeling or keeping my reality from him, just because it angers him. I've been coddling him way too much in this area. Just because the consequences of not doing so were so high.

The problem is a pwBPD will bully us into not owning our own realities. You need strong boundaries to prevent bullying.

Who is not allowing you your freedom for your own reality? The answer is you because you choose to allow him to deny you your right.

Often our T is not palatable, too bad, if their reaction is totally inappropriate then we fall back on boundaries about how we will allow ourselves to be treated.

I know it sounds easy, but I also know it is extremely hard to do, let alone scary. It is however the direction you need to head. Fear of someone elses reaction hands power to bullies.

[takingandsending]

LilHurt420,

Not sure you are still reading this post, but the description of BPD I posted kind of addressed your experience with your husband. Namely the intense emptiness/loneliness the pwBPD feels actually floods their memories of even an hour before as if it never happened. I experience the complaint of never spending enough time giving enough attention with my uBPDw quite a lot. I have tried to give more, JADEd till the cows came home, agreed, and even began accepting that I was just an insensitive, neglectful husband. I think waverider and rapt reader have the right of it. Validating is not agreeing. It's just putting yourself into the feeling level behind their expression and based on that acknowledging that it would be painful, hurtful, etc to feel that. The boundary is the vital piece. I have also allowed myself to lose my core values. I hope you and your baby and child are safe. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

[Heartandsole]

In his mind if I would only give him the constant attention he needs, then he would be fine.  I've tried it in the past, and nothing happens.  He still finds a reason to rage and in those moments he says I have never (in 10 years) given him love or attention (which isn't true).

Lilhurt420,

I know how hurtful it is to hear "you have never taken care of me in 10 years"  I have been married 10 years last week and now getting a divorce.  That is an exact quote from my uBPDw.  Also "You have never made me feel safe" or You have never put me first before your parents"  and You have NEVER taken care of ___" 

I am done trying.  Done listening to being told I am a failing at life, done being a stupid loser ___hole who is the most clueless guy she's ever met. 

I have reminded her of the things she has said to me inside emails.   She doesn't deny them, but says she doesn't remember saying them either. 

The closest thing to an apology I get is "I am speaking my truth and the person you were showing me at that time made me feel that way, I'm sorry that you are hurt"

[takingandsending]

I think that was when our marriage T decided to tell me about BPD in my wife ... .after my wife could not name one thing that I did that made her feel supported in 15 users of marriage and 18 years as a couple. Of course, I volunteered to go first with examples when the silence ensued just to get the ball rolling. Back to my wife's turn - not one thing. I think my T saw how much pain I was in and texted me that night after the session to say "let's talk".

I am sorry and hope you gain some freedom and healing with the divorce.

[ziniztar]

Hey Lilhurt,

Sorry to read you are in so much dissstress. I've peeked at The Undecided Board a few times and this inner conflict causes us even more chaos in an already chaotic environment! Re that, I have set a few boundaries myself.

- I will give him until October (decided that 6 months ago), and then decide. Until then, I have a weekly moment to doubt my staying decision. Outside those moments, I won't allow the doubts to get a hold of me.

- If he... cheats on me, physically abuses me, puts me down using my weight or appearance (knowing I am insecure about it), I will leave immediately.

These are mine, you'd have to construct your own.

Re correct validation: validation comes in numerous ways. Fruzetti names 6 of them in his video, have you seen it? Helped me a lot to better understand validation. Validation is NOT agreement, it is acknowledging that he feels that way, even of you don't understand it. In stead of saying you understand, try "I hear you" or "I see your point". Validation can also just be you nodding and listening.

[ColdEthyl]

Yeah, my uBPDh would be fine with the "S", and the "E" parts, but the "T" part, no matter how I put it, usually sets him off. Even if it's just facts. If I don't state HIS truth(based upon his feelings, not facts), he gets dysregulated. I've learned to sort of skip the "T" part.

Is that okay to do?

It's wrong how the original posters husband reacted, but it sounds like he was really expressing how he felt during the time she was gone, rather than the time she was there. I've found that my husband does this kind of thing. He blends or overlaps past hurts, and makes them into present ones, when nothing is presently being done. It's hard to get used to that, but I'm becoming more used to it. Just because he is mad at me NOW, doesn't actually mean it is based on what I'd doing now, it could be because he was hurt/angered at me earlier, and was just looking for an excuse to bring it out.

My husband does this. I've noticed he sort of... .bottles things up, and when he gets mad about one thing, it's more of an Avalanche of everything he's been feeling the past few days. What helps me is to remember when he's ranting, he's explaining anger over several days, stuff that's been tumbling I his head over had over... .stuff he sometimes is able to conquer... .sometimes he's not. Not easy all the time trust me... .I've failed plenty. It gets really frustrating when you feel like you don't have a voice.

[ziniztar]

Yeah, my uBPDh would be fine with the "S", and the "E" parts, but the "T" part, no matter how I put it, usually sets him off. Even if it's just facts. If I don't state HIS truth(based upon his feelings, not facts), he gets dysregulated. I've learned to sort of skip the "T" part.

Is that okay to do?

It's wrong how the original posters husband reacted, but it sounds like he was really expressing how he felt during the time she was gone, rather than the time she was there. I've found that my husband does this kind of thing. He blends or overlaps past hurts, and makes them into present ones, when nothing is presently being done. It's hard to get used to that, but I'm becoming more used to it. Just because he is mad at me NOW, doesn't actually mean it is based on what I'd doing now, it could be because he was hurt/angered at me earlier, and was just looking for an excuse to bring it out.

My husband does this. I've noticed he sort of... .bottles things up, and when he gets mad about one thing, it's more of an Avalanche of everything he's been feeling the past few days. What helps me is to remember when he's ranting, he's explaining anger over several days, stuff that's been tumbling I his head over had over... .stuff he sometimes is able to conquer... .sometimes he's not. Not easy all the time trust me... .I've failed plenty. It gets really frustrating when you feel like you don't have a voice.

Waverider once mentioned that words should be seen as a vehicle for the emotion. Meaning he is angry (for whatever tiny, littly, incomprehensible reason) and needs a way to convey that anger. Sometimes I think the pwBPD does not even know why he's angry, as they are not stars in reading their own emotions (then again, are we? ). This can lead to re-using old annoyances or stuff that is not related to what you are doing at all, simply because he needs to release the anger. I've had my dBPDbf get really angry at me for using the only large towel when going to the shower . Yeah that obviously wasn't about the towel.

I've learnt myself not to question my own behaviour when he is getting mad, and trying to find out what is underneath his madness. It seems to be validating for him as he is acknowledged in his anger and I am somewhat helping the both of us to find out what is really wrong, by asking questions not related to the issue he is raging about, but about his feelings of anger.  

[waverider]

I've learnt myself not to question my own behaviour when he is getting mad, and trying to find out what is underneath his madness. It seems to be validating for him as he is acknowledged in his anger and I am somewhat helping the both of us to find out what is really wrong, by asking questions not related to the issue he is raging about, but about his feelings of anger.  

Excellent point, it breaks the escalating cycle and the temptation to slip in reactionary behavior