Tonight felt like a new low

[Cat21]

I knew that uBPDh's behavior would change as soon as we got home from vacation. We had a great 2 weeks of no dysregulations, rages, etc.: just NORMAL, nice time together. Since we've been home (1 week), it's been one thing after another. This evening was bad.

We went to a party at a friend's house and my husband got drunk (nothing unusual there; he does this at every single party we attend, which always makes me the DD and responsible party. Real fair.) After we left the party, we went for a long walk and then got some dinner. By the end of dinner, he seemed sober to me. He was pleasant and non-confrontational. So, when he asked if he could drive home, I said yes, even though part of me was quite reluctant. He started driving, and was looking at his phone for directions, even though the GPS was talking to him. I asked him to put his phone down, as that is illegal. He agreed. A few moments later, he picked his phone up again and started looking through his photos. I asked him once again to put the phone down, and reminded him that it is illegal. He refused. At this point, I told him that I didn't feel safe and asked him once again to put the phone down; he could have been pulled over. I managed to take the phone out of his hand, but then he began raging at me (all while driving), accusing me of being controlling and crazy and insisting that I trust him. I told him that it's impossible to trust him when he openly breaks the law and shows no respect for my safety. The rest of the way home, he drove too fast.

I feel horrible. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for allowing him to drive my car. I know better. I will never, EVER do that again. I also feel like this is a new low for me; I've never felt unsafe around my H. NEVER.

When we got home, he sat down on the couch and passed out. I woke up him about 30 minutes after he passed out and told him that I wanted to say something to him. I said that I was very uncomfortable with his behavior in the car and that it really hurt me to be invalidated by him by not recognizing my fear in feeling unsafe. I told him that I will never put myself in that situation again. Then I asked him if he felt bad, and he shook his head no.

What was I supposed to do in that situation? I wasn't nasty when I asked him to NOT break the law; he has said to me many times that he hopes I never look at my phone when I'm driving (I do not) because it's dangerous. Just last week, while on vacation, he made a point to hand me his phone for directions so that he wouldn't have to hold it while driving. And now... this? Ugh. I feel like I'm back to square one.

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[Cat21]

This prompts another question: have you ever given your pwBPD the silent treatment? When you are hurt by your pwBPD's actions, do you ever take a few days away with no contact?

[KateCat]

I just want to compliment you on your excellent boundaries regarding safe driving.

And maybe to ask what your perception of the role of alcohol in your husband's life is. And if the issue of drinking is an important--and somewhat easily described--matter to address. (And then beyond that just to reiterate that it's probably not helpful to argue with him when/after he's been drinking.)

Can you guess I'm the adult child of an alcoholic?

[maryy16]

My H can have terrible road rage when he's dysregulated.  Many times in the past I have begged him to pull over because he has been out of control, and he will rage at me and drive faster and crazier on purpose just to "show" me that "I can't tell him what to do." 

For me, I finally decided that i HAD to set some boundaries because he was such a danger. Once he was calm again I explained to him that he puts myself/our kids and everyone else on the road in danger when he's out of control.  I told him that for everyone's safety,  I will not ever allow him to drive when's he's out of control. He didn't really respond to this at the time.

Fast forward to the next his next rage when we were at home where he decided he was "going to go for a drive". I grabbed his keys and refused to give them to him and reminded him that i would not let hom drive. He screamed and yelled and called me every nasty name in the book.  It was terribly hard, but I stood firm. I just let him yell and he finally wore himself out and went to sleep.

Then a couple of times while we were out to dinner, he became dysregulated. As we were leaving, I made sure I got to the car first and got into the driver's seat. He stood outside the car refusing to get in, demanding that I move over and let him drive.  He caused a scene. Again, I waited him out, and he finally got in the car, and raged all the way home.

Then the third time he dysregulated while we were out, while we were walking to the car, I told him I was driving home, and this time he quietly got into the passenger seat and was silent on the ride home.

I won't lie and say this was easy for me at all.  In fact, it was terrible, but the way I look at it is this.  He was going to rage at me anyway (whether I let him drive or not) because he was already dysregulated and by stopping him from driving at least I kept myself and others on the road safe.

I hope this might give you the strength to set boundaries on this issue.

[flowerpath]

Cat21, I had a similar experience about five months ago on a dark rainy night, and it was very frightening.  No alcohol was involved, but the issue was that I had his cell phone and would not give it to him while he was driving.   He started yelling at me and driving wildly, even yelling and cursing out the window at other drivers, and the more I asked him to stop, the more reckless he became.  That was the second time he had driven like that while being angry at me, but this behavior, when the driving conditions were already dangerous, was beyond comprehension.  Absolutely no thought of consequences.

Maybe S.E.T. would have worked, but I didn’t know about it then. I hate being in the car alone with him because when he starts getting angry about something, I feel like I am trapped.  I can stop and get out if I am driving, but not necessarily so if he is.  After that incident, I decided that I won’t ever get in a car with him again while he is behind the wheel no matter what he says.  By not putting myself in that situation, I will look out for my own safety, and I will never have to deal with anything like that ever again. 

I’m not surprised that your husband indicated that he did not feel bad.  My husband recently sent a text to me about his behavior:  “Take it easy.  It’s not as bad as you think.”   He has no clue.   

Alcohol is not an issue any more, but earlier in our marriage, it was.  Multiple times I took days away with no contact, sometimes staying at a friend’s house and sometimes at a hotel.  I didn’t tell him I was going and he had no idea where I was.   I almost left completely.  I tried counseling, but after the first session, I realized that the counselor didn’t understand that I was dealing with a man who was a serious alcohol abuser, and I did not go back.  I felt that no one would understand or be able to help me, so I didn’t seek further help until many years later.   In retrospect, I would have kept looking until I found someone who truly understood what was going on and could have helped me to develop strong boundaries and stick with them. 

[Cat21]

Thank you all. I really appreciate the encouragement. I was really feeling low last night.

Katecat, the drinking is definitely an issue. He is not an alcoholic, but he abuses alcohol. I have talked to him about my concerns and although he has acknowledged them, he has yet to cut back on the drinking. I've been having a hard time developing boundaries around the drinking, but after last night, I've decided that in the future when we attend parties, I will leave when I am ready to leave, whether he is with me or not. On our recent vacation, he hardly drank at all. Now that we are home and back to reality, it's back to nightly drinking. And yes, you are right about not arguing with him when he's drunk- it's totally useless.

Flowerpath, how did the drinking issue change in your marriage? And as far as the days away with no contact go; I'm headed out if town for a few days with friends this afternoon. I'm thinking about no contact for those days. I'm still pretty upset about yesterday's behavior.

[flowerpath]

Cat21, I believe it was a combination of things, but it was ultimately a decision he made on his own.  It was about 9 years into our marriage, when our first son was little, that he came home after drinking and almost dropped him.  At the time, things were pretty bad, and I was nearing the point of finding another place for our son and me to live.  My husband knew he was about to lose his family.  I found a psychologist (the third try!) who could see what was happening and he gave me some tools – basically boundaries – that helped me to be stronger.  I also prayed – a lot.  My husband went to a couple of counseling sessions, but then stopped going.  I kept going until I felt I could stand on my own two feet.  Somewhere in that period of time, my husband totally stopped drinking, and in fact, now his opinions about alcohol use are at the opposite extreme.  So even with all of the anger, verbal abuse, etc., at least alcohol is not a factor any more.

Having time away with no contact helped me to feel as though I had some control over what was happening in my life.  It helped me to get away from the things that were hurting me.   I did not miss talking with him or seeing him.  I was sheltered from the conflict, able to see the situation from a different perspective, and once I stopped crying, I was able to think clearly in the peace and quiet.  It gave me time to think and decide what I was going to do. I gained strength from it, and never regretted the times there was no contact. 

[Ceruleanblue]

I'd never read any blogs on there yet talking about road rage, so this was really eye opening for me. My uBPDh has had road rage for years. It was about the only thing he was honest enough(temperament and character wise) to tell me while we were dating. Although he told me he'd had anger management classes for it, and was better now. He did get angry once time, and I told him it had better never happen again, but that was back when we were dating, and he'd actually listen or respect a boundary.

It seems that road rage is pretty common amongst those with BPD then? I too hate being in the car when my husband dysregulates. And another time some lady cut him off in a parking lot, and he got in a huge rage at his lady, and it was one of the truly most embarrassing instances in my life. I was really ashamed to be with him that day.