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Author Topic: Accused of harassment every time I try to coparent :(  (Read 1210 times)
trying2coparent

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« on: August 10, 2014, 10:33:25 PM »

OK, please lay it at me and tell me what I am doing wrong. This is a summary of a two day email conversation with ex.

Me: (Forward) reminder to S5's therapy next day.

EX: You should have let me know earlier, this is too soon of a notice.

Me: Sorry, I did a month ago in the letter I sent with the doctor bills.

Me: Oh, I am sorry, just looked at the letter. I had to move the appointment up one week because you refused to take our son to his therapy on your weekend.

Ex: This is the exact thing I am bringing up in court. You never tell me about the appointments.

Me: (I always notify her via email... I decide to create a google calendar and add her emails to it... .this is how I keep up with stuff, using the calendar)

Ex: Quit emailing me, I received dozen of emails about your calendar. (auto emails by google). I'm going to press charges on harassment.

Me: Just trying to keep you in the loop. (removed her from calendar, done with that approach, i'm just going to keep notifying her via email and keep my mouth shut).

Sigh, I feel like everything I do is wrong with this woman. She uses the harassment card all the time I am trying to keep communication open. Interestingly enough, she uses the harassment card when I relay information of our sons' special needs. She does nothing about it. Tells me it's all in my head. I keep spending hundreds each month without her reimbursing me. I keep sending her letters with bills (under 30 days per CO), again she accuses me of harassment. I'm at my wits end. I know my kids need the therapy, but I can barely afford it. Then on top of it, she accuses me of harassment every time. Is there ever an end to this madness?
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cookiedough21

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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2014, 05:36:22 PM »

I have no idea if there is an end to the madness but I feel your pain. I get the same thing. If I ignore my ex I'm terrible, awful and an "absent" parent. If I say anything at all I'm harassing her. Sometimes you just can't win.
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Matt
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2014, 10:40:38 AM »

Everybody is different but I'll suggest a couple of things that helped me... .

First, communicate only by e-mail, and keep it very short and simple - 3 sentences max.  One subject per e-mail.  No emotions and nothing about the past - just today.  Ignore anything sends which is inappropriate, emotional, or about anything other than the kids.

Don't argue with her.  Don't take the bait.  You don't have to prove anything to her - just state whatever you need to communicate, and stop.  If she argues, don't respond.

Then if she accuses you of something, if it's in court papers you have to respond to that or it could be taken seriously.  Respond formally by stating that her accusation is false and is backed up by no evidence.  Point out that she is making a lot of false accusations and ask the court to note that.

If the accusations aren't in court or in court documents, there's not much you can do.  Tell people who are important to you the truth, and accept that some of your ex's friends might believe whatever she says.
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momtara
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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2014, 01:23:24 PM »

There's that program "Our Family Wizard" to post appointments and stuff in.  It's like $199 a year I think.  Not sure if it'd help.
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AlonelyOne
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« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2014, 04:06:26 PM »

The claims of harassment are nigh insane, are they not?

I mean, if I send her an email, I'm horrible. Don't I know she's at work and can't answer.  Okay, so she'll send me an email at work and expect an answer.

Send her an email, get no response for days. Get an email, don't reply by the end of the day, I'm horrible.

Feels like it never ends.
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Panda39
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« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2014, 10:28:59 PM »

First, communicate only by e-mail, and keep it very short and simple - 3 sentences max.  One subject per e-mail.  No emotions and nothing about the past - just today.  Ignore anything sends which is inappropriate, emotional, or about anything other than the kids.

Don't argue with her.  Don't take the bait.  You don't have to prove anything to her - just state whatever you need to communicate, and stop.  If she argues, don't respond.

Yep, keep it short, sweet and informational only.  Follow your court order as required and keep your emails they are your documentation.  How can 1 email be harassment?  Even she is complaining that you only just notified her.

Don't take the bait you are providing her required information not harassing her in any way. 

By the way you know that your reminder would have been complained about no matter when you sent it to her right?  You do what is required in your court order or what is common courtesy and you have nothing to apologize for so don't.  Don't engage as much as possible this starves her of the drama, makes you less interesting and she might start looking for drama somewhere else.
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
bravhart1
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« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2014, 07:17:24 PM »

I'm curious why it's up to you to remind her of her son's appts? Could the Dr or therapist take over this role for you?

If the appt happens on your time, then a simple email notifying her of the appt. with the words "no action needed" after.

If she fails to make the proper appts or show up for them, note it and let the court know of her lack of responsibility.

I would disengage from being her appt minder, sounds like it doesn't make  either of you happy.

good luck!
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trying2coparent

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« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2014, 11:41:11 PM »

Sorry, been extremely busy at work, which is good as it has kept my mind off the ex.

Since the divorce, our two sons have been diagnosed with Special Needs. I have been the one planning, sorting, and getting these appointments and even getting the school involved providing them Special Education. She says all is fine and dandy at her end and even accused me of Munchhausen Syndrome. I do keep her inform, except that the schedule had to change because she refused to follow the one I originally set at the beginning of Summer. She refuses to take our son to therapy on her time. Heck, she refuses to pay her share of the expense. It's frustrating as hell, especially knowing how many professionals have said that our sons need help.

We are in the middle of a custody modification and she keeps insisting I harass her because I notify of the court order stuff, especially appointments and what she owes. Double sigh .
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momtara
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« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2014, 10:32:02 PM »

She is trying to bait you regarding the 'harassment.'  Don't respond to it.  If you are worried she'd take it to court, she has to prove it, and you clearly have documentation.

You could write her one long letter carefully laying out instances and telling her to stop accusing you falsely of harassment.  Then you have protected herself if she ever brings it to court.

My ex complains after every phone call to the kids at night.  He sends me a text or email saying I "interfered" in the calls.  I used to text back and say I wasn't.  Then we'd go back and forth for an hour, which is what he wants.  Now I just don't respond.  I'm learning to set boundaries and not engage - and it's empowering.

I'm not sure it will stop him, but at least it frees up an hour a night.    We shouldn't be put on the defense.
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2014, 05:42:07 AM »

I used to be where you're at with my uBPDxw until I gave up on co-parenting and went to parallel parenting. It's easy for me as I have primary custody. Not sure what you or others are dealing with. It's rough because I have to do everything but it's easy on my sanity as I don't need her for anything. If she wants to get involved on the kids (9&14) lives it's up yo her. I refuse to parent her on being a parent. I gave up being in the role of her Father when she abandoned me and the kids.

I'm NC and only communicate via e-mail so everything is documented. Whenever I get a schedule from school, sports or church function I fwd it to her in an email. It's already saved me a couple of time as she claimed she didn't know something and I just referred her to the email and she backed off. Make sure you're sending emails in a BIFF (Brief, Informative, Factual, Friendly) format to avoid conflict and false accusations. You're emails can be used against you if you're coming off as provoking her. BIFF IS IMPORTANT!

Parallel parenting, E-mail only and BIFF has helped me move forward with my life and is restoring sanity to me!

Good Luck

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
PinkieV
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« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2014, 06:57:47 AM »

Not to hijack the thread, but MWC, your comment about parenting your wife really hit home with me.  I have felt that way with my DH's uBPDew, and it's such a weird dynamic.  But managing her is a lot like parenting children or early teens.  I mentioned that on a step mom board a while back and the women there thought I was crazy.  They just didn't get it.  I've moved on to some other boards where everyone is much more thoughtful and open-minded.  Thanks for the validation!
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Panda39
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« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2014, 07:03:03 AM »

Not to hijack the thread, but MWC, your comment about parenting your wife really hit home with me.  I have felt that way with my DH's uBPDew, and it's such a weird dynamic.  But managing her is a lot like parenting children or early teens.  I mentioned that on a step mom board a while back and the women there thought I was crazy.  They just didn't get it.  I've moved on to some other boards where everyone is much more thoughtful and open-minded.  Thanks for the validation!

Both my SO & I have felt this way about our ex spouses... .his uBPDexw & my alcoholic ex-husband.  It's because we were responsible for everything and they weren't.
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Bellerphon

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« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2014, 09:13:16 AM »

oh man this is ongoing with me as well. last night the Parenting coach told her to back off. I use OFW to post appointments, and all pertinent data. The Parenting coach has access to view the communications.
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AlonelyOne
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« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2014, 10:12:08 AM »

and went to parallel parenting

What sort of schedule do you have? 

I am torn, because for me every other week offers the most benefits.

- minimal contact with ex

- day care costs reduced by half (only pay for the weeks I am using), that's like $300-$500/month savings)

- more routine

Downside, it's a long stretch. While lawyer has mentioned an evening mid-week. The issue there is that I have an hour commute. So this essentially equates to me having to run home quickly, deal with ex, get the kids with just enough time to feed and put to bed. Not much quality time.

But everyone seems to expect a mid-week as "reasonable", but it's hard to explain how many more challenges it adds.

I have suggested that it might make more sense to just swap a single child to facilitate some one on one time.
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Panda39
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« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2014, 03:20:39 PM »

Hi Alonelyone,

Parallel Parenting is a style of parenting not a particular schedule.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201309/parallel-parenting-after-divorce

My SO and his uBPDexw Parallel Parent it is a way of parenting that minimizes the contact between you and your spouse.  In my SO's case each parent has decision making in separate areas and each parent is responsible for and coordinates their areas.

My SO is responsible for Education, Medical & Dental so he schedules appointments and gets the kids there.  He informs his ex of the appointment and why the kid is going via email.  He will follow up with the ex again via email with pertinant information about the appointment.  If she has further questions she can call the teacher or doctor and talk to them directly. 

His ex is responsible for other things like vision appointments she must set up the appointment and get the kids there and my SO recieves information from her as well.

My SO tried co-parenting in a more traditional way before the divorce was final but it never worked.  uBPDexw always scheduled things during my SO's work hours (he's off a 3p more than enough time to schedule appointments that don't interfere with work).  She would schedule things and reschedule and reschedule again, then changed doctors and then changed back and wanted second opinions... .one daughter lost a tooth because this type of stuff went on when she had a toothache... .yes that would be neglect (wonder why my SO was awarded dental decision making?)

Anyway I just wanted to give you a bit of a definition of what parallel parenting is.  Others here might be able to elaborate further.

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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Matt
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« Reply #15 on: September 10, 2014, 03:57:40 PM »

Parallel Parenting is a style of parenting not a particular schedule.

Yeah, very important point.

Co-parenting means you make decisions together.  Parallel parenting means most decisions are made by the parent who has the child at that time;  only a few very big decisions are made by both parents together, and usually with some professional third party involved.

When my kids are with me, I make all the decisions, except they are old enough to make some themselves.  I don't care what my ex thinks about what I feed them or what TV shows I let them watch, and she doesn't consult me about what goes on at her house either.

When it's time to choose a college, or if there was a big medical problem, or a reason to consider moving to another town, those are decisions so big that both parents need to agree, or maybe get a mediator, parenting coach, or court involved.

If your ex has BPD, or BPDish behaviors, I wouldn't try to co-parent - it probably won't work and is sure to produce a lot of drama.  Learn about parallel parenting - that can work pretty well.

(By the way, it's unfortunate that this board is called "Co-parenting".  If the other party has BPD, and isn't getting the right kind of treatment, it's very unlikely that co-parenting will work.  Most of us are more-or-less parallel parenting, or going crazy fairly fast.)
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #16 on: September 10, 2014, 07:32:41 PM »

and went to parallel parenting

What sort of schedule do you have? 

I am torn, because for me every other week offers the most benefits.

- minimal contact with ex

- day care costs reduced by half (only pay for the weeks I am using), that's like $300-$500/month savings)

- more routine

I have primary custody and uBPDxw only gets kids EOWE. It's a lot to work a full time job and raise my sons by myself but I wouldn't change places with the X for any amount of money. I makes it easy to parallel parent as. I have the kids all the time and I don't need any input from the X. My X shows no interest in being involved with the kids life. Makes it easy for me but it's very sad for my sons!

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
catclaw
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« Reply #17 on: September 11, 2014, 09:03:48 AM »

Anyway I just wanted to give you a bit of a definition of what parallel parenting is.  Others here might be able to elaborate further.

good point - where I live, the laws are different. If parents don't co-parent, chances are that BOTH lose the right to make decisions. Like in our case, if we make this or this appointment (even for routine checks) without ASKING (not even TELLING, bt asking) SS' uBPDmom for permission, DH is at risk of losing custody. We are forced to do so. I think the executives at social services and courts aren't even aware that BPD-parents exist. So, parallel parenting isn't an option for us
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