The latest

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I've been on vacation with my kids, visiting my family.  Prior to that, I had the kids more time than usual because my uBPDexw was away for a job -her choice.  So, instead of alternating weeks, I've basically had my kids for a month.  It's great, I love it, but I knew that going away on vacation was not going to go off without incident.

-First thing had to do with my ex wanting to see the kids while I am on vacation, many states away from home, visiting my family.  The kids have not seen my family all together in a few years, so this was a big deal.  Yet my ex still found a way to insert herself into it.  She wanted me to drive to another state so that she could see the kids.  She was in a nearby state for work, so she figured I would be willing to take away one of the mere 11 days we had for vacation to drive multiple hours to meet her and hang around while she takes the kids out and visits them.  I told her no.  That pissed her off.  No surprise.  The fact that she would even ask is beyond words.

-Second thing was about my eldest daughter getting her nails done with her cousins.  It was an idea my sister came up with.  I thought it was a nice thing to do for the girls, sort of an ice-breaker.  I went along, too.  My daughter and I posted pictures of it on Facebook.  Well, later on I am barraged with guilt-tripping text-messages about how we took yet another thing away from her.  That was supposed to be a mother-daughter thing, and I am a thoughtless jerk.  Seriously, I know I cannot win, but I'm getting so sick of this crap.  Then I had to hear my daughter tell me how her mom was complaining all over Facebook how "heartbroken" she is, without saying why.  *Puke*  That was enough.  It took me a day to get over that and get back to fully enjoying my vacation.

I sent some pictures to my ex, per her request.  Just trying to do my part as a co-parent. 

-Third, I find out from the house-sitter that my ex contacted her to go over to my house while I was gone.  I don't want my ex at my house while I am gone, and she knows that.  She was supposed to come home the day I return home, but she told this girl who is housesitting that suddenly she's coming home on the 7th.  So, she wants to go over there.  The housesitter contacts me, and I apologize that she has to deal with this (I assured her my ex would be gone the whole time I was gone), and asked her to reiterate my boundary to my ex.  She did.  That night, I was sent a number of text messages from my ex asking me why I think she's such a horrible person blah blah blah and won't let her in the house.  I didn't engage.  It's emotionally exhausting to deal with this crap, but I just repeated that I just don't want her in my house while I'm gone.  I didn't defend or justify my position.  I just restated it and reminded her that this is nothing new.

-Today, I'm out visiting some old-time friends when I get a call from the housesitter.  I let it go to voicemail.  I get another call immediately, so I knew it must be important.  I answer.  The housesitter tells me this story of how it appears someone broke into the house while they were there.  Dogs didn't bark, nothing is missing, but the security cam is unplugged.  The other odd thing is that the dishes were missing during the week and suddenly they were back in the house on the morning that the housesitter noticed the house was broken into.  Doors were also left unlocked, such as to the garage, etc.  But there was no evidence that anything was stolen.

I talked to the police officer who arrived (I told the housesitter to report it) over the phone, and he said that he felt it was someone I knew, and more than likely my ex wife who broke into my house -the dishes stolen and returned are not high-value, but they are dishes that belong to my ex and will be hers when she gets her own place (she lives with a family member for now).  Based on the fact that nothing was stolen, that the camera was unplugged (you cant see that a camera is there unless you already know it is there... .or have your face on camera), and the stuff with the dishes, he felt it made sense that it could be her.  But she still has a key to the house and still has personal property in my house, so he told me that it is unlikely that the DA would prosecute for reasons such as that.

He advised me to change my locks and tell her to get her things out of my house ASAP, or to at least ask for the key back.  That won't obviously stop her, however.  This was to make a point.  This was her showing me that she can come in whenever she wants.  She is a psycho.  I am seriously sick of dealing with this.

[OutOfEgypt]

So, I've been on vacation with my kids, visiting my family.  Prior to that, I had the kids more time than usual because my uBPDexw was away for a job -her choice.  So, instead of alternating weeks, I've basically had my kids for a month.  It's great, I love it, but I knew that going away on vacation was not going to go off without incident.

-First thing had to do with my ex wanting to see the kids while I am on vacation, many states away from home, visiting my family.  The kids have not seen my family all together in a few years, so this was a big deal.  Yet my ex still found a way to insert herself into it.  She wanted me to drive to another state so that she could see the kids.  She was in a nearby state for work, so she figured I would be willing to take away one of the mere 11 days we had for vacation to drive multiple hours to meet her and hang around while she takes the kids out and visits them.  I told her no.  That pissed her off.  No surprise.  The fact that she would even ask is beyond words.

-Second thing was about my eldest daughter getting her nails done with her cousins.  It was an idea my sister came up with.  I thought it was a nice thing to do for the girls, sort of an ice-breaker.  I went along, too.  My daughter and I posted pictures of it on Facebook.  Well, later on I am barraged with guilt-tripping text-messages about how we took yet another thing away from her.  That was supposed to be a mother-daughter thing, and I am a thoughtless jerk.  Seriously, I know I cannot win, but I'm getting so sick of this crap.  Then I had to hear my daughter tell me how her mom was complaining all over Facebook how "heartbroken" she is, without saying why.  *Puke*  That was enough.  It took me a day to get over that and get back to fully enjoying my vacation.

I sent some pictures to my ex, per her request.  Just trying to do my part as a co-parent. 

-Third, I find out from the house-sitter that my ex contacted her to go over to my house while I was gone.  I don't want my ex at my house while I am gone, and she knows that.  She was supposed to come home the day I return home, but she told this girl who is housesitting that suddenly she's coming home on the 7th.  So, she wants to go over there.  The housesitter contacts me, and I apologize that she has to deal with this (I assured her my ex would be gone the whole time I was gone), and asked her to reiterate my boundary to my ex.  She did.  That night, I was sent a number of text messages from my ex asking me why I think she's such a horrible person blah blah blah and won't let her in the house.  I didn't engage.  It's emotionally exhausting to deal with this crap, but I just repeated that I just don't want her in my house while I'm gone.  I didn't defend or justify my position.  I just restated it and reminded her that this is nothing new.

-Today, I'm out visiting some old-time friends when I get a call from the housesitter.  I let it go to voicemail.  I get another call immediately, so I knew it must be important.  I answer.  The housesitter tells me this story of how it appears someone broke into the house while they were there.  Dogs didn't bark, nothing is missing, but the security cam is unplugged.  The other odd thing is that the dishes were missing during the week and suddenly they were back in the house on the morning that the housesitter noticed the house was broken into.  Doors were also left unlocked, such as to the garage, etc.  But there was no evidence that anything was stolen.

I talked to the police officer who arrived (I told the housesitter to report it) over the phone, and he said that he felt it was someone I knew, and more than likely my ex wife who broke into my house -the dishes stolen and returned are not high-value, but they are dishes that belong to my ex and will be hers when she gets her own place (she lives with a family member for now).  Based on the fact that nothing was stolen, that the camera was unplugged (you cant see that a camera is there unless you already know it is there... .or have your face on camera), and the stuff with the dishes, he felt it made sense that it could be her.  But she still has a key to the house and still has personal property in my house, so he told me that it is unlikely that the DA would prosecute for reasons such as that.

He advised me to change my locks and tell her to get her things out of my house ASAP, or to at least ask for the key back.  That won't obviously stop her, however.  This was to make a point.  This was her showing me that she can come in whenever she wants.  She is a psycho.  I am seriously sick of dealing with this.

[Tausk]

Hey thee OoE.  Ouch.  I'd feel very very violated and angry. 

Hang in there.  Keep your eyes on the prize, and remember it's about your finding your self, and being a good parent to the children.

A pwBPD who does not want to respect boundaries is like water running down a hill.  It will find any possible channel and flow through it.  Our exes do not have a clear sense of self, so where they end and we begin is not a concept that that our exes are capable of comprehending.

Try and remember this.  It's not about you.  It's the Disorder at work. Depersonalize.  And respond (as you have been doing) in a mindful, not personal manner.  Firm, yet detached.

For you, for the kids, for recovery.

You're doing great.  It sounds like your children are blessed to have you as a father.  Perhaps try and find grace in that thought.

And remember, as Disordered as your ex is, half of genetic composition of the kids are from her.  And I bet you wouldn't trade the kids for anything.  In fact, for the sake of the kids, I bet that you can withstand a lot more than just the frustration of the Disorder.  In fact, I don't doubt you'd go to hell and back again for them.

Here we just have to go as far as recovery 

[Mutt]

My heart goes out to to you and your family OutofEgypt. The level of frustration

was likely high when you're trying to enjoy family time with your kids out of State.

She's interupting you with throwing up FOG when she wants you to drive to another State. A day out of 11 is asking for a lot. It wouldn't of made her happy and she likely would of thrown up more FOG and have another demand.

I'm sorry to hear about the text messages. It's a lot of fun for D to connect with cousin's and have a girls day out.

What is your court order like? The boundaries aren't clear with your ex. Above all it's about spending time with the kids. Unfortunately when the boundaries aren't in a court order for me. I get the emotional blackmail from ex by e-mail.

Was your vacation pre-planned or last minute? Do you have vacation time in a court order?

[seeking balance]

I am sorry OOE, that is all so frustrating.

Tactically, definitely change the locks, I wouldn't let her know though.

Mutt brings up a good point about the court order and visitation boundaries being spelled out more.

It does sound like you and the kids were able to have some fun times.  You are a good dad.

Peace,

SB

[GaGrl]

Get the locks changed, tell her there was a break-in and a police report, and the police suggested the locks be changed and tighter security. What can she say? You aren't accusing her, just stating a fact. If she wants a key, that's a different conversation you can practice ahead of time ... ."No."

[peiper]

I feel ya. I'm 800 miles from home visiting my family. Today the police call me to say she's at my house to recover her things. I wrote her lawyer and told her I'd be out of town until mid week. She's just trying to jack with me. Like I'm going to drive that far just to give her her stuff ?

[OutOfEgypt]

Thank you guys.  It turns out someone tried to break in the next night too, so perhaps it wasn't my ex after all.  When I first heard, I sent her a text message saying "are you F__ing with my house?"  Of course, she took that as an insult and accusation and apparently told people I harrassed her all day, am controlling (because I don't want her in MY house when I'm not there) etc. (even though in reality I replied to none of her text message or phone calls about that text).  Not surprising.

The dilemma I face now is that a) I don't want to walk on eggshells, but b) I want to have the conflict die down.  When she thinks things are "cool" between us, she's still shady and unpredictable with zero respect for me or anybody, but at least she is probably less likely to attack or try to alienate my children from me.  What do you think is the best way for me to respond to her text messages telling me how much I hurt her by "accusing her"?  I mean really, it's NOT that far-fetched, considering what she is capable of, but she wil never look at that.  Any ideas?

[Mutt]

From my experience when my ex sends something less than desirable (FOG, accusations, you get the idea) I let her simmer down. Feelings are quicksilver. She may feel one way at that moment and different in 4 hours. In my case, I usually wait no less than 24 hours and I respond in SET. SET doesn't always work it works well when it does. Do you use SET? I wish I had known about it years ago 

[OutOfEgypt]

and now she is blabbing about it all over Facebook, about how I'm "paranoid" and a "psycho" and how she's "done" with me and blah blah.  It hurts, but the people who believe it are either morons or future victims.  The thing I hate is my kids seeing it, though.  They are on her Facebook.

[Mutt]

What do you think is the best way for me to respond to her text messages telling me how much I hurt her by "accusing her"?

"I understand. It's hurtful when someone gets accused for something they haven't done. It's natural to feel like we want to defend ourselves and our character. I'm sorry and i hope you can forgive me."

Do you see Support Empathy and Truth in the quotations?

[OutOfEgypt]

But I'm kinda NOT sorry... .I mean... .the conclusion was not a far-fetched one!  She's making it sound like I'm some paranoid freak.

Telling her I'm sorry is like telling her she's right... .that I'm paranoid, blah blah blah and jumped to ridiculous conclusions, when in reality the conclusion was not really that unrealistic based on her history of responding vindictively when someone puts up a boundary with her and based on the nature of the break-in (nothing stolen, full awareness of where video cams were, plates missing then re-appearing, etc.)

I dunno... .should I feel sorry for something here?

[OutOfEgypt]

And obviously the big issue is that she cannot handle me thinking badly about her.  The mere "idea" that I would think she is capable of something so low stirs in her a vengeance and hatred that is scary to say the least.  :)o I even address that?

What about something like... .

"Ok, I read your message and prayed about this. I can see how you would feel accused by my question ("are you *** with my house" and I understand that it hurts to be wrongly accused of something you didn't do.  So, I apologize for that and hope you will forgive me.  With the way things turned out, it seems like both of us could do better at not assuming the worst of the other and reacting emotionally.  I will work harder at that."

The final statement ("With the way things turned out... ." is a truthful assessment of the situation, yes?  Or is that not what is meant in SET?

[vre]

You asked her a simple question, privately. The question could've been phrased more politely.

She spewed all over Facebook about it.

I think that would be a good reason to not apologize for the original question.

Are you certain it wasn't her getting into your house? From your description, it sounds like it was someone with a key, who knew where things were.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm not certain it wasn't her (or someone she sent, like one of her affair minions).  I think it is unlikely to be her, but the housesitter and the policeman seemed to think there was good reason to think it was her even before I talked to the policeman.  Considering there was a break-in attempt the night after, I think it was probably not her.  Aside from that, the fact that the perp jimmied the window open is another sign that it wasn't her.  Still, the housesitter also said they found mail belonging to one of her affair minions with my address on it in the alley next to my fence.  And I never saw it.  So it tells me someone with his mail was near my back yard.  Could have happened any time, so I have no idea.  And it shows me that he is using my address and she (or he) is checking my mailbox to get mail.

Of course, the other possibility is that the housesitter and her boyfriend are crazy and stirring all of this up.  

Regardless, I didn't think it was totally out of the realm of possibility at the time.  She was the first thing that came to my mind and the house-sitters mind because of how angry she was about me not wanting her in my house when I'm not there.

And yes, I asked her a question, though it was not polite.  It wasn't a direct accusation, but it implied obviously that I thought it could be her.  This set her off frantically trying to find out what I was talking about, calling up the housesitter and freaking out.

The other thing is that she claims our daughter already knows because I "put my foot in my own mouth."  Apparently, my daughter figured out that I thought it was her mom, even though I never explicitly said it.  Sure, part of me kinda wanted her to know what a psycho her mom is, but I didn't tell her "your mom probably is the one who broke into my house" or anything like that.

So I really dunno.   In the interest of peace, I would do something to smooth things over, but I don't want to lie.  I would feel gross telling her I'm sorry, unless I'm convinced I did something wrong.  She can be a monstrous person when she is angry -no she's never done anything like breaking into a place, that I'm aware of, but she's done some pretty out-there stuff.  And really, the one who needs to apologize at this point is her for slandering me in public.  I'm sure my kids love reading about how their daddy is a "psycho" and how her current boyfriend adds, "and this is why he's your ex."  I cannot wait for the day when she punishes him like she punished me.

[vre]

I don't think apologizing to her would be helpful in the long run. Her reactions went way beyond your original infraction; as you said, if anyone needs to be apologizing it's her.

You apologizing now would supply positive reinforcement of her bad behavior; I don't think you want to do that. There's also the possibility that she'd take that for a spin on social media too, and try to paint you as even more erratic than she already has.

The less material you give her to work with, the better. Let things be awkward. Assume she'll keep on slagging you on Facebook; just don't give her any new subjects.

[OutOfEgypt]

It is possible that I overreacted, but I just don't think I can really go through life without thinking negative things about her.  It is not realistic or possible, especially given everything I've experienced with her.  So, if that means I get attacked every time I even infer something negative about her character, then I guess my life is going to be long and painful for as long as I have to deal with her.  Sucks.

And I agree... .I tend to keep my replies brief and I avoid arguing with her whenever possible.  It isn't worth it, and it only sets her off more.  I'm really tired of being told that she's "done" with me, yet again.  I want to hold up a mirror to her so that she can melt when she sees the monster before her, but I know that will never happen.

Just wish it did not hurt so much, and hurt to know that she was "busy getting f---ed" by her boyfriend when the break-in happened.  It doesn't bother me in a jealous way, but in a self-esteem way, which makes me think I'm still holding onto her in that department in an unhealthy way.

[OutOfEgypt]

I realized as I'm working today, as this settles in the back of my mind, that if anybody else -whether friend or stranger- acted like this to me, I would be like "pfff... .what a jerk" and cut them out of my life so fast their head would spin.  So why am I giving her such power?  I know I will say it is because she has the power to hurt my life -to manipulate the kids, to suddenly decide to take me to court for more money, etc.  So, here I am feeling that trepidation to walk on eggshells, but it's like... .if it was anybody else I would not bother to reply to any of this garbage.  In other words, I'm still afraid of her!  Sucks.

[vre]

She's going to do what she's going to do. She's going to try to gaslight you or blacken you whenever she feels like it or it suits her purposes.

In my case, my xW lies like a rug. When I have to communicate with her, I ask her very few questions, and never about anything that puts her on the spot; I'm pretty much guaranteed to get BS from her when it comes to those. I can usually also count on a following episode of her blackening me, up to and including fabricating stories of abuse.

If I were in your shoes, I'd have just skipped asking her about the house break-in; there's zero chance I'd get an honest answer. I'd just take whatever measures that seem prudent as a homeowner.

[OutOfEgypt]

If I were in your shoes, I'd have just skipped asking her about the house break-in; there's zero chance I'd get an honest answer.

Yup, it served absolutely no purpose.  As if she was going to say, "Yes, sorry... .meant to tell you about that."

[Boss302]

-First thing had to do with my ex wanting to see the kids while I am on vacation, many states away from home, visiting my family.  The kids have not seen my family all together in a few years, so this was a big deal.  Yet my ex still found a way to insert herself into it.  She wanted me to drive to another state so that she could see the kids.  She was in a nearby state for work, so she figured I would be willing to take away one of the mere 11 days we had for vacation to drive multiple hours to meet her and hang around while she takes the kids out and visits them.  I told her no.  That pissed her off.  No surprise.  The fact that she would even ask is beyond words.

Tell her to arrange for her own transportation up to where you and the kids are staying, and that she'll get the time that's allotted to her in her custody agreement. If it's not her time to be with them, then she won't be. Period. Let's face it - if she wants to go drive to where her kids are, you can't stop her. But you can keep the same ground rules in place that apply to any other time.

-Second thing was about my eldest daughter getting her nails done with her cousins.  It was an idea my sister came up with.  I thought it was a nice thing to do for the girls, sort of an ice-breaker.  I went along, too.  My daughter and I posted pictures of it on Facebook.  Well, later on I am barraged with guilt-tripping text-messages about how we took yet another thing away from her.  That was supposed to be a mother-daughter thing, and I am a thoughtless jerk.  Seriously, I know I cannot win, but I'm getting so sick of this crap.  Then I had to hear my daughter tell me how her mom was complaining all over Facebook how "heartbroken" she is, without saying why.  *Puke*  That was enough.  It took me a day to get over that and get back to fully enjoying my vacation.

Again... .keep the emotion out of it. You're that child's father. If you want to get her nails done, then you have every right. Certainly nothing stopped your ex from doing so in the numerous years that she's been the kid's mom, right? 

-Third, I find out from the house-sitter that my ex contacted her to go over to my house while I was gone.  I don't want my ex at my house while I am gone, and she knows that.  She was supposed to come home the day I return home, but she told this girl who is housesitting that suddenly she's coming home on the 7th.  So, she wants to go over there.  The housesitter contacts me, and I apologize that she has to deal with this (I assured her my ex would be gone the whole time I was gone), and asked her to reiterate my boundary to my ex.  She did.  That night, I was sent a number of text messages from my ex asking me why I think she's such a horrible person blah blah blah and won't let her in the house.  I didn't engage.  It's emotionally exhausting to deal with this crap, but I just repeated that I just don't want her in my house while I'm gone.  I didn't defend or justify my position.  I just restated it and reminded her that this is nothing new.

Tell your housesitter to simply call the cops if she comes around again, and make sure the ex knows that's the deal. Your house is your property. She has no right to be there if you say no. Period.

-Today, I'm out visiting some old-time friends when I get a call from the housesitter.  I let it go to voicemail.  I get another call immediately, so I knew it must be important.  I answer.  The housesitter tells me this story of how it appears someone broke into the house while they were there.  Dogs didn't bark, nothing is missing, but the security cam is unplugged.  The other odd thing is that the dishes were missing during the week and suddenly they were back in the house on the morning that the housesitter noticed the house was broken into.  Doors were also left unlocked, such as to the garage, etc.  But there was no evidence that anything was stolen.

I talked to the police officer who arrived (I told the housesitter to report it) over the phone, and he said that he felt it was someone I knew, and more than likely my ex wife who broke into my house -the dishes stolen and returned are not high-value, but they are dishes that belong to my ex and will be hers when she gets her own place (she lives with a family member for now).  Based on the fact that nothing was stolen, that the camera was unplugged (you cant see that a camera is there unless you already know it is there... .or have your face on camera), and the stuff with the dishes, he felt it made sense that it could be her.  But she still has a key to the house and still has personal property in my house, so he told me that it is unlikely that the DA would prosecute for reasons such as that.

He advised me to change my locks and tell her to get her things out of my house ASAP, or to at least ask for the key back.  That won't obviously stop her, however.  This was to make a point.  This was her showing me that she can come in whenever she wants.  She is a psycho.  I am seriously sick of dealing with this.

Hold on... .are you guys divorced? If so she should have no right to enter your property.

[Boss302]

I realized as I'm working today, as this settles in the back of my mind, that if anybody else -whether friend or stranger- acted like this to me, I would be like "pfff... .what a jerk" and cut them out of my life so fast their head would spin.  So why am I giving her such power?  I know I will say it is because she has the power to hurt my life -to manipulate the kids, to suddenly decide to take me to court for more money, etc.  So, here I am feeling that trepidation to walk on eggshells, but it's like... .if it was anybody else I would not bother to reply to any of this garbage.  In other words, I'm still afraid of her!  Sucks.

Yes it does... .and it does get better, but it never really goes away completely.

Remember, this disorder makes for VERY good manipulators, and your ex knows exactly what buttons to push on you. The fact that you're here talking about it means that's she's still able to do that to you. What you need to do is to deactivate the buttons... .and you do that by BELIEVING that you're a good man, a good father, and were a good husband to your ex. Come to truly believe all that, and she'll have fewer buttons to push, and control you with. And once you're in that place, you can be far more effective with low-contact (notice I don't say "no contact," because with kids, that's a fantasy - it'll never happen), and begin to truly remove the emotional diarrhea from your communication (like somehow thinking getting your daughter's nails done is an "issue" - if you don't accept it as an issue, then it isn't!).

The second thing that will happen is that you'll become far less interested in the drama. Whether you know it or not, you still are, and your posts show that. What interests you in the drama? It's simple - you're used to getting your buttons pushed. It's a habit, and habits are hard to break. It's the way you interacted with her when you were married, like it or not. Once you deactivate the buttons, though, you can step back from the drama, devise a new way of communication with her that works for YOU.

It took me a few years to get to that place, and I'm not always 100% successful with it... .there's still part of me that's afraid of what she could do if she really wanted to. But it's a LOT better than before. This does get better with time. Hang in there. And keep being a good dad! In the end, you can't lose with that "strategy".

[OutOfEgypt]

Boss302

What you said is all true.  Sometimes, I'm getting there, and then a bomb drops and I'm back to freaking out.

there's still part of me that's afraid of what she could do if she really wanted to.

This is really it.  This is probably the biggest reason why she keeps sway and isn't ignored like a fool -I'm scared of having a court order arrive by courier stating some new crazy thing she's doing or trying to take from me (my kids, more money, or even my freedom).  I'm scared of her alienating the kids from me with her lies and manipulation, even though it will probably never happen.  I'm scared I'll wake up to the police showing up at my door, arresting me for something I don't even know about.  This has been hard to break.  Though it is unlikely that any of these things will happen, you are right that having our buttons pushed is a habit... .as is the habit of complying out of fear or guilt.  But the thing is... .she *is* scary!  And over time, I've become so wearied from the beatings that fearing her and walking on eggshells seems better than taking my life back.  Oi vey.  Not good, but good to re-admit it.

I just want to be left alone, and it seems fearing her has been a way to try and control what I cannot control.

[Boss302]

Boss302

What you said is all true.  Sometimes, I'm getting there, and then a bomb drops and I'm back to freaking out.

there's still part of me that's afraid of what she could do if she really wanted to.

This is really it.  This is probably the biggest reason why she keeps sway and isn't ignored like a fool -I'm scared of having a court order arrive by courier stating some new crazy thing she's doing or trying to take from me (my kids, more money, or even my freedom).  I'm scared of her alienating the kids from me with her lies and manipulation, even though it will probably never happen.  I'm scared I'll wake up to the police showing up at my door, arresting me for something I don't even know about.  This has been hard to break.  Though it is unlikely that any of these things will happen, you are right that having our buttons pushed is a habit... .as is the habit of complying out of fear or guilt.  But the thing is... .she *is* scary!  And over time, I've become so wearied from the beatings that fearing her and walking on eggshells seems better than taking my life back.  Oi vey.  Not good, but good to re-admit it.

I just want to be left alone, and it seems fearing her has been a way to try and control what I cannot control.

Agreed, the BPDx can be scary. But I'd suggest that if the divorce is over (and it appears that's the case from what you've posted), and you have custody of the kids, you've survived the worst of it. If the kids are with you most of the time, then she's going to have a much harder time alienating them or having them go along with false accusations. And after a while, kids do catch on to who the stable parent is - mine are figuring it out.

Nor can you control what she does. She can't, after all.

It's OK to be afraid, but combat it by being the best man and dad you can be. Once you have come to believe that of yourself, then she can allege what she wants. I'd like to say I'm 100% there, but I'm not... .maybe 80-90%. But that's a damn sight better than where I was... .for me and for my kids.

[livednlearned]

OutofEgypt, it's really really hard to get centered when you're dealing with a disordered person. It's possible, you can do it, but it takes time and practice and tools. It also takes strength.

Having your house broken into while you're on vacation is stressful, period. It's normal to feel paranoid when something like that happens, even without a disordered person in your life. When something like that happens, and you are on tilt, it's probably going to be next to impossible to try and recenter when two things are pounding on you at once. A burglar, and a mentally ill ex wife. You were already reeling from stuff with your ex when this happened, so I imagine it wouldn't take much for you to go from zero to ten. How you responded seems normal, under the circumstances.

About two years ago, I thought my ex was going to kill my son and then himself one night when my son (10 at the time) was at his dad's for the weekend. One of the reasons I keep posting here is because friends here helped me through that nightmare and I remember clearly how oddly comforting it was that there were these wise old souls on the boards who had weathered many storms and despite my extreme fear and stress and anxiety, they were grounded and calm. They had been in the fire, and were calmly telling me to step a little to the right where there was a bucket of water and no flames.

That night, N/BPDx sent 100+ messages, IMs, emails, voicemails, text messages -- he was clearly out of his mind, telling me I would never see my son again and other veiled threats that made me literally throw up from stress.

Anyway, I understand the extreme kinds of stress and anxiety that goes with this disorder. For me, I cannot imagine anything worse than having my child's father kill him. There just isn't anything as awful as that. It is literally my worst fear. I didn't even know I had this fear until I left N/BPDx and my mind kept going there. Talk about negative engagement. He built the bonfire and I lit the match.

It is true that our exes can be our nemesis, but so is our own fear. Something bad might happen. No one here on these boards will disagree because many have already experienced something so close to the worst thing it might as well be the worst. There are no guarantees. But if you are going to live in fear, walk up to those fears and just face them. Experience whatever you are afraid of to the fullest and get it over with.

You have an entire life to live, and daughters who need you. They need you to be calm and centered and present. All the tools that people recommend you use on your ex, use them on your kids. That's the way to prevent alienation from taking root. Validation, SET, radical acceptance, wisemind. They're just a bunch of effective tools that will make you one seriously kick ass parent. I promise you that you can be just as prepared for whatever worse-case scenario without being wound up tight as a drum. I'm speaking to you as a peer who has walked a deep rut in this path and if I could, I would give you one year's worth of free stress-free living so you don't have to waste any more days worrying about the worst thing that can happen. Chances are, it's already happened anyway.

My advice is to deal with the anger first. That might mean confronting your fears -- and that takes guts. You have to have some balls to do that. You may also have to grieve, which is hard when you're angry and outraged. Dealing with grief and fear is how you stop walking on eggshells. Or whatever the post-divorce walking on eggshells thing is.

This woman is going to be in your life for a long long time. She is going to make you miserable just by virtue of breathing. She isn't going to change, she isn't going away, and she is the mother of your kids. It sucks. That's why it's called radical acceptance. It's truly radical. Nothing easy about it.

I cannot wait for the day when she punishes him like she punished me.

How about: You cannot wait for the day when you no longer feel this way.

It is the best feeling to get your life back even better than it was before you met her.

[sanemom]

Boss302

What you said is all true.  Sometimes, I'm getting there, and then a bomb drops and I'm back to freaking out.

there's still part of me that's afraid of what she could do if she really wanted to.

This is really it.  This is probably the biggest reason why she keeps sway and isn't ignored like a fool -I'm scared of having a court order arrive by courier stating some new crazy thing she's doing or trying to take from me (my kids, more money, or even my freedom).  I'm scared of her alienating the kids from me with her lies and manipulation, even though it will probably never happen.  I'm scared I'll wake up to the police showing up at my door, arresting me for something I don't even know about.  This has been hard to break.  Though it is unlikely that any of these things will happen, you are right that having our buttons pushed is a habit... .as is the habit of complying out of fear or guilt.  But the thing is... .she *is* scary!  And over time, I've become so wearied from the beatings that fearing her and walking on eggshells seems better than taking my life back.  Oi vey.  Not good, but good to re-admit it.

I just want to be left alone, and it seems fearing her has been a way to try and control what I cannot control.

Agreed, the BPDx can be scary. But I'd suggest that if the divorce is over (and it appears that's the case from what you've posted), and you have custody of the kids, you've survived the worst of it. If the kids are with you most of the time, then she's going to have a much harder time alienating them or having them go along with false accusations. And after a while, kids do catch on to who the stable parent is - mine are figuring it out.

Nor can you control what she does. She can't, after all.

It's OK to be afraid, but combat it by being the best man and dad you can be. Once you have come to believe that of yourself, then she can allege what she wants. I'd like to say I'm 100% there, but I'm not... .maybe 80-90%. But that's a damn sight better than where I was... .for me and for my kids.

Definitely agree--focus on being the best dad you can be and living your life.  We are just now getting out of the drama and feeling like a 200 pound gorilla has been taken out of our lives for good (a negative advocate on the case), it is wonderfully freeing.  The anxiety has lessened a great deal.  Looking back on just weeks ago, I think that anxiety created behaviors that made us look like the high conflict ones, and the kids were thinking we were just as guilty.  Then I had an aha moment.

My illustration:  Johnny keeps hitting Janie over and over again.  Janie has finally had enough and hits Johnny back.  As a parent, you call them both out on hitting each other.  However, if Janie had just dodged the conflict, walked to another play area, and lived her life, you would know clearly that Johnny was the high conflict kid. 

DH and I kept playing the role of Janie, and it sometimes made us look just as guilty to outsiders, including the kids, and gave mom a chance to play victim once again for them.  We just recently had an incident where we went to another play area instead of hitting back, and it was a powerful feeling--BPD mom can't play victim (which is her favorite role--she probably carries her own body chalk).  But we couldn't get to that place until our anxiety level was decreased. 

And maybe you can still be angry and want to get back at her, but realize that what you are doing is NOT getting back at her.  If you are happy and not feeding into the drama, you are getting back at her because you are withholding her drug of choice--drama.