Wanting to stay despite the costs: zero friend and family support

[Green_eyes]

Hello all,

My BPD fiancé and I have been separated for over a month now. We have a 7 month old baby together and there has been a history of abuse (including physical) during and after my pregnancy.

This is the first time his actions have led me to get a protection order against him. He has left where we live because of this order and has went to his mothers home to work on his mental health in another province.

My family and friends are now fully aware of the history of abuse and are very disturbed by this. I have told them that it is over because I feel like I cannot admit that I want to try and work things out one day down the road if serious progress can be made and is seen in his actions. I also know that serious work needs to be done in my end to not be so codependent.

We are currently NC for one week (we were corresponding through email) and it has been incredibly tough not reaching out but perhaps this is what has to happen if anything can ever get better.

Has anyone ever experienced a success story after experiencing abusive behaviour or seeking a protection order?

I want to do what is right for my son and I don't want to risk losing the support of my family but I still love my fiancé very much and deeply miss him and our time together as a family.

The more time goes by the more clearly I am seeing things and it is heartbreaking to admit that there were so many issues in our relationship due to his BPD and abusive behaviours and I was losing myself trying to "be there" for him.

I fear that things may now be damaged beyond repair.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Youcantfoolme]

I'm sorry but I don't have any experience with protection orders but I was in mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with a person who (I now realize)  may have suffered from BPD. I didn't have a child at the time and to me, that's a huge game changer in the decision making process of whether to leave or stay with an abuser. In my experience and from what I've learned along the way from various sources, people like that don't change unless they recognize there's a problem and proactively seek treatment (hopefully on their own accord). Once those behaviors are instilled, it's very hard for them to be broken. Your fiancé needs to get help and he has to want to do it not only for you, but for himself.

I remember being very secretive with my friends and family at the time in fear of them looking at me like I was a complete moron for what I put up with. Looking back, I wish I didn't care so much what people thought. Telling them may have saved me sooner and helped me see the real version of the truth and not just what he presented as the truth. I was very isolated at the time and also lost a lot of contact with my friends. Talking to the few I had left, is what saved me in the end. Once I let one thing out, I couldn't stop! I kept going and going and it felt good to FINALLY have my feelings validated. For a while I admit, I was brainwashed by him and almost feel into a sort of Stockholm syndrome of sorts. I was gas lighted till no end and felt like I was the crazy one who was losing my mind. I would really suggest confiding in someone you really trust. Someone who you know wouldn't judge you, no matter what decision you make. I can't tell you how important it is to maintain relationships with friends and family if you're in an abusive relationship. It could seriously be the difference between life and death.

As for your situation, like I said, think of what seeing you being abused will do to your child in the future. It's going to affect him or her deeply. In fact my ex-abuser shared many stories with me about the abuse he received and witnessed as a child. His step father was abusive to his mom and all it did was teach him how to be abusive to women, himself. Also, you must think of what happens one day if the abuse turns to the child?

I know this sounds very corny and cliché, but everything happens for a reason. Maybe this happened during your engagement because its a sign that the marriage wasn't meant to be. I know it's very hard to "unlove" someone but you have a greater responsibility in your life now as a mother. For me personally, it would take a VERY long time of consistent improvements for me to consider marrying someone who I thought of as an abuser.

I'm sorry if this comes off mean or it's not what you want to hear but it's words I had wished someone would have said to me while I was going through it. It may have saved me a great deal of stress and heartache. I really sympathize with your situation. Please just think of that sweet little child before you put them and yourself through any undue abuse. 

[Green_eyes]

Thank you for your reply. Having my son was and is the biggest game changer of all and ultimately led my to getting the protection order in the first place.

I know that ultimately, BPD or not, abuse is abuse and it is especially significant when that abuse becomes physical because it sets a new dynamic in motion that I also believe will be very difficult to break.

I struggle with the loss of the "family" I wanted so badly while mourning the fact that this family was only an illusion.

I live in fear for how this will work if we are separated and my ex pushes for visitation or any kind if custody. I have been told that to not be granted visitation would be a very unlikely event. This leads me to feeling like I am trapped into attempting to make the relationship work or by being present when my ex gets time with our child.

sometimes I can't help but wish that the man I fell in live with was real and not just consumed by the high of finding his latest fix. Sometimes I want to believe that seeing our son will change something inside him and make him want to be a better man and a better father and a better partner to keep the family he says he misses so much together.

Unfortunately his actions have been so extreme throughout our relationship that I am left feeling confused and heartbroken. I worry that I will never be able to fully trust again and I cannot admit the truth that when someone loves you they are not capable of such viciousness.

Their actions match up with their proclamations of love.

Thank you again for taking the time to write me. 

[Youcantfoolme]

My heart really goes out to you and your baby. I have a 19 month old and I couldn't imagine being put in that type of situation with his father. I know it can't be easy. It sounds to me, like you're a smart and strong woman with her head on straight. Leaving someone you love, even when they are abusive, isn't easy by any means. You're right in saying that phsical abuse really changes the dynamic of the relationship. You can't live in fear worrying about being physically attacked, while trying to care for a baby which in itself, is stressful enough.

If your ex pushes for visitation, you can offer supervised visits. I'm not sure exactly how it works but I'm pretty sure that will involve some type of either social worker or someone that you trust from his side of the family. If you're on good terms with his parents, it may be that he can only come see the child, while the child is in the care of his parents. In a high conflict situation, this is almost always the safest route to go. Since you have an order or protection against him, you obviously cannot exchange the child to his care yourself. You will have to appoint someone to do so. I also highly doubt he would win any type of custody battle against you unless he could prove that you're an unfit mother, but I doubt that's the case! Also due to the charges against him, I highly doubt the courts would award custody.  You should start doing research and seeing what the laws are in your state. Maybe it's time to contact a lawyer.

I'm also concerned that you mentioned him chasing a high. That also worries me. Is he using drugs? If so, then maybe he needs some type of drug counseling. That could be causing his anger.

I really, really feel terrible for you. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.