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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: How do you decipher BPD speak?  (Read 357 times)
nightmoves
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 121



« on: August 10, 2014, 09:41:38 AM »

So, my highly emotional - but difficult communicative BPDwife is getting more and more difficult to understand . So the riddle gets harder to understand.

I have - through this board and much reading - gotten MUCH more able to finally unlock the riddle of a VERY difficult 3 years. Finding out about BPD has been like lightening hitting... .all at once all the riddles I struggled with ... .for so long... .were unlocked.

But let me give you a recent example of what continues to risk my sanity - and leaves me SO fratught with confusion.

We had a really nice lunch the other day out. It was really great. She showed signs of her long ago self. I enjoyed myself - and was lulled into just a nice natural place... .not worrying about eggshells.

On the ride home... .I said... .

"You know - we need to really do this more often. It was really nice."

"We should show each other and us being together more appreciation than we do"

( I was REALLY in a good spot when I said that and was SO appreciating her and us)

Her reaction?

She got upset. Angry.

I was TOTALLY confused.

I kept trying to understand (through the shock) and simply explain myself.

She then was furious that I was "criticising" her. Said that "nothing is ever enough"... .

She would NOT stop seeing what I thought was a POSITIVE and caring statement coming from a great feeling for her and our marriage... .and looking it as  a "negative" (?) statement?

She then said "If I am not enough for you. IF they way I am is not good enough for you. Then you need to let me go"

Whaaaaatt?

So I have read on here often about triggers. Read about how BPD sufferers are HIGHLY attuned to criticism (even where there is none)... .

BUT - I am REALLY still having trouble with reality being SO turned on its ear. STILL upset by being accused... .as meaning or feeling things that are the OPPOSITE of what I feel or say.

In learning about BPD I realize that while the past 3 years (where she has exhibited in that time EXTREME BPD behavior - rages, irrational and unpredictable behavior, excess drinking, perimenapause,  hormonal issues/imbalance, endocrine imbalance, etc.) I have SO OFTEN simply tried desperately to explain her misconceptions. Been floored by her fury at wildly distorted "explanations" for things. Been acceptant of SO MUCH blame that at times was not only not plausible - but incredibly far fetched.

I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to "get her to see the truth and reality"... .but the episodes were SO filled with emotion, anger, name calling, fury... .that I felt if I could not get her to truly see and understand the TRUTH and reality ... .we (us or marriage) was at risk.

But I STILL get so put upside down by incidents like this recent one at lunch.

Can someone PLEASE try and discet WHAT that incident might mean or what I take away from that? WHAT is a BPD thinking and or feelgin when I said what I said?

WHY would something seemingly SO POSITIVE - wind up making her angry?

Thank you

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maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2014, 11:37:49 AM »

Several guesses here:

-she felt like you were somehow blaming her for the fact that you don't do things together often enough.  -she felt that having lunch was a big stressful burden on her, and saying it was a good time was invalidating her emotion.

-she interpreted this comment as you saying these are your needs for a happy marriage, and she feels that she can't meet those needs.  "I am miserable and I have a right to be miserable, don't force me to be happy and social."

But - don't waste much time trying to figure this out, because in being with a pwBPD, you can't figure all her behaviors out, and can't prevent all triggers.  The reason being is that they are based in her emotions, and you have no control over that.  Sometimes they will just get upset even though you didn't say anything wrong.  Actually, most of the time we do absolutely nothing wrong.  I've been in the same circumstances many, many times, and I am slowly learning to just accept this is the way it is and go on about my business.  It stinks though when things feel so well for you, and she throws this crap at you.  Very frustrating.  And it's like a dagger to the heart when in that moment she suggest you be with someone else, or that you are somehow causing her pain by not letting her go.  Like you are keeping her captive or something.

Believe me, I've hard it.  About how I'm doing everything wrong and how if I can't accept that she is a miserable angry person, that I should just let her go and find someone else who is wholesome and good and innocent.  (sometimes, I'm tempted to take her up on that offer)  She has no idea how much that hurts me to hear.  And she will rant on and on about how life is miserable (she recently told me how the past year was the worst of her life), and I will remind her that she CHOSE to move here, CHOSE to live with me, and if she is unhappy she can CHOOSE to change that.  But she makes it sound like I am forcing her to a life of misery .
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nightmoves
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 121



« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2014, 12:20:02 PM »

Dear MAx/Sterling

Max - than you for that reply.

It really helps.

I think what trips me up - are the dozens and dozens of the 180 shifts in emotion and mood and statements.

I am beyond living on eggshells - this is like being in a fun house (no fun though).

The unpredictability is debilitating. Crazy making.

I do not want to lose my marriage - but am now just desperate to UNDERSTAND what the riddles really mean.

I have lived a life FAR from being a pathetic man.

But I now feel that way. I am not a guy who HAS to take this kind of rage, agner, blame, put downs, etc...

And the fact that I AM... .i primarily due to those 180's.

AND the fact that there are about 200 contractions in all this.

Sometimes it feels she really loves me. Other times she hates me.

At times she appreciates me. At times I am disposable.

I go form being a great man in the AM. To a terrible man in the PM.

MANY days - I wrack my brain even trying to understand what/why.

I many times succeed in a conversation lasting long enough for me to ask/please with her to tellme why... .and the best i get is some vague amorphous non specific answer.

If I was EVER that much in rage... .hate... anger at someone... I would have NO trouble being very specific with why.

So - I really appreciate one thing very much... .

The fact that I need to STOP trying to "solve" the riddles.

I think I feel Imay just find the "aha" moment - so I can truly decide what to do.

If she loves me... .I certainly want to keep this marriage and be married to her.

If she does not... .I want to be gone from this .

I just can never really get the "aha"moment.

Which in itself is truly confusing to me.

IF she wants me.

She SHOULD want me to not be confused - right?

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123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2014, 02:57:54 PM »

We had a really nice lunch the other day out. It was really great. She showed signs of her long ago self. I enjoyed myself - and was lulled into just a nice natural place... .not worrying about eggshells.

On the ride home... .I said... .

"You know - we need to really do this more often. It was really nice."

"We should show each other and us being together more appreciation than we do"

( I was REALLY in a good spot when I said that and was SO appreciating her and us)

Her reaction?

She got upset. Angry.

I was TOTALLY confused.

I kept trying to understand (through the shock) and simply explain myself.

She then was furious that I was "criticising" her. Said that "nothing is ever enough"... .

She would NOT stop seeing what I thought was a POSITIVE and caring statement coming from a great feeling for her and our marriage... .and looking it as  a "negative" (?) statement?

She then said "If I am not enough for you. IF they way I am is not good enough for you. Then you need to let me go"

Whaaaaatt?

Hi nightmoves,

I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed your lunch together

Less is more when it comes to telling them or explaining what our expectations are of our time spent together, after a really nice time.  The way "we" should behave towards each other, which some people take as "I" should... .What, be more?  I'm not enough? 

(more = room for interpretation) In a way, it's saying, "See!  This is what I have been trying to get through to you!"  Diminishing the nice time spent together that just took place, in essence, not appreciating it or her, because she should appreciate you more... .

(less =) "I had such a nice time today and feel so good!  (kiss)  Looking forward to doing it again... .  How does the place you mentioned the other day sound?" 

It's owning your own feelings, appreciating her and your time spent together, while giving her the space to come forward to meet you where you are, if she so desires.

We only have control over ourselves, our own emotions, so might as well be loving towards yourself with respect for her Smiling (click to insert in post)

Otherwise, just bask in the moment Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Talk about the actual time that you're spending together, with no expectations of future anything's.  They'll come once the pressure is off Smiling (click to insert in post)
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