Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:47:01 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Other than Alanon... what is out there?  (Read 354 times)
Ceruleanblue
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« on: August 09, 2014, 01:10:34 AM »

I'm really struggling with my mental health right now. I mean really struggling. I know I'm not crazy, I know that I feel guilty because of all the blame that has been projected at me, but I feel so down right now. I've managed to hold on to hope until just recently. What I want his not changed: I still want our marriage to work, and I still want things to work out. I just don't know how long I can endure what he dishes out. I'd like to get through a day without him getting mad at me. I'd like to have a partner I can talk to. I'd like to feel like I don't have to remind myself all the time that I am a good person, and that so much of what gets said is not true. Even a stone can get worn by the steady drip of water. I feel like that stone.

I've seen other posters mention Al-anon meetings? What is the benefit of going? I need someplace where people can relate to the strangeness that I deal with on a daily basis. I've been to therapy for abused women, I've been to other therapy, and we've been to marriage therapy. None of my friends or family really understand, although my Mom has seen the rages, and the anger of my uBPDh.

I even feel sort of out of place amongst abused women(I attended a group session once), because while there definitely is verbal abuse, it doesn't feel quite the same because I'm not sure that uBPDh can help it, due to his BPD. Does that make sense? With a non personality disordered person, you feel you have the right to be upset at that person for verbally abusing you... .but with a BPD person, it feels like you lose that right? I feel guilty for being hurt or upset at him, because in the back of my head I'm thinking "maybe he truly can't help it".

Part of me feels like I need to run, and get away from this mess. Me, who never quits or gives up.

Ever. I'm one of those fight to the death types, but I'm afraid what this is showing my kids. They are teens, and they do feel the tension. My 18 year old daughter asked me the other day why uBPDh is "depressed". So apparently, it's becoming even more obvious. I try to keep any rage or fights away from them, but they do see how upset I've become lately.

I'm to the point where I'm contemplating going to our local stress unit. I've noticed though when my husband is gone, I level out. So how much will the stress unit be able to help me if HE is the cause of my feeling so scared and horrible? I've tried validating, I've done avoidance(which I realize is not the best way to deal with BPD), I've tried empathizing(I've always empathized though), and I've tried to stop J-A-D-E ing. I change, HE does not. He escalates when I try new things.

Maybe I'm just doing it all wrong. I want to stay so badly, but I'm afraid I'm going to have a breakdown.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

maxsterling
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2014, 11:12:57 AM »

Sometimes you have to just give up and accept that someone else just isn't capable of being any different.  He will always be the same.  That's the point I had to reach.  I had to accept that no amount of validating or empathizing is going to make a lick of difference in the long run, that ultimately she is who she is and if that is to change it is up to her.  The best I can do is provide a stable environment where she can choose to work on herself, if she so desires.  And she has, somewhat, and I do see slow progress.  You will exhaust yourself if you are constantly running around trying to validate or placate his needs.

And then it's up to you to decide if you can work with this, and level yourself amongst the chaos, or move on.  I'd suggest making sure your alone time is used wisely, in such a way that you feel like you again.  It makes the times dealing with him much less stressful. 

As for Al-Anon - is your husband an addict?  Al-anon is a pretty open group where members have loved ones with different kinds of addictions, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, spending... .  There's also Nar-Anon, and I've found those groups to be even more open than Al-Anon.  When I go to those groups, people do understand the chaos that I go through, that being the chaos that's in my head.  Most of the people there have lived through or are living with abuse (verbal abuse and screaming is abuse).  And when you listen, you realize that there is probably an underlying mental illness in each story.   In the group I go to, it's pretty clear that most of us are dealing with a personality disordered individual.  New people tend to focus mostly on the external (the addict), but after a few months you will realize those people begin to look at their internal struggles.  I'm not sure if it will help you, but I think you are likely to get something out of it. 

Logged

Ceruleanblue
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2014, 01:06:45 PM »

Maxsterling:

Yes, I've given up on thinking I can encourage him in any way to change. He has to want to. So far, he doesn't seem to want to. He keeps doing the same things over and over, that have caused so much drama and trouble in his life. It's frustrating to watch, and I do tend to try to encourage him to make a better choice, and I struggle with trying not to do that. It's like he thinks he'll actually get a different result each time he does the same thing.

Here is an example, and maybe some of you can offer me advice as to how to best deal with it: His daughter(all three of his daughters hate me, and two of them refuse to be around me, or let me around their kids), is having her first baby, and when her sister had her first baby, we went to the hospital. His ex(Grandma to the new baby) was there, and came up to us in the waiting room, and caused a huge, ugly scene. She was mad that I was there. When the next baby was born, we chose to wait a day to go see the baby when it came home, to avoid this happening again. We were then told by that daughter that she felt bombarded by our visit(even though she invited us, and we only stayed a short while). Soo, this third baby is being born, to the third daughter, and I'd like to try to AVOID confrontation with his unpredictable, angry ex wife. My uBPDh refuses. He thinks she won't cause a scene, he doesn't want to go up at different times. To me, this is asking for drama and trouble? Doing the same thing, expecting different results. Plus, again my feelings don't matter. He may get something out of drama, and upset... .I DO NOT.

I'm struggling to see my choices in this matter. I guess I can just choose to not go, but that feels like he is choosing his "first family", who he has more than shown me is more important than I'll ever be. I put up with his rages, his anger, his blame, and his totally unbending nature, yet he won't do anything for me. He can't empathize, he never defends me, he won't listen, he's mean, he's blaming.

His new thing is to just admit he's a horrible husband. It's almost like he wants me to disagree with him. I won't. I've done too much trying to build him up, telling him his good qualities, telling him how much I appreciate all he does. In short, I've spent too much time trying to make him feel okay, and he's let me take every bullet coming my way. I've been the one to feel bad in all this, by his kids, but mostly by HIM. He blames me for all his problems, and while I know that is classic BPD, it gets old.

As you say, I've given up on thinking he'll be any different, and am now focusing on making myself healthier. He had his second family reunion in three short weeks, and I opted out of going to this one. He recently told me he's going to start dedicating his weekends to his kids, who won't let me around, so I told him I'd stay home, so they could attend THEIR family reunion. Of course they probably still won't go, but at least uBPDh can't blame me. Well, he probably can... .but I'm not going to believe it. My hardest issue was not buying into all the blame he projects onto me. I think that is due to my OCD. I'm a worrier, and always looking to see what I contributed, or what I could have done differently. I'm starting to see that is futile too, because I'll never be able to make things "okay" enough for him.

What do you think I should do about this upcoming, issue about his daughter having the baby? I can opt out, but that feels bad for me too... .

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!