BPD Start own Company or Get a Job

[Inquisitive1]

Recently my dBPDw said maybe she'd be better off working for herself than in a job, b/c she has problems getting along with others. I'd like her to try to get better at getting along at others and find a job.

She's smart and talented, and talked about starting her own company for quite a while. But, she never seems to be able to focus on what the company would do. It also seems to be a flight of fancy. I'm not sure she has the discipline to make her own company work. 

I'd rather see her in a lower paying job that was less stressful. But, she complains those are too boring.

Maybe she could find a part-time retail job to bring in some income while she tries to start a company. Or, maybe go into realestate--she's a good salesperson.

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[maxsterling]

I can relate to this - really relate.  My dBPD fiancé has had more jobs in her life than she can remember.  And probably more jobs in the past 5 years than me and you in our whole lives, combined.  It's the same story, she works for awhile, winds up hating all her co workers, and either gets fired or quits.  She readily admits she hates working with people. 

She recently started a full time job again.  I have my fingers crossed, but given her track record, the same is likely to happen again.  She had been on disability for 9 months, and I would have much rather seen her take a part time and low-stress job while still on disability for awhile, just to see if she can learn to work with people.  But, she wouldn't do that, because the way she was raised, her job and how much money she makes is tied to her self-worth.  As she puts it, she has a master's degree and is almost 40, and wants to earn what other people with master's degrees and are almost 40 are making.  Working up to that level is not an option in her brain.  She wants it all, NOW.    So, she will probably burn out, stress herself back into the hospital, be back on disability, and a few months later feel so low about herself for not working, and then go back to work full bore again.

I have a second example of my dBPD sister in law.  She, too, has had more jobs in her life than everyone else in my family, combined.  And since she has been with my brother, I don't think she has had a job last more than 6 months.  My brother, who was very supportive of all this, finally got tired of hearing her complain about work, and she convinced him to buy a business.  And my brother thought that she can run the place, can do it her way, won't have a boss to complain about, and will keep her out of his hair.  And all was well and good for a little while, then they realized the business really made no money, that it not only took up all of her time, but all of his time, too, because she is too dependent on him.  And he still had another full time job!  So, my brother had no free time left between their son, his full time job, and him having to handle what she couldn't do for the business, and started to get irritable and burnt out.  And of course she was unhappy, too, and started to feed off his unhappiness, put demands on him to do things to help her, and eventually it all boiled up into her attempting suicide last fall. 

So, I say this as a warning.  Your wife may think that having her own business will help her since she has no boss to worry about, but it won't.  The stress will be the same (if not worse).  The stress is rooted in her BPD personality, not in her job.  And when she burns out, then you are left with a business that loses money and you can't figure out what to do with. 

[Inquisitive1]

I want it all now! Definitely sounds familiar. I keep telling my wife, don't worry about the salary, find a job you will like. She can't do that, wants the money, I guess as a form of validation.

Based upon your brother's story I think I will not be supportive of starting her own business.

Working as a realtor might be good though. Less time in the office. More time in support of people who may cut you a big check.

[maxsterling]

If she is going to work her own business, I suggest it be something you stand nothing to lose when it fails.  And it will fail.  She has BPD, and she will feel overwhelmed by the book keeping, meeting clients, promoting the business, etc.  My brother's issue was that their business is food service, and in order to make money requires a certain amount of dedication.  That means you must be open a certain amount of hours and days of the week, must staff employees, must purchase food and do prep work, must get inspected by board of health, etc.  And to top it off, their business is under contract to buy from a certain supplier, so they can't just close their doors or they will break contract.  My SIL convinced my brother that she could handle it, but it's clear that after a few months, she could not.  Now my SIL is back to work as a teacher, and the business is being run by his mother in law (who is probably also BPD).  It's a mess. 

I think an "I want it now" attitude is common with this disorder.  And it's not just with money or careers.  My BPD fiancé and my BPD SIL seem to show little value in the steps along the way.  My fiancé is trying to lose weight, and she can't feel good about losing 2lbs a week, she wants the weight off NOW. So, when things happen slowly, she gets discouraged and quits trying.  Even with her new job, she claims she is getting paid more than she has ever made.  I would think she would be happy for awhile, but she already seems to be obsessing about how much her bi-weekly paychecks will be for.  And I am sure that no matter how much it is, she will declare she is "broke" and not making enough.  Same goes with relationships.  She doesn't understand that getting to know someone is part of the process prior to marriage and having children.  So she doesn't seem to want to share relationship duties and progress in the normal way unless there is a guarantee we will be married and have children. 

[Boss302]

Recently my dBPDw said maybe she'd be better off working for herself than in a job, b/c she has problems getting along with others. I'd like her to try to get better at getting along at others and find a job.

LOL... .reminds me of my BPDx. She told me that she wanted to be self employed in March 2006. Guess how much she's made since then?

It's a nice, round number... .

In my opinion, if she has career problems because she doesn't get along with others, then self employment isn't the answer. If she goes that path, then she'll have problems with getting along with others AND a zero paycheck. At least she gets paid otherwise.

Seriously, the best info I have on this would seem to indicate that BPDs actually do far better in structured settings - the flip side of the illness is that BPDs are often very talented, creative people, so if they're given a setting to channel that in, they can definitely succeed. But with no structure, they can go WAY off the rails career-wise (and money-wise).

My BPDx went full-on fantasy with her self employment - told me we'd be billionaires (and was completely serious). She even went out and signed a contract for a cash purchase of a half-million-dollar house. I found out when the realtor called me at work to ask when I'd be signing the contract too. I told her I'd sign once I had a half million dollars to spend.

Words of advice here:

1) Decide what your ethical boundaries for her work are. I suspect you'll need to refer back to that at some point.

2) Keep your own money.

Something else to consider: a few years down the road, if things don't work out, and she's had zero income for any number of years, along with all the "health issues," guess where this goes in court?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMasyKOPLfU

Yep, you get to become a pension plan.

All things to consider... .do you guys have kids yet? (I'm hoping that is a "no".)

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks guys, that info is very helpful. I was feeling uncomfortable about the notion of her starting her own company, but this makes the potential downside more clear. And, I'll be able to plan for that.

I'm not going to completely gun down the idea of her starting her own company. But, if it comes up again I am going to suggest that it would be better to get some sort of job and work on getting along with co-workers.

Edit: We have kids. If we didn't I wouldn't leave her right now anyway. As much as I complain here, she has redeeming qualities and I want to give her a chance to gather herself after what has been the most difficult 2 years of our lives (both our fathers died and our elder son was hospitalized for addiction and suicidality). OTOH, if things don't get better, I'll have to consider some sort of separation.

[empath]

My uBPDh has been 'self-employed' several times during his adult years. That's what he was doing when I met him. As I've figured out about the issues and looking back at our lives, he has a very long employment history -- many jobs, none of which lasts more than 2 years. I mentioned that I had noticed this pattern a few years ago -- before his last employment switch. Sure enough, he decided to quit his job at about the 2 year mark. (it would be funny if it weren't so sad) Then he had a very high paying job for a couple of months and decided to quit that one, too -- too much 'micromanaging' (telling him what to do). He can't trust employers to let him do what he wants to do, so he is more comfortable with being the 'boss'.

Anyway, the self-employment times have been stressful, too. Essentially, he wants to be able to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. The first company he had after we were married ended up going bankrupt (and he 'needed me not to work' because he racked up a large debt without the ability to pay it off. The pressure to be 'accepted' by people (clients) was something that I had to help him with because he would do anything that they wanted. He is very bright and outwardly 'together' for the most part.

From an outsiders perspective, the pwBPD is really not suited to owning a company because such an undertaking requires commitment, structure, and a strong sense of self and reality. Long-term planning is important -- not just dreaming, but actually planning in the sense of following through on the plan.

[Boss302]

My uBPDh has been 'self-employed' several times during his adult years. That's what he was doing when I met him. As I've figured out about the issues and looking back at our lives, he has a very long employment history -- many jobs, none of which lasts more than 2 years. I mentioned that I had noticed this pattern a few years ago -- before his last employment switch. Sure enough, he decided to quit his job at about the 2 year mark. (it would be funny if it weren't so sad) Then he had a very high paying job for a couple of months and decided to quit that one, too -- too much 'micromanaging' (telling him what to do). He can't trust employers to let him do what he wants to do, so he is more comfortable with being the 'boss'.

My BPDx lists herself as "logistics director" on her tax returns.

Take a moment and savor the irony... .this woman is so BPD she can't plan her way out of a wet paper sack!

[Boss302]

Thanks guys, that info is very helpful. I was feeling uncomfortable about the notion of her starting her own company, but this makes the potential downside more clear. And, I'll be able to plan for that.

I'm not going to completely gun down the idea of her starting her own company. But, if it comes up again I am going to suggest that it would be better to get some sort of job and work on getting along with co-workers.

Edit: We have kids. If we didn't I wouldn't leave her right now anyway. As much as I complain here, she has redeeming qualities and I want to give her a chance to gather herself after what has been the most difficult 2 years of our lives (both our fathers died and our elder son was hospitalized for addiction and suicidality). OTOH, if things don't get better, I'll have to consider some sort of separation.

Just out of curiosity, how did your wife's issues play into your son's issues? My D13 also made suicide threats, and it turns out a big piece of that was BPDx's instability (though certainly not the only issue). In fact, her times of greatest crisis have ALL come directly after BPDx got kicked out of her house for nonpayment (it's happened three times). She later disclosed to me that she didn't feel safe expressing her anger about this to her mother, and kept it bottled up (along with a lot of other issues), until she had no idea how to deal with it. Making that threat in her case was her way of saying "help me deal with this."